January 29, 2019
I was a small town girl, naive, and parent-less when I went off to college. My mom died when I was 14 years old, and my father remarried less than a year later to a woman who didn’t want me or my brother and made my father choose between her and us. My father chose her. I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there.
I attended a college in the area, on a full theatrical scholarship, with dreams of stardom and my virginity still intact. Two short months and one college party later and I would find myself pushed down onto a bed and raped by a Brazilian soccer player who I secretly had a crush on. Like many women, I blamed myself. It didn’t matter that I kept saying no, and was too drunk to say my own name. It was my fault and I had asked for it.
I would drop out of college after this, terrified that I would run into him again on campus. Everything went downhill from there.
I tell you all of this because it was at this time in my life when I would meet a man I will call J. J was twice my age. J would groom me and then use me, turning me out to his music industry buddies and later… M. It’s girls like me that become easy prey for sexual predators.
I met J the beginning of 1989. I was 19 years old. He was twice my age, physically unattractive but charismatic and confident. I would soon find out that he was the owner of a rehearsal studio, whose name was an homage to Elvis, J’s idol.
Studio was a magnificent concert rehearsal facility, unlike any other rehearsal studio in , designed to cater to both local and international talent. The likes of Jimmy Miller, Dick Scott of Dick Scott Entertainment, New Kids On The Block and Stevie Nicks (just to name a few) all rehearsed there.
I told J my story and he pretended to care. In between the time that I was raped and quit school, to the time I met him, I had dated a woman. He seemed to like hearing about these things. I didn’t understand it at the time why.
J went from making me feel like I was special and beautiful to putting me in uncomfortable situations where I was left alone at parties with men or sent off on car rides only to be brought back to their homes where i was told they could make me famous and then in the blink of an eye their hands were all over me. Some people would say, why didn’t you push them off of you, tell you no, and insist they drive you home? I don’t have an answer for that. I think I began to feel on some level that this was all I was good for.
Nearly one year into the relationship, in October 1989, my “boyfriend” J would ask me if I would sleep with M.
I swear to you on my mother’s grave I didn’t know who M was. J laughed in disbelief, letting me know he was lead singer of the band .
Okay, now we were getting somewhere.
I wasn’t a fan. I knew some of their music. I couldn’t remember what M looked like. I didn’t want to do it. I loved J.
This is exactly how it was presented to me.
M wanted to see two girls “make love” before he left the country to launch their tour. J was only happy to hook him up. I imagine this was something he did more often than not, for these celebrities that rehearsed at his studio to ensure their continued patronage.
When I asked J who I would potentially be making love to in this scenario he asked ME to find someone.
I called my ex-girlfriend and she said NO. She was involved in a relationship with another woman at this time and she was not having any of it.
I thought of another woman who i had met at the studio, whose name I won’t reveal. She went on to became a big Hollywood talent agent. She couldn’t do it because she had a date that night. But she did make a brief appearance for the opportunity to meet M, whose baby she told him, half jokingly, he wanted to have.
Long story short I showed up at that night. M greets me at the door. He tells me J had told him all about me. (I’m sure he did). He wastes no time and begins to kiss me. (I’m not going to lie I was attracted to him). But it turns out we’re not going to be able to get down to business right now because the entire band is there rehearsing … Now let’s not forget M and the band, now represented by manager , are now on the sober path. One thing I haven’t told you yet is that J was big time in to cocaine. BIG TIME. If their manager knew this I doubt very much he would have approved of their being there. Drugs were never my thing, thank god, in fact I was terrified of them.
Anyway, I digress.
Next thing I know I’m being escorted into the large room with a stage and there’s the band. I sit on a stool. M pours me champagne and I begin to realize that I’m in a situation that many girls would have killed to be in. IT still doesn’t feel right to me. Where’s J??
All I could think about was J. I loved J. I wanted to be with J. Where was he?
After playing a set, M takes me into the back room, a suite with a large TV, sauna and jacuzzi. There are two other YOUNG girls there talking, and they grow giddy and nervous when he enters the room. I feel immediately uncomfortable, I don’t know who these girls are.
I’m very relaxed around M. We sit there watching roller derby and discussing the possibility that aliens exist. The two girls sit back on the love sofa, they have grown quiet. They’re waiting excitedly for him to make his move.
Where’s J?
It suddenly hits me that I don’t want to do this. I love J.
I got up to leave, M asked me where I was going. I told him to find J. He asked me if I was coming back. I said I didn’t think so but it was nice to meet him. Then he asked me if he would see me again. I said I’d like that. And he said he would “arrange” for it to happen when he got back from tour.
And that was that.
BUT… then end of the year J was hooked up with tickets to M's band's Concert at the , this of New Years Eve 1989 into 90. I remember when he was on the phone with someone about these tickets and then he hung up he was PISSED. He starting ranting about how he’d hooked M up with tons of women, and that he’d “even accommodated him with dildos up his ass”.
That never left me because there were certain things J would tell me when he got high, about fantasies he had about getting it on with the same sex. I began to wonder if him and M didn’t have threesomes and foursomes together, and if J didn’t oblige him sexually as well.
I’ll never know this.
I went on to meet another man, just like J who turned me out. When I tried to run away from him and that life he came after me. It was a dark road in and out of the sex industry, for years until I met my husband. I was literally raised by wolves.
J = A list engineer
M = Permanent A+/A list singer from a permanent A+/A list band
Jack Douglas/Steven Tyler
