Here's one to lighten the mood in advance of the next Dancing Boys of Hollywood blind items:
We interrupt "The Dancing Boys of Hollywood" blind item series to bring you a very special interview. It took place on a recent, secret trip to Los Angeles, and is of a former child actress - the same one recently "interviewed" by a foreign firm.
Unlike theirs, you may just get to hear the full interview, which was transcribed and recorded (should one or the other get into the wrong hands). You see: I was recently contacted by a producer for this one podcasting network about developing a dancing boy series. (This is the network founded by the former longtime producer of a certain longstanding national radio program - the one devoted to storytelling.)
Here's an excerpt:
DB: I'm here today at Felix Trattoria for a discussion, over lunch with (this one actress).
**: Everyone, it's the McDonalds on La Cienega.
DB: It's the NICE McDonalds on La Cienega.
**: We're eating freaking happy meals people.
DB: I didn't have the budget for adult food. Also, I'm on a diet.
**: Is that why you ate all your McNuggets and then helped yourself to half of mine?
DB: I know, but, McNuggets.
**: Can we please just get this over with?
DB: Okay, since we're on the subject of food, do you remember what they served you on the set of that one extremely big movie in the 80s?
**: I don't know, the usual - sandwiches, sushi. I think there was Chinese once.
DB: So, table scraps, basically.
**: Wait, what are you doing?
DB: Interviewing you?
**: That isn't what I said.
DB: Maybe not exactly.
**: Maybe not at all.
DB: Okay, but this is way better. It's all like: they treated you like trained animals. Here kids, have some table scraps. Then the men watched as you ate them off the floor.
** (MAD!): Give me that crayon.
(Struggle for crayon ensues. A woman interrupts.)
Woman: Are you (this one actress)?
**: I am.
Woman: Could I trouble you for an autograph. My daughter is a big fan.
**: Of course. What's her name?
Woman: Hailey.
**: That's a nice name.
DB: Do you want mine too?
Woman: Who the hell are you?
DB: I'm the dancing boy.
Woman: Never heard of him.
(Thanks exchanged, woman walks off. ** goes back to glaring at me.)
DB: So what did the space alien like to eat?
**: The space alien was a puppet dancing boy.
DB: Did you ever get to meet the real space alien it was based on?
**: This interview is so over.
DB: Can I get a ride to the bus station?
** (without looking back): No.
