Your Turn

Who is Tulip? From New York Magazine

6:00 p.m. I have a date from the app Raya. We decide to meet at a wine bar in the West Village. I recognize her when she comes in: She is a famous person’s daughter. I only know this because I worked on her father’s house. Interesting. We kiss hello, and I can smell cigarettes on her. Who smokes in 100-degree weather? Only a sexy AF train-wreck. We order a bottle of white.

Midnight Trainwreck just left. She was a hot, drunken mess who chain-smoked, but I — of course — liked her. We made out on the street, then I took her home and she blew me. She blew me on my grandmother’s antique rug. I blew my load in her mouth and she swallowed. She swallowed my load, took a swig of vodka, and left. I assume I’ll never see her again, but, hey, it was a phenomenal blow job. She did that twirl thing with her tongue and used just the right amount of teeth. (Don’t try this at home!) There may or may not have been a finger in the anus. I’m not being coy; I truly don’t know what kind of tricks she had in her bag. Whatever it was, more please. PUH-LEEZE.

1:00 a.m. Trainwreck texts me! “Hey sexy. Mimosas in the morning?”

1:01 a.m. Happyhappyhappyhapppyhappyhappy me.

DAY THREE

11:00 a.m. Cafe Cluny with the Trainwreck, who I’m now going to call Tulip. Because, yes, she has the type of first name that generally only overly confident, famously artsy, highly repugnant people can get away with. But she is not highly repugnant. She is a real person with a real story. I won’t reveal too much, but she’s in her late 30s, twice married and divorced, and searching for “stability and soulfulness.” I've got both those things and then some!

2:30 p.m. I am giving it to Tulip from behind!!! She is bent over my couch and I’m railing her, as the kids say. She has a great ass. There is a dark beauty mark on it that I find very erotic. The beauty mark is shaped like a state, but I can’t pinpoint which one. I am not sure I’m going to come, but she's screaming for dear life. I remember from Jayne’s friendly sex tips that I should reach around and rub her clit while fucking her from behind, so I do that. She moves my hands from her pussy to her tits, so that I am holding her (fake?) tits while fucking her from behind. She comes and asks for a break. I take my dick out and take the condom off, and she blows me until I come too.

6:oo p.m. Tulip is still here. I am allowing her to smoke in my apartment. Is this love?

10:00 p.m. Tulip never leaves. We take separate showers and crawl into my bed, both naked. We have nice, tender sex, and come together after about six minutes. Turns out her tits are fake (I ask). No matter. I feel happy and also terrified. Tulip is a little bit terrifying. She talks a lot about her recent ex-husband. The last thing she says before we fall asleep is, “Ya gotta know when to walk away, right?” This leaves a pit in my stomach for some reason.

DAY FOUR

7:00 a.m. Tulip has to go home and tend to her dogs. I haven’t heard about any dogs until now. I brush my teeth and walk her to the door. I offer to walk her home and/or get her a coffee for the road. She declines and kisses me on the cheek.

7:00 p.m. Tulip hasn’t returned my text. I wrote her around lunchtime just to check in. Here we go again.