Aimee Mann, Ted Leo And My Parents

“I need you to drive tonight.”

Those might seem like ordinary words to all of you, but in my house, those six words cause heads to spin and mom to turn off HSN. I don’t think she has made Wolfgang Puck a millionaire by herself, but I would be really upset if she went to Spago and he didn't pick up the tab for dinner.

As soon as my dad uttered those magic words, my mind drifted back to the Uma Thurman piggyback incident. I don’t know if she has ever truly healed. Physically, yes, but mentally, you don’t expect your friend’s father to suddenly leap on your back and start asking her what she was thinking when she made Johnny B Goode.

There was the Mena Suvari fawning at The Improv. Luckily, Mena was in between guys at the time and is a very good sport and loves my dad or that could have been embarrassing for everyone.

The run in with Sean Hayes where my dad kept running up to Sean and doing jazz hands also springs to mind.

Don’t even get me started about why Sam Waterston started going to the 1130 church service instead of the 10 a.m. service. If Sam is walking down Camden on Sunday morning in his sport jacket and slacks and sees my dad, he invariably crosses the street while always giving a polite nod to my mom while his wife Lynn whispers hello as they rush past.  My dad then starts trash talking Law & Order at a volume Sam is sure to hear.

It is the day before Father’s Day and mom and dad and I are all going to see one of our favorites, Aimee Mann. My dad has always been a sucker for tall blondes and Aimee is so nice to each human being that has ever crossed her path that she even calls dad on his birthday and of course he thinks this must be true love. My love for Aimee comes from her love of whiskey. The fact that she enjoys drinking it out of a red Solo cup just kind of cements the deal.

“I will drive, but please, just behave. I love going to the El Rey and if you get us banned, I will be really upset,” I replied.

Dad starts drinking early. Really early. As in the show doesn't start until 9 and he is sipping bourbon at 4 early. Mom doesn't seem to mind though so I let it go. Not in the Frozen sense, but just letting it go as in I don’t want to make a big deal of it and I do mind if it is cold. Who the hell wants to live in an ice castle anyway? Oh, and where does she get her food?

Contrary to most laws, my dad is drinking in the back seat of the minivan while I play chauffeur and drive my parents to the show. I really don’t want to look in the back because I am afraid what I will see. There was this time when I was a kid and heard a lot of noise from my parent’s room. I was probably around 8 and I went to investigate. I blame some of my drinking issues on that night and what I saw when I opened the door.

We arrived a little early and I know Aimee that you are reading this and I love you with all of my bacon loving heart, but why oh why did you let that band open for you? I would have preferred Juliet from Ladies Of London belting out the National Anthem to that group. Not that mom and dad even noticed because they were a little busy. Father’s Day is a lock for my dad with my mom and apparently he wanted to celebrate early. You have never seen a guy so upset that there were attendants in the bathrooms.

“They have a damn c**k blocker in the men’s room.”

Yeah, not what you want to hear from a parent, but mom seemed like she was enjoying all the attention and if they want to be that way, who am I to say otherwise. 

If you have never seen Aimee in concert, you are missing out. I know lots of you have no idea who Til Tuesday is, and you should stop reading now and go You Tube them and I will see you back here in an hour.

You put Aimee on a stage and you are going to have a great time. You throw in Ted Leo and you are going to have an awesome time. If anyone saw the opening act and then saw Aimee and Ted who go by the name The Both, you will understand why some groups make it and some don’t.

For those of you who have read the site from the beginning and remember the band photos, you know how much I love good music. I adore it. The only distraction for me was when Aimee asked for a new guitar for Ted and asked her husband Michael Penn to come deliver it from their house. All I could think was, “Do I stay and listen or do I run outside and wait for him as he drives up and run after him yelling out, “What about Charlize and your brother? Is Lizzie Caplan into fat guys who smell like bacon? (He does the music for Masters Of Sex).

Aimee and Ted went through what seemed like their entire catalogs. Have I ever mentioned how Aimee was robbed of an Academy Award for her song Save Me from Magnolia?  Tom Cruise agreeing to have Aimee perform most of the soundtrack is one of the few decisions that Tom and I see eye to eye about. Oh, and that if I could marry Katie Holmes and have her reenact her scene in The Gift. OK, so he probably didn't care, but I would.

When Aimee and Ted said goodnight, some of the people started to leave and I wanted to yell at them because I knew and the crowd knew that stayed that Aimee would be back. There was one number she didn’t sing when performing. Voices Carry. I love that song. I don’t know how she does it, but almost 30 years later she sounds the same singing it. Oh, J-Lo, you can only dream about having talent like this.

When Aimee and Ted finally said goodnight for real, my parents were in a lip lock and I was stone cold sober. Those two things do not go well together.

I asked them if they wanted to hang around and talk to Aimee, but my dad said he was ready to leave. I started to text Aimee to say we would be going and I would talk to her later, but my dad pulled out his phone and with remarkable dexterity for a man his age and while cupping my mother in a scene straight out of Cinemax, said he had it under control. Turns out my dad has Uber on his phone and while he bitched about the surge pricing he got a driver and said that he was taking mom to a hotel.

Well, it was past midnight, so I guess he was starting Father’s Day early.

Left alone and now slowly sipping some whiskey I stole from backstage I waited for Aimee and watched the guys from the opening act try and convince some women they were going to be big stars.

Out came Aimee and there she was with that red Solo cup and sipping her whiskey. We stopped talking only long enough for me to take a photo of her with two fans who flew from Europe just so they could see Aimee. That is some dedication. I could have seen Aimee in Malibu a few months ago, but waited until she was 20 miles closer. I told her I had a head cold which is why I missed the Malibu show. Let’s keep that between us though.