Blind Items Revealed

December 12, 2013

This actress has been in this spot before, many times before, but it is time to unveil her on January 1 and have her stop clogging up the blinds with her presence. What you see below is not anything I have written about her previously but is all brand new and when she is revealed she will be the namesake of a prize I intend to bestow on all female drunk celebrities. I think we can agree that Kiefer Sutherland wins the prize for ultimate male drunk celebrity.

Our actress is an Academy Award winner. Plain and simple she has that going for her and she won't ever let you forget it. First thing out of her mouth is that she is a winner. Like someone is going to take it away from her. If you are ever unfortunate enough to cross our actress and are not sharing a drink with her you will probably be subject to curses and why you are in her way or blocking her light or doing something, anything to tick her off. If you are drinking with her then she will be your friend until she crosses an unseen line and turns into the quintessential meanest drunk alive. Our actress is not a friendly drunk. She is a friendly tipsy but that goes quickly. Our actress is fond of carrying a flask. Small enough to fit into the tiniest of clutches or in the palm of her hand it requires a deft touch to fill it. A request often heard by our actress during one of her noon bar runs is whether the bartender has a funnel. If the answer is a no, then our actress spends the next fifteen minutes slowly pouring her favorite top shelf tequila into the flask to get her through the next hour or two away from a bar or a bottle. The concentration she achieves while doing this would make an Olympian proud. The fact that she can stop for a minute to take a call and go off on someone on the other end of the phone using words you weren't sure even existed except in some ultimate curse word universe and then hang up and continue pouring again without missing a drop. If she does happen to miss a drop she will be found with her head on the bar lapping it up.

If you think our actress is a joy to see after hours, just imagine what it is like to work with her. Our actress rarely comes fully prepared for the day and woe is the director who decides to shoot something not on the original call sheet. Our actress likes perfection for herself. She doesn't really care about the performances of others, it is all about herself. Prior to shooting her most recent movie, the director and producer were warned that life would be hell on earth if they hired the actress. Each said that they could handle her and that she was worth the chance. Two days into filming they were regretting their decision and two weeks into filming they were regretting getting into the film business. Here is the favorite trick of our actress on set. She films a scene with someone and doesn't like her portion of it. Not the director not liking it, her not liking it. When another character starts speaking she will start talking over them and put her face right in the middle of the camera and start saying f**k repeatedly to ruin any chance the shot can be used and she can start from the beginning. This is a regular occurrence on set but she is very good at using different words and gestures throughout the day just to keep things fresh.

After lunch is not the best time to work with our actress because she likes to imbibe during the lunch break. The best time to work with our actress is between 10am and noon. The rest is all going to be hit or miss. The last director who worked with her called her the most vile person to work with ever. She seemed so sweet when she used to be on television back in the day.

Marisa Tomei