This post is whack. I don't even have a significant other right now. I'm just focusing on my health and happiness right now. But to answer the question, I keep all kinds of secrets from a girlfriend. They are on a need to know basis only. #secretsarecool #girlfriendsdon'tneedtoknow #agsocks
You know those are your candy wrappers, fatty butt. Quit trying to blame and fat shame me in public. I can't wait to move out to Miami and start focusing on me and my health and all my businesses.
Bruce! As a father, are you going to let Rob speak to me that way?! I think you need to have another talk with him about healthy eating. Clearly the last 5 talks didn't get through to him
Kim and Rob, you both need to calm down. Rob, what is this about candy wrappers? I told you to cut it out with the Skittles or your teeth will rot out. Kim- Rob's right, sometimes less is more. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Now remember I love you both, you make me proud.
You look fat. Or tired. This doesnt taste right. I slept with the best man 6 years ago. Just once. Your mother seems drunk. I think you may have too much makeup on. Sex wasnt good, and i think it was you. Your grandmothers a bitch. I git a raise, but im putting it in my private emergency fund. Whats that smell?? Is that you?? You know we make less money than any of our friends. Im just emailing my old boy/girlfriend, he/she is going thru a rough time. We just had a coupla lunches, jeez, chill. Im not going to your friends wedding, he/she is really a jerk. No wonder no one at work likes you.
"Why would I cheat on you at a bachelor party? I could cheat on you any time I leave the house and not have 30 witnesses."
"I have no clue what color your eyes are, I can't take my eyes off your ass long enough to see em."
"Well, that is fine. I'm sure there are plenty of chicks on CraigsList who would blow me. Can I borrow $50?"
"Yer not gonna give me multiple heart attacks, like yer mother gave yer poor old man."
"Yer that fucked up you try to cover a fart by saying he's got a dirty diaper, and I strip him down in a cold parking lot?"
"Please, I know you will try to keep him from me if you split, because that will be the only way you'll have left to make me miserable."
"Look at the tits on that stripper!"
In response to "if we break up, you'll probably hook up w/ some tall 18 y/o w/ blue eyes and a big rack": "Nah, after you I'm done with hot chicks. I'm gonna target well adjusted fugly girls."
"If you ever do move out, please leave the engagement ring, so I can hock it and get two hookers and an 8ball."
"I'm tired of you shooting me down for sex all the time. It is depressing. I'm going back to watching porn and jerking off. If you ever want to bang, just let me know."
"You think he would want his new mommy to be black or Asian? White chicks aint worth the trouble."
"We live in the same house, so you don't have to email your complaints. You can just pretend we're both human and talk to me."
In response to "I never had an exceptional penis.": "If you want, you can look for one and I'll look for an exceptional blow job."
In response to "You don't love me, you are only with me for sex.": "The sex isn't worth the headaches and high blood pressure.
One time my husband and I played a game of what celebrity we looked most like, this was several years ago. I thought I was being pretty generous by saying he looked like a mix of Bruce Willis and Brad Pitt. He said I looked like JLove Ugly Sister. Really? I mean I know I wouldn't be as hot and it is implied since she either doesn't have a sister or at least not a famous one that her sister wouldn't be as hot. To him if your not as hot then they must be the ugly one compared to. But all I'm hearing is that he called me Ugly, I have never got over it and wont forgive him either.
Oh my god. These responses are cracking me up, especially violet's auntliddy's and the count's.
This is a tough one. There's a lot I don't tell The Husband. Definitely agree about NEVER talking about exes and bringing up what others have that we don't.
That his hair is beginning to get a little bit thin in one spot. He knows it, I know it, he knows I know it, but I would never, ever mention it to him.
My husband and I tell each other everything. I never have to worry about being caught in a lie. I still keep in touch with old boyfriends and he has no problem because I don't hide it or keep it a secret.
@Truth: Engaged for 3 years, together on and off for 10. There was a good 6-8months of misery before I gave up and just said what was on my mind. Can only feed a person so many shit sandwiches before they get puked back up.
That the Valentine's Day flowers they gave you smell like cat pee :-(
ReplyDelete(Sorry Mr Stepforded) :-(
Lilies? They always smell like cat pee to me.
DeleteUh oh...what did you do now, Enty?!?
ReplyDeleteThat you slept with Paris Hilton. It was just one time!
ReplyDeleteHi Brody!
DeleteHi dad! Tee off is at noon today, right?
DeleteAbsolutely!
DeleteOh jesus, Stepforded. :)
ReplyDeleteIf you love someone, who cares? Except for the cat pee thing above ;)
How you hide the bodies.
ReplyDeleteThis post is whack. I don't even have a significant other right now. I'm just focusing on my health and happiness right now. But to answer the question, I keep all kinds of secrets from a girlfriend. They are on a need to know basis only.
ReplyDelete#secretsarecool
#girlfriendsdon'tneedtoknow
#agsocks
Rob, mom found empty candy wrappers in your car again!
DeleteYou know those are your candy wrappers, fatty butt. Quit trying to blame and fat shame me in public.
DeleteI can't wait to move out to Miami and start focusing on me and my health and all my businesses.
Bruce! As a father, are you going to let Rob speak to me that way?! I think you need to have another talk with him about healthy eating. Clearly the last 5 talks didn't get through to him
DeleteLay off the Botox Kim or I'm afraid someone will try to melt you into a wax candle mold of a cow.
DeleteKim and Rob, you both need to calm down. Rob, what is this about candy wrappers? I told you to cut it out with the Skittles or your teeth will rot out. Kim- Rob's right, sometimes less is more. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Now remember I love you both, you make me proud.
DeleteSorry Bruce. Of course you're right. If Kim apologizes first I will accept.
DeleteRob, I'm not going to apologize for telling the truth! Get a life! And a job!!
DeleteHey Rob if I dont talk to you again, have a great time at the sock thing this weekend!
DeleteHow much better an ex was at something than he/she.
ReplyDeleteKaren is right. Go easy on the details about exes, whether it's good or bad.
ReplyDeleteThat I spend a disproportionate amount of time reading blinds and gossip about celebrities.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Karen. Never, ever share about exes - it will come back to bite you.
ReplyDeleteYou look fat. Or tired. This doesnt taste right. I slept with the best man 6 years ago. Just once. Your mother seems drunk. I think you may have too much makeup on. Sex wasnt good, and i think it was you. Your grandmothers a bitch. I git a raise, but im putting it in my private emergency fund. Whats that smell?? Is that you?? You know we make less money than any of our friends. Im just emailing my old boy/girlfriend, he/she is going thru a rough time. We just had a coupla lunches, jeez, chill. Im not going to your friends wedding, he/she is really a jerk. No wonder no one at work likes you.
ReplyDeleteShall I go on?, lol
LOL, Auntliddy...
DeleteThat I slept with both her stepsisters
ReplyDeleteAnything you don't want thrown back at you.
ReplyDeletehahahahahahahahaha may as well stop the thread-auntliddy covered the bases
ReplyDeleteThe # of people you've slept with...
ReplyDeleteSex with others before them.
ReplyDeleteAll actual stuff I said:
ReplyDelete"Why would I cheat on you at a bachelor party? I could cheat on you any time I leave the house and not have 30 witnesses."
"I have no clue what color your eyes are, I can't take my eyes off your ass long enough to see em."
"Well, that is fine. I'm sure there are plenty of chicks on CraigsList who would blow me. Can I borrow $50?"
"Yer not gonna give me multiple heart attacks, like yer mother gave yer poor old man."
"Yer that fucked up you try to cover a fart by saying he's got a dirty diaper, and I strip him down in a cold parking lot?"
"Please, I know you will try to keep him from me if you split, because that will be the only way you'll have left to make me miserable."
"Look at the tits on that stripper!"
In response to "if we break up, you'll probably hook up w/ some tall 18 y/o w/ blue eyes and a big rack":
"Nah, after you I'm done with hot chicks. I'm gonna target well adjusted fugly girls."
"If you ever do move out, please leave the engagement ring, so I can hock it and get two hookers and an 8ball."
"I'm tired of you shooting me down for sex all the time. It is depressing. I'm going back to watching porn and jerking off. If you ever want to bang, just let me know."
"You think he would want his new mommy to be black or Asian? White chicks aint worth the trouble."
"We live in the same house, so you don't have to email your complaints. You can just pretend we're both human and talk to me."
In response to "I never had an exceptional penis.":
"If you want, you can look for one and I'll look for an exceptional blow job."
In response to "You don't love me, you are only with me for sex.":
"The sex isn't worth the headaches and high blood pressure.
:( the sixth one in your list.
DeleteNo wonder you have an ex-wife. :)
DeleteMy comment was for Count.
DeleteCandyland & Renoblondee, ITA! What is this obsession people have with knowing or telling those numbers??
ReplyDeletenever tell them you cheated on your former lovers. there always would be a question mark if you will with them also
ReplyDeleteHaha Kim and Rob are getting me weak today...never tell them anybody was better in bed and if u see an ex don't tell or if u went to a strip club!
ReplyDeleteThat your sexual partner count is (much) higher than his.
ReplyDeleteIt's not my fault he waited until his 20s!
One time my husband and I played a game of what celebrity we looked most like, this was several years ago. I thought I was being pretty generous by saying he looked like a mix of Bruce Willis and Brad Pitt. He said I looked like JLove Ugly Sister. Really? I mean I know I wouldn't be as hot and it is implied since she either doesn't have a sister or at least not a famous one that her sister wouldn't be as hot. To him if your not as hot then they must be the ugly one compared to. But all I'm hearing is that he called me Ugly, I have never got over it and wont forgive him either.
ReplyDeleteAw shit Naomi, I just broke that rule 2 days ago. Some of us never learn.
ReplyDeleteAnd the # 1 answer: I was faking it. Fake Fake fake fake.
That my sobriety anniversary is actually one day later than the day he thinks it is.
ReplyDeleteWho can remember the exact number of people they've slept with?
ReplyDeleteI can: one.
ReplyDeleteb.profane exactly. thats a vague guess at best. and the number range is privileged and confidential, not to be shared with someone youre dating.
ReplyDelete@Profane: People I know the exact #. Whores I lost track of.
ReplyDeleteHubby and I tell each other EVERYTHING. Apparently you're not supposed to do that for a "healthy" relationship. I dispute that.
ReplyDeleteMy husband still doesn't know all of my exes, and I don't know his. My philosophy is not to ask questions that I don't want to know the answers to.
ReplyDeletenever tell a significant other about a celebrity hookup, especially if its with someone like steve coogan or paz de la huerta.
ReplyDeleteOh my god. These responses are cracking me up, especially violet's auntliddy's and the count's.
ReplyDeleteThis is a tough one. There's a lot I don't tell The Husband. Definitely agree about NEVER talking about exes and bringing up what others have that we don't.
That his hair is beginning to get a little bit thin in one spot. He knows it, I know it, he knows I know it, but I would never, ever mention it to him.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I tell each other everything. I never have to worry about being caught in a lie. I still keep in touch with old boyfriends and he has no problem because I don't hide it or keep it a secret.
ReplyDeleteI slept with your sister/brother and or mom/dad.
ReplyDelete@Truth: Engaged for 3 years, together on and off for 10. There was a good 6-8months of misery before I gave up and just said what was on my mind. Can only feed a person so many shit sandwiches before they get puked back up.
ReplyDeleteIt's all good. I couldn't resist after you posted all that. I was like , "Damn!" 😄
DeleteThe square were just icons on my phone they made squares instead of smiley face. :)
ReplyDelete