Channing Tatum Is Finally Names The Sexiest Man Alive

For two weeks, Channing Tatum has been the Sexiest Man Alive-Elect, but had not been officially named because of a recount in the Accounting department at Kneepads. Apparently there were some issues with some people voting twice and some sticky ballots that were stuck together. All of it has been resolved, and with no natural disasters kicking Channing off the cover this week, he can finally be officially appointed Sexiest Man Alive. As part of the wonders of being given such a title, we learn that Channing is also a huge fan of Edgar Allen Poe; wants to have 3 kids starting now; gives his wife Jenna daily massages; is emotionally  deep; spiritually open; hangs out in the woods looking for people to save from bears and lions; once lifted four cars off of someone who was dying; takes classes simultaneously from Harvard and Yale; gets calls from the Pope and Oprah about how to solve world problems; and waxes himself hourly.