A 28 year old woman apparently jumped to her death in New York City off a 30 story building at around 8:15 in the morning yesterday. I don't get it. According to everything that I have read about Stephanie Becker she had her life made. She had a great job, traveled the world, had a ton of friends, volunteered to help youths in the community. It does not make any sense to me that she would jump and not leave a note. Nothing. It makes me wonder if she was perhaps pushed? The timing of that bothers me though. It was 8 in the morning. I don't think very many murders happen at that time of the day. Maybe she could not face another day at the office. Maybe she had broken up with someone at work and could not bear to see them any longer? It just seems an odd time of the day. Whatever the reason, it is very sad. This is why I wish people would call someone before they think about killing themselves. Just take a minute and talk to someone.
It's so sad when someone kills themselves over one recent event just bc it's overwhelming. I don't see how suicide could ever NOT be mental illness even if undiagnosed. Is there a name for "overwhelmed, unable to cope?"
ReplyDeleteTwo dimension of personality might be significant here: impulsivity (or impulse control) and ability to tolerate strong affect. In other words, some people can't handle their emotions, especially painful ones, and some people can't stop themselves when they have a self-harm impulse. Sad stuff.
ReplyDeleteVery Sad! Sometimes the outside does not look so cheery from the inside!!! RIP.
ReplyDeleteSadness.
ReplyDeleteI can tell by the way this is worded you have never been suicidal, Enty. Nothing wrong with that. You're lucky. But there is no "take a minute to call someone" when you're at that point.
ReplyDeleteTrue dat. I wish everyone a serene mind and the ability to ask for help if they need to.
DeleteTrue dat. I wish everyone a serene mind and the ability to ask for help if they need to.
Deleteit makes no sense to me- it is the most hurtful thing you could do to your family & friends...it leaves someone else with all the questions and what ifs.
ReplyDeleteYOLO- no matter how shitty things get,(and yes there are some really horrible horrible horrible conditions out there), there is always tomorrow.
That being said- it is your life- do what you want with it....just try not to leave others hanging from your actions.
RIP to this gal and her family- what a way to go.
Until you've ever experienced that moment of hopelessness, it's not fair to judge. You don't know what's going on behind the scenes. There are more actors in the world other than those in Hollywood.
ReplyDeleteThat building has a roof top terrace. Why assume suicide when there were no witnesses except those that heard her body thump when hitting the landing and viewed the fall from below? Nobody else up on that terrace? Makes no sense (to me).
ReplyDeleteSo sad....thoughts and prayers for her friends and family....
ReplyDeleteMaybe she was so disheartened by the new influx of dumb dumbs on this blog that have driven so many good posters away?
ReplyDelete2 words:Tony Scott! finally he was not ill but he jumped
ReplyDelete@Black Cat...yes...and you are one of them and most likely the main reason.
ReplyDeleteThere are usually signs of a suicidal person. I would think her family and friends would have noticed. It's usually a person who is extremely depressed, then starts talking about death...then all of a sudden appears to be very happy, as if they're not depressed anymore...then they kill themselves. Either that or if they do an autopsy, she may have been on some crazy drug that made her lose it.
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ReplyDeleteChronic pain, either physical OR mental, can do it, among myriad other reasons.
ReplyDeleteAmen to NotNowIronman and xoApril.
While it's true the outside doesn't always match the inside, people usually close to the person suffering from the illness know. Mental illness is not easily masked. Those people might be in denial there were symptoms, but they were still there.
ReplyDeleteDrugs, either taken purposefully or not, could be a factor too.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
ReplyDeleteThere is ALWAYS another solution. In that moment of darkness at 3am, know that the sun will be up soon and things will look brighter.
Hugs :)
Also, "warning signs" of suicide? Very often a total myth.
ReplyDeleteRIP Stephanie. May you find your peace on the other side.
ReplyDeleteDon't know it's such an awful way to go...I hope she's at peace.
ReplyDeleteBut if she was pushed they better get the bastard
Years ago when I was at my lowest point, everything on the outside was or rather seemed perfect. I had a great job, knew the movers and shakers of the city I lived in, travelled around the world and seemed to be living the life. But I was very very depressed, who prayed at night not to see the morning and yet nobody around me guessed as I was always the life of the party with a happy and cheerful disposition. I couldn't take the pain anymore and attempted suicide which landed me in hospital and subsequently forced me to seek help which ultimately saved my life.
ReplyDeletePoints I'm trying to make, is that the fact all seems well on the outside doesn't necessarily mean all is well. Also mental illness is a very very horrible disease that can affect anyone. Lastly, until u have walked in someone who suffers from depression's shoes, pls don't judge, just encourage they seek help.
Glad you're doing better now, @Sasha....
ReplyDeleteThanks.
DeleteI lost a really good friend a year ago, had a great job, great gf, etc, you'll never know what they are thinking. It doesn't have to "make sense". It's very sad and agree w the "permanent solution to a temporary problem". Rip.
ReplyDeleteGlad you are better @Sasha!
ReplyDeleteI have a lot of mental illness in my family - depression and suicide attempts. I struggle with depression myself from time to time (genetics suck people!) and because of my experience and my family's ongoing struggles I feel compelled to speak out.
Mental illness is a disease like any other. When we talk about it openly it breaks the cycle of shame and stigma. People get better and we don't lose people we love in such tragic ways.
Thanks
ReplyDeleteYou can't tell by looking on the outside.People just APPEAR to "have it all" ,have it "made",and to be happy or to have "perfect" lives,etc. but inside they are dying, they are unhappy, alone,tortured,have a dark side, etc. It's just a facade. No one really knows what's truly going on inside a person's heart and inside their life, what they're really going thru.
ReplyDeleteThis sets my hinky meter wayyyy off. There was no note. Why is everyone presuming it's suicide--the time of day alone? By where she landed (trajectory), and the way she landed?
ReplyDeleteI don't mean to sound callous--really. If someone did this to her, I want to see them caught. My utmost sympathies to her family, and to anyone who deals with or has dealt with depression. <3
This is such a sad story...it reminds me a little bit of when Junior Seau killed himself a few months ago. He was a hero in our community and everyone loved him. On the outside, he appeared to have everything he could ever want. I agree with the other posters who said we never know what is really going on in someone's mind. Appearances can be misleading. My heart goes out to this girl's family and friends.
ReplyDeleteI just finished a course on emotional intelligence, and we were discussing in class about all the stuff we perceive that society expects from us. The teacher, a clinical psychologist, told us that she had patients that had the 'perfect life': successful career, married, kids, etc. But those people were incredibly unhappy because they had never asked themselves what they really wanted, so the did what they thought they had to do, and in the meanwhile accumulated tons of frustration and resentment.
ReplyDeleteBref, even if it seems that somebody should be superhappy because they have "everything", who knows what's going inside :P
"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem"
ReplyDeleteI call BS. There is nothing "temporary" about my crippling, life-long battle with severe depression. I deal with it every goddamn day. Have since I was 7, will until I die.
I am getting treatment, have a great life,am very accomplished, and by all outward appearances am healthy and happy. But I struggle with the depression. Always. It never goes away.
Sometimes the flare-ups are so bad I don't know how I don't just drop dead on the spot. Can't eat, can't get out of bed, am so depressed I feel physical pain from it.
When I'm not in the midst of a deep depression, I still struggle with the basic symptoms (low-energy, sadness, difficulty concentrating, issues with self-esteem) everyday, and I know it's only a matter of time before I experience another major flare-up. They always come back.
I'm not suicidal (currently), but I can empathize with someone who suffers from severe clinical depression and just can't take it anymore.
So true
Deletemore often than not, there are no warning signs for suicide. Often times, people who are clinically depressed get a burt of energy and appear to have a renewed sense of purpose in life right before they kill themselves. People are quite surprised when this happens because they appeared to be getting "better".
ReplyDeletehi again :)
ReplyDeleteI kind of feel silly with my previous post with so many personal experiences you guys just posted :P
@SashaJames2 im so happy you're better and you got out of that!
@The Black Car: thanks for sharing of your teenager angst with us so consitently je.
My heart goes out to her family and friends.
ReplyDeleteWe very recently had a friend commit suicide. Wonderful guy with a great spirit. He left behind a wife who was 6 months pregnant. On the surface they had a fairy tale relationship. To her they had one as well. She is in complete shock. He left no note and there did not appear to her any indication of a serious problem. I don't know what to say to her. None of us do. We do know he had a history of depression in his younger years. What some people do not realize is that a person who suffers from this disease (and it is) can find themselves so far down that rabbit hole that nothing anyone tells them will convince them that the world is not better off without them. It isn't selfish in the traditional sense. It is pain and living darkness. Most learn to function on the surface either with medication or therapy or both. Some self medicate and others cover for a time till it gets to be too much. For those who are dealing with this, my profound respect and deepest well wishes and hope for you. For survivors (family left behind) I am so sorry and would not wish this on anyone. It is a painful way to live. All the money and success can not fully rid them of the pain. In most cases it only masks it for a short time.
Livia, I totally agree with you. Some conditions and situations are not temporary. They're just not.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you are somewhat in remission, we'll say, at the moment. When the good days arrive, we just have to squeeze every drop out of them. Hugs to you and everyone else struggling with chronic pain of all kinds.
I'm terribly sad for her family and friends.
ReplyDeleteMy mother committed suicide when my brother and I were 4 and 8. He still hasn't fully come to terms with the abandonment aspect of it.
I have my own "blue" periods, tomorrow is not on your radar, you are fully immersed in the hopelessness of the now.
RIP Ms Becker.
Man, my first read of the day after being sans laptop for 3 weeks has to be suicide.
ReplyDeleteI just lost a friend a month ago and I found out in April that an ex-boyfriend committed sui. I've lost a lot of people to suicide. I've also suffered from suicidal ideation since age 11. It's so tough to think beyond the moment you get stuck in. If you haven't been there, I'm happy for you. But, try not to judge if you haven't. People say,"Well, suck it up; everyone has bad days." It really isn't that simple. We KNOW and are keenly aware that others are suffering. Mental illness sucks. Anyhoo, sorry for the run on, but I hate this subject. Too personal for me, but I hope her loved ones find some peace.
To those of you who share in this damnable affliction, I wish you peace of mind, that is, a mind at peace with itself, and many,many happy days.
ReplyDeleteTo my fellow MI'ers. Thanks for sharing...hugs and love to you all.
ReplyDeleteI was suicidal years ago. I lived alone and no one - family, friends, co-workers - NO ONE would have guessed I felt that way. Thank God for therapy. I never judge anyone who commits or tries to commit suicide.
ReplyDeleteOne other possibility - could she have fallen by accident? You know, maybe she dropped something, leaned forward to grab it and leaned too far?
Sasha and Livia, thanks for sharing your story, sending positive thoughts your way.
ReplyDeleteIt's a strange story but as others have mentioned you never know what's going on inside a persons heart, people with the most perfect lives sometimes are the most depressed. RIP Miss Becker
Thanks to everyone who shared their stories. It's a horrible, hopeless, and helpless feeling to just not want to be here.
ReplyDeleteOther people can think we have it all, but what good is it if we don't feel like we deserve it?
I (semi-jokingly) told a therapist that inside my head I'm talking myself down from the ledge 24/7. I have had paralyzing depression, but suicide was never a serious consideration. I just couldn't leave loved ones to blame themselves.
Maybe this young woman accidentally fell?
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ReplyDeleteLivia: I know exactly what you mean.I suffer with it daily too ever since I was 13 and it never goes away; some days are better, others are worse, but it's always there, like a dark cloud that always follows you.Every day is a struggle just to survive. I think Albert Camus said it best: " Your most important act each day is deciding not to commit suicide."
ReplyDeleteAnd these comments are why I'm so hooked on CDAN. I have lost friends, close family and once-loved exes to suicide. I've gone through the years long aftershock and recovery of failed attempts with many close friends and some acquaintances. A couple managed to succeed again down the road. I have stared into that abyss myself more than once and been 'accidentally' saved by timely intervention and treatment & hard work.
ReplyDeleteSuccess can be a trap for the clinically depressed. Seeking treatment or telling someone opens the door to gossip. 'Do you think she can handle the pressure of this job, because, you know...' and any conflict is met with 'What? Is she off her meds again?!' For women in business, it's a confirmation to some that they can't hack the tough stuff. For men, it's often worse, in a culture that reveres machismo and "suck it up" mentality from executives.
Until we, as a society, quit treating people with MI differently than we treat people with any other medical condition? Expect a lot of people with "perfect" lives to leave us suddenly. Adding the shame and stigma that goes along with public admissions of needing help to the already crushing depression is a one-two punch.
Very well articulated. One of the big issues I had and still have, is the very negative stigma depression holds.
DeleteI had been around people who gossiped about others who were known to be depressed and I didn't want to be gossiped about in that fashion. Also I kept on hearing I had a great life and had so much to be thankful for. Once I mentioned it jokingly to test the water that I was depressed and I was reprimanded about the fact that depression was a 'white man's illness' and the fact my bf was white did not mean I was now white. After my suicide attempt and during a long period of intense therapy, I was able to open to some people around about my illness, and I have to say I was blasted by close friends for being ungrateful and acting like a weak white girl. But it's easier to talk about it now, becos I was able to conquer my demon.
She killed herself because she was clinically depressed. Clinical depression is not 'feeling a bit down' or 'feeling sad'. Suicidal people are not in their right minds and you cannot expect them to make rational, logical, reasonable decisions. They are mentally ill. It is not about what her life looks like outside (great friends, pretty/attractive, money, job..) it's about what's going on in her head.
ReplyDeleteAgree with many other posters, there are not always "signs" when someone is contemplating suicide. And even their closest friends and family may not understand the depth of their illness.
ReplyDeleteYears ago, when I was working for another agency, I had a co-worker who was an agent in life and health. He was wonderful - sweet, charming, happy. Beautiful wife, three kids. When his wife was 8 months pregnant with their fourth child, he left work early one day. Went home, took his life insurance policy out, left it on the dining room table where his wife could find it. Called the local PD, calmly told the operator he was going to commit suicide, and to send a car quickly as he didn't want his wife to get home and find him like that. Went to the backyard, shot himself in the head.
The life insurance policy he wrote for himself had a two year exclusion on suicide. He took his life two years and one day from the date he took that policy.
We'll never know if he planned it for two years, but I can say that no one would have known during that time what he was contemplating.
Sorry for the long post. Hugs and love to all affected by illness and depression; thank you for sharing your stories.
I also have suffered from depression since my early teens. It is an insidious beast. It convinces you you aren't worthwhile, that no one will miss you if you're gone, that there is no hope, ever. It infects your brain and makes you completely irrational.
ReplyDeleteI got help because I wanted to die, because in my mind it was the only way that I could get the pain to stop. The only thing I did different was blurt it out to my mother when I was in a fetal position on the living room floor, sobbing. I got lucky that someone was there at that breaking point.
So this young woman may have "had it all" on paper, but her mind could very well have told her otherwise. And maybe she was at that point where rational thought was gone and there was no one there to stop her. I can only hope she's found peace.
Thanks for posting this, Enty. I wonder if you could post something on your page about the National Suicide Prevention lifeline on your page? I volunteer taking chats from people all around the country who are thinking of suicide. The link to their site is http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ People can call in or chat and remain anonymous and everyone who takes the calls and or chats are trained to help and listen.
ReplyDeleteNot all people who commit suicide are technically clinically depressed. That's another myth. It would seem like a logical leap that would make sense, but it is not always the case.
ReplyDeleteThank you, KamQ, for your work. Continued kudos and hugs to everyone here who has shared his/her story.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for your kind and supportive comments, and thanks to those who also shared your stories. It help to know you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteI never talk about my depression (except to my immediate family and my doctor) but I've decided I need to start speaking up if I think I can help people understand, even in just a small way, what living with depression is really like.
"Suicide is a permant solution to a temporary problem"
ReplyDeleteI truly believe this. There is always another choice, you may not like that choice but you always have other options.
I too suffer from chronic pain and lots of other health issues. But I choose not to let the darkness in and overwhelm me. It's not easy, but I will not be a victim of my inherited disease. I shared my story above and have at length in the past (multiple family suicide attempts and clinical depression).
I surround myself with positive loving people, engage in positive self talk and know my limits with my body. I have a lot to offer this world and I refuse to let this disease identify me or my life.
I will end with this quote:
"Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction. Break the habit. Talk about your joys!" - Rita Schiano
By definition chronic means long term or recurring. That isn't temporary.
DeleteThis reminds me of that super model that jumped to her death in New York a few years ago - it's hard to understand why someone who is successful, beautiful and seems to have it all would kill themselves :(
ReplyDeleteDia papaya: my comment wasn't addressing the issue of choice, but rather the idea that depression is temporary. In many cases, it's not.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I have made my choice. I am here, alive, writing this post because I weighed all the good things in my life (and there are many) against the knowledge that my life will ALWAYS include depression, and had to decide if I can live with the pain. I can, but I can totally understand people who made the calculation and came up with a different answer.
10 years ago this week, my boyfriend at the time took his fathers shotgun, sawed it off, took his fathers classic 60's car, and started a police chase by shooting at the first police officer he saw, with the intent to make the police shoot to kill. Since his father was chief deputy of the county's police department, he knew what to do. His doctor the day before told him he was switching his anxiety medication, plus he was turning 26 in a few months and knew he was going to be dropped from his father's insurance... Plus he left a note behind. We talked that night, he told me he was going to take that car and crash it into a tree, I begged him not to, that I would try to see him tomorrow, he said he wouldn't, and we hung up. In hindsight, I should've called his mom and told her what he said; maybe things would be different, maybe not, but he had attempted suicide at least three other times in the previous 4 years, I'm pretty sure he had his mind made up that time and chose a method that was going to be final.
ReplyDeleteThe worst part is my eldest daughter was born on his birthday, and my youngest child was born 5 days after his death date. Planning birthday parties is harder than I thought.
Stephanie's story reminded me of the Simon & Garfunkel song "Richard Cory," which I learned while looking it up today was based on an 1897 poem by Edward Arlington Robinson - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Cory.
ReplyDeleteBasically, it's about a guy who is wealthy, well educated, 'imperially slim,' and admired by everyone he knows. It ends: "Richard Cory, one calm summer night, Went home and put a bullet through his head."
I don't know if I have a point, except to say that this is not a 2012 situation, an American situation, or a white person's situation. It's a human situation.
I cope by running. I run and run until my heart feels like jumping out of my chest, and then a wonderful feeling of relaxation fills my entire body. Running is my buffer when everything seems senseless.
ReplyDeleteGood luck to all who suffer, please be aware that there are effective tools to combat the sadness.
Running is the key to my sanity. It's the only way to quiet my mind.
DeleteEveryone is different but here's a few thoughts on what helped me conquer depression.
DeleteMy life sucks eggs but the following help me to keep going and have peace even as I struggle to have a better life.
I've learned to regulate my thoughts..and to change the subject in my mind.
You can tell when the depression is coming..if you pay attention, it comes from what you are allowing yourself to think about.
Discipline your mind, to not allow the downward spiral in your thinking to occur..its really important to jam the negative thoughts as soon as you notice them..its much harder to come back from being in a negative thought spiral, than to catch your thoughts right from the outset and divert them to something else, something truthful and positive.
I have been practicing this for years now and it has made a WORLD of difference..I do not allow myself to go into the depressive state in the first place by forcing positive thoughts into the negative ones.
The negative thoughts are usually not the truth anyway..think about it..when you tell yourself...its no use...that's a lie....I'll never make it....not true.....I'm better off dead...no you're not, someone will miss you...and so on.
Even if you don't totally believe the positive thinking, you'll feel better.
Take life one day at a time, one moment at a time. Do not agonize or overwhelm yourself thinking about what might happen..it may never occur.
Take action in your life. DO SOMETHING about your problems. If your efforts fail, try again..don't ever accept failure..keep trying..change your strategy.
Being active definitely helps!! Get moving even if its just taking one step..take one step..then another..keep going and you will find yourself done...move forward to the next task.
Go to the park and get some fresh air..nature is healing.
Drink water and eat fruit.
Caffeine is very helpful...I try to only drink 1 or 2 tops cups of coffee per day but sometimes I put 3 or four tablespoons of coffee in the machine for one cup..
Do not compare yourself to others..you do not know what others' problems may be.
Do not take bad treatment personally. But do not just sit there and take it eithert, get away from people who make you feel bad..notice how you feel and do something about it..your feelings matter.
Treat yourself to something you enjoy every day.
Find positive ways to alter your mood..watch a comedy..text a friend..look on CDAN..masturbate!
Finally, find meaning and a purpose in your problems. There is a reason you are going through this..it isn't just random. How can I find the greater meaning in my suffering, and then maybe even use it to help someone else. Works for me.
I am also a Christian..the scriptures really help me put my suffering into perspective. At the end of the day, the struggle isn't even about me..and I am never alone....that is an illusion not the truth..
Never give up on yourself!!! Things can ALWAYS be worse...and they WILL get better..do not listen to negative people. Not even yourself.
May God bless us all, and may we all someday recognize and experience the state of grace He has already given each of us. Love to all
I was just reading an article about a commenter on the article saying that he heard her scream and heard her land on the terrace. I thought most people who commit suicide don;t scream because they have resigned themselves to death.
ReplyDeleteI had a friend who tried to kill herself by jumping (she failed) and she said you get to the point that you don't think you are being selfish, you hate yourself so much that you think the world and your loved ones would be better off without you - she, at the time, saw it as a selfless act....
Del Riser said:
ReplyDeleteMy mother committed suicide when my brother and I were 4 and 8. He still hasn't fully come to terms with the abandonment aspect of it.
And this is the only thing that has kept me from either A: Doing myself in or B: Running away from everything and starting over somewhere else in the world where no one knows me.
I have been married for 23 years, husband decided that life was greener somewhere else--my job sucks and all I want is my life back from 1 year ago--before I discovered my husbands affairs.
I am so tired of trying to "just hand on until morning".
BUT--I will NEVER do that to my child. When I have sat there with the bottle of pills and the bottle of Vodka--all that kept going thru my head is that my daughter would be alone--or worse, she might be the one to find me. Every minute of every day is a struggle and I just pray to make it thru.
Don't judge by the way someone looks on the outside--their inside can be a mess behind the smiles.
Im a little tardy to the party here but you just cannot understand what's going through someone's mind in that state. You don't want to call someone first and burden them with your problems. And self-destruction is a bitch. You just act a damn fool and it totally validates all your feelings of worthlessness. I honestly, honestly didn't think anyone would give a shit if I was gone. It's been years since I was that bad and I truly hope I never am again.
ReplyDeleteI don't think the quote from Phil Donahue "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" ever meant to imply that depression is a short term illness. I always thought he meant that the action of suicide is finality vs dealing with an issue within the same present moment. It's complicated, but I do not think his phrase should be devalued. It does get better , you have to find the space to give you that extra moment.
ReplyDeletePoor girl
ReplyDeletePoor girl
ReplyDeleteI keep writing and deleting my post. I can't describe in words what truly goes through your mind when you decide you're done, when you have decided its just too much.....everything.
ReplyDeleteThe first time I tried with true intentions to not wake up, I was in middle school. Since then, there have been numerous times when I was a breath away from swerving off the road, a few sleeping pills shy of not waking up.
But in the end, I think of how my father and aunt turned out when their mom died. How their dad didn't cope, how my grandmother would play the cassette tape of her funeral several times a year. Then I think of how one ripple can cause such a big wake in the water. And how it stops with me. My children and grandchildren and so on will not experience what I have had to.
Agent, please don't take this the wrong way, but it DOESN'T always get better. That's a really nice and optimistic catch-phrase lately, you know, and the videos are great for the kids to see, etc., and as a junior social worker, I have to professionally accept the philosophy for my clients and such. By no means do I ADVOCATE suicide.
ReplyDeleteBut daily intense chronic pain? The kind that no therapy, no drugs, no intervention can fix? Mental OR physical? They can make one not want to get out of bed, not want to wake up, not want to keep fighting. By all MEANS, we can hope to keep going and find just ONE thing every day that keeps us living, sure. But I can not and will not ever judge those who have simply decided that a life spent in torment and suffering is NOT better than a merciful end, in THEIR eyes, based on THEIR realities.
(I'm not saying you ARE judging, or anyone else, either. Not at all. Suicide is final. It can destroy the lives left behind. Believe me, I know. I don't want to say how I know, but I know. I'm just saying that for some, the choice is theirs to make, I suppose.)
Well stated, AKM.
ReplyDeleteI get the sentiment behind "it gets better" and "it's temporary." I get that it's meant to offer hope and understanding. I just feel that it's incredibly naive and dismissive of the reality that chronic conditions like severe clinical depression AREN'T temporary and DON'T get better. Sure, a person might not be living on the edge of suicide at every second, the intentions may pass, but the depression is still there, and it always comes back. There is treatment to mitigate symptoms, but there is no cure. It won't go away, ever.
What's helped for me is not to pretend that depression doesn't suck or it will all burn away with the bright light of day, but rather that I can still fight it, and just maybe be stronger than it is.
Instead of trying to diminish the severity of the depression or whatever issue, I think it's more helpful to admit it sucks and acknowledge the strength required to deal with it.
Like AKM, I don't advocate suicide and I do hope everyone can find treatment and some measure of peace, but I understand what drives some people to it. AKM hits it when s/he talks about "a life spent in torment and suffering." There are some things worse than death.
Good heavens, we need an open joke post or something. I'm starting to feel like I sound interminably morose and insufferably gloomy. Somebody say something fun!
Oh my... I just want to hug each and every one of you - knowing it won't necessarily help but... What brave, strong amazing people you all are.
ReplyDeleteI suffer from PTSD after an attempt on my life and than years of stalking afterwards. The anxiety attacks that come from no where are debilitating.So a part of me understands a bit of that unable to "get over it" feeling.
BUT reading what I am reading now I feel like i have a scraped knee and ya'll dealing with depression have lost a limb.
I do know talking about it helped, and continues to help, me - actually turned an aquaintance into a best friend when we discovered we both suffered w/ anxiety and thought we were the only ones. talk about a bond...
You truly do not know what is going on in someones world - always remember that. xoxoxo
Ladies, thank you for your generosity. I mean no harm (as you know).I always look to that open space-the pause between the notes or the gap between thoughts- to center myself and that is what I use to teach the younger people in my life to help cope with depression or with making an irrevocable choice. It in no way diminishes nor treats long term depression but it does help in getting refocused in the present moment. Now, about that joke...well, my turkey neck is sagging as much as my boobs these days:)
ReplyDeleteThere is a song called "Dear Agony" by Breaking Benjamin. The lead singer wrote it and well, he hit it right on the head if you ask me. If you got the time, there are quite a few songs they have done that have touched home for me.
ReplyDeleteAhhh, Agent**It, it's clearer to me now what you mean about trying to be "present in the moment." I'll have to chew on that a bit.
ReplyDeleteTwo jokes:
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.
A shoelace walks into a bar and orders a drink, but the bartender tells him they don't serve shoelaces and kicks him out. The shoelace goes into the alley, ties a loop in his head and musses up the edge. He goes back in to the bar and orders again. When the bartender refuses to serve him, he asks why. The bartender says, "I told you I won't serve shoelaces, and you're a shoelace, aren't you?"
The shoelace says, "nope, I'm a frayed knot."
Dorky enough for you?
Again, thank you for the honesty and courage. Big hugs from Australia. I think you are all important, but I also understand that darkness can be overwhelming, hopefully this little Internet group of supporters contributes a bit of light. May we all have a good day today.
ReplyDeleteSnoopy: your friend is so right. I tried to kill myself 3 times and I felt if I was dead and gone that everyone would be glad actually and wouldn't miss me and would be better off without me and that I would be doing them all a favour.I was always being blamed for everything anyway(even for how I feel; for being depressed,etc.)that if I removed myself from the equation that the problem would be solved and everyone would be happy; my pain and miserable life would be over and they'd be rid of me. I can't even begin to describe what it feels like to hate yourself and your life so much you wish you were someone else, anyone else, and would rather be dead, and even in a houseful of people to still feel so alone,that even your own family shuts you out.It's unbearable to already feel dead inside.
ReplyDeleteAlways a high five for dorky jokes!
ReplyDeleteAgent**It, I have enough dorky jokes to make your hands bleed.
ReplyDeleteSasha, Lurker Girl, Bobbi, Pogue, and all the others who shared your stories - thank you. You all embody the strength I was talking about. Everything you've done in your life, you've done with the weight of some pretty heavy sh*t trying to bring you down. And Pogue, are you in a place in your life where you can cut out the toxic people? You need to take care of yourself.
Stacey Charter: don't ever feel like it's a contest over who has it "worse." Sounds like you went through something pretty horrific, and, like the others, it sounds like you have some steel in you.
Y'all are amazing.
Now I'm done cluttering up this post.
Thanks everyone for your stories. I'm sick as a dog laying on my couch sobbing reading this ans my partner walks in the room and is like " what??? "
ReplyDeleteI suffer from paralyzing anxiety which is a whole other ballpark but I grew up with a mother that was extremely ( still is ) depressed. For so many years I blamed her and hated her for being sad. Why couldn't she just be cool like my dad? Why is she crying ALL the time? Why does she never get out of bed? It wasnt until I turned thirty and had to beat a nasty opiate ( thanks doc! ) addiction that I truly understood her plight. I didn't want my kids to have to see me go through rehab and then spend the next two months being so accutely sick that I could barely walk .. But it was what is was and that's life .. I learned that MI is just like addiction.. And it can leave a wake of confused loved ones who have to deal with the aftermath. I learned I didn't need to forgive my mom for being sick.. I just needed to understand and support her. We finally have a wonderful relationship after 20+ years of animosity. I love her just for who she is and am actually helping her move to sunny Florida so she can live the rest of her life in the sun in the Keys which may make her life just a little bit better. We live in a city where it rains 9 months out of the year so it's not really condusive for those suffering from seasonal disorder in top of depression. And it's also called bridge city.. And I have a terrible phobia of bridges! Ok.. I'm rambling here.. These comments really moved me today though.. Thanks again for sharing everyone :) lots of universal love being sent your way!
Alicia - My mom suffers from clinical depression never sought treatment. It was a horrible way to grow up. We are OK now and have a pretty good relationshi[, but it took me a LONG time to get over my anger and abandonment from having an absent depressed mom. She was physically there but emotionally absent and I ended up being the mother for my family for most of my life.
ReplyDeleteSo I get it! Excited that you and your mom are better. Sunny weather is such a huge mode lifter. Now you can go visit Jan and Feb, and get out of this rain.
Oopsie. Mood! Lifter!
ReplyDeleteSun = Happy Mode :)
Dia - abandonment is so the right word.. I felt like I didn't really have a mom. And in turn I had to take the reigns and become a young matriarch of the family. It causes so much resentment doesn't it? And yes! As much as I despise Florida ( sorry floridians ) I do like the Keys and since my moms working for the airlines we get family tickets so I predict we will be there every jan/feb for a long time! Thanks for the comment btw.. It's nice to randomly share and connect
ReplyDeleteThis is a bit of a silly question but I feel I can get some honest answers.
ReplyDeleteWhat's the best way to affirm to someone with depression that they are loved?
My friend thinks no one likes her (they do), she's ugly (she isn't), she's boring (she isn't) and I could go on. Telling her about her best qualities only gets a, "That's very nice of you." as a response. And this is an adult not an angsty teen.
This has been a very informative and moving thread. Thanks everyone for posting. I have some newfound insight.
ReplyDeleteMaybe her life only looked perfect on the outside. But was she happy on the inside? Or maybe she lived in what seems to be a perfect life that when confronted with real life problems for the first time, she can't handle it.
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ReplyDeleteAs a person who has dealt with suicidal tendencies myself,I don't mean to be insensitive,but why is HER suicide on here?
ReplyDeleteuhh hello, mental illness. that's why. poor girl... RIP
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