To their credit, the school did hear about the bullying and on Wednesday set up a meeting with Felicia and one of the boys. He denied ever bullying anyone. Later, Felicia ran into another person who had been bullying her and they got into an argument. The school never told the parents. Felicia had run away from her foster home seven times. Her final Instagram photo was a photo of her covering her eyes and saying just because you smile doesn't mean you are happy.
If you are ever depressed or being bullied or thinking about killing yourself, please ask someone for help. Ask me, ask anyone on this site. Ask your friends or family or the homeless guy on the street. Talk to someone. Suicide is not the right choice. Ever.
Oh my God. Horrific. This bullying/suicide is out of control.
ReplyDeleteHeartbreaking. :(
Sounds like being bullied wasn't the only problem she was having.
ReplyDeleteThis goes beyond just bullying, let's not trivialize it.
ReplyDeleteFSP, right on. Running away from her foster home, sex with multiple partners in one night? This girl sounds like she was was just waiting for the last straw to do something about her hard life.
ReplyDeleteUgh. This makes me so sad. :(
And what kind of man/boy would be willing to participate in multiple rape like that? Why would they want to? These guys need to be outed, whether they're minors or not.
ReplyDeletewho said it was rape? enty said she had sex with 4 guys.
DeleteJennifer OT: I left a reply to you on yesterday's thread re Lindssay lohan. Kindly read it. Thank you.
Delete@FSP: i have the same idea
ReplyDeletethe bullying was not her one problem
RIP Felicia
That is so sad. That poor girl.
ReplyDeleteOh so sad. Poor girl must have been desperate.
ReplyDeleteDoes varsity mean a college team?
Poor kid. RIP
ReplyDelete@Sarah - varsity is the top tier high school team. Probably juniors and seniors.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me so sad. Teenagers can be awful to each other. :(
@seachica thank you! Trying to get my head around the school and sports systems and teams :-)
ReplyDelete15 year old foster child, banging 4 dudes at a party. Poor thing was crying out for attention and acceptance. The derision she received musta been too much.
ReplyDeleteSoooooo many of these kids can only look into the future as far as the end of their nose. Sad.
School should have notified police, so the cellphones could be confiscated and some one brought up on charges for production/distribution of kiddie porn.
This is so sad.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that concerns me with suicide, and the connection with bullying - for instance this young lady and Amanda - Where is the balance between acknowledging what has happened, but not letting it be romanticized (sp?) to other young people that may think this is a great way for revenge, or to receive sympathy that they are craving. I am genuinely concerned and don't say that to be callous at all.
Yes, teenagers are awful to each other, but I think many of these kids have other problems besides. Bullying is nothing new. Social media certainly makes it easier to do and harder to escape.
ReplyDeleteIt was awful that no one could see this coming.
Susan: I didn't see anything about rape in the article. Can you post the quote that states she was an unwilling participant? Huge F'n difference between rape and buyer's remorse.
ReplyDeleteThis^^^^^^^^^
Delete@SusanB
ReplyDeleteAs bad as it sounded, no where does it say anyone was raped.
So sad, my dearest friends son committed suicide last year. This comment really hit home about Just Because you smile doesn't mean you are happy. My friends son was a happy kid, friends, not bullied, atleast from what we could see. You just never know what is going through someone else's head.
ReplyDeleteThat is exactly it, you never know what is going on behind what you see! I wish there had been someone there that she could have gone to, or better! That would have gone to her! Trust me, I have been just as critical as everyone else has been at some point or another, but I'm starting to really think before I speak. You never know how your word will effect someone, and the one kind thing you say could tip a scale, you know what I mean? Poor girl. Yes she obviously had a lot of shit to deal with and yes she was making some bad choices, but anyone who is at the end of their rope, and there doesn't seem to be any answer up death, needs love so much more than criticism. Rest in peace sweet heart. Here is hoping that you found respite.
ReplyDelete@Count Jerkula - I agree. With a sex video of a MINOR floating around their school (and who knows where else), all they did was have a meeting with the girl and one of the guys? WTH are they thinking?
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in HS< I was sexually harassed in gym class by a guy who picked on me on a daily basis (pushing, breaking into my locker and tossing my stuff down the hall, etc). I flipped out on him, and our teacher (his wrestling coach), said he was going to give ME detention. I pointed my finger at him and said, "He sexually harassed me. If you put ME in detention over this I'm going to sue you and the school so fast it'll make your head spin." He let it go after that. This was 13 years ago now, and back then they didn't campaign bullying as much as they do today. It's a real shame this girl's school didn't do more. Someone finally going to bat for her could've saved her life.
so sad, she was a pretty girl.
ReplyDeleteTeenagers can be such horrible, horrible, horrible people.
ReplyDeletePoor girl, I wonder what was going on in her foster home too? And if she was in foster care, who knows what life had been like with her parent(s)? Augh.
ReplyDeleteWhat's wrong with our kids that the trend is to give up and kill themselves. Why isn't the trend fighting back?
ReplyDeleteI am so glad I'm not in high school now. With fb and twitter and ig these kids get bullied 24/7. It's so sad and this story makes me sick.
ReplyDeletewww.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
ReplyDeleteCall (usa) 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
Yeah - this wasn't rape, this was a young REALLY MESSED UP girl with lots of problems. Sad story.
ReplyDeleteWhy is it that in today's society it is SO IMPORTANT to never bully (which is ridiculously unlikely) and nobody is really teaching kids how to be strong and stand up for themselves? The fact is that just about everyone is a bully to someone else. This story will just encourage more kids to play victim to their circumstances.
ReplyDeleteThe saddest part is that she has no family (?) to care about this tragedy.
Every parent with a son needs to have a good long talk with that son about how not to bully, intimidate, rape. It's disgusting that these same boys who raped her (she 15 and could not legally consent) were the same ones that bullied her after the fact.
ReplyDeleteI feel terrible for her. Enty's right. Ask any if us for help. They say 'suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem'. It gers better. Think of vanessa williams. Beautiful, accomplished, talented, miss america for godssakes! Then those almost porno like pictures released. Stripped of miss america crown, humiliated in public. She kept her head down and kept working, now has family and career. The point is dontt gv up!! U dont know what future holds!! It cld be wonderful!
ReplyDeleteMy bad, guys. I shouldn't have said rape. (although I would assume it's at least statutory rape). But still - what kind of guys would all want to have sex one right after the other with a girl? Do they watch each other do it? Was she really in a state of mind to consent? Why would these guys think this is a good idea? I still think they should be outed for taking advantage of her. I don't think they'll change as they get older.
ReplyDeleteAll very good questions. If only only the males in question were introspective enough to ask themselves these questions.
Delete:`(
ReplyDeleteRest.in.peace,babygirl.And,love.what.HoneyKatt.said.
Enty's post doesn't say who did the bullying. Only one of the players was called to a meeting. Could have been others at the party.
ReplyDeleteGod. I hope I'm helping to raise two boys that would never do something like this to a girl and would instead try to help her. I know it wasn't rape, but still, I hope they would at least step up and say something.
ReplyDeleteThere were 4 on the football team who did the bullying: in the hallways, online and several were there on the railroad platform taunting her, and then she jumped. The police are investigating cooercion via drugs, etc and may have evidience that there are tapes in dicating possible rape. The last part is speculation based on leaky lip tips from the police dept. Her parents are dead which is why she was in foster care. RIP.
ReplyDeletewhat a horrible story. all around.
ReplyDeleteWhere are the parents raising these kids? Don't you know when you're kids are doing the Wong thing- because you're involved in their lives? Aren't you listening to them, guiding them and disciplining them when you KNOW they did something wrong? Kids are a product of their environment and with all of these cases lately it sounds like half of this county's parents are ABSENT. Be PRESENT- parents can help stop this perverse behavior before it starts. Get a grip, adults, and stop being your teenagers buddy. You're a fucking parent, act like one.
ReplyDeleteThat was exactly my point @nap
DeleteThis happened where I live. In the past 5 years, 3 people have killed themselves at that train station.
ReplyDeleteThere are questions as to whether or not she was intoxicated when the sexual contact took place.
The high school is full of it. It wasn't a meeting, it was mediation that they pulled her out of classes for ALL DAY LONG on Wednesday. Her parents died in a car accident several years ago and she lived with a foster family. School NEVER contacted them. So the mediation and what lead up to it was significant enough for them to pull this child out of classes for an entire day, yet not enough to call her guardian? Right. Football is big business at that school. Several incidents with the team/coach have been swept under the rug over the years.
I don't know whether or not any kind of intervention could have saved this girl. I DO know that the school's handling of the incident was inadequate, but sadly, that is not surprising.
Yes, we need to teach our children that they are worth enough to stand up for themselves. We also need to teach them to respect each other. And we need to LEAD BY EXAMPLE.
I'm in the same town blossom :)
DeleteI had read it was mainly the football players taunting her everywhere but I agree that the bullying was just the last drop. This poor girl lost her parents, was taunted because she looked different and was in a foster home. It's something that should have been looked into sooner.
@katsm0711 Obviously you have never been a victim of bullying, nor anyone in your family.
ReplyDeleteThere are some people who have the verbal skills, loud voice, and self-esteem to fight back. Maybe you have that. Well, lucky you. Most teenagers and children don't.
We're human beings, not living in a jungle where it's survival of the fittest.
I've even seen you post the odd comment to the effect that people
who can't take it, deserve it!!
People like you are part of the problem.
Get a fucking life @tux and maybe you need a translator with a "normal" iq to decipher my comments to you.
DeleteGet a fucking life @tux and maybe you need a translator with a "normal" iq to decipher my comments to you.
DeleteIt sounds like they used P.A.L.S. or a program of the sort. It's peer assistance and when people are fighting or being bullied, they put those two people in a room together, along with anotherstudent pal, who mediates the situation and makes sure it doesn't get out of hand. They pull you out of classes for it and keep you there for a while.
ReplyDeleteI guess it helps to read the story. Yes, she had a horrible life, but the bullying and taunting is what made her decide to end it. It is remarkable that boys get a pat on the back if they participate in something like this while the girl is slut-shamed. Her blood is on those kids heads. I hope they remember what they did to this girl every day of their shitty lives.
ReplyDeleteTuxedo Cat- that was unnecessary. katsm never indicated that this girl deserved to kill herself. Pointing out that children should be empowered is not the same thing as blaming them for getting bullied. Kids don't need to have loud voices in order to stand up for themselves.
ReplyDeleteThis is an example of what we as a society need to stop doing.
@Tuxedo Cat "There are some people who have the verbal skills, loud voice, and self-esteem to fight back". Excellent response to Katsm question " Why isn't the trend to fight back?" Katsm, many can't.
ReplyDeleteI do not think it is Statutory either. The 4 guys were in High School. Even if some were 18, some states laws are set up where if they are contemporaries (within 2-3 years of age) then it is not deemed statutory rape. If you are going to consider any girl below the age of 18 that is sexually active a rape victim, then I'll sit here and shake my head.
ReplyDeleteOnly reason I harp on this is because throwing the word rape around (even statutory) like it is dirt diminishes it, and is an injustice to those that have been the victims of ACTUAL rape.
There is nothing in this story to allude to the fact that she wasn't a willing participant. If it comes out that she was passed out and they took advantage, then they should be strung up. Until then you are just going down the road of the people that had the Duke Lacrosse team in electric chairs before the facts were known.
Heartbreaking story.
ReplyDeleteGood on Enty for the last paragraph. Not just writing up the article, but acknowledging that everyone goes through dark times now and then and needs help. It can get better and being willing to put himself out there to talk to and offering that there are other commenters that would also be willing to listen and do what they can to help is a good thing to do.
Sometimes, just feeling that people will listen, without judgement can help, too.
Maybe we can't make the bullying stop, b/c we live too far away, etc... but if you make a poor choice (and I am certainly, absolutely NOT saying that is the case here for this girl, just saying it as an example) and you feel shame and are being bullied for it, people make mistakes and should be allowed to move on. I'm just saying this b/c I think sometimes when people are being bullied for making a bad choice, they might sometimes feel like no one would listen or have any compassion for them b/c of it. But people can.
You want to pretend there isn't the possiblity of rape, statutory or otherwise, that's your choice, whatever. The guys most definitely can be brought up on distributing child porn.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHere's a good site explaining NY statutory rape laws: http://www.avvo.com/legal-guides/New-York-Age-Consent
ReplyDeleteBased on the facts, I rescind my comment that this was statutory rape.
That said, how many girls feel coerced, intimidated, or pressured to have sex? I'm not saying that's rape, but certainly the girl is not assessing her options properly.
I'm tired of people telling girls and women to be careful, be tougher, keep your legs crossed. F*ck that! Boys and men need to be told to be considerate, be empathetic, be respectful.
Tell the boys and men, if you wouldn't want your sister, wife, mother to be in this situation, then help the girl you DON'T know in this situation.
@Audrey. +1000
Delete@Audrey. +1000
Delete@Audrey - +1000
Delete@everyone - we can agree to disagree on our opinions. I think calm differing comments help a lot more than ad hominem attacks.
@Audrey - +1000
Delete@everyone - we can agree to disagree on our opinions. I think calm differing comments help a lot more than ad hominem attacks.
I wish I could take every single one of these precious girls and boys and hug them and love them and protect them.. This fucking just kills me. Wtf kind of world are we living in now? I need to go look at something beautiful now to remind me life is still good..
ReplyDelete@Agent**it Thanks, Agent, I just get tired of people who think that "growing a pair" is a constructive solution to bullying.
ReplyDeletePeople don't go to school, work, parties, etc. expecting to be teased and tormented, or have video taken of themselves when they do stupid drunk stuff like most college kids do. Most of the time, when kids fight back, it just makes it worse.
@katsm0711 You are getting away with your attitude re bullying because most of your negative comments have been on other threads, and you know it. So does anyone else who is a regular reader.
ReplyDelete@tux You're a fucking idiot you still don't understand the question I posed. Keep being bitter and twisting my words to fill your agenda but know that when I call you a "fucking idiot" it's exactly what I mean. Thanks for attacking me when you didn't even understand what I said. Did I say kids need to "grow a pair"? Show me where please.
DeleteMultiple instances of running away from a foster home and wildly over-sexualized behaviour for her age (or being a sexual target if the circs were fishy) suggest pretty strongly to me that she was dealing with having been sexually abused. I wonder if they are looking into the foster parents.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteAs a foster parent I would beg caution when pointing at the foster home. There are bad foster parents out there, I'm the first to admit it after seeing some of the kids that have come my way. However, most of us are doing a thankless job with our own money and time with hopes of being able to help these children. Accusations come easily. ( We are taught it is not "if" but " when" they occur.) I was investigated less than 24 hours after receiving my son because no one had noted that he had a skin discoloration condition known as "Mongolian spots".
DeleteIf I had the balls @jessi I would be as selfless as you. Thank you for being kind to children who deserve the best, as all kids do!
DeleteCount Jerkula and Audrey...you are both right on.
ReplyDeletethe media is blaming the football team but apparently if you read some of their tweets they are devastated and are planning to do a special memorial at the next game.
ReplyDeleteAnd her nickname was Deadass. :(
Agreed. This is definitely beyond bullying. Anyone who sleeps around is extremely insecure and has issues to begin with. This is so sad. A young girl with her whole life ahead of her, and she's now gone.
ReplyDeleteI feel bad for her death, but something tells me she might have been a wild child. That doesn't justify it AT ALL, but sleeping with 4 guys in one night, and you're in HIGH SCHOOL aka hell? Slut shaming is everywhere in hs, I don't understand how she couldn't have known she was going to be taunted.
ReplyDeleteI think schools should really start programs or groups or teach something about not name calling. Like I said, slit shaming is really out of hand. I'm sure most of us have called someone a whore before. The thing is, most of us do it behind their backs. Saying it to someone's face is way worse. It's up there with "faggot" and "n*gger" in my opinion. It is NOT acceptable. I don't agree with promiscuity, but no one should be judged and ridiculed for what they do with their own body, ESPECIALLY not by someone who participated in the act with them. To me, that is lowest of the low.
And technology has made it worse bc now you can take pictures and videos of everything and 1,000 ppl will have viewed it at the end of the hour. Nothing is sacred. I really think this is the biggest issue in schools right now, bullying. And I believe the culprits should be held accountable when a suicide happens.
@Jax, wait what?? Deadass is her nickname now that shes gone, or it was before?
ReplyDeleteIm confused? So sad!
I am a mom to two children growing up in brooklyn. After hearing this story and reading about the nanny who killed two children in Manhattan last night, i am very fearful and sad.
ReplyDeleteENTY, i applaud you for your candor and availability. It was such a nice gesture, it made me tear up.
The football teams next game has been cancelled so there will be no touching "memorial".What an inappropriate venue that would be. Some on the team are considering releasing the names of their fellow teammates that abused her. That would be, well, quite something.
ReplyDeleteIm on her instagram, it looks like her Uncle and Aunt were taking care of her?
ReplyDeletehttps://factcheckme.wordpress.com/2011/03/03/the-language-of-consent/
ReplyDeleteSo sad, RIP Felicia
ReplyDeleteWho says she was sober? She went to a party and we all know what happens at teenage parties. What if she was drunk, or was not in her full capacity too make the right choice? And the boys took advantage. And to have it videotaped? She proabably wasn't a willing participant in that, or even knew it was happening. She is dead by her own hand. Let's be a little less harsh on her please.
ReplyDeleteThank you Agent it and Audrey, well said.
ReplyDeleteAnd, while I agree that it is important to empower children from a young age empowering kids can only do so much when they are being tormented repeatedly and the bullies parents are minimizing and excusing the behaviours, the school system and society are sweeping it aside until it is too late and that tormented soul feels powerless, isolated and humiliated.
There's NO f'ing empowerment in that.
I feel like suicide is almost a trend for high school and junior high kids now. It seems like everyday there is another case of a young student taking their life after being bullied. My sister, who is in high school, had two friends commit suicide in one week, and has already stopped another friend from committing suicide. It may just be increased awareness, but I can't help but feel like there are sick undertones to everything.
ReplyDeleteSuicide has always, unfortunately, been an issue but I feel like it has spiraled out of control the past few years.
I remember when I was in HS in some groups of kids you were only cool if you were depressed, had anxiety
disorder, or had had a hard and traumatic life. It seems that trend has not only stood the test of time, but picked up lots and lots of speed as well.
Maybe it is simply because of the increased publicity suicides have been receiving. Kids don't see it as death, the end of their lives. They see it as a tool to end the teasing in the moment, rather than realizing it is forever.
It makes me mad when I read people's comments stating she had a lack in judgement, etc for having sex with the four players, yet what everyone is forgetting is that, SHE WAS A CHILD!
ReplyDeleteMy prayers are only with this child. And I pray that she is at least at peace now, reunited with her earthly parents and her heavenly Father.
I'm going to stay out of the fray and commend enty for offering himself.
ReplyDeleteIn that vein, if any of you are in despair and don't know where to turn, there ARE people who truly want to help you. Email enty. Email me. I will talk to you and I will help you find help. If this pertains to you, and you don't believe that anyone will help you...I will.
cdanlola@gmail.com
NOTHING is worth taking your life over. NOTHING. Believe it.
@katsm0711 - The trend isn't "fighting back", because these kids are simply not equipped to fight back. They haven't been "empowered" by their parents, and/or don't have the self-esteem for whatever reason to feel like they can. And, being kids, they can't see into the future to know that this, too, shall pass.
ReplyDeleteThis girl's parents died. Foster parents are not always the most nurturing people - this girl has suffered devastating losses. I know someone mentioned "promiscuity" above...what normal 15 y/o chooses to be promiscuous? To sleep with 4 guys in the same night? This is alarming behavior. She could have been molested earlier in life (or was being molested); she also could have been looking for acceptance and was looking in the wrong place. Tragic. And instead of anyone realizing she needed help, they filmed her. Ugh. Definitely child porn.
Sometimes, when your point isn't coming across the right way, instead of attacking someone who doesn't understand, you could try to provide clarification. I re-read your comment, and it definitely did seem judgmental of the kids who have committed suicide, although you have since said that you did not mean it that way.
If you are the kind of person who has always been able to take up for yourself, that's wonderful. Thank your parents, or thank something inside of you that we don't all have. Would that Felicia, and the others we have yard too much about lately, could summon that kind of strength inside.
Maybe if/when you have kids, you will be a better parent than what some of these kids have had. And hopefully you will let them know that calling someone a fucking idiot is not how to have intelligent conversation. It only makes you look defensive...and like a bully.
In a post yesterday I shared what happened to me at work, but I will so so again now as it is relevant. On Wednesday I had to go to the toilet, unfortunately the misoginist at work was on the toilet next to me. I went out later that day and came back to the guys discussing my toiletries, including with sound. I pulled my boss aside and tried to talk to him privately, but got blown off. On Thursday I came in, and while I had planned to play it cool, I ended up yelling and calling them "f**king disgusting animals". My boss wanted to talk to me, but I yelled at him that I had tried to talk to him yesterday and he wouldn't, so leave me be. The jerk who started it wasn't there, but they did finally admit the conversation went on, but stated it was about a woman from a shop next door who went home sick. I know this is a lie as I heard the misogynist say to another guy that they needed something between our toilets. The guys are carrying on as if nothing has happened. I am 43 years old and went off like a rocket. I was offered Friday off. I refused and came to work. I spoke to someone else about it, a nice guy who is a rep, and he said, "remember they are just boys". This attitude is what is wrong. To those who say fight back, then what? I have , are you going to pay my bills? It starts at home. RIP Felicia.
ReplyDelete@feral would there be any worthwhile person who would listen if you started secretly recording the coworkers with your cell phone? If the boss is in on it, well, you know. That's awful. And creepy and disgusting. I think u said before that you've worked there a very long time and you're amazing for it. You can keep a diary of the incidents (u probably are) but I feel like nobody believes words on paper so recording is best.
DeleteI totally get what Enty is saying, but, "Ask your friends or family or the homeless guy on the street"???
ReplyDeleteThat's some weird fucking advice.
That said, RIP, beautiful girl.
@mango it didn't hit me until you said it like that. I really hope I don't get in trouble for this one but... Homeless people have nothing. It seems like if anyone would give up on life it's them, but they don't. Maybe a suicidal kid would benefit from asking them what keeps them going. It is kind of a weird suggestion but it totally makes sense to me.
DeleteWhat a sad, hard, pain-filled life she lived in only 15 years.
ReplyDeleteI wish her some peace.
katsm, I have put in two formal written complaints about the misogynist & since then we have had complaints from two female customers and a sales rep about the same guy. I have the option of quitting, but this job has flexibility if I need to go to the doctors or take my dad to the doctors like I am doing in a few weeks. I have the full support of my husband, so I will monitor the situation and see how it goes. This guy isn't just rude to me, carpet layers have wanted to punch him as well. Really an issue for the boss who wants to be liked more than he wants a successful business. Glad I went off, it might make them think twice, but I am not going to be organising the Christmas party this year.
ReplyDelete@feral can u go above the boss? Is it worth going to the police?
DeleteYou know what really pisses me off? If a BOY had sex with 4 different girls at this party, he'd be getting kudos from all his friends. But when a GIRL does it, she's bullied and shamed and in cases like this, driven to the extreme. The double standard makes me rage! Considering how troubled this young girl seemed to be, you'd think someone would've noticed and tried to help her. But no. Now the school will come out with "We have a zero tolerance policy towards bullying. We tried to stop it, blah blah blippity blah". Oh, and don't forget, they'll probably have grief counselers on staff for the students...the students WHO PUSHED HER TO SUICIDE! As far as I'm concerned, the little assholes should have to wallow in the remorse and guilt they feel for what they did to this poor girl.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI think I might have written about my bullied years on here - or I might have deleted the long comment very shortly after posting it - I tend to sometimes do that. I might write about my 2 years of hell and torture here at some other point - and it was those things - but I don't want to think on that today. I think It was when I was 12 - 14 years old. Those years made my grow up a lot faster then I would have liked, The thing is - I got through it - time passes - and it passes fairly quickly. This was 20 years ago and I've had a good life ever since. I just want to emphasize what Enty wrote above. If somebody is going through something like what Felicia (or myself) went through, feel free to write me. I will write you back every day. I promise.
ReplyDelete@jason your comment made me tear up a little. You are a sweetheart!
Delete@feral- As an HR Director I find you're coworkers, and boss, really out of line. You should report them. Regardless of the size of your organization you should have an Ombudsman to report inappropriate behavior. Look for the number on your company's website, annual disclosure statement or near your wage/labor posters. This is usually a corporate level legal or HR rep who takes it out of the local office's hands so as to be the most objective. As for the cell phone recording, you can chance it but it's not material we can ever use. You can record and show it to your HR dept. but I legally can't do anything with it after that. Good luck. If you want to email me let me know and I'll be happy to help. On a personal level that's some seriously fucked up stuff.
ReplyDelete@nap that really sucks about not being able to use a recording as evidence. I can't think of a better way to document it. Do u have a recommendation? I HATE he said/she said situations :( there has to be a solution.
Deletekatsm, it is he said, she said. I truly feel the misogynist will mouth off to the wrong person one day. I also told my boss if the misogynist raises his voice at me unprovoked again I will go to the police. Both times he did it the boss wasn't there & I kept my cool and didn't yell back. He is a gutless coward. I wish I could have kept my cool this time, but some things are such a violation, everyone has a breaking point.
ReplyDelete@Agent**lt Re Releasing the names of the players...I'm sure the innocent players are worried about being accused, with good reason. If the other boys are ready to name them it sounds as if the were asses in other respects too....
ReplyDeleteIt would be a positive change from sports teams closing ranks when a scandal takes place....
@kat, nope. It blows, I know. It proves your point to the ones in charge but that's about it. At least here in MO. Elsewhere, I believe it's still an invasion of privacy and all that. Total double standard in this social media and youtube world.
ReplyDelete@nap ugh. Depressing. Now all I can think of is hiring a high schooler to record it and put it on YouTube bc that seems to be how to make a video go viral and then the guy will be outed as a jerk and nothing happens to the teenager. (just a stupid, lame, not exactly a joke)
DeleteFeral, what state are you in? I know in OK and TX (both states where I have worked in HR), only one person has to be aware that a conversation. You might just check the state law where you are to find out the rules. I'm with Nap - I think it's awful what is going on, and if your company has an HR person to whom you can report this, or band together with the other two employees who have complained against him. There is strength in numbers. And like someone said - keep a diary of sorts of these things that happen, whether it's your daily calendar or planner, or even a document on your hard drive. Whatever you do, PLEASE try not to blow up at anyone again, no matter how much they provoke you. While none of those guys may own up to the fact that they were, in fact, joking about you, they will all bear witness to their boss that you blew up. It's not fair, but you do have to protect yourself first and foremost.
ReplyDeleteWe have a saying in HR..."If it's not in writing, it didn't happen." That diary is going to be incredibly important. First-hand accounts in writing, sent to your boss and copied to someone above him (if there is someone), will be powerful and hard to ignore. (Have your affected coworkers send them in as well.)
If nothing is done, let them know you fully intend to report the offender to the police. Just because something happened at work does not make him immune from real-world consequences.
That "someone" was me.
DeleteOK.
Delete"...that a conversation is being recorded." D'oh.
ReplyDelete@kat- it is a crazy, unjust world sometimes. Things we don't want known can be found out, things we need others to see/hear, we have no recourse for. Troubling, to be sure. But personally I'd pay my nieces or my bestie to be "present".
ReplyDeletenap & katsm, I am in Australia. There is no higher up. It is a small family run business. The fridge where I keep my food started getting turned off. I complained & told my boss I would be using petty cash to replace my food. It only stopped after I mentioned I had rung the police for advice. So, police action stopped that, but then this happened. I agree nap, I should have kept my cool. The misogynist is going on holidays in a couple of weeks, so that will be lovely. I normally ignore things, but my hubby was away working, so I think not having him around made it worse. I do feel in my gut that something is going to happen to the misogynist. Will let you know if it does.
ReplyDeleteGood luck @feral please keep us updated. I'm curious how this turns out. At least you can vent here and maybe eventually someone will pop up with a similar experience that got solved, giving you an idea.
DeleteWell said @ kat and keep your chin up feral, good things await you I'm sure.
DeleteIf that party had the varsity football players...chances are, really popular people from that school were there. Which brings me to tell this story and why the people that bullied her were probably the popular girls too.
ReplyDeleteIn my high school, the popular kids were the really rich kids with cabins up north in the state I live. They would go up there and have parties. In these parties, they would trade gf/bf for a night and have threesomes,etc. So, basically, the popular girls in my school WERE sluts. If anything like that happened in the school this girl went to, which I don't doubt, then the girls would be calling the kettle black. But, that is my pure speculation although I'm fairly sure I'm right.
Gotta name and shame these boys and everyone who bullied.
I think Katsom is unfairly taking heat when her comment was not intended (nor does it) to suggest that bullying isn't real or that victims don't advocate enough for themselves. Bullying is real. Cyberbullying is real and makes bullying more pervasive and severe; that video constitutes cyberbullying. What I got out of Katsom's response is why don't more kids have the resources (whether through a sense of self worth, an ability to see the situation as temporary or not as catastrophic as it seems, or have caregivers to help them through these dark times, etc). And when I say not catastrophic, I don't mean their situation isn't demoralizing or painful but it is not worth dying over. I look at it as how do we turn the bullying conversation to also include helping kids to learn to fight back. For this girl, she didn't have options as she was an orphan and the school didn't seem to respond early.
ReplyDeleteYou're an angel @michelle. It's not only why don't bullied kids have enough resources/support, but why are so many kids being raised to bully. We need to figure that out and I think that's how we stop this god awful trend.
DeleteWe are living in a world where psychopaths are breeding like dogs and abandoning their kids. Please re-read the previous sentence. This has a horrible effect on society. This poor child. This never should have happened.
ReplyDeleteProblems at work - understand mobbing and gas lighting.
The book Political Ponerology explains how bad behavior becomes the norm. Good luck to all and like Enty says, talk to someone. Good people still far out number bad.
That book is now on my kindle to read. It can be "borrowed " from their library at no cost. Thanks for the referral Mr /Ms "equation "!
DeleteHow is it acceptable to think that sexual relationships between 1 teenage girl and 4 boys with alcohol and video involved is just WILD BUT OK is beyond me. I was not there and don t know the circumstances but it s just taking advantage of the weakness of a young girl still a child. Even if she said yes, sober and knowing fully it would be taped. It s sick from these young boys and everyone downplaying this.
ReplyDeleteGroup sex and video is the stuff of porn actors and SEASONED swingers. It should not be the stuff of HS and teens. Ever, never.
And according to the DM 88% of private sex pictures/videos end up online.
Poor girl, such a poor girl...
Feraltart - What sucks is you probably won't win. If I were you, I'd start looking around for another job. I'm 100% on your side, though, and despise what's happening to you.
ReplyDeleteWhat usually happens is you become the villain, because you're standing up for yourself. The boss doesn't want to deal with the hassle, the co-workers get annoyed because you took away their fun. It doesn't matter it's because their fun was cruel and wrong.
I've had a few jobs like this as well. One, I was put into a department where they hated new people. They screamed at me for everything. The supervisor even screamed at me for bringing in a bucket of candy to share with them at Christmas! (The other departments had Christmas parties, we had nothing, I just wanted to do something nice. Cunts.) I stood up for myself, complained to HR, but I was complaining about supervisors -- supervisors that the management had chosen. Saying they were bad was taken as saying the managers were bad. So they turned me into the bad guy, got rid of me for bullshit reasons.
@kriss_t this is a valid concern. I live near where Amanda Todd lived and she has basically been martyred in the media. They make her out to be a hero and the face of bullying-she has been on the front page of the newspaper about five times. (Province-wide paper, not the local paper.) I worry about what this is doing to other depressed teenagers and I can absolutely see them deciding "If I can't be anyone important while I'm alive, fine, I'll kill myself and be famous like Amanda, people will notice me then" etc. Obviously these stories need to be shared, but I don't think it's a good idea to make these girls (or boys, as the case may be) into celebrities.
ReplyDeleteAs for this girl, I feel really badly for her but I think her problems went beyond bullying and the title of this story is a bit misleading. "I can't, I'm done, I give up" is not a specific reference to bullying. Sounds like her entire life was just too much.
Wow. I haven't even had 4 guys IN MY LIFE. I can't imagine what goes through your mind to think it's a good idea to do that in one night. Especially in HS, where rumors abound.
ReplyDeleteShe sounds like a very sad and lost little girl. I really can't understand such despair as to toss yourself in front of a train.
Did no one see the warning signs?
I do agree with whomever above, seems suicide is the new "in" thing to do. The thing is, it's not like playing a video game. There is no pressing restart.
Just sad, all the way around
even if she was a willing participant, doesn't mean she should have been taunted about it.
ReplyDeleteWhy aren't boys ever taunted about having group sex?
@nap - I decided to follow in MY parent's footsteps and hope to do some good in this ol' world. I wanted kids and found this was the best option for me. (I'm in the process of adopting my sweet baby boy.)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the props. :) Though that wasn't why I commented. It scares me how often and easy it is for the foster parents to get accusations thrown at them. My parents have taken in many teenage girls and despite their best efforts and close monitoring they have had to deal with runaways, promiscuity, drugs and the like. Two out of ten will accept the help and love and make the changes to have a productive life. (And a loving family. I've got a lot of siblings to buy birthday cards for now!) It is a sad fact but as a foster parent, you do the best you can and pray for a miracle.
I only hope some others read this and give foster parents a chance to be innocent until proven guilty.
@Jessi - I think it's wonderful what you are doing! As an adoptee myself, I love when families can come together through fostering and/or adoption. When I said earlier that "foster parents are not always the most nurturing people", that was never meant to be an all-inclusive statement. My sincere apologies that you were offended.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck to you and your baby boy, who already feels like yours in every way!
No offense taken! There was a comment earlier about " obvious signs of sexual abuse... are the foster parents being investigated"(paraphrasing). I just wanted to make a point that not all fosters are bad. Though some truly are and it hurts my little heart.
DeleteThe girl had sex with 4 men in one night at a party. Generally that's a sign of molestation and or deep depression. Then she ran away from a foster home seven times. Either poor treatment in the home or problems from her past. Let's not blame her death on some bullying although it had a factor there were many other factors that aren't being mentioned. Where were here parents?
ReplyDeleteAmills. If you read the comments prior to yours, you would know that her parents are DEAD.
DeleteAs sweet as it is of some of you to offer to listen, talking to someone who cares doesn't always help. I hate that people assume it's that "easy" to choose not to kill yourself. When you're dealing with chronic, severe depression, your brain chemicals are fucked up, and there is nothing rational about the way you feel. And sometimes, things don't get better. Depression is like cancer - sometimes you get better, sometimes the disease is fatal, no matter what anyone tries to do to fix it.
ReplyDelete@Mooshki
ReplyDeleteExcellent point. Although I disagree that sometimes there is no end to suffering. Sometimes it is a long, extraordinarily tough road. Sometimes it involves trying several different drug cocktails, for months (and even years) on end. Sometimes it involves finding an underlying disease that is affecting your brain chemistry. Sometimes it involves measures such as ECT. Sometimes it takes time, which can seem infinite. Sometimes it means keeping a person safe from themselves until the other things work.
Sometimes choosing to push through the pain is the hardest thing you can ask of yourself; harder than not pushing through could ever be.
I'm not offering to be "sweet".
I'm offering because I know the pain. I also know how it feels to be left behind. And I know that everyone has value. And I know, for sure, that it gets better.
cdanlola@gmail.com
I wish Felicia had had the wonderful people here at CDAN to turn to...my eyes are brimming reading the comments left by Lola and Jason. And, so many others.
ReplyDeleteTranscranial magnetic stimulation is being tested for depression. My neighbor is a test subject. Holy hell, what a difference it's made for her. Also a form of it is out there that is being tested for severe OCD and is getting excellent results.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could find out where all these so called bullies live, who their parents are, destroy the problem from the root
ReplyDelete