Reese Witherspoon's dad got married again. Way back in January and announced it in the newspaper last week. One slight problem. He is still married to Reese's mom. Whoops. Reese's mom is now suing Reese's dad for bigamy. Reese's mom says that John Witherspoon is suffering from dementia and was taken advantage of by this new woman. Reese's mom still loves him very much. One big problem is that the new wife has already moved into the condo that Reese bought her dad in Nashville and won't leave. When someone is older, and Reese's dad is 70, it can be so easy to take advantage of them. Apparently her dad does not even remember marrying the woman. So sad.
So that's going to help..he's got dimentia, now sue him for bigamy???
ReplyDeleteThis doesn't make sense. How could he get away from his wife for long enough to form a relationship with someone else and marry her? Especially if he has dementia. Seems he'd be under close scrutiny!
ReplyDeleteI agree. If she loves him very much, why is she suing???
ReplyDeleteUnless of course the mom is as big a beyotch as Reese is rumored to be. Look at Reese in this photo. She looks like she eats her young is this pic.
Mb by suing , the family can gain control of him legally. Im sure thats the objective.
DeleteSo call the police and kick her out......
ReplyDeleteShe's suing him b/c that's her only recourse to get this woman out of his life. Suing him puts just as much pressure on the new (not really) wife. It's not that hard to figure out.
ReplyDeleteWhat else would you propose the mom do about this? She needs to ensure that this Marriage is declared illegal. How else do you get that done? Serious question.
ReplyDeleteIf the dad has dementia (and he probably does if he can't remember marrying her), he needs to be under full time supervision. Reese can surely pay for assisted living, and should probably get guardianship to prevent exactly this type of thing from happening. What a sad situation.
There are better details to this story elsewhere. Like @Diana... said, suing him seems the best way to get that woman away from him. Legally, they aren't married.
ReplyDeleteI get mini panic attacks when I think of someone close to me having dementia. It's just not the way I'd want them to go out.
@EnEyeKay -- I went through it with my mom. Its much harder on the loved ones. The person with dementia suffers on the @good days", when they are lucid enough to know that something isn't quite right. The other days, they live in a haze and can be as innocent as children.
ReplyDeleteSo were the parents separated ? Was he living on his own ?
ReplyDelete@Seachica, I'm really sorry to hear this. I can't imagine how hard it would be. Cyberhug!
ReplyDeleteHaving dealt with both parents with this issue, I have to say, Why in the HELL does her Dad not have some form of full time caretaker?
ReplyDeleteIf you are so far gone you can forget you are married, you can also forget you left the stove on! It sounds as if he was living alone. I hope to GOD he doesn't have access to an automobile! We had to take the keys away from my parents a few years ago and it wasn't easy. But it had to be done.
It says her mom thinks he may be in the initial stages of dementia which seems like he hasn't even been tested or diagnosed with it yet. Seems unfair to come down on Reese for not having a full time caretaker for him in this situation when it all seems very new.
ReplyDeleteShe is actually suing both the husband and the second wife and I'm guessing her attorney advised her to go that route in order to protect the husbands assets in the event something should happen to him before the second marriage can be legally deemed void - otherwise the second wife could make a mess of probate.
ReplyDeleteShe is actually suing both the husband and the second wife and I'm guessing her attorney advised her to go that route in order to protect the husbands assets in the event something should happen to him before the second marriage can be legally deemed void - otherwise the second wife could make a mess of probate.
ReplyDeleteDoes Reese's dad have a child with this second "wife"? Is this the answer to the blind about an actress taking care of her dad's baby?
ReplyDelete70 is young for dementia. sounds like a sad situation all around.
ReplyDeleteWhat a horrible and sad situation. 10 to 1 the other woman realized he was Reese's father and has visions of Reese writing a big fat check to get her father out of this. No way should the family settle though.
ReplyDeleteThis story breaks my heart. My father is going to be 82 soon and he is in the beginning of dementia. He just recently decided to start driving again and my one brother supported him against the wishes of me, my other brother, and my father's lady friend. My father is stubborn, is resisting our efforts to move him out of his yucky dilapidated house, and foolishly bought himself an overpriced used car with cash two months ago. Please do not judge this until you are in it. You think the solutions are so easy, just do this or that, but they are not. It is so much harder than you could imagine if you have never been there, especially if your own father starts accusing you of hating him and wishing he was already dead. You just have no idea.
ReplyDeleteI've worked with people with dementia - I can't imagine how difficult it would be to have a loved one with this disorder. While I don't blame Reese's mom one bit, I hope that Reese can step in and help with her father's care. She can certainly afford it!
ReplyDeleteMy 86 year old mom lives with me. Normally she is OK. However, about1 month ago (around her wedding anniversary) she started "seeing" things that were not true...like our neighbor engaged in illegal activity. She was insistent and said I was against her when I tried to tell her otherwise. It got so bad I actually called the police to warn them in the event she got hold of the phone to call 911 on the imaginary crime. Things settled down and I think, at least home, this was brought on by some drepression around her anniversary since she has been widowed for over 30 yrs. But it was a terrible awful week.
ReplyDelete"hope" not "home"
ReplyDelete@FS, I know your pain. My dad came down with it suddenly. Just BAM, there it was. My mom tried to take care of him; she even took a leave of absence from work (there's a 14 year age difference between them). At first, my dad wouldn't leave the house but after a few months, he took off every chance he got, including one time when we had to call the police because we couldn't find him.
ReplyDeleteMy mom never plays the victim, she flat out stated she could no longer do it so we had to put my dad in long-term care. Severe depression had set in by that point but now he seems to be doing better. He thinks he's in a hospital and talks about going home, he's certain everyone is trying to steal his tv and he is proud of the fact he hasn't had a cigarette in three months (it's been almost a year). The beginning was hard, my brother was the one who got the angry phone calls from him demanding to be taken home and when my brother said no, was told he (my brother) was dead to him (my dad).
There have been other very bizarre behavioural things to come out, none of which I want to discuss here. But he still recognizes us and that's all that matters. I like visiting him in the morning better than the evening because the evening, he wants to go home, wants cigarettes, wants wine, etc.
There are many types of dementia. Alcoholics can develop it at an earlier age.
So all that to say, I can't judge and this whole thing is really heartbreaking.
yes, Reese has the money to take care of her father - she can put him in an assisted living facility or hire in home care, but only if he consents to it. So they go to court and get legal guardianship and power of attorney, then what. What if her father is physically able to stand there and say no no no, I'm not leaving my home. How do you get a man out of his house? How do you get in home care when he won't open the door, or when he calls the police and accuses the in home care of stealing from him less than ten minutes after they walk in the door and go straight to the kitchen to start cooking? All of these are very real scenarios for people in this situation.
ReplyDeleteThank you Anita. Peace. :)
ReplyDelete(If my posts seem a bit harsh today, I'm sorry. I just got chewed out and straight up insulted on another forum for saying Weight Watchers doesn't work for everyone and it's really eating away at me, in addition to this situation in my life with my father. So just ignore me please).
Dementia is awful - I don't blame Reese for not being involved yet. Sometimes it comes on fast and strong.
ReplyDeleteWhen they had to move my husband's Nana to a home so she could get proper care, she knew that her kids wouldn't come get her, so she called my husband crying to come get her and take her home (he was her favorite and had no qualms about telling everyone that). It was REALLY rough on him - especially when her siblings, who were also suffering from dementia, started calling us as well. Just a bad situation all around.
Dementia came on fast and strong with one set of my grandparents as well. However, for my grandpa, it was a pleasant experience as he believed his care home was a cruise ship and he was the captain. Whenever we visited, the ship must have been in port according to him :-P Only bad part was he started acting like he was on Mad Men as well :-P (Grandma was too out of it to know what was happening). I always said that if I get dementia, I hope I at least can have fun with it, like Grandpa did.
My husband died in 2009. He had Dementia and we called Hospice. He also had Bone Cancer and had fallen and broken his leg. He had a watcher while in the hospital as he insisted on getting out of bed. Every morning the hospital called me to tell him to take his medicine. He thought every one, but me was trying to kill him. We finally got him home and hospice came in every day. They were beyond great. Our daughter was pregnant and came home and told him that the Ultra Sound showed it was a girl and he died 2 hours later.
ReplyDelete@Meg, the cruise ship made me tear up a little, but in a happy way (you know what I mean).
ReplyDelete@old ;ady, Meg made me tear up, you made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI cry every day he was my love. At least I have the nights we held hands and watched movies. He had a horrible childhood. Grew up in foster care and was not adopted until he was 10 years old. His uncle had promised to adopt him, but then he went into the Army and was killed by the Japanese on the Bataan Death March. He did not deserve to suffer the last 10 years of his life. At least we were able to keep him at home.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely can't judge until you've walked a mile or two. Most of us, as family members, are trying like hell to do what's right.
ReplyDeleteMuch love to those of you who are dealing with or have dealt with the heartbreaking decline of a loved one.
See, this is why CDAN is so great :-).
Dementia can take many forms and it's not always easy for doctors to diagnose it correctly. This article in last Sunday's NYT is very illuminating on the subject: http://tinyurl.com/csgw7dq
ReplyDeleteIt can happen to people in their 50s, and it's not always Alzheimer's. Sounds as if Witherspoon's mother is doing all she can to untangle a very sad situation (made worse by the greed of an opportunistic other woman).
So sad. I hate people who take advantage of the elderly. Breaks my heart.
ReplyDeleteThese comments/commenters are why I keep coming to CDAN. Patty, Anita, Old Lady, FS I am so sorry for what you have had to deal with. I have always enjoyed the comment section the most. Learning little bits of everyone's lives, glimpses of your days and the inside, firsthand knowledge you share on the stories written. Long time reader(5 years), I rarely comment - but this was worth commenting on. Loving all the compassion and non judgement.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to everyone here who has dealt with or is dealing with a loved one with dementia. It is very hard to watch someone you love become someone do different, and every situation is unique. It can happen at a young age, at any time. Gradually or sudden. It can be serious (like Reese's dad) or mild (repeating questions just answered 5 mins ago).
ReplyDeleteI love the cruise ship story. With my mom, I learned that you can't reason with dementia patients. If someone believes it, they won't be convinced otherwise. I learned to go with the flow, and draw out my moms stories in a way that would get her the resolution I wanted. When mom said she had met Elvis that day, I asked her all about him. When mom said she was waiting for our cousin Barry (who doesn't rely exist), I told her I had called him and he would come get us in her room. When mom would swear that there were bugs all over, I would rub lotion on her to kill them. It was so much easier to handle it that way, and not try to argue it out. Mom passed 3 years ago, but in a way I treasure some of the crazy stories from those years. Mom wasn't herself, but you have to find happy things in the memories and hold onto those.
@Seachica, thanks for the tips. Anyone know how to deal with the constant paranoia about a tv being stolen?
ReplyDeleteMy dad managed to get out of the long-term care home one night. He was gone for seven hours on a rainy 5 degree night (low 40s in fahrenheit, I think). He was spotted at 2am by a bus driver (all public transportation had been notified) and when the police brought him back to the home, he told us all about his day at work and why he didn't have a coat, etc. You learn to play along :)
I don't have kids, have never wanted them, but my only regret for not having them is I'll have no one to take care of me when I'm old. Hence, all my nieces are getting cars at 16 (and/or tattoos, ponies, booze, a place to bang their boyfriends, whatever young girls like). One of them will have to love me enough.
Thanks for all the stories, everybody. My Grandmother died of Alzheimer's, and whether it's genetic or not this week, it's the one thing other than cancer (also all over my family) that I really, really worry about getting. She lost all ability to care for herself and had to live a very long time in a nursing home. A long time, every day not knowing where she was, who the nurses were, having delusions, eventually totally bedridden and vegetative. It's not an ideal way to go to say the least, it scares me a lot.
ReplyDeleteOh lawd Anita... I don't have kids either. My husband and I have joked with our 2 nieces (his side) and our 3 nephews (my side) that we are already trying to decide which one gets to be executor of our estate and also take care of us in our old age someday. We pretend we are making them compete with each other. (We love our nieces and nephews, they are all wonderful kids).
ReplyDeleteI also appreciate CDAN for the community, probably more so than the items posted here. Another reason I sometimes wish we were a forum instead of a blog, we could have off topic sections where we could talk about stuff and commiserate/support each other. :)
My husband's grandmother lived to be 102, the last two years with dementia. She was able to stay in her son's home with a dedicated caregiver. Sometimes it was very sad, for a solid week she was convinced everyone was trying to poison her food.
ReplyDeleteSometimes hilarious, I heard her tell her caregiver "There are 87 ways to make love to a man" then she started to tell her what they were!
Some days she knew me, others she didn't. I just became whomever she thought I was that day. I felt that to try and persuade her of my true identity would anger, or frustrate her. So, sometimes I was her little sister, sometimes a neighbor, and sometimes I got to be me.
I wish all of you dealing with this the strength and support you need to see you through. Big hugs!!
@FS..Clap clap clap..My mother in law was "suspected" to have dimentia but was just diagnosed after a slow decline these past 3 yrs (now around 77). 70 is not too young. They initially become very stubborn. My husband disabled her car to stop her from going to the store to buy wine. That only exacerbated the problem, believe me! Full time help? Pulleease! They believe they are still fully independent in spite of numerous falls, burns, cuts, and ordering of Cindy Crawford Eternal Beauty products that bill quarterly and get more expensive with every delivery. She tucked those away because she didn't want to admit she'd bought it and probably didn't even remember doing so. Her bank alerted her and my husband got the call. I made as many returns for refunds as was legally possible.
ReplyDeleteDiane won't admit when she's even hungry half the time and we're trying to get her to buy prepared food (microwaveable frozen dinners as much as we hate it) because she can no longer cook for herself without doing harm. We bring her prepared meals we've cooked but she thinks we're trying to steal money from her if we ask she contribute(we aren't wealthy but she has enough for her golden years, that's what it's there for).
When you take her to the store she just buys sweets and yogurt, 2-3 different kinds and nothing nurtitional. Again, stubborn cannot convince her otherwise.
Old;ady and Seachica my heart goes out to you both. We are just at the beginning. I am sure Diane will end up living with us.
@FS, I'd love a forum so much.
ReplyDeleteI used to work in a department store with a large senior clientele and it wasn't unusual for a family member to come in and return stuff.
My uncle unplugged my grandmother's oven so she can't cook. She keeps bitching about her damn oven. My mom took the dials off of her stove so my dad wouldn't burn the place down (he almost did many times when he had his faculties).
The man in the room across from my dad is so cute. He wears about 12 layers of clothes and will come back into my dad's room every five seconds to show you the thing he just showed you. One day he pointed out the lines on my face. Anyone else would have been punched.
And if you're ever feeling down, go visit a home when you're dressed a little better (like you just got off work or going out somewhere, etc) because they go nuts. When I show up after work, the old ladies come over and touch me and the old men tell me I'm beautiful. It's not coming out of Beckham's lips but I'll still take it.
@Sherry, I know this is personal but are you ok with his mom living with you? That will be a lot of work. Where I'm from, long-term respite homes' fees are set by the provincial government so the fees are the same from place to place. Also, you can apply for subsidies if it's too expensive. Retirement homes are completely different and not what your mother-in-law would need.
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't mind me saying all that, maybe you already know it. When my dad got ill, all of that was new to us.
Ladies (and gentlemen?) - sending warm thoughts your way. Never been one for the "I'll pray for you" bit, but I do hope the universe directs good vibes your way.
ReplyDeleteDealing with aging, mentally ill (one of our parents)or sick (another who's been hospitalized for five months without any hope) parents is excruciating. You can't really explain the frustration unless you've dealt with it. And it isn't just like handling a child. They're bigger, more stubborn, and very difficult to take control of legally. You can't pull the old "cause I'm you mom, that's why" shtick.
@anita - had to add, I love your dress-up story. I have had that experience also, and it happened at a time when I felt and (thought I) looked like hell. It really made my day to have an elevator full of seniors gushing about how fresh and young I looked :-).
ReplyDelete@old ;ady - My heart goes out to you. It was hard enough to see my grandparents go through it - I can only imagine what it's like to have the love of your life go through it. It's one of my biggest fears - you have amazing strength!
ReplyDelete@anita_mark - Can you bolt the TV (like they do in some hotels) down? My husband's grandmother had the paranoia of people stealing things too. Eventually we had to get her a lockable cabinet to put stuff in.
To this day, the cruise ship situation still makes me laugh. I have to admit, once we learned to stop fighting Grandpa on his "cruise ship" it was actually a lot of fun. My Dad (his SIL) had the most fun with it, "Where we off to today, Captain?", "Aye Aye, Captain!". The funny thing is, Grandpa never took a cruise in his life. We're convinced it was because the Love Boat was his favorite show and he'd been in the Navy and knew the terminology.
Grandma on the other hand just got really nasty (and sometimes violent), so I've seen both sides of it.
We deal with things with my father in law, and it's been rough (but was the worst a couple years back; we've stabilized a bit). In the worst of it, he alienated his son (my husband) and his daughter, because he wouldn't know we'd just visited and would call us all hours complaining that we didn't care and we'd abondoned him to die alone, and that I in particular was trying to drug him (his impression because I would always ask questions of the nurses when they came in, and he'd think I was controlling the meds instead of learning about them). Even through the worst of it, I was able to keep my husband involved in the process, but my sister in law's husband let her walk away from the situation ("You don't have to keep negative people in your life"), and now it's all on us. My philosophy has always been that the right thing to do is not always the easy or pleasant thing to do, but you do it because it's RIGHT. So we are in it for the long haul, as difficult a person as he is. He is unable to appreciate what we do for him, and can only complain about what we can't do, and rightfully accuses me of making him leave his home where he had wanted to die alone. These things are harder on my husband, because an "innocent" remark can carry a lot of weight from your parents, who know how to push your buttons (since they installed most of them!), and don't affect me as much--since I wasn't raised by him too I don't carry around the permanent sense of failing-to-meet-his-expectations like my husband does that his remarks cause to resurface (til I deal with my own parents).
ReplyDeleteLike others, I also worry that since we don't have kids and because we're poor, we're going to be in a world of hurt when this happens to us. My older nieces (500 miles away) are not the type to help and my younger ones are being raised 1200 miles away and we've had no bonding opportunities (I've seen them twice). I guess my cats are going to have to step up to the plate in a big way for us!
@WUWT, that sucks that his sister walked away. I hate that your in-laws couldn't see past themselves. Sorry if that's harsh but I hate that kind of behaviour. You guys did the right thing. Like FS said, I'm not one to say I'll pray for you because I don't do that but I like to think in some way, you get rewarded for doing the right thing.
ReplyDeleteI think we should start some charity type thing that will take care of the childless when we're too old to care for ourselves. Sadly, I can't see this taking off :o
Anita_mark, my friends and I have discussed pooling our resources when we are older, buying a big house, & hiring a nurse to look after all of us. There are a few of us without children. Mind you, everyone seems to think I will last the longest with all my faculties, so I am supposed to nursemaid everybody. We have decided there will be a sports room, movie/television room, library & one of our friends thinks she'll get dementia, but likes gardening, so we will chain her to something so she can't run away. There will also be bar fridges near all the reclining comfy chairs so food & drink are within easy reach.
ReplyDeleteGood luck to everyone dealing with this. I don't have kids, but I do have a gun. I would never burden anyone with taking care of me instead of living their lives. Time is the one thing you can never get back. There's lots of living to do out there. And until I need that gun I will stay as healthy as I possibly can, educate myself and refrain from letting US drug companies medicate me into problems I don't need. Again, good luck to all!
ReplyDeleteAnita: Yes, it's too bad she turned her back on things. Especially since he spent two years shuttled between three critical care facilities that ALL were on the same street she lives on, 8 blocks down, 12 blocks down and 3 miles down, and she could not be bothered. And we'd drive 25 mins daily to be there for him, which we don't resent...but it would have been easier to have a little help, a little break, a little comraderie, a little time in our life that was not wrapped up in his crisis. But she decided she doesn't need to keep negative people in her life, and he certainly fits the description...but still! Ack ,now I'm getting mad too. So moving on...
ReplyDeleteMy grandmother had Parkinson's dementia and she also felt people were stealing things or would steal things. My advice, is everytime he brings up the impending theft of his TV, just blandly say, "oh, they got that guy, he can't steal ANY MORE TVs!" and then change the subject, every time. Then if his TV ever is stolen, you'll have to make up a big "the guy escaped" story, but really, what are the odds? Good luck and best wishes your way (and to all others going through this).
Fuck I'm annoyed. "I don't want to keep negative people in my life." It's not a negative person, it's your fucking father. I hate selfishness like that.
ReplyDeleteI ask my dad if he'd like us to secure the tv but "they" have ways. Everything in his room has his name on it (a rule), plus all his clothes have to go through laundry so they can sew his name into his clothes. But still, we opened his closet and it is full of stuff, some is not his and other stuff has his name sewn into it but it's not his. That's why they do weekly checks, they have no idea when they are in each others' rooms and take stuff. It's kind of funny, actually.
I'd like to keep this thread alive but I understand if it dies. It's just really nice to talk to others going through it too.
My heart breaks hearing what you're all going through. You are all doing the best you can, and at the end of the day, that's all that matters. You should be very proud of yourselves. Both my parents are gone (not from dementia, fortunately), and as much I miss them (and boy, do I ever), I am very grateful that I will never again have to watch a parent fail. It just sucks everything out of you.
ReplyDeleteFeral - I love your plan - it's absolutely brilliant. I too, don't have children, and worry what the future holds.
Didn't realize so many people here were dealing with this problem. My heart and thoughts go out to you, too.
ReplyDeleteMy grandmother had a problem when she reached her 80s, but she was kind of amusing. We all just went along with her [after trying to explain to her initially (and logically)why she was mistaken].
She believed a family in her neighborhood was coming into her house at night through the floor in the butler's pantry and taking things. This 'occurred' even though she had a state of the art security system. She wasn't afraid of the 'intruders' -- Just a little irritated when 'they' took things she needed.
An example -- She found a yellow stain on a dress she wanted to wear. Well, the teenage daughter in the family had taken the dress the previous Friday, worn it to a football game, ate a hotdog and got some mustard on the dress. I was with her when she pulled the dress out of her closet, and she immediately came up with this explanation for the stain.
My grandmother had some very nice clothes, but she didn't have one piece of attire that a teenager would be seen wearing in public. I just said 'Uh, huh' and took the dress to the cleaners.
Besides always having an elaborate explanation for things that disappeared and [sometimes] reappeared, she had some of her own fantastical practices to foil the intruders. But 'they' always got around them. And because she wasn't afraid of 'them', we just accepted her stories and worked around any resulting problems.
Unfortunately my mother is now starting to have similar episodes, and where my grandmother was a loving, generous and kind person, my mother is the exact opposite so i fear the journey with her won't be so easy.
Peace and good wishes to you all.
I don't know if anyone will see this, but had to add that here where I live, a group of healthy 60-something's have created a community like some of you are hoping for - they have built houses together, with a common house that they all use to congregate. I'm going to trot off right now and see if I can find a link. It seems quite clever.
ReplyDeleteOk, it's at stillwatercohousing.com. You all should check it out. It's a fantastic idea for people who want to maintain true independence while having a strong community around them. I don't know what their provisions are for failing health, but this is an interesting starting point.
ReplyDelete@anita_mark: Sadly we don't have the same options here in the state as far care. And we would do what we have to do. I love my mother in law and she's family so you need to do what you have to do. C'est la vie.
ReplyDelete@Frufra, I'll def check out that site.
ReplyDelete@Sherry, I'm sorry those options don't exist. We wouldn't have been able to afford full price so were lucky to qualify for a subsidy.
So many of these stories sound so familiar, as my grandmother had dementia. :( It's a heartbreaking disease.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to need more information on this, b/c this story sounds really weird.