An Open Letter To Christina Aguilera

Dear Christina,

First of all I want you congratulate you on making the wise decision on becoming a judge on The Voice. I think you should stay there until you get some songs you think will be hits and then you can test them out on the world and if no one responds then at least you still have your day job. A very high paying day job too. That is always important especially when you are supporting yourself and your boyfriend. You should give him something to do just to make him feel useful. No, I'm not talking about him just carrying you around after you have had too much to drink. A real job that he can look back at the end of the day and be proud of what he did. How about your lipstick organizer. That has got to be a full-time job.

Anyway, that is not the reason, I'm writing to you today. Nope. I know that was valuable life changing advice I gave you in the last paragraph, but I have so much more to give. As Rowan Atkinson says in Love Actually, "this is so much more than a bag." Really, that makes that whole scene because it lessens the a-holiness of what Alan Rickman is doing. See, there I go again getting off track.

Christina, I want to tell you that I love curvy women. Love them love them love them. When they opened that chain of fitness centers called Curves, I thought it was a singles bar designed with me in mind. When I found out it was just for women I was devastated. Lucky for me, the parking lots are fair game. Plus it gives you an opportunity to try out your best lines on women who are exhausted from working out.

I know lately you have been trying really hard to lose weight and that is commendable. You might want to lay off the wine though and stick to vodka. No calories. I don't think though that you have a weight problem. You have what is known as a style problem. Lately you have been dressing better which has made you look better. When it comes to performing though, and especially on The Voice you seem to be reaching into your closet and pulling out things you wore ten years ago and somehow squeeze into them and it is just not an attractive look. It is ok to wear something more loose fitting and you would look so much better and sexier and not liable to pass out and I promise you will get ready in half the time because it must have taken forever to get in that thing.

Thanks for listening. Drinks are on me.