Another Date Letter
This one comes from Moby who is a long time reader. The difference in this one is that it comes from a woman instead of a man. The other difference is that this couple had never been on a date when this series of texts came in.
"I really don't understand you whatsoever I.e, how me working a lot constitutes me not making time? That really does not make any sense at all. Yes unfortunately I have to work for a living, as most ppl do, and until I finish grad school and have a normal 9-5 job, I will have late working hours at a restrsaurant. You asking that question makes me realize that you did not listen to anything...not one word... I said last night. So once again let me explain this to you. If you want to go out with someone you ask, "hey what days are you off this wk...(or even next wk).... Cause I'd like to take you out to do something". And then I say, "I'm off thurs and sun" (hypothetically). Then you would say, "ok then would you like to go to dinner and blah blah blah Thursday night at 7 pm"? That's how it works. When you ask me to do something with you the same day that you're wanting to do whatever, it's never going to happen for 2 reasons. 1. I work 5-6 days a wk so more often than not the response you're gonna get from me is, I'm working, because you always ask to do something only hours beforehand. 2. If you happen to ask me to do something one day for later that evening and I actually am not working then the response you're going to get is, I already have plans....because most ppl, myself included, who work a lot, make plans in advance to see ppl they want to see and do things they want to do because when you work a lot there's only a couple of specific days to do that stuff in. SO if you really are interested in taking me out somewhere or doing whatever you HAVE to ask and make plans before the day you're wanting to do it. I explained all of this to you last night so it's kinda obvious that you did not listen to a single thing I said. Besides the fact that you didn't listen, I honestly can't believe you'd ask me how I expect this relationship to work when I won't make time for it. Are you serious? Wtf? Here's a little hint: since you always ask me if I want to do something that same day, and because you don't EVER ask ahead of time or even consider making plans, or even maybe,just maybe, thinking to ask what days i have off work... it is NOT ME that is not making the time, it is you!!!! Sheesh. You've got to seriously be kidding me. Are you seriously that self absorbed that you say I'm the one not making time when you are the one who won't even make the time time to make plans!!!! Listen I'm really not trying to be a bitch, i'm just frustrated because we had this exact same conversation last night so its just very aggrivating to have to keep repeating myself. You admitted last night that you can be very selfish and self absorbed which are not traits that I would like to have with someone in a relationship. Now you've also made it very clear that you don't listen to things you don't want to hear. I'm sure you're a nice guy and can be fun and all that, but we've definitely gotten off on the wrong foot...and considering we've never even sat down to talk or hang out and already butt heads on these issues, I really think that we should just be friends and leave it at that. We obviously don't communicate well or understand each others way of thinking and that's not a promising start to anything. I'm sorry I just don't think we are a good match"
His response? "Too long!!!!"
Too long is right. However, that doesn't mean she isn't in the right...
ReplyDeleteOMG...I totally want to read his response. I don't care if it's long. Enty...can you please post it?
ReplyDeleteI actually don't think this girl is kooky. I actually agree with her completely. She could have made it a little shorter...but I liked it overall.
@crila
ReplyDeleteThe guys response *was* actually him responding "Too long".
Wow, she wrote all that in a text? That's anger! But I do agree and I can see her frustration. I'm sure the female posters here have been frustrating many times by their male partners' complete inability to remember anything they're told.
ReplyDeleteHaha, I wonder how many texts that amounted to...
ReplyDeleteAll I could think was she's right. And so is he. All she had to say was "I'm just not that into you" and leave the mental assesment to professionals.
ReplyDeleterun girl, go find a man who actually wants to take the time to talk to you and listen. there are plenty out there who will
ReplyDeleteYeah her response was a bit overwrought but if he keeps asking her out and getting an "I'm busy reply" but she really would like to go out with him then I can see her having to explain it.
ReplyDeleteOR, she could just say she's busy today, how about next week and ask HIM out for a time that does work? That would cut through all the bullshit.
A few years ago I had one night free per week - the same night, every week - when my son was gone. I dated a guy who would ask me to do something, I'd say no, I can only go out on Thursday... I'd try to make plans with him for that day, and most of the time he'd have something going on... he'd ask me again, I'd say NO, not unless it's Thursday! You might think that he didn't want to see me after stuff like that, right? That I wasn't getting the hint? Nope, he actually liked me. He just wasn't LISTENING. So frustrating.
ReplyDeleteI, too, wonder how many texts it took to get that through.
Hahahaha... best reply ever!!!
ReplyDeleteEven if she was in the right, all she had to do is ask him out for her day off next week and spare all the crap. Or rant to her BFF and then let it go. Not sure what could ever be accomplished through a text like this except convincing someone that you are too crazy to ever talk to again.
He wanted to call her at the last minute and have her fit herself into his plans. She has other obligations and cannot/does not want to do this. Not a match.
ReplyDeleteHe needs a girl without much going on who will jump when he calls.
She made some excellent points but she needed to state the obvious and then move on.
ReplyDeleteI agree if she was truly interested she could have said "Sorry can't see you on Friday, how about next week on Thursday?"
Would that have been so terrible?
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteugghh I HATE it when people try to make plans for the same day. With work and commute, I'm gone from 630am to 645pm, then have classes until 10pm on Monday and Wednesday nights, and go to gym from 1030-12 most nights...if I dont have plans, I'm doing all the stuff I couldnt get to on the weekend because I was studying/sleeping/etc.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, all this reminds me why I am so happily married.
ReplyDeleteThe girl? No one is ever "too busy" to date someone if they are interested in them. Back when I was in college (full load of credits), holding down two newspaper beats, and freelancing, I still had time for my girlfriend of the moment. If she wanted to go out that Thursday (when I was on deadline), I'd figure out a way to do something either the next night or late that evening.
Hell, when I was working a job that took me out of town for weeks at a time, I'd figure out a way to hook up with a girl I was interested in. Some people aren't that way. But from where I sit, if you like someone, you make time for them. Unless you have three kids, two jobs, and going to school all at the same time, no one is really that busy.
The reality is that she's not all that interested in him. She wants to go out to have fun, but he's not enough of a "match" for her to really find any time. She could have asked him out on a different day when she's not busy. But she didn't because she's not all that into him. The fact that he calls her up at the last minute, which is terribly rude, annoys her even more.
As for him? He needs to learn how to fish or cut bait. If she can never find time in her busy schedule to go out, then stop calling her. If she is really interested, she'll make the next move. And if she's not, she won't.
Also: Making plans to date someone that night is also rather rude. There is this thing called scheduling and he should learn to do that. If she's really interested, he could have scheduled a date a week ahead of time on the day she says she is open and call her bluff. Either she will commit or won't.
Again, this makes me so happy to be married.
Actually, she seems like a pretty levelheaded person to me. And the fact that the guy just thought it was "too long" kind of proves her point now, doesn't it? *L*
ReplyDeleteWhile it was WAY too wordy of a response, she's right. Men try to do this to me as well and it is INFINITELY frustrating. I work 50+ hour weeks, work out 2 nights a week, and make plans with people in advance because I know my spare time is precious. And even when I really like a guy, why am I going to sacrifice my sleep/work outs because he can't get it together to ask me out in advance? If he did, I'd happily sacrifice something, but I don't believe the "if you like someone you can make time for them" argument applies here. Stop being so lazy, Moby!!
ReplyDeleteGreat response! Whether she's right or wrong who would want to date an adult who can't make such a simple point (i.e. I don't think we're a good match) in less than one page? It irritates me to no end when people ramble and repeat themselves. Get to the point lady! yeesh.
ReplyDeleteIf a guy really liked you, he will make plans in advance with you. If he is calling to go out that day, you are just a convenience date. If he calls you after 10pm, you are a convenience fuck.
ReplyDeleteI agree with her. Assuming she has communicated her schedule to him, and he still texts her last minute, she is right to send this. She could have said it more succinctly, but it's clear that they aren't a match.
That's not even close to the cray cray in the emails from the investment bankers/managers, but it was a bit much. She may be right, but if she could've narrowed it down to about 2 sentences, that would've likely been sufficient - and without using the ammo he provided her.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like she has told him this many times before and is just frustrated and DONE. I'm on her side.
ReplyDeleteSo, is this website now just a repository for shitty date stories? BORING.
ReplyDeleteAlso, dude who submitted this? You're a jackass.
I think poor Moby just got the brunt of all her frustrations on him.
ReplyDeleteSome people are casual and just go where the day takes them. Some are super planners and the thought of seeing someone after work in their work clothes not looking their 110% best horrifies them.
But yeah, she is right and he is right on this one. Too long indeed. Save the drama for your mama.
Sevenmack, I disagree that she isn't that interested in him. I have had that same conversation several times with men - actually they were boys in mens bodies. I was interested in these guys but I worked weird shifts and they couldn't get it through their thick skulls that I needed to plan ahead to do anything. Years later I realize they were booty call dates or dates when their first or second pick turned them down. But at the time it was SO frustrating to have these nitwits continually ask me out when I wanted to go out with them but couldn't.
ReplyDeleteYou don't rearrange your schedule for some guy you've never dated that keeps asking you out last minute. You rearrange your schedule and make time for someone who has made the effort and is part of your life.
ReplyDeleteSomeone you've talked to on the phone with a few times and texted with doesn't count as "part of your life."
She was way too wordy and had some unnecessary jabs in there, but not crazy.
At different points in my life I've been both the person who feels restricted if anything at all has to be planned in advance, and the person who is so overwhelmed that there's no choice but to plan almost everything in advance if any of it is ever going to happen.
ReplyDeleteI'm with the woman on this one. I've gotten this treatment from men and it is beyond irritating because it's done in a way that lets you know they are intentionally ignoring what you say with the mind se3t that "If I keep repeating the same request or behavior eventually she'll give up and agree or let me get away with it"
ReplyDeleteSeriously, the guy is a jerk.
Having said that, she should have recognized that a while ago and cut ties rather than even suggesting they could still be friends.
It was long, but she's correct, and as a guy, I find nothing psychotic, bitchy, or any other negative terminology to put to this, unlike it's male counterparts we've been reading.
ReplyDeleteEverything she said was absolutely right, and I could definitely empathize with her frustrations. BUT! Going off on someone you've never actually had a date with just isn't worth her / anyone's precious time (INCLUDING OURS, Enty - wtf?). Better left with a "hey - my schedule is, unfortunately, so seriously hectic, I have to make plans in advance, otherwise they just don't happen, no matter how much I wish it weren't the case. Let me know if/when you can figure things out ahead of time, bc it'd be fun to meet up." Then, just stick to it - eh, I wish I'd known! I would have loved to! Let me know ahead of time, if you can, bc I'd like it to work out. If you are so frustrated, then just stop dealing - but, save the speech for someone who cares, not a stranger. BC, sadly, indeed, anything but simple is too long ... that's what kavetching to your girlfriends is for, sister...
ReplyDeleteOne time I even had a guy ask me "What's more important, your school or me?" After I told him we needed to take a week break so that I could study for finals.
ReplyDeleteI had to bite my lip to keep from laughing in his face. We had been on three dates at the time but that was the last one. I don't deal with that type of personality very well.
I totally get this text! Yeah, it's long, but it seethes with frustration. I've had jerks like that who just cannot value another person's time. He has probably been bothering her for a date, but always at bad times. I've had guys do that, and I just drop them. If he can't understand now, doubtful he will understand later.
ReplyDeleteokay..this time I side with the ranter. Mainly because I have been in this situation where the guy just DOESN'T listen.
ReplyDeleteShe really should have just said..."this isn't gonna work out...see ya!" but some women have a need to explain....which since the guy already proved that he doesn't listen...she should have realized he wouldn't be able to read anything lengthy either. Especially not when it scolds him. LOL
Sometimes people just need to realize that they don't have time or the emotional energy to handle all the other important stuff that's going on in their life like work and school as WELL as a "relationship."
ReplyDeleteBooty calls, if both parties understand that that is all they are, are fine, but anything more than that is just a path to mutual frustration and stupidity.
It would be fun to compare guy letters with female ones. That would be really interesting. I see more guy letters than girl ones for some reason. Do guys just delete them? I know lots of women who write novels to men, me being one of them.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's her point that's necessarily at issue; it's the presentation. That's what makes her a nutjob.
ReplyDeleteMoreover, she's completely oblivious to her rant. She ends her emotional diarrhea with, "I really think that we should just be friends and leave it at that." GOLD!
Out of curiosity, is the Moby who sent the letter the reasonably well-known musician, or someone who's just using that as a nom de net? And was this something this particular guy received, or is he passing it on from a friend? Just curious...And yes, while she goes on longer than she should have, I can understand why--it sounds as if she would have liked to date him initially, but after so many episodes of him not listening to her and trying to schedule dates that same day (not cool for anyone, BTW--once in a while, maybe, but all the time? Um, no), she finally realized he's an idiot, got pissed off at both him for being an idiot and herself for not realizing it for so long, and just let rip. The guy might be OK as a platonic acquaintance, but as for being a date, not so much.
ReplyDeleteI get why she's upset he didn't listen to her, but some of us are just not plan-ahead types. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with respect. I don't do well with people who schedule things either, so all of my friends are people who are cool with making or canceling plans at the last minute. No point in getting upset if someone's different from you - just explain you don't think it'll work out and move on.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine why he tuned her out. lol
ReplyDeleteYa .. gotta say I have to agree with the girl. If the object of your desire is working and can only do things on specific days with advance planning, take note if you want to date said worker. I think her repeating was just out of sheer frustration at the information from the night before not penetrating. I have been there myself. [I have a personal theory about the frequency of women's voices versus the optimal frequencies for men's hearing .. if anyone would like to hear it.]
ReplyDeleteHe sounds like a jerk and it is possibly because I completely sympathize with her, going to school full time and having a part-time job with awkward hours.
ReplyDeleteIt's probably too long, but I guess it's a bit different since it was over text message, instead of an e-mail where you can more easily see the entire thing and edit. Maybe she should have just said "I am good for this day next week, how's that for you?"
But the whole not listening thing is something I understand as I generally have to repeat myself to my dear boy a million times.
I sympathize with her, even if she did overtext. I have a busy schedule myself and also hear the whining about making time. Guys, if you don't want a gold digger, then don't give those of us who do work hard a hard time about it.
ReplyDeleteWell, I don't really see anything wrong with that. She does sound pretty envious of how he gets to live his life i.e. not having to work a shitty job and being able to roam around doing whatever he likes. It seems to have tainted her view of him. But I get the frustration if she really is getting stick from him after she has already explained all of this to him before. Sounds like he needs to stop trying to hang out with people that have actual schedules and friends other than him...
ReplyDeleteOh, wait. Is that too long?
this text came into me in about 10 parts (while i was with another woman btw) ... and Enty left off the funny key opening to this which was that i sent her an ironic sarcastic text that only said "you're obviously not putting much effort into this relationship" .. and WE HAD NO RELATIONSHIP ... just some texting after she gave me her phone #
ReplyDeleteI really was hoping this was going to ooze crazy like the other letters but it totally didn't!
ReplyDeleteWhile she could have stated her point in a much more concise way she really does have point, especially if they had the same conversation the day before.
all you man-hating hens who are saying this isn't over the top ... i had only texted this chick a few times basically asking her out at the last minute ... and i was poking at her being sarcastic ... then i texted "you're obviously not putting much effort into this relationship" and THAT obviously pushed some massive button in her which triggered a massive over-the-top 'CRAZY' response
ReplyDeleteand one more thing ... i think the big prob was a miscommun between us ... i met her and got her # when she was being a flirty waitress at a bar ... so i assumed she was a "bar kinda chick" (and/or slut) who would want to go out after work, like many ppl who work in bars/restaurants do ... meanwhile she obv isn't like that, so it was kind of a miscommunication
ReplyDeleteWay too long to say what she needed to say and why use the term relationship, when they've never been on ONE date?
ReplyDelete@slappywhyte - I was with you until that "so I assumed she was a'bar kinda chick' (and/or) slut" comment. Come on... now you sound like the guy from the second letter. :S
ReplyDeleteHoly shit Slappywhyte you need to sit down, you're not helping yourself with your responses. You don't have to be a man hater to recognize a clueless jackass when you read one. I bet this "flirty/bar chick/skut" girl must have twirled her hair too much, right? Pffffft! Bwaa ha ha ha!!!!
ReplyDeleteshe gave me her digits, right? ...
ReplyDeleteand if u don't think some ppl who work in restaurants/bars are party chicks/slags you are sadly mistaken ...
ReplyDeleteWell, ''hens,'' I guess those of us who took the texter's side have had our intuition validated, huh?
ReplyDeleteSlappy, let me guess: you've got a subscription to Maxim, a miniscule penis, and a Rogaine prescription, right?
1. long time expired yes
ReplyDelete2. no
3. have used yes
not bad, but wrong about the penii
caw caw u crows
Long but kind of right on. I have written some real wingdingers in my time..I mean wow, I would die if someone posted them.
ReplyDeleteUm...a girl giving you her number does not put her in the category of slut! What warped world do you live in slap?
ReplyDeletePlease someone tell me that is not the way the average male mind functions.
"She works in a bar and gave me her digits...her name must be Slutty McSluterson I will tap for sure."
There are sites for people looking for those type of hook ups. Try Ashley Madison rather than subjecting some unsuspecting woman to your illogical reasoning skills.
As a med student who routinely works > 90 hours a week and has had this same fight at least 200 times myself (with a well-meaning guy who still doesn't seem to grasp that I cannot control when/what hours I work for the time being), I have to take her side on this.
ReplyDeleteShe would seem level headed to me too if it weren't for the overlong and redundant response to a guy who didn't respect her boundaries, was presuming a relationship prior to the first date and was coming off like a potential love addict/stalker/predator/abuser and/or clingon. Who knows? When I see red flags that fast I choose not to engage.
ReplyDeleteAnd this, Moby, is why I deleted you from facebook. You're a jackass.
ReplyDelete