Another Date Letter

Long time reader East Village Gypsy e-mailed this letter to me that a guy sent to a friend of hers after a few dates. Is there a book of these letters because there really needs to be. You would be hard pressed to find a bigger tool than this guy. The one from earlier in the week was a tool, but seemed genuinely baffled. The guy in this one? Wow.


Hey, it's Fernando

I didn't email you this when we were on the topic because some other stuff was occupying my mind.


I apologize in advance if this is lengthy, but I feel like I owe you a good explanation. So from the last time we were on the phone, the issue seems to be that you want traditional dates. That much is clear - you said you want to "get to know" me, but then stated it wasn't enough to talk on the phone, get drinks/coffee, movies, etc.. you seemed to want dinners, i.e., traditional dates.

So here's the truth about me: I'm at a point in my life where I'm very cautious about whom I date - cautious in the economic sense. I told you I've been with 45-50 women.. almost half of these came from within NYC in the past 7 months. Those are just women I've had sex with.. that's excluding all the women I've been with in other ways... so when you do the math, I've been on dozens and dozens of dates during my short time here. I'm learning that when you're a man, dating in the city takes a lot of $$, especially if you want an abundant sexual life.

You're a smart woman - I'm sure you know by now that men go on "dates" NOT to get to know their woman, but because society dictates that certain platonic activities are required before getting to the sex. Unless you're naive, you know by now that 95% of men would prefer to skip the b.s. and go straight to the sex (the other 5% are probably gay). That's NOT to say they want JUST sex... but they are first and foremost drawn to a woman because of their sexual desire for her. They can definitely enjoy a woman's company, obviously, but sex will always be on the brain.

And women definitely enjoy sex too.. duh.. but they want sex under different circumstances. They require more comfort and trust.. and that amounts to dates. I could have a field day on the this rather fascinating topic, since I listen to various lectures and read articles on evolutionary psychology, and the differences between men and women in the dating arena.. but for now it should be sufficient to state that men are always ready for sex.. women not so much - and they prefer to draw out the courtship process as long as possible before they are comfortable relinquishing the sex to a new guy - for valid reasons - evolutionarily speaking, women invest much more and stand to lose much more in sex than men, i.e. 9 months of pregnancy.

So how does this all relate to you and me? For my part, after having gone on dates with dozens and dozens of women (on a good week I have as many as 4 dates.. but I've never gone on fewer than 1 date per week), I've decided that I must use my judgment and focus my $$ where I get the biggest bang for my buck. The most wonderful women in my life have been those with whom I've escalated sexually very quickly. The indian girl I dated in Boston for almost a year - we had sex on our first date.. and since we had gone past that barrier, I was very comfortable taking her out to dinner, movies, spending hundreds of dollars with her. One of the more recent women I've dated in Astoria.. we had sex on the second date.. and after that things were blissful - she'd come over on occasion and we'd have sex, but I'd also randomly feel like taking her out to dinner or drinks or movies with no agenda.. and we didn't have to have sex every time we hungout because I knew sex would be there in the future. Those are just two examples of what I truly want - a situation where the woman and I get what we both want: I was having sex with a woman I was attracted to and I enjoyed her company.. and she got what she wanted: sex, but also to be treated like a lady, e.g., enjoying her dates, being pampered, etc. That, in my humble opinion, is how men and women should treat each other.. both parties should get what they want and deserve.

Now, not all women are as sexually adventurous and open.. and MOST of my dates have been with women who try to make me their next boyfriend and want to take things ultra slowly... very frustrating.. I wish I knew what it was about me that brought out that quality so I could turn it off. Anyway, there have been those women who have rules about when they'll have sex.. one beautiful girl who liked exactly like Tina Fey told me she would make me wait for months, and even then it would not get sexual until we were in a committed relationship. Another gorgeous vietnamese girl said she had a 2 month rule.. telling me later that rule existed because she didn't want to get hurt. Other women are just damaged: one attractive caucasian yoga instructor just got out of a 2 year relationship.. and after two very expensive dates I brought her back to my place.. and she got freaked out and I never saw her again - someone who clearly wasn't ready to get sexual even after two long dates and a couple hours of phone time. These are just three examples.. there are many many more... but they all illustrate one important point: when a date or dates with a girl don't work out... she simply goes home and says to her friends "it didn't work out, oh well..".. and to her and her friends this is just an innocent occurence of life in NYC - two people who weren't compatible.

But, in light of what I just discussed above, when you're the man in this scenario, the loss is much more egregious - you sacrified your time, your money, AND you didn't get sex.. which to you, as the man, is the agenda when you're on a date. (women have NEVER paid for any first few dates until after I've had sex with them.. which is when they usually become more generous - for instance, this one young girl was abusive on the date and kept ordering expensive drinks, while I had cheap $5 dollar beers.. I put my foot down and decided to split the bill, and that itself was the deal breaker - she never wanted to see me again and told me that was the reason). So I date a lot, more than most guys I bet, but I'm unapologetic because at the end of the day, if things don't work out, I am the one who takes the hit to my wallet. Some of these women have cost me between $80-90 dollars with nothing to show for it except some kissing. The only reason I'm not bankrupt from this whole process is because I have a job that pays pretty decently.. and I can't stop because my horny nature drives me forward.

So when I said to you "I deserve to get what I want" and you pulled back.. you didn't allow me to explain - and the explanation is simple: With you, I'm on very dangerous ground. You raised not just a couple, but a few gargantuan red flags: 1. you said 6 months, and that you'd make me wait a "long time." 2. you stated you want "dinners" in particular - a huge problem for me because dinners are very pricey, and there's nothing romantic or sexual about the act of eating.

Cumulatively, this gives me huge reason to doubt that sex will ever happen with you. 6 months - and for sake of argument let's reduce it to 2 months - is a long time. Suppose we're dating for 2 months.. and in that time you want the whole 9 yards.. dinners, drinks, etc.. that's me spending a lot of $$, and even then sex is STILL not guaranteed. And what happens if it doesn't work out? For you, nothing - a slight disappointment that you can shrug off. For me: lots of money and frustration and, let's face it, going home for internet porn. Personally, I'd prefer to get the sex out of the way, and THEN get onto the expensive dates. That's what I've always done, and it's resulted in some of the best and most delightful relationships I've ever been in.

Now, to be fair, I DID tell you that I could wait.. but that's because we'd gotten drinks on one occasion, and had coffee on another, and we've chatted on the phone... all relatively inexpensive ways of getting to know a woman. So I may have been willing to wait a while since the "waiting" was not costing me financially. All that changes once you alter the deal to dinners and dates. If you were the only woman on my radar, then this would be easily manageable.. and perhaps even worth the financial risk. But you're not the only woman on the radar, as I continue to go on several dates that add to the money I spend on women per week. Now, I'd never rule out exclusivity with the right woman, but that's never going to be on the table until the sex has occurred.

I stand by what I said to you before: I don't want to be JUST physical with you. I did enjoy our conversations, and there are so many things I like about your quirky personality, and you get my sense of humor and I enjoy yours. But none of that matters in the end if I'm not getting what I truly want - sex with you in conjunction with your personality, charisma, charm, etc. And I think I deserve that - I'm a well educated man who's fun, intelligent, well spoken, financially stable, good looking, musically talented with the piano. great in bed (been told that several times, so I don't want to hear your sarcastic jokes ;) ), and knows how to show a woman a good time when we're out and about.

Sweetie.. you're a great woman. You really are. But we're in NYC - and there are so many single women out there.. they're literally everwhere... and I'm constantly meeting them on the street, on the subway, at the bar, at the club, in my own neighborhood, etc.. I currently have an inventory of 7 women who are interested in seeing me, and I sometimes can't fit them into my schedule, so naturally there's fallout.. and new ones come into my life to replenish the old ones who've flaked. I have to be logical, rational, and exhibit good judment: so many women out there who give me the entire package of what I want. So I hope you have some perspective and compassion when I'm not terribly enthusiastic about the prospect of going out with you on all those dates you require, especially where sex is unforeseeable. All this means nothing if sex was on the table with you.. at that point, I can truly and honestly say that I'd be down for any sort of date you'd like, and money would be no object, and I am confident I'd enjoy those dates just as much as you.

That's all I have to say, I'm sorry this was such a long email.

Sincerely,