For the past week, I have been reading about this guy who had his wife killed and himself shot just so he could be with his mistress. Oh, and he also swindled some old gay guy out of $2M, so he clearly was not a guy with a winning personality. The thing that bugs me about all of this other than the senseless death of a woman who leaves behind two children, but also the years of abuse she suffered at the hands of this a-hole simply because if she left him it would bring shame to her family. It was not love that brought the couple together it was their parents. To me this is never a good recipe. Oh sure, couples who go the traditional route also can end up dead and abused, but I bet there must be some study out there that shows that arranged marriages lead to much more, plus it leads to sexual abuse like in the Warren Jeffs case or people marrying off their 13 year old kids or younger to old men because the old men have money. I just think there is way too much on the negative to keep letting this kind of thing happen.
Ent. Really? REALLY?! This post is bunk and a little ignorant if you ask me.
ReplyDeletewow - talk about generalizations!! jeez Ent!
ReplyDeleteThis has been all over the New York papers..
ReplyDeleteAh....controversial post, Enty!
ReplyDeleteI used to feel the same way, but now knowing and having so many friends in arranged marriages (it still happens all the time here in Canada - my former boss and a girl I went to school with have arranged marriages), I can tell you they're perfectly happy. Well, I shouldn't say that. My former boss cheats on his wife openly and she can't really do anything about it, but my friend my age is quite happy.
This story is all over NJ and NY, and it's true. He made 2M on a $10purchase. Says he goes to Harvard, but they have no record of him attending. His lover shot his wife and there are text messages of them planning. The sister of the slain woman immediately said she would not be surprised if he did it - sure enough, she was correct.
ReplyDeletePS - that being said? No fucking way am I interested in an arranged marriage for myself, and I completely agree there have been many publicized instances of abuse in such marriages.
ReplyDeleteArranged Marriages are BAD NEWS! 100% of the time they victimize the woman because they trade her for a little money, and most of the time, they martyr the man who is inconvenienced by marrying a woman he is not attracted to. Every human being should be able to willingly CHOOSE who you get to have sex with for the rest of your life, along with having your children with.
ReplyDeleteCome on people.
THIS IS DISGUSTING!
@Jamie's Girl
ReplyDeleteWhere did you get this information?
There is a high rate of divorce amongst arranged marriages, and the men don't divorce because they can have their cake and play around, while the woman suffers. I've worked with way too many people, men and women, who have suffered in arranged marriages because they are strictly business. Who wants a marriage that is strictly business, but benefits our parents? It's one thing if we want the strictly business marriage, but our parents benefitting, and leaving the kids to suffer? Muy Terrible.
ReplyDeleteI think when you (as in vous) make statements about religions and cultures you don't live day-to-day you're (again, vous) really sticking your neck out there to be cut off.
ReplyDeleteSueEllen, jamie's girl is right, to a degree. I'm not sure about the high divorce rate, but I have known some people who were in arranged marriages. The only one who benefits is the man.
ReplyDeleteMore often than not, the women come here from India or Pakistan, having left everyone and everything they know behind. They are beholden to these men for absolutely everything, and often, have no one to turn to when things go south. It's shocking that these old rituals still take place in the 21st century.
Could we please make a differentiation between arranged marriages and forced marriages?
ReplyDeleteSome educated professionals - male and female - choose to let their parents find a mate for them, and in those cases, they are usually free to reject candidates with whom they feel no chemistry.
Forced marriages are when people - male and female - are told that they will have to marry a cousin or some other family member because the family's honor is at stake.
The marriage described in the article appears to be one of the latter. @Sue Ellen, I am pleased to stick my neck out and say that this is morally wrong, no matter what the culture.
Rocket Queen, I didn't know that Canadians had arrange marriages.
ReplyDeleteI Agree with you Jamie's girl. I don't agree with arranged marriages, especially when in the case where the girl is barely a teenager with an adult male. It's sickening. I know several people who had arranged/forced marriages by the parents. There was cheating and abuse in all 3 cases of the couples I knew.
ReplyDelete@Surfer
ReplyDeleteIt's not that I don't think there's a nugget of truth to what Jamie's Girl is saying and Ent is implying, I just think you have to be very careful when you make sweeping generalizations like that. You and I live in a very diverse city, so obviously we know people who are in arranged marriages, and some are probably not good, but some are probably wonderful (as far as we know) so to say that "100% of the time they victimize the woman" is going a bit far and is where people will stomp on your opinion.
I could go on about this, but this is getting too long.
I also think it's ironic that "tolerant" people who support gay marriage - ie the right of people to marry whomever they choose - suddenly turn to jelly when people from another culture do not have the right to marry whomever they choose.
ReplyDeleteIn Denmark, where I live, they have a special hotline for people being forced to marry someone they do not love - mostly immigrants from Asia and the Middle East. I read the other day that it's received calls from more than 800 people this year, largely women, but also a few men. I'm glad someone is willing to stick their neck out for them.
SueEllen - agreed.
ReplyDeleteOne other thing. I know lots of people who are Jewish who *have* to marry another Jew, and I know Catholics who *have* to marry other Catholics (etc), but I know others, who are supposed to follow this, don't. Just like some arranged marriages. And they don't get killed because of it.
ReplyDeleteLet's just all be cool and respect other people for their cultures and not become the moral police on people who don't share your morals because we (as in North Americans) don't like it when people do that to us.
Sue...I'm not a PC person either and I don't walk on eggshells to spare feeling. I will express how I feel whenever I feel it...Jamie, Enty and Surfer have a right to express their opinions esepcially on a blog where opinions are welcomed. I state what I feel when I feel it and have every right to express my opinion. They are neither right nor wrong, and people may feel that you are right or wrong. If I disagree or agree with something, it's my choice and because it's a free country, I am at liberty to say what I feel about a topic without having to bash another person's opinion. if you don't like it, ignore it or just don't read it, but you will never change their minds...they will never change yours. It doesn't make you better or worse, just different.
ReplyDeleteNo kidding crila16.
ReplyDeleteWe're having a discussion.
The problem isn't arranged marriages per se (many good, many bad) so much as it is an obvious case of a selfish, opportunistic asshole wreaking havoc in other people's lives, and in this particular case the arranged marriage is an element, not a cause. HE'S the problem here.
ReplyDelete^exactly
ReplyDelete@Robert. Completely agree.
ReplyDeleteNutty Flavor, I could not agree more -- and I'm going to proudly stick my neck out, as well.
ReplyDeleteI admire the fact that this planet contains so many different cultures, and I'll never tire of learning about cultures other than my own. I deeply respect multidiversity -- languages, art, holidays, cuisine, fashion (to a certain aspect...but that's a whole 'nother post entirely), etc. But when a particular aspect of a culture becomes more of a human rights issue than a simple display of traits and traditions, *that's* when I get sketched out.
Women are not property. We shouldn't "belong" to our fathers until the day we "belong" to our husbands. We are not freakin' items to be bartered, sold, or traded. There's something about arranged marriages that is uncomfortably Medieval to me, and it's mostly because it denies a woman to choose the mate with whom she's truly in love -- it assumes that she's not competent or aware enough to make such a monumental decision.
And the same goes for men. Prince William was allowed to marry a commoner he loves. Imagine if he had been forced to marry Viscountess Esmerelda Von Poodlebottom of Brookshire or whatever instead of Kate Middleton?
People of either gender shouldn't be seen as *property* in any circumstance. The End.
"100%", Jamie's Girl? You're off your fucking rocker. Please don't speak on behalf of people from other cultures or in happily arranged marriages. It's offensive.
ReplyDeleteSylvia - Each of the three couples I know in arranged marriages are of East Indian descent. There's a large population of them here in the Greater Vancouver region. However, I know in at least two of the three cases, the betrothed were allowed to meet their intended spouses ahead of time as they came from elsewhere (England and India) and gave their final approval to the choice.
Well said, Robert.
ReplyDeleteAnd I would seriously like to see evidence of Jamie's Girl supposed claim of the high divorce rate in arranged marriages. And which countries is she referring to, specifically?
The poster who pointed out the difference between arranged and forced marriages has an important point. When both parties have the right to reject candidates that their parents introduce to them, I have seen successful marriages. After spending 20 years as a single woman, frankly, I wish my parents *had* gotten more involved in finding potential mates. They knew what would be good for me better than I did! There's something to be said for marrying within your culture, as it creates a natural shared common ground.
ReplyDeleteHowever, when one party is forced into the marriage, that is when the power balance is unequal and you run into an abusive situation. The women in these marriages do not have a way to escape without shaming their families, and so the men can treat them as poorly as they wish with few consequences.
@RQ
ReplyDeleteIt was the 100% I objected to, too. Opinions are fine and dandy, but once you start talking percentages, you're talking facts and I would like see those statistics.
@Atlchica and Nutty,
ReplyDeleteI completely agree that we need to distinguish between these two. Arranged is not the same as forced. I also know people, well educated, intelligent and independent people, who see nothing wrong with their parents chosing a mate for them and trust them to make that decision.
That is, however, vastly different from being forced into a marriage like those women Nutty is talking about. In Sweden, too, there are way too many women who are sent back to their home countries against their will and forced to marry, otherwise they are no longer welcome back into the family. THAT is wrong, and should be illegal IMO.
Agreed, SEM.
ReplyDeleteI have friends that have happy & enduring arranged marriages. I also have had one friend that was disowned for divorcing her husband from a forced marriage. Not all situations are the same.
ReplyDeleteOne Pakistani friend explained to me, "you marry the person you love. We learn to love the person we marry." I think that some couples just expect love to endure & don't work at it, so this is a sentiment we could all aspire to for a successful marriage.
@CdanAbroad -- "I think that some couples just expect love to endure & don't work at it, so this is a sentiment we could all aspire to for a successful marriage."
ReplyDeleteThat's an excellent point.
I was friends with a woman of Greek background here in Australia. Her oldest sibling, a male, was forced into an arranged marriage. He had women paraded past him and then picked one. He didn't want to get married to any of them, but he felt he had no choice. My friend told me that back in Greece the culture is very progressive, but that a lot of the old ways came out to Australia with the Greeks. Her older brother had affairs, her other brother had affairs even though he picked who he wanted to marry, and she had an affair even though she picked who she wanted to marry. They did all have to marry a person of Greek heritage. I know that there are arranged marriages that do work out, but I have seen first hand how they backfire. I also agree that feeling you have to marry someone within a certain religious or cultural spectrum reduces your choices also. My husband's mother was horrified that I wasn't Catholic, but we have been together for over 12 years and are very happy. I am a hopeless romantic and would hope that one day everyone gets to marry who they love.
ReplyDeleteLinnea, I agree that being sent back to their home country against their will should be illegal, but personally if my family didn't want to welcome me back into the family based on who I did or didn't marry, then oh well! The hell with them!
ReplyDeleteAnd Robert, I couldn't have said that better myself. This guy is a nightmare and it was only a matter of time before he started to abuse the mistress if he wasn't already doing it. Arranged marriage, meeting at the community center dance, a street festival, online, whatever, this guy is a psychopath and dangerous as all hell.
I too agree that the problem isn't arranged marriages as the majority of the stories we hear like this don't involve them. In the US, when someone takes a wife to Mexico and kills her or kills his pregnant wife and their unborn child, arranged marriage has nothing to do with it. Domestic abuse is still a very big problem in the US, and for someone to try to paint arranged marriages with the broad brush of being the vast majority of the abuse cases is straight bullshit.
And it's cool when people marry within their own culture, but if they fall in love with someone of a different religion or culture, they should be allowed, I feel, to be with that person. Just because I'm Jewish or Muslim doesn't mean I'm religious or practicing so marrying a like person may not be a good match. However, if two people are interested enough in each other to want to be with one another, they respect cultural differences and celebrate them lovingly. We are all here to learn from each other, or so that's what I thought life was all about.
Ok, I'm shutting up now!
Greed knows no religion, culture, race or gender. Only the desire for money.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who is a result of an arranged marriage and of Indo-pak descent there is a freaking difference between arranged and forced. Please make that distinction in your argument otherwise you look like you don't know what you are talking about, which clearly, you do not.
ReplyDeleteI also stick my neck out and say I truly believe arranged marriages are wrong for both parties.
ReplyDeleteI do not care about culture or religion or money or honor or anything. that is all BS.
It's just wrong, wrong, wrong.
ANY GIRL OR WOMAN WHO DOESN'T HAVE THE CHOICE TO MAKE HER OWN DECISIONS ABOUT HER OWN LIFE IS BEING MISTREATED.
Just my opinion.
And families who "honor kill" can go fuck off.
OK--forced, arranged--whatever. Sorry, call me what you will.
ReplyDeleteI would kill MYSELF if anyone forced me to do anything like that...or if my/our parents (let's be real here...the FATHERS) "arranged" it for me/us.
I don't blame you for being pissed off, shehla.
ReplyDeleteAnd let us not forget it's not just the WOMEN that aren't getting to make the decision in the forced marriage, it's the MEN, too.
Big difference between forced and arranged marriages, and in my experience, arranged are a lot more common than forced these days, people. A brother of one of my friends (she married someone of Danish descent) actually ASKED his parents to arrange an Indian marriage for him after he didn't have any luck finding someone here in Canada. They're happy as clams last I heard!
We also have to take into consideration the differences in priorities; we live in a very ego-driven, self-fulfilling culture that aims at personal satisfaction as a primary reward, whereas other cultures place far more emphasis on the relationship of the individual to the family and society, duty as a route to personal fulfillment and the stamina to commit to a long-term relationship. That being said, the state of an arranged marriage must depend to a great extent on the people involved in it, just as the state of non-arranged marriages does.
ReplyDeleteEnty I think you should've followed this story a little closer.
ReplyDeleteThe ironic thing is we're all talking about arranged marriage and THIS WASN'T EVEN THE CASE FOR THESE TWO. They met years ago back in Brooklyn and "fell in love" at first sight. Or at least she did. He showered her with gifts and treated her very nice, but her family thought he was a bullshit artist.
He claimed at the time he met her he attended NYU, when the family asked to see his student id, he claimed he didn't have it on him. But of course the next day he emailed them something supposing the be the id, which they spotted to be a fake. Her family begged her not to marry him, but she said she was going to do it regardless of what they thought.
I can't believe people just assume that someone is from a certain culture and married off into a situation. SHE CHOSE HIM!
Bubbles- the girls I am talking about are usually very young and don't have anywhere else to turn.
ReplyDeleteSaying 100% of anything is ignorant as fuck. My best friend since I was 6 is Indian, so I know quite a bit about their culture. They respect and obey their elders, unlike us Americans who say "if I can't do what I want, well screw them!" If only it were that simple. If only everyone could think like us! I understand disagreeing with arranged marriage for yourself (I do for myself because I'm American and was not raised in a culture where that is the norm), but it is a lifestyle for certain cultures that they respect. And many people in arranged marriages are very happy. So basically you're shitting on a lot of people's way of life, which, you know, is typical of Americans...same old.
ReplyDeleteThank you bubbles. I thought I was in an alternate universe for a second, because everything I've read has stated quite clearly that SHE found him and "fell in love" and that after a swift background check, HER family repeatedly tried to talk her out of marrying him.
ReplyDeleteNot forced, not even arranged.
What the hell, Enty?
Thanks for the background, Bubbles. Ridiculous, Enty!
ReplyDeleteNot to mention Jamee this wasn't even an arranged marriage. Her family hated him. Why would Enty say their families brought them together when no such thing happened. They met by chance at a Pakistani Cultural Festival. Their parents had nothing to do with their meeting or marrying. This speaks volumes to just general American prejudices when people are of other cultures and assume something took place when it didn't.
ReplyDeleteGuys... arranged marriages have a FAR LOWER rate of divorce. 0-7% as per Wikipedia (and many other sources). Compare this to love marriages with something like a 50% rate of divorce. I thought this was something that was very well known.
ReplyDeleteLook, marriage is considered to be a partnership in many cultures, not a romantic connection. You just have to get along with your spouse, not feel fireworks. Western cultures believe that you should be in romantic love with your partner for your entire life, and so when/if this fades, the marriage ends. Not so in traditional arranged marriages.
Of course there is also the fact that divorce is often frowned upon (or taboo altogether) in many arranged marriage cultures. But certainly, the light in which these cultures view marriage is a big factor in the low divorce rate.
I can't freaking stand it when people shoot their mouths off without knowing the facts. So many Westerners have this viewpoint of an arranged marriage as a 14 year old girl being sold off to some middle aged lecher who's going to rape and beat her for the rest of her life. That's not reality!
If both parties go into an arranged marriage willingly, then what is your problem with it?? It's not your business, just like anything else consenting adults do is not your business or place to criticize!
and just to stick my neck out, I think people misunderstood what SEM was saying. :)
ReplyDeleteYes Ent, you didnt do your research on this one.
Well, the information we were supplied with in the original post is what sparked the discussion about arranged marriages, but was based on erroneous reporting. I started to research this story and found no mention of arranged marriage, but, as Bubbles points out, a family who were immediately suspicious of the boyfriend who became the husband who ultimately made their worst fears come true. The details in the NY papers are unsettling, as he and his girlfriend were pretty brazen about the whole thing. This doesn't invalidate people's opinions, but in this case they're not applicable.
ReplyDeleteAnd Jamee and Anna Geletka re-affirm what I said about the differences in cultural priorities and expectations better than I could.
Exactly, Bubbles. That was one quick jump to assumptions for Enty. So it looks like both are in traditional Indian attire, it MUST be an arranged marriage. WTF, Ent?
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU, Anna Geletka.
ReplyDeleteA lot of the stats on arranged marriages are highly suspect because of the lack of distinction between forced and willingness. Also we must consider how easy it is for the ladies to intiate divorce, as well as the education and literacy rates. Can a female divorcee support herself? I did read recently that in India the divorce rate among the 'arranged/forced' was nearing that of 'love' marriage but I have no to info to back that up. I do know that back in Indo-pak it's 'in' to have affairs with anything that walks, kids or not, but that seems to be the case elsewhere.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a crapshoot either way. You could be dating for 10 years and wake up next to an axe murderer or you barely know the guy and he's gay in the closet, using you to cover his facade. I've seen it all.
After reading all these posts, i think i will put my little two cents. In my culture, it is quite normal to either get your own partner or have your parents help you find someone - i am speaking about an arranged marriage here. After meeting the new person's parents, family etc. then only you decide if you want to go through with the marriage. Plus, you two spend a lot of time together, find out what each other's common interests are, etc. Its not like a forced marriage where you meet your partner on the wedding night itself. There is a big difference.
ReplyDeleteMany marriages are successful whereas some "normal" marriages end up in divorce. When I asked my aunts and uncles how they managed to keep their marriages working after many years of being married (after an arranged marriage) - they always say they really work at it. Its not the shame a divorce brings..
But of course, this depends again on the culture of the person involved. Many conservative homes such as many Muslim families tend to have very strict ideas about divorce and breaking up the family home etc. But it is important not to generalize this as this article Enty posted clearly says, there are exceptions to every rule. For every psychopath husband (this can even be in the case of a normal marriage), there are many many good arranged marriages that work. So Enty and the others here, don't generalize. :)
Wow .. what a PC cluster**** this post has become, huh.
ReplyDeleteAs for arranged marriages - arranged brides folks, not forced/kidnapped brides - and how wonderful they are .. google "Burned Bride Arranged Marriage" .. should be eye opening to say the least.
In this day and age, and I will generalize the hell out of this, arranged marriages should be a thing of the past. Culture be damned. It is just one more way women all over the world are kept down and it needs to stop. Ya .. I went there.
It is so incredibly symbolic of the struggle women across the world are still facing to become equal and escape being under the thumb of men. For me, it is a short step from burning brides in India to women being raped and brutalized in places like Congo .. and I cannot understand why anyone would not see that this treatment of women as chattel needs to stop. Perhaps that makes me barbaric and intolerant of certain cultures. So be it. Self determination and freedom of thought in all manners is more important to me than worrying about someone's male dominated culture being upset.
As for this story .. I am very sad that New Jersey no longer has the death penalty. These two scumbags certainly deserve it.
I can see both points being delineated here- that of respect for various cultures ideology system as well as the concern for the treatment of women who are indeed being treated as chattel.
ReplyDeleteI am opposed to arranged marriages (not including forced marriages, as that goes without saying) because of many of the reasons several bloggers listed above. I think that my knee jerk reaction whilst reading all of your posts initially was to go to the 'PC' side, as blogger Wil put it, but then I remembered something.
Women almost everywhere, yes even in Western worlds, are still subject to sexual harassment, rape, lower pay, outdated rigid gender roles,etc. I guess where I am going with this is, like a few already mentioned before, if a woman wanted out of an arranged marriage, she often has already been extradited from her place of origin and also may rely on the husband to the point where she may not be able to live on her own without help (initially). I think that women in every civilization already have some marginalization we have been subjected to and thus even in perfectly civil arranged marriages, the man will always have the higher hand inasmuch as he will have the ability to survive with or without his wife while she may not do the same.
When it comes right down to it, men benefit more then in this scenario than women, and as that becomes a human issue, whats more a female issue, I do think its my right as a female to voice my opinion in turning my nose up at a culture's ideology on social relations.
So all of you hopeless romantics, if love is all that matters, why do you heap scorn on women "suspected" of buying their own engagement rings?
ReplyDeleteFWIW, I also read online (can't recall the site) that it was an arranged marriage.
ReplyDeleteLeaving my opinion about arranged marriage out of it, but wouldn't it be fair to say that if you have grown up in a culture where arranged marriages are the norm, that you probably don't find it such a shocking thing? If that's what you have grown up with, perhaps you think going out and finding your own partner seems a little odd? Just saying.
ReplyDeleteHaha Maia, I find it just as shocking as anyone that thinks killing people is inhumane.
ReplyDeleteAnd people don't live secluded in the Amazon rainforest, they know what love is & see people running off to be with one another. You should watch an Indian movie, or maybe just look out a window on occasion.
It's funny that being respectful towards a culture that most of us have no idea about is too "PC", yet I watched some of you lambast Tracy Morgan for making derogatory comments towards gays. Weird how that works, huh?
ReplyDeleteI guess you really can't argue with ignorant and stupid.
shehla--I wouldn't say this if you weren't so "or maybe justlook out a window" self-righteous to maja. buuut you went there, so I'm telling you now that you sound like an ignorant idiot. think outside of your little world for one second and consider that maybe, just MAYBE, people don't see "running off to be with one another" is what they want. i know it sounds ludicrous, but trust me, people do think differently than YOU. shocking, i know.
ReplyDeleteYes, I went there. I feel as though folks should be experts on this after reading all of the different views expressed in the comments.
ReplyDeleteAfter sitting on this I want to yet -- yeah I'm sorry for being rude. It's not the way to educate people and have it stuck. So, Maja -- sorry.
ReplyDeleteAlso I just want people to know that most civilized countries list murdering someone as illegal. Most folks are good people, I believe, so killing anyone in response to most anything is shocking, unless it's like self defense. In places where killing isn't against the law - people there are refered to as savages. I'm just tired tired tired of the Muslim-brownpeople-savage meme that's trending in the world.
@shehla
ReplyDeleteI am also sick of it. I know lots of Muslims and they're all pretty normal. We talk about our religious and cultural differences and walk away from our conversations more knowledgable about one and other, which makes us closer as human beings. In fact, one of my co-workers invited me to the Mosque and the feast to mark the end of Ramadan. I'm excited.
And-just for fun- did you know that extremist Muslims are more likely to kill another Muslim for not being as extreme as them, rather than a non-Muslim?
ReplyDeleteAnd did you know that Jihad is not what the media has portrayed it to be? It's really an internal struggle for individuals?
True stories.
*the more you know*
Shockingly, I agree with Tatyana. People on this board seem to just openly accept marriages between gorgeous young golddiggers and old, decrepit rich guys, what are those if not arranged marriages? Come on. People get married for all sorts of reasons, not just the reasons that matter to you and I.
ReplyDeleteI hear you, shehla. And sorry if I sounded like a jerk. I totally think so many practices around the world are completely "backwards" to me because I grew up differently than them. And OF COURSE there are instances where arranged marriage doesn't work out, but just what RocketQueen said, they have different reasons to get married than we do, reasons that I (or we) will never understand. Do you know how backwards they think it is that people in western cultures (probably myself included) would stop speaking to their family if they weren't able to run off and marry who they wish? The idea of not respecting your family ABOVE ALL ELSE is bonkers to them. And here we think that their way of arranged marriage is bonkers. Does that make us right and them wrong? That's a question they probably ask themselves, too. There's two sides of the coin is all I'm saying.
ReplyDeleteBlogger J Lotti said...
ReplyDeleteI hear you, shehla. And sorry if I sounded like a jerk. I totally think so many practices around the world are completely "backwards" to me because I grew up differently than them. And OF COURSE there are instances where arranged marriage doesn't work out, but just what RocketQueen said, they have different reasons to get married than we do, reasons that I (or we) will never understand. Do you know how backwards they think it is that people in western cultures (probably myself included) would stop speaking to their family if they weren't able to run off and marry who they wish? The idea of not respecting your family ABOVE ALL ELSE is bonkers to them. And here we think that their way of arranged marriage is bonkers. Does that make us right and them wrong? That's a question they probably ask themselves, too. There's two sides of the coin is all I'm saying.
Could be much tamer that you "family ABOVE ALL ELSE" (TM) scenario ;) Take Japan. Shy/reserved people who missed the boat in their uni days and don't get out much to find a suitable partner for life often let their parents/relatives/friends know they are looking. If they like the looks of the guy/girl and their background, a formal meeting is arranged. Both parties are free to pull out at any moment BTW.