Over the past 24 hours the e-mail below has been circulating the internet and people are calling the sender, the worst prospective mother-in-law ever. Am I the only one who does not think it is that bad? It is harsh, but to me it reads straight from Emily Post. Should the mother-in-law be warm and lovey and keep everything in until after the wedding? The soon to be married couple is above, and the e-mail is below.
from: Carolyn Bourne
to: heidi withers
subject: your lack of manners
Here are a few examples of your lack of manners:
When you are a guest in another's house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat - unless you are positively allergic to something.
You do not remark that you do not have enough food.
You do not start before everyone else.
You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host.
When a guest in another's house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early - you fall in line with house norms.
You should never ever insult the family you are about to join at any time and most definitely not in public. I gather you passed this off as a joke but the reaction in the pub was one of shock, not laughter.
You regularly draw attention to yourself. Perhaps you should ask yourself why. No one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour.
I understand your parents are unable to contribute very much towards the cost of your wedding. (There is nothing wrong with that except that convention is such that one might presume they would have saved over the years for their daughters' marriages.)
If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes.
One could be accused of thinking that Heidi Withers must be patting herself on the back for having caught a most eligible young man. I pity Freddie.
Actually, it sounds like the future bride is be-yotch. If half of that is accurate, run Freddie run.
ReplyDeleteGotta say, totally inappropriate of the future MIL to say this, but at the same time... she does make some valid points IF (BIG IF) they are true and not blown totally out of proportion.
ReplyDeleteWell at least they all know the score.....
ReplyDeleteHowever if the bride and her family could not afford a big wedding....
Why not elope, or have a small reception, no shame in that.
It's clear her soon to be mother-in-law does not like the bride, that's strike one.
I don't envy them, this will not be easy.
Say it now, get it over with, and now shut-up and learn to live with an obnoxious in-law. Hell, we've all got at least one (or are THE one).
ReplyDeleteI see nothing wrong with any of that. It is better to make expectations clear than to languish in them as they are unfulfilled. But then again, I'm from Texas and I already have manners. I pity anyone guilty of what these suggest. Heidi wouldn't last 2 seconds in the south.
ReplyDeleteIt depends how close the future d-i-l is to the groom's family. If they don't know each other well then this list would absolutely apply.
ReplyDeleteIf she has been a part of this guy's life for awhile, then this list seems a little rigid.
I am going to take a leap here and guess that the e-mail wasn't sent out of the blue, but in possible response to something. It reads like there has been more exchange here. As to the part about the parents paying (that made me wince) however, one would think that if she were paying for her own wedding,than all bets are off. If she is looking for her future in-laws to pay and she wants to be in a castle for it, than i can kinda understand the annoyance. Especially if she is insulting her in-laws in public. The other stuff is basic manners and I am mystified that a grown woman needs to be reminded of them.
ReplyDeleteWhat Misch said. I hate when people have big, tacky weddings that they can't afford. A cousin of mine did that; she and her husband racked up over $50k worth of debt on their big gaudy affair.
ReplyDeleteTheir divorce two years later didn't even cost a fourth what the wedding did.
Well...as a vegetarian, I disagree with the notion that you should be expected to eat *whatever* meal a person sets in front of you. That's a bunch of horseshit.
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't know of ANYONE right now who has a Wedding Fund set aside for their daughters. Um, I would say that saving pennies for college is just a WEE bit more important.
Other than that, though? All valid points. And you know what? At least Mommy Dearest isn't some passive aggressive wench. She's addressing these issues before the wedding, rather than letting them fester and piss her off even more.
The fiancee is a twat for circulating this e-mail, and I'll bet it bites her in the ass. I'd bet 433545 dollars that the dude she's marrying is a Mama's Boy. If so, insulting/disrepecting this lady is a reeeeeally bad idea. You do NOT mess with a man's mother and expect him to take your side, sorry.
I think the mother-in-law should bitch about her future DIL to her friends but keep her mouth shut. Don't pay for the marriage or offer an amount to pay for the wedding. I think her lack of manners in sending this email are worse than Heidi's.
ReplyDeleteHmm... this sort of gave me the impression the bride to be is an a$$ and is being called on it. Hard to say since I'm not there, no matter Freddie is gonna have his hands full one way or the other.
ReplyDeleteSounds like both sides have some issues.
ReplyDeleteI see some of the MIL's point of iew, but also the DIL's.
I hope this is a part of a string of emails. If not, it is just as rude as the behavior she's accusing her future dil of. The overall tone is unbelievably obnoxious. That being said, if the accusations are true the dil sounds like a piece of work. Either way I feel bad for the groom. Between the mom and bride, heaven help him. And if the bride and groom are paying for it themselves, what the hell business is it of hers if it's in a castle or in a tent?!
ReplyDeleteMeh.
ReplyDeleteI give the marriage a year at best before he runs off with his best man.
He's pinging my gaydar in a major way.
Only Heidi could have made sure these emails went viral -- internationally -- to ... destroy her groom's relationship with his family. She's going for a scorched earth here, and Freddie should be extremely wary. Just saying
ReplyDeleteThere is a more polite and constructive way to tell somebody she's a rude pig. Sounds like they're both huge bitches and Freddie's a little pussy that can't cut the apron strings. He should just admit his love for the Peruvian gardener and run off to San Francisco with him.
ReplyDeleteIt reads like a response to a last straw incident that happened in the pub.
ReplyDeleteBetter to address the crass behavior and let her know the expectations as well as teach the daughter-in-law some basic manners rather than snipe behind her back in the years to come.
This is a STEPMOTHER, not the Groom's Mother from what I have read on another site. She does have some valid points, but come on, this could have been said to the groom to gently express to the bride versus this. And the bride did not put this out there, her shocked friends did that she discussed how to respond to it did. I would tell the MNL from Hell to kiss my ass and you are not invited to the wedding. But, I am a to the point Texas woman. The groom's dad should understand why. You don't get to act like a complete prissy I a better than you bitch and pretend everything is fine. Bullshit.
ReplyDeleteIf the MIL needs to address something, she needs to address it in person not through email. She notes there's nothing wrong with her parents not having an elaborate budget but in the same breathe slams them for not havong saved for it over the years, I think that remark is uncalled for for and should not have been mentioned. Good luck to future MIL if she plans on having a close relationship with future grandchildren....Yikes.
ReplyDelete@Merlin -- he certainly does kinda have a Dean Sheremet kinda thing going on...
ReplyDeleteThe MIL is just as rude as the bride. There are a lot of things I don't eat and I won't eat meat just to please my host.
ReplyDeleteNot a day passes that I do not rejoice in the fact that I am no longer married. I cannot think about my former monster-in-law without dry heaving. Aaand here it comes...
ReplyDelete*dry heave*
Yeah I don't know. the MIL may have some valid points. But this email is rude as hell and some of it just ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteThe castle thing for the wedding - who's paying? Apprently not the bride's parents and that's fine. Agree with the poster who said college funds are a WEE bit more important than wedding funds. AND - it's 2011 people - brides don't come with dowry's and the brides parents are NOT required/expected to pay for the entire thing!
MIL sounds like a bitch, DIL sounds no better - like others I predict a lavish wedding followed quickly by a divorce.
MIL is so uptight about etiquette, but sent this e-mail three times in the same day to the bride, rather than send a letter on good notepaper to her home. Sending an e-mail is just begging for it to go viral, suggesting MIL is an attention hound to begin with. The bride is diabetic, hence the tiredness and "picky" eating, but it does sound like she got nervous and talks too much. ITA there's a back story here; can't wait to hear it. Annnny minute now....
ReplyDeleteI have a hunch no one will be good enough for her darling boy even if these expectations were met, she'll probably find something else wrong.
ReplyDeleteI happen to agree with the mother-in-law. I think the act of telling someone they are rude is rude. (Ugg grammer) That is a little awkward BUT I am certain that the future daughter-in-law was nudged in the right direction.
ReplyDeleteHere's the why: she is going to be part of the family. That family has expectations. The M-I-L has set them from the very get go. It sounds as thought she was being disrespectful, hell circulating that openly is awful.
I might have more sympathy for the DIL IF she hadn't sent this out to people so that eventually the world could comment on it.
ReplyDeleteIs the MIL over top about a couple of things? Yeah, but sharing the email does kinda lend credence to the MIL's complaints...
I don't think we are getting the full story here. One thing left out in the excerpts above is that the dil is diabetic. So maybe the mil was serving things that a diabetic can't eat and there was nothing else. The mil also reprimanded her for talking about her diabetes, but what if the dil brought it up because she couldn't it what was being served?
ReplyDeleteAnother thing the mil rants about is how the dil couldn't complete a long trek because she didn't feel well and so she returned to the house. Um, why plan am excursion like that if you know the dil has an illness?
As for the castle thing, it that is true, shame on the dil.
Actually, the full email is here:
ReplyDeletehttp://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/UK-News/Mother-In-Law-Email-Carolyn-Bournes-Stern-Etiquette-Message-To-Heidi-Withers-Goes-Viral/Article/201106416021513?f=rss
I'm posting it below also.
It is high time someone explained to you about good manners. Yours are obvious by their absence and I feel sorry for you.
Unfortunately for Freddie, he has fallen in love with you and Freddie being Freddie, I gather it is not easy to reason with him or yet encourage him to consider how he might be able to help you.
It may just be possible to get through to you though. I do hope so.
Your behaviour on your visit to Devon during April was staggering in its uncouthness and lack of grace.
Unfortunately, this was not the first example of bad manners I have experienced from you.
If you want to be accepted by the wider Bourne family I suggest you take some guidance from experts with utmost haste.
There are plenty of finishing schools around. You would be an ideal candidate for the Ladette to Lady television series.
Please, for your own good, for Freddie's sake and for your future involvement with the Bourne family, do something as soon as possible.
Here are a few examples of your lack of manners:
When you are a guest in another's house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat - unless you are positively allergic to something.
You do not remark that you do not have enough food.
You do not start before everyone else.
You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host.
When a guest in another's house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early - you fall in line with house norms.
You should never ever insult the family you are about to join at any time and most definitely not in public. I gather you passed this off as a joke but the reaction in the pub was one of shock, not laughter.
I have no idea whether you wrote to thank [your future sister-in-law] for the weekend but you should have hand-written a card to her.
You should have hand-written a card to me. You have never written to thank me when you have stayed at Houndspool.
[Your future sister-in-law] has quite the most exquisite manners of anyone I have ever come across. You would do well to follow her example.
You regularly draw attention to yourself. Perhaps you should ask yourself why.
It is tragic that you have diabetes. However, you aren't the only young person in the world who is a diabetic.
I know quite a few young people who have this condition, one of whom is getting married in June. I have never heard her discuss her condition.
She quietly gets on with it. She doesn't like being diabetic. Who would? You do not need to regale everyone with the details of your condition or use it as an excuse to draw attention to yourself. It is vulgar.
As a diabetic of long standing you must be acutely aware of the need to prepare yourself for extraordinary eventualities, the walk to Mothecombe beach being an example.
You are experienced enough to have prepared yourself appropriately.
No-one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour.
I understand your parents are unable to contribute very much towards the cost of your wedding. (There is nothing wrong with that except that convention is such that one might presume they would have saved over the years for their daughters' marriages.)
If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes.
One could be accused of thinking that Heidi Withers must be patting herself on the back for having caught a most eligible young man. I pity Freddie.
And the dil didn't send it out except to a few friends for advice. I would do the same. It's the friend(s) who distributed it, which is wrong.
ReplyDeleteI think d o l to be sounds way rude
ReplyDeleteI kind of would like to get invited to the wedding and see what happens. You know its going to be a fantastic party!
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting the entire email, msgirl. It was pretty bad before, but the remarks about Heidi's diabetes pretty much tipped the scale of awfulness here.
ReplyDeleteAnd am I the only one who has relatives who would or have done this kind of crap themselves?
The father of the DIL, perhaps I should call him the DIL-Dad, has just announced his contempt for the MIL of the Future (the MIL-F?), and it's not pretty:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2009881/Carolyn-Bourne-email-Fury-bride-Heidi-Witherss-father.html
I should confess that I'm absolutely in love with Mrs Bourne and I am smitten with her directness and harshness. Sure, she was a little over-the-top, but she was angry.
This is what happens with PWT tries to marry UP, lol. Stay in your station darling or learn better social graces if you are going to marry old money, lol.
ReplyDeleteThey say that women marry men like their fathers and sons marry their mothers. This is a prime example.
ReplyDeleteThank god I'm never getting married, then. My father was a horrible, horrible person and I am so glad he's dead.
ReplyDeleteThe MIL is a bitch and it's good to see the class system is alive and well in merry ol England.
I'm with Mrs. Bourne. I suspect that Bridey was raised by wolves and very ill-mannered. The fact that someone has to point out these rather basic social graces to Bridey says a lot. In fairness, it also depends on the delivery. Was this privately delivered and the bride-to-be made it public? If so, screw you Bridey, you are guilty of rude self-serving behavior and fully earned this tongue-lashing. Run, Freddie, run. (But consider the possibility that Freddie is a bit of a brat and may be getting back at his mom by marrying bratty bridey.)
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting the whole thing. It was still harsh but again, it comes across as if she (DIL) had hit one too many hot buttons.
ReplyDeleteI like it!
ReplyDeleteLife's too short for bullshit and tolerating assholes.
You know what? I bet Freddie fell inlove with her BECAUSE she's not his mom, she's probably. Ore down to earth andeasy going,it must be refreshing for him.
ReplyDeleteSounds to me like Stepmom is not too fond of Freddie in a way. I'm sure nothing he has done has been good enough since Stepmom married in to the family. Freddie might want to run from both of them.
ReplyDeleteMother in Law has a point or two, but this should have been a conversation, not an email. It doesn't come off as genuinely helpful in any way, it comes off as hateful and condescending, and that is not how you bring someone into the family no matter how uncouth they are in your eyes.
Ah more: Freddie Bourne is getting married to Miss Withers in an £18,000 ceremony in the great hall of Berkeley Castle in Gloucestershire in October.
ReplyDeleteFreddie Bourne is getting married to Miss Withers in an £18,000 ceremony in the great hall of Berkeley Castle in Gloucestershire in October.
Mrs Bourne told Miss Withers that her decision to get married in a castle smacks of ‘brash, celebrity style behaviour’.
A source close to the couple said: ‘It’s not going to be a Jordan wedding with all that kind of pumpkin carriages and tack.
‘It’s not like they’re taking over the entire castle in some vulgar show of excess. There’s a great hall that’s available and that’s where they’re having it.
For Mrs. Bourne to comment on what she perceives as Heidi's poor manners is in the absolute WORST category of gaucheness and poor taste. Anyone with breeding knows that to call someone out on their less than exquisite manners is the height of rudeness, and by doing so, this ditchpig with rather amusing pretensions has showed herself to be nothing more than a tacky cunt.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the full email! I'm with Mrs. Bourne, she makes some valid points, the friends who distributed the email are just as bad as Bridey (and who knows maybe she urged them to release the email). It just sounds like things have been happening for a while and the MIL decided to "talk" to her about it and lets face it, it is easier to do in an email than a face to face confrontation which I think this would have turned into and maybe even an ugly one. It just sounds like MIL decided to take it upon herself to teach her some manners is all, and it sounds like Bridey and her dad do not give a sh*t which is too bad because it sounds like they could benefit from some manners.
ReplyDeleteYeah, the MIL to be is AWFUL. I can't believe that someone would send out a letter like that lecturing about manners. MIL needs to take a long hard look in the mirror.
ReplyDeletePffft, people talk about Freddie running? Run Bride, Run! You will NEVER be considered good enough for the family, especially if you will be compared to "exquisite sister-in-law" at all times.
Wow, WBotW, said it WAY better than I could have! Exactly what I was trying to say!
ReplyDelete2 private emails sent out to the world this week. I'm going back to old fashioned phone calls. Yikes.
ReplyDeletethe problem is that the MIL thinks its her place to say these things. who else in the world would you EVER presume to say these things to? you don't tell a house guest how to behave. they are your "guests", so you make them feel at home. and you dont tell a bride what kind of wedding to have. i could go on and on. if i were the bride i would be telling the groom that we are moving FAR away and eloping (or run).
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad others here agree with what I thought of. Sounds like this self-entitled young woman thought she was getting a free ride by marrying "up." Well, missy, if you expect that grand wedding and your future in-laws to pay for all of it, then don't go around bad-mouthing them in public (wait till after the wedding, there will be plenty of time for that). I bet the writer of this email bit her tongue for a LONG time before the last straw. I'm sure they're making sure their son draws up a prenup or, if he doesn't, cut him out of their wills!
ReplyDeleteExactly FS. She's just trying to knock the bride down a few pegs.
ReplyDeleteIf the MIL knows people who have diabetes and yet they never discuss it, how does she know anything about it?
Also, I guess I'm rude but my ex-MIL would never expect me to wait to be asked for another serving at a meal if I wanted more food. I had an awesome MIL though and we got along great.
PS: I should note that my First Ex-Fiance came from Old Southern Money. Those folks are NOT normal. I was not interested in him for his money and I didn't seek any of theirs. But I found that by being myself and giving genuine compliments when warranted made them want to shower me with gifts. The problem is, as quickly as they let you know that you are "written into the will" because you did something genuinely nice, they let you know you're "written out" if you piss them off, even unintentionally! Yah, I was gonna get a midnight blue convertible Jaguar for my wedding present. Some say I should have hung in there just to get that. But I was a runaway bride long before that because I couldn't take their two-faced ways! Never regretted it :-)
ReplyDeleteSorry -- the only way this went viral is that the DIL sent it out. To friends, to the world, I don't care -- the fact that it went international to destroy the MIL and/or Freddie's relationship with his family DOES INDEED SUGGEST THE MIL MIGHT HAVE A F*CKING POINT ABOUT HEIDI.
ReplyDeleteFreddie obviously wants to get married in the castle as well. It is his day also. I hate etiquette bullshit. It strikes me that men are never expected to write these bloody notes or adhere to strict rules, which most people don't do these days. If you ever come to my house, just say thank you as you are leaving & give me a hug. A warm friendship is priceless to me, screw feeling obliged to be anything other than yourself, & screw being made to feel bad because you are female, loud, have an opinion & don't kiss your future MIL's arse!
ReplyDeleteFreddie obviously wants to get married in the castle as well. It is his day also. I hate etiquette bullshit. It strikes me that men are never expected to write these bloody notes or adhere to strict rules, which most people don't do these days. If you ever come to my house, just say thank you as you are leaving & give me a hug. A warm friendship is priceless to me, screw feeling obliged to be anything other than yourself, & screw being made to feel bad because you are female, loud, have an opinion & don't kiss your future MIL's arse!
ReplyDeleteI'm with the mil all the way.
ReplyDelete<3 MacVixen
ReplyDelete@ Amy She forwarded the email to her father and a couple friends. She also asked her father whether or not he thought she should respond. It was decided that she should take the high road and just ignore it. I don't blame her for going 'WHOOOAAAA' and forwarding to her friends. I likely would have done the same. The friends sending it on is what made the thing viral.
For all of you siding with the MIL: I wish you much joy of your in-laws, future and otherwise. The MIL could have handled this with class and dignity; an email, letter, etc. is in poor taste and does nothing to resolve the situation that was so obviously eating at the old bat.
Oh, and the hag is Freddie's stepmother, not his mother. I am willing to bet that SHE 'married up' and now thinks that Freddie's fiancee is doing the same.
Team Bourne, no question.
ReplyDeleteI sure hope the bridezilla to be looks long and hard at her next step because it sucks when you don't get along with your in-laws.
I'm torn on this. It could be completely true, or it could be as simple as the MIL never liked her and is exaggerating to make a point.
ReplyDeleteI've been on the other side. I have two SILs from hell. One called the hotel where my bridal shower was held and said it was the worst one she was ever at. (The call was "anonymous", but everyone knew who made it.)
I knew I was in for a rough ride with these bitches, and things got so bad that I haven't spoken to one in nearly a decade.
This won't end well. The MIL's always going to have something to say. If they last a year, I'd be shocked.
I pity the fool who wrote that email. As someone with a rude house guest currently in their home, I completely understand and agree with much of what the MIL wrote, however, her incessant need to be ultra polite and perfect is sickening.
ReplyDeleteI want a t-shirt proclaiming:
ReplyDeleteI PITY FREDDIE
I think this shows a real lack of class on the stepmother's part. If you have an issue with someone, take them aside and speak to them privately. NEVER put anything in writing, you don't want others to see. Her tone is so patronizing and holier-than-thou. To berate someone like this just shows who really has the lack of class.
ReplyDeleteAnd who the hell is she to criticize the dil's parents for not having "saved" for the wedding? Maybe the parents didn't have the resources to begin with, or possibly they had financial reversals. You never know what someone's situation is unless they choose to share it. That's a major faux-pas from this "classy" woman to even verbalize it.
As to her diabetes, this is something that is beyond her control, and it's just possible that she may not yet have it under her control (lack of energy, dietary restrictions).
The dil may not be a prize, but it's Freddie's choice to marry her. She should keep her mouth shut. Talk about burning bridges and poisoning the well.
The MiL considers a Diabetic not eating what is put in front of her 'bad manners' She 'gathers' that the DiL said something inappropriate she evidently didn't hear it herself I bet 'sleeping in late' is 8 AM
ReplyDeleteThe MiL also lambasts a lack of a handwritten notecard but sends an email that is so harsh, rude and tacky that no wonder it went viral
A lot of what was in that email has been left out in this post. http://abcnews.go.com/Health/british-mother-carolyn-bourne-slammed-nasty-email-future/story?id=13975860&page=3
ReplyDeleteThe fact that Heidi has diabetes and the future-MiL rants about her eating habits, makes me side with Heidi.
Also, I think it's a case of cultures clashing as well.
run Freddie, run.
ReplyDeleteyour life as the rope in this tug of war between these two women is going to be a living hell.
As someone who has received a similar email from (at the time)a future step DIL I would recommend that no one put in writing what they are thinking, particularly when angry. If you have something you would like to tell me, tell me to my face and let me be able to defend myself. In my case the writer bcc additional family members.
ReplyDeleteThey are probably both a little right and a little wrong.
The, let's be correct, STEP-MIL had her first child out of wedlock and is on her third marriage. Apparently her etiquette book arrived a bit too late when she herself was a young bride. The Daily Mail has most lately released comments from the young man's actual mother, who seems to like his choice of bride just fine. Public opinion in Britain suggests that the STEP-MIL comes off as a less enjoyable, real life incarnation of Hyacinth Bucket. Egad!
ReplyDeleteEven if the DIL was exhibiting some poor behavior, the StepMIL could have chosen a better, more constructive way to deal with the situation.
ReplyDeleteWhy go out of your way to be insulting and hurtful? Seriously, life is too short for that. I know I sound all "peace and love", but what do you gain from being mean to someone?
If feel badly if for the DIL if her "bad" behavior was based on ignorance; the son should have given the DIL some tips on how to deal with stepmommy dearest.
I partially blame the son for this.
I am allergic to chicken, turkey and salmon. I hate telling hosts I am not going to eat their cooked meal. Usually it makes them try to find other meal for me, which they do not always have. But I have no choice other than actually eat it and let my face be covered with red stains within 5 minutes.
ReplyDeleteBitching about other person's diabetes is disgusting. DIL probably felt like she was surounded by family and wanted to share her health issues, which was interpreted like attention-seeking behaviour.
As the 2nd wife of a man who had mid-20's daughters both wanting to get married wiithin about two years of each other--one of whom was happy as shit to get ANY wedding paid for by her Dad, and the other who expected the whole castle and three three times the amount of money, etc. laid out just because she (queen of the fucking world) wanted it--I say major, major KUDOS to Mrs. Bourne.
ReplyDeleteAnd BTW--who the fuck lives in a place called Houndspool? Ick, Nast.
I think after reading this, that the bride and in-laws are perfect for one another, both awful.
ReplyDeleteGood the future mother in law.
ReplyDeleteSome need to wake the f*** up. My sister died of diabetes. Unless you have it or are a caregiver, you have no f'n clue how insane it is to manage that - and food is a HUGE problem.
ReplyDeleteI have a rare disorder which makes me not "truly" allergic yet I go into shock with all kinds of healthy foods. There's fuck all I can eat mostly.
So for the commenters, and the world, educate yourselves. This MIL is a bitch, selfish, and extremely cruel. This is the absolute lowest thing I've ever read in print.
DIL - take your groom, get married, then cut his family off. Or else don't marry. But you deserve much better than this.
It sounds like it could be ripped from a storyline for The Worst Week of My Life. The mother in law must have been very frustrated with the daughter in law to send such a pointed email. The only two things I disagree with are the MIL's disdain for the girl's publicity of her diabetes and her comment that she pities her son. The rest are pointed, but probably deserved. I think it's outrageous for someone who can't contribute £18,000 for a wedding to expect an £18,000 wedding. Small ceremonies -- even eloping -- can be just as memorable.
ReplyDeleteIt is very hard to understand social rules from people with a different background, but the DIL would do well to at least learn some of their customs. Even if she can't live up to all of her MILs expectations, it can make those holiday visits a little bit more pleasant.
I wonder if the stepmom's parents saved enough for three weddings? Not sure what the "etiquette" is on that.
ReplyDeleteI think the bride needs to polish up on her manners but a lot of this is just petty shit. Would you ever go to the trouble to take someone to task for starting before you at a meal? Or if they slept in late?
The more times I read this the more annoyed I get. They're both wrong but this letter is the ultimate example of rudeness and I can't stand when someone tries to prove how much better they are than you. What did she think this would accomplish? It certainly wasn't going to help their relationship and if she cared about her stepson she wouldn't have started a war which automatically puts him in the middle.
I'd call off the wedding. No man alive is worth that for a mother in law.
ReplyDeleteI cannot believe that any future MIL would write such a horrid letter to her son's future wife. As a new MIL myself, I have gone out of my way to be kind to my new DIL. She will be the mother of my grandchildren. I will see her at Thanksgiving and Christmas for the rest of my life. Why alienate her?
ReplyDeleteTo choose to be so rude and harsh in an email to a future DIL, the MIL must just not give a flying f**k about her husband or her son. What were the DIL's sins? She insisted one eating things that would not actually cause her bodily harm. She slept late. She talked about herself and asked for seconds. She stated that she was hungry. It sounds as if she believes in taking care of herself. What in the world is wrong with that? And the MIL doesn't want to pay for a fancy wedding---did the future DIL hold a gun to her head and MAKE her pay for a castle? Or --mroe likely--did the father of the groom say that he would pay for it and now the MIL is misplacing her resentment of her husband and projecting it onto her future DIL?
This woman is rude and selfish and stupid. She can expect to spend every holiday in the future alone, rightfully so.
And, to be honest, I can't imagine how anyone reading this letter could think she has a right to treat someone that way. I don't care if the bride is Bridezilla--two wrongs don't make a right, and a polite, caring future MIL would find a graceful, compassionate way to TEACH her future DIL to be more polite, rather than simply trying to shame and humiliate her. Ick.
If all the stuff the MIL wrote is true, it sounds like the prospective DIL is still in her 20's - these are all things the average young adult does. However, it sounds like the MIL is an uptight prig, and that's not something you grow out of easily.
ReplyDeleteIt all depends on how you read it, and if she's a gracious person or a nasty authoritarian in 3D. The way I read it, she sounds pretty controlling.
I disagree that you are required to eat what people put in front of you. I am a vegetarian and I don't eat a high fat diet.
It's absolutely inappropriate to mention money and what her parents may or may not have saved. I think it's safe to say she's a Monster-in-Law and hopefully nothing rubbed off on the son.
Very well said, Gladys. She could have handled this so differently, and I'm sure she's mightily embarrassed, as she should be.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I can't help but wonder what Freddie's father must be feeling now about his wife. Certainly, he can't be very happy, especially so because of all the publicity this has garnered.
I think of the old expression, 'you catch a lot more flies with honey, than you do with vinegar.'
Well .. in so much as manners are concerned .. I gotta say I have got to agree with much of what was said in here. People's manners are for shit these days.
ReplyDeleteMy very proper Social Register Southern Great-Grandmother literally broke my knuckle over how I held my knife and fork. [It was a piece of heavy sterling silver .. so it was really not intentional.] But she was right and she raised a lady. [Tragically, I never get to use my excessively good manners and now she has seen to it I get really irked by people I see have been raised in a barn! : / ]
As for the diabetes deal, I have as severe restrictions on my diet due to both my kidney transplant and also a metabolic disorder regarding how my body processes protein. Therefore, I make my hosts aware of my dietary needs and also take it upon myself to bring my own food when the expectation of having my needs fulfilled is too much. This limits the monetary expenditures of my hosts and makes sure what is bought is correct and I do not get into dangerous situations. I never assume someone should take on my disease bullshit simply because I will be attending a function, vacation or what ever. However, as a child of two diabetics, I make sure my home is outfitted fully with carbs, proteins, fats and sugars to keep them stable and not put them into a dangerous situation. It is a fine line we tread as chronically ill people and people who host chronically ill people. You need to make concessions [bring your own food, don't assume your hosts should kiss your dietary needs butt] and concessions must be made [as much as you can, have appropriate fare to at least keep the person from dying on you! For example, in situations where you might have diabetics - simply having Orange Juice available can save the day!].
As for Mrs. Bourne personally, well we would get along on a manners front .. but I would likely irk her by telling her she is an effete cow. It is not her place as "Freddie's" Step-Mother to say a thing. He - and who he marries - is of none of her concern.
Looks like I am in the minority who thinks the MIL is a total bitch. This could have been communicated in a more gentler way, if she had any intention of welcoming Heidi into the family. This obviously is meant to piss Heidi off and hopefully call off the wedding. She could have talked to Freddy to prep Heidi for what type of "etiquette" is expected when staying at the house.
ReplyDeleteShe expects refined behavior and yet this email is crass.
She may have not liked the food and used diabetes as an excuse. She may also have stayed in bed longer and avoided the hike to avoid the unbearable MIL. I know I would!
I agree with Ida. I have a passive-aggressive mother-in-law (now know where my hubby's problems came from) and it sucks! I would much rather have known about her attitude in advance via an e-mail, so I would have been prepared.
ReplyDeleteMarriage is a crap shoot with in-laws. Sometimes you get good ones and sometimes you don't.
mikey said: "....I would recommend that no one put in writing what they are thinking, particularly when angry."
ReplyDeleteA-MEN! Had something similar happen in my family.
The mother in law has SOME valid points (the girl does sound a kinda tacky) but she would have been better served having this conversation in person, NOT through an email. Now the mother is a laughing stock and I have little faith that time is going to heal these wounds. Sounds like there was already a lot of deep resentment on both sides anyway. I wish them LUCK.
@Barton Fink - THANK YOU for posting that link. Hilarious. I had to laugh about the talk of her five horses and how the DIL even upset poor little Bomber! ;)
Still with the mil. I've been married for 23 years and have a difficult mother in law; however, it seems to me the younger generation frequently has no manners. Honestly the woman is doing the child (and she sounds like one) a favor.
ReplyDeleteI am team Heidi. My British mother said it is rude to tell someone else they are rude.
ReplyDeleteMy ex- MIL, because I stood up to her abusive and tyrannical tirades at her son, at me, at anyone nearby (seriously, the woman has mental issues) she "got back" at me thusly: AFTER I had left her son for drunkenly assaulting me (I had him arrested), I left the marriage, the marital apartment and the ex and I were as civil and amicable as could be under the circumstances. But there was NO hostility with us. However, ex- MIL took it upon herself to ENTER to our apartment (my ex's uncle was our landlord) under some pretense while my ex and I were both away, pay some random dudes $450 to completely empty my (and her son's ) ENTIRE apartment and take it to the dump.
ReplyDeleteFurniture (all mine), clothing, irreplaceable photos (and negatives), books, shoes, dishes, TV's, DVD players, DVDs, CD's, appliances, and my ENTIRE 25+ art career (paintings, drawings, photography, and sculptures), other artists' work bought as an investment, and much more that were there. She did not stop there. She took our 2 cats and had them put down. She had my car towed and removed as being "abandoned"- I never got it back. I felt like I lost everything in a fire- I was DEVASTATED...my pets, my art. gifts from my dead best friend- ALL gone. She DESTROYED my LIFE. My ex just kind of shrugged it off as he was used to the crazy...I found I could only get $2K if I faced her in court, and I did not trust myself not to kick her old, malicious ass...my innocent cats...I cry every day. I found I can live without material possessions and my already damaged trust is shattered forever. I wish her a painful and horrible death, because she did what she did merely out of spite- because unlike her other 2 daughter in laws, I did not lie down and allow her to run MY marriage. I *was* respectful in her home, courteous, adored my nieces, friendly with the rest of the family...none of it mattered. She felt crossed, so she erased my marriage's existence.
I have never met another person as truly evil and spiteful as she. Moral of the story, don't marry anyone in Dedham, MA. You may inherit the MIL from Hell!
Kathleen, I'm totally stunned by your tale of the havoc wreaked in your life by this harridan. Karma IS a bitch, and it WILL come back to her in full measure, depend on that. I thought the experiences I'd had with ex-girlfriends and roommates were bad, but they pale in comparison with yours. My sympathies.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I agree with every word of the email, I think writing and sending it completely defeats its own purpose. This could have been handled in a much classier way. Family or not, if you don't like a person, you CAN choose to just stay away from them. When you see them do rude things (and trust me, I know all about uncouth behaviour from in-laws), you can choose to let it go, for the sake of the person you married and DO love. No need to make things uncomfortable.
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ReplyDeletei think it may have been better manners on the future MIL's part to have this chat with her face to face.
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ReplyDeleteAfter FIVE years of homelessness in Boston, that's just a rude letter in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteThat this woman is considered a "worst MIL" is an insult to these who have lost *everything*. This letter involved no destruction of valuable property and no loss of life. This is a piece of paper concerning ONE person's opinions. It can be torn up, ignored, etc.
Whatever that couple does with that is their business.
Being HAPPY regardless of what comes their way as a couple is this woman's worst nightmare, obviously. So give it to her.
But "Worst MIL"? Hardly. I was homeless for five years. I live in poverty, my career sidelined by depression.
I was married in a $12 torn up thrift-store dress in a kitchen as it rained. No cake, no flowers, no decor. We were poor and I married him anyway, because we loved each other. And she HATED that her baby boy loved me.
Some women just HATE to see their sons (stepsons) love another woman, and some go literally insane with it. Some will use "manners" as an excuse to be rude, others will find something else.
Mine chose total and complete destruction because she made a friend of me first and knew my weak spots. That and she was/is insane.
I would have MUCH preferred a bitchy letter.
I'm with Amy, mikey and Lelaina!
ReplyDeleteWhile I also agree with EVERY WORD (vegetarianism should be understood, however, heh), there is a famous Chinese proverb: In the midst of great joy, do not promise anyone anything. In the midst of great angeer, do not write a letter. -Chinese proverb
Step-mother/MIL would have been wise to consider that, and perhaps bring it up in another way. She's right, though.
Gonna have to disagree with the consensus here!
ReplyDeleteThe daughter in law sounds like she is young and wanted to feel "familiar" with the future in-laws, so she acted like she was comfortable with them (sleeping in, eating til she was full). The mother in law, on the other hand, is more ill-mannered than anything she wrote in that letter! The only way such a horrible e-mail could possibly be explained is if the jokey insult at the pub cut deep.
Also, I'd prefer to be an annoying and clueless person than a deliberately vicious person any day of the week! I'm kind of shocked by the overwhelming support for the mother-in-law.
ReplyDelete@Kathleen Suileabháin - Your story just made me gasp (esp. on the cats part). HOLY HELL. I don't wish death on anyone either but your MIL is making me strongly change my mind. You should write a book and get your revenge on her by publically outing her as the devil. I am so sorry you had to go through all that. That might be one of the worst things I've ever read on here. :( So sorry.
ReplyDeleteWow.. ok.. c u next tuesday..
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