Tuesday, June 28, 2011

One Night With Quentin Tarantino


Want to know hat a night with Quentin is like? Here is one woman's story. Long, but so worth it. Thanks Allie.


Friendsicles,

You are either getting this e-mail because I've promised I would tell you this story and haven't yet, you're besties with someone I used to hook up with, or because my need for attention and adulation has reached such an all time high that I decided to pick 15 of you at random to listen to this story (most likely explanation), but all the same, below is the (in)famous but true story of how I met Quentin Tarantino...Adam and Ethan, I'll be expecting your short film script of this in my inbox in the next couple of weeks...

Wednesday, June 1st, 2011:

Get a BBM at 8 in the morning from my friend Nicki telling me we're going to a party in "the Hills" that night because the Yankees were in town. But this party now presents a conundrum as a) I didn't know people partied on Wednesdays because I'm uncool and b) I had just run out of clean underwear and hadn't shaved my legs in three days, so I wasn't really in a "party" sort of place. (what's that you say? You're surprised I'm single?) However, after being told to grow a pair, I decided to join the girls after work for this fiesta.

Party time rolls around that evening and despite being a Wednesday, and based on how many trashy girls in short dresses there are, it looks like the inside of any club in Las Vegas has vomited inside this music producer's home. Minus all the hordes of Asians you get in real Las Vegas. I spend my first hour at this party irritated at having to even be there, and then telling the Yankees picture Joba Chamberlain how he'll never be as great as my beloved Brian Wilson. I think he may have called me a lesbian as I was walking away, but I guess you can't blame him since I did choose to wear pants. Anyways, I digress.

Heading back inside, bored out of mind, I look over and notice Jamie Foxx and Quentin Tarantino have joined the melee. Joy. Two more people at this party who could not give a shit about who I am. I go back to texting in the corner while stuffing my face with a hot dog. About an hour later I'm making a drink and realize the pasty tall fellow pouring orange juice into my glass is the man himself, QT. Realizing I kind of have to go for at it this point, in all my nerd glory blurt out: "I'm sure everyone tells you this but I fucking loved Reservoir Dogs. I watched it when I was 11 for my school newspaper, and it's badass." He starts laughing, thanks me, pleasantries are exchanged about how I was clearly a fucked up 11 year old for watching Reservoir Dogs, and we start what appears it might be a delightful little chat about film. Until this happens:

Quentin: Wow so you really loved Reservoir Dogs, huh? Which of my other films do you like?
(this blatant arrogance is the type of douchebaggery that really gets my gourd about Hollywood, so now my film boner has turned to film hate fuck, and I feel the need to cheekily undermine Quentin.)
Me: Oh wow. You know, I really didn't like Kill Bill...
Quentin: What? What do you mean? 1 or 2?
Me: Ehh, a little bit of both. I just didn't care for them.
Quentin: Wow...I don't think anyone has said that to my face about my seminal films.
Me: Perhaps it's because you call them your seminal films. Shouldn't you wait for someone else to say that?
Quentin: You know, you've got a mouth on you. I like that.

At this point, QT puts an arm around me and I'm acutely aware that Quentin Tarantino has an arm around me. As are my four friends, who are all looking at me as if I have grown a second head. To be fair, I am easily the most uncool out of all my friends (I go to Q's in Brentwood four nights a week), so the fact that anyone even mildly famous wants to speak to me is pretty shocking. He's chatting with my friends and I like it's no big deal, I am pretending like this happens every night of my life, and out of nowhere he leans in for the makeout. Yes. True story. I am pulling a frat move and making out in a crowded kitchen with Quentin Fucking Tarantino. I cannot stop laughing AS this is happening, mainly because I see my friends Nicki and Jen literally gag behind Quentin's head, and I really am doing this for the story at this point. We make out some more, take a walk, keep making out, get more drinks, lather, rinse, repeat. Believe me when I say I'm not bragging, because..well...have you looked at a photo of Quentin Tarantino recently? (Please refer to: http://bit.ly/jL4ORR)

At some point in our public makeout, Jamie Foxx comes over and without acknowledging me goes, "Yo QT, ready to roll?" Quentin looks at me and says "Want to come to my house?" Ummmmmm...fuck yes? We get in an SUV and off we go. As I'm in the car though, I realize two things: 1) Making out with Quentin Tarantino is a great story, but there is no way I plan on putting out, and 2) This is a director who makes up fucked up films for a living, there is a 23% chance he could Phil Spektor me, and I'm definitely not ready to die. But alas, I'm already in the car and we're off.

We get to the house, which is gorgeous, and Jamie Foxx takes off with his lady friend (I try to say bye to him and he doesn't even look at me. Jamie Foxx could not have given 2 shits who I was. This is probably karma because I snuck into a screening of Ray in 2004 with my black boyfriend who worked at AMC at the time, instead of buying a ticket). Which leaves me and QT alone in his bar. I spot a photo booth and immediately realize that we must take photos, if for nothing else, proof that this story even happened. (Because I know at least 7 of you right now think I'm still lying, and are pissed you had to read this much. It gets even better, I promise!!) We get a few good photo strips, which I immediately buried at the bottom of my purse lest he take them from me, and go on talking about film. (For you film geeks, this was a great conversation that led to QT cutting me a trailer of my five favorite bad movies, but for sake of some semblance of brevity, I will leave that aside for another day)

After a lengthy film discussion, Quentin suggests we head to bed, which is the point where I really start panicking. I have stalled for a good long time but the makeouts were really losing their appeal because you can only be sweated on so much, and we were getting closer to the moment of truth on whether I'd have to put out or not. The makeout continues for a while longer, and I'm really getting nervous about where the night may lead, kicking myself over not pretending to be more drunk and "passing out", and wishing he'd turn the damn lights off so that he won't notice that I'm wearing Hanes Her Way underwear the size of Canada that I bought at CVS that morning because my life is really just that sad and pathetic. We make out some more, there's a little below the belt action that I try to avoid, as QT has the most unattractive penis I have ever seen (short. fat. nub-like. The chode of all chodes. Boys, those junior high pamphlets are lying when they say that all shapes and sizes are normal. Lying.) Just as I'm about to hyperventilate over the fact that he may try to put that horrific bodily implement anywhere near my Britney, he leans over and goes "Hey..."

I know this "Hey." This is the "Hey, should I get a condom?" hey that accompanies 20 minutes of ungratifying sex. As I'm trying to rapidly think of ways I can agent myself out of this deal, I hear what is without a doubt, the strangest question in the history of my life. Quentin Tarantino asks, "Can I suck on your toes while I jerk off?" What. The. Fuck.

Many of you may have seen this coming, as his foot fetish is WELL documented, but for some of us who spend more time watching Kate Hudson than we do Quentin Tarantino, this was a huge shock. On top of that, I don't even like weird sex habits! A saucy hookup for me is on the foot of the bed, instead of on a pillow. Someone tried to talk me into a threesome once and I cried for an hour. Having someone ask to fellate my feet while rubbing one out was a world I was not prepared for.

But desperate times call for desperate measures, and I realized this just might be my get out of jail free card on the whole chode in vag issue. After some negotiations about how I would not partake in any of the hand job action were nailed down, I begrudgingly acquiesced. (And by begrudgingly, I realized I didn't have to shtup the dude and said sure why not in about 0.03 seconds) And thus began the weirdest ten minutes of my life - having my feet made out with by an Oscar winning filmmaker while he pleasured himself. Truth be told, it wasn't so bad. I didn't have to do anything (a nice bonus, since I am undoubtedly the laziest person in bed, which some of you can attest to), no bodily secretions were ejected anywhere near me or my feet (thank god, because I imagine it would feel like walking in sand with wet I fucking hate that), and just as I hoped, we went to bed right after.

In the morning, I snooped through Quentin's belongings while he was in the bathroom and now know his e-mail address. He fooled around with my feet one more time (this time without asking, which I found rude), and then drove me back to Nicki's apartment in Weho and that was that.

Most insane experience of my life, and without a doubt, probably the best story I will ever get to tell. Those of you who know me well know of my love of hyperbole, so I'm actually rather sad that I won't get to use "best story ever!!!" when talking about how I scored a free topping at Yogurtland anymore, but I suppose for Quentin I can make an exception. I'll try not to forget all of you little people when my feet and I make our meteoric race (foot pun intended) to the top of the A-List soon.

Till then, I've attached our photo booth photos for those of you who think I still just have a vivid imagination...and yes, he does look like Frankenstein.

Love,
Beejoli

82 comments:

  1. PS, I still love him, if not more, for his weirdness.

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  2. I think reading the description of QT's penis took a year off my life. Ok, maybe just off of my sex life, but ewwwwwwww.

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  3. easily the funniest shit i have read in ages!

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  4. Thanks for your story, but it really made me feel a bit sick to my stomach.
    My feet will definitely remain virgins for the rest of their lives.

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  5. That was really funny, and a great story, but now I feel really sorry to QT.

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  6. amazing. love the way you write.

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  7. Definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking I would read something like this. But on the plus side, at least he's being safe - both on the potential baby & the STD side of things.

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  8. PLEASE WRITE A BOOK, BEEJOLI. Whoever the heck you are!! This is AMAZING.

    Personally, I like spelling "chode" "choad" but I'm just thrilled to pieces that she actually used it PROPERLY.

    A choad *ain't* the taint, peeps. It's a peen that's wider than it is long.

    QT's packin' a tuna can in his pants!

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  9. I. Love. It.

    Awesome, awesome story!!!!

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  10. So, was it a picture of Joba or pitcher Joba Chamberlain that she was talking to? Both will never be great.

    I absolutely cannot stand anyone touching my feet, but I guess it beat the alternative.

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  11. i read about this on twitter via jamie foxx's daughter

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  12. That was b*tchy and not funny, really just mean. I suppose QT deserves it for taking home a party girl but whatev.

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  13. Yeah That Rocked! ROFL

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  14. Anonymous10:55 AM

    Words cannot express how much I want every word of this story to be true. I love QT, and this weirdness is just the kind of thing I can see him being in to. But how can you have a conversation with him WITHOUT raving about Inglorious Basterds?!
    Also, props to him for not kicking her out in the middle of the night and for driving her home. How sad is it that I think that's gentlemanly behavior?
    That Jamie Foxx is a huge turd does not come as a suprise. At all.

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  15. EWWWW!!!!!!! I hate feet!!!! I always gag at least once during a QT movie, because he'll find any excuse to slip an erotic foot scene. Those last three words should never be strung together ever again! Cringe.

    This girl tells the story so well. I wish she hooked up with sleazy celebrities more often because she cracks me up. Oh, and I'm a bitchy flirter too, so I get a kick out of how nasty she was to QT.

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  16. Best. Story. Ever.

    Thank you!

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  17. Eve - She said she doesn't party and admitted she not that cool. What makes her a party girl exactly?

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  18. I was just surprised to read jamie foxx left with a woman....I could have sworn I read he was gay

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  19. Does anyone else feel the need to wash their feet now?

    Anyway, this story is awesome.

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  20. I love the way Beejoli tells a story. Wonder what she does for a living?

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  21. But did she wash her feet before she let him start sucking?? Enquiring minds want to know!
    Quite a story...I kind of like Quentin even more now for his brutal honesty and lack of pretension with strangers :)

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  22. This was spiteful and mean.

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  23. Awesome story! It's so nice to know there are other people in the world like this...sometimes, I feel like I am the only motherfucker who has weird shit like this happen to them. I had a similar incident with Steve Jones (Sex Pistols) years back.

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  24. Fun story, written in a fun way. Thanks for sharing!

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  25. Great story! Send pic of my feet to QT tonight, right after I paint my toe nails!! Think he would buy me shoes??? How about Steve Jones????

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  26. One of the best stories I have read in a good long time! Bravo. I would also like to read more from this person.

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  27. haha, nothing like that happened to this girl I know. They talked religion over beers at a birthday party

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  28. OMG! Awesome story. As some of you I'm also surprised Jamie Fox disappeared with a woman...

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  29. OMG, I love it!

    Tempestuous Grape, please spill.

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  30. What a mean story. I love it.

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  31. Tempestuous Grape, we need your stories. I bet they are awesome. I do admit I am impressed QT seems to just let it all hang out and let her spend the night. I do feel sorry for the poor bastard a little right now....LMAO. : )

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  32. Anonymous12:09 PM

    What Texshan said.

    I love having my toes sucked. Quentin, call me!

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  33. Details, Temp. Grape, or it didn't happen! ;)

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  34. @Yeah, T-Grape! Open your piehole and spill it!!

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  35. Not a surprise. He's sucked half the toes of every women from here to Amsterdam.

    I'll bet he's sucked a few of his leading actresses toes too.

    Mira Sorvino's toes must look like raisins by now.

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  36. "there is a 23% chance he could Phil Spektor me"

    holy hell i almost peed a little at that part cuz that's what i'd be thinking too!

    best. a little mean in regards to the peen (no rhyming intended)...but still awesome.

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  37. Would've been a better story without the borderline racism.

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  38. What borderline racism? The whole Ray thing? Big whoop.

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  39. Well written and funny story. One or two off side comments i could have done without but overall - awesome

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  40. about Jamie Foxx and women...I was at a loft party years and years ago in San Diego and he was up in the loft bedroom and kept sending girl after girl up to be with him. one after another, it was really quite gross. And the DJ even got on the mike to ask if anyone had any condoms as he had run out.

    I guess it is good he was being safe...

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  41. BTW, if anyone tried to suck on my toes, they'd probably lose their teeth. I am extremely ticklish.

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  42. Anonymous1:16 PM

    Speechless.... (and a little nauseous)

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  43. There is nothing better than a great drunken hookup story.

    And I love this random thought, "there is a 23% chance he could Phil Spector me".... I bet QT would get a laugh out of that too.

    Yet I am puzzle why anyone thinks this is a mean story. It is a great tale.

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  44. Is it wrong that I like QT *BETTER* after hearing this story?

    Nothing wrong with a little fetish - and it's not like he forced her to do something or was a jerk.

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  45. i love him because that's how he gets off. he doesn't need romance and love and attention. just some toes and i love bee for posting this i just didn't like this:
    Yankees picture Joba Chamberlain how he'll never be as great as my beloved Brian Wilson. It should be pitcher, right. Not picture unless Joba is on a wall.

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  46. bflogurl, using race as a descriptor when it's completely irrelevant to the story.

    "Minus all the hordes of Asians you get in real Las Vegas." (And the use of the word "hordes" implies uncivilized behavior.)

    "..my black boyfriend..."

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  47. Omg....loved it!!

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  48. Beejoli, can we be friends? This story was AMAZING and your sense of humor is on point! Loving you!

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  49. Anonymous4:25 PM

    TempestousGrape - don't just spill, write us up a story and send it to ENT

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  50. Karmen, it read like the writer painted herself in the coolest possible light, probably leaving out lots of celebrity @ss-kissing, if not toe-sucking. And models all call themselves huge dorks to seem cool, so that doesn't really ring true. I'm all for salacious celebrity hook-ups-and-tells, but she was just so nasty and mean, and because of that, I get the sense that she's leaving out the parts where she doesn't come out so clean/pursued by QT and/or humiliated herself.

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  51. I'd say 'pics or it didn't happen', but you have them. So there you are. Cool story, yo.

    Also, ick, nast XD

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  52. Best.Story.Ever! Beejoli is a helluva writer. Didn't anyone think the underwear description was hilarious? That would so be me!

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  53. So, let me get this straight. She makes out with a guy who she does not find attractive AT ALL because he's famous?

    Congrats, Beejoli. Not only have you outed yourself as a wannabe starfucker and boring in bed, but this whole thing makes you sound like a huge asshole.

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  54. I bow to Beejoli, this story was amazing, funny, cool!

    ps. I still like Quentin too. :)

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  55. Wow, that was a peetty sad, pathetic read.
    Which makes our with someone they thunk is ugly. Then goes home with them so they can suck in their toes and jerk off.

    Yuck.

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  56. First time through .. though this was hysterical. However, after a second "out loud" reading to those in the room who wondered what I was laughing about .. I think it is kinda sad for QT. Sad, pathetic, anonymous semi-sex with some strange not-even fan girl.

    BUT .. written very well and it was quite funny til I started thinking about it too much. Now I am just sad ..

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  57. And by "strange" .. I am not saying she is strange .. but merely that she was a stranger to him. Kinda still sad, IMHO.

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  59. WOW!

    "Minus all the hordes of Asians you get in real Las Vegas."
    FUCK YOU!

    QT has a small dick?
    Maybe your vagina's too big.

    This is a story to be shared with your close friends.

    Frankenstein?
    I didn't realize you were so fucking Hot.

    You try to write as if you're so fucking badass, but you come across as an asshole.

    Jamie Foxx ignores the famewhore.

    This was a very mean story.

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  60. Hilarious!!!!!!! This isn't sad people. This is how QT rolls! I bet he would think this was just as funny and well written as I do.

    Where is the shame that you people see? I read two consenting adults who had a fucked up night and lived to tell the tale. Both single, both I'm sure, had fun... Even if it was more FUNNY than fun for one party

    Anyone who doesnt see that needs to put the kids to bed early and have their own fucked up adventure! Life's too short!

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  61. Wow. Thoroughly entertaining!

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  62. QT will always be awesome to me, foot fetish and all. I was actually relieved that he wasn't as deviant as I'd imagined he'd be in that story.

    Like someone else said, the only real thing that shocked me was I'd bought into the blinds that Jamie Foxx was gay. Maybe he's bi or maybe most blind items are either BS or the most accepted guesses are wrong.

    That was entertaining, but I did wince at the comment about Asians.

    Is it sad I don't think her story is all that weird? When you're young you do some weird stuff, no matter how 'prim and proper' your momma raised you.

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  63. yEnty, why don't you have a Your Turn where readers talk about their celebrity hook-ups? I bet there would be some brilliant stories x

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  64. "spiteful and mean", lol. i think she handled herself very well considering....the feet thing was a good escape, had not heard that about him.

    this was a good bedtime story; more please :)

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  65. Sounds like a real people fanfic.

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  66. Beejoli-> AWESOME
    jjajaja!!
    great experience, thanks for sharing!!

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  67. This,I like.
    So refreshing to hear a story where names were named and opinions were stated.
    Enty's road trip blind items
    are tiring to figure out.

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  68. I have to disagree with all the praise for the writing style of this chick, it's so hacky and OMG-ish...ugh, like the worst spec from your assistant's friend evah. Got to love QT, keepin' it real (real weird, real sleazy, and w/a weird, doggy Random!). Back in the 2000's it was a "thing" to have a photo booth in your house. See also: Dave Navarro.

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  69. I have a brain I refer to as "Short Attention-Span Theater" (from the old Comedy Channel). I think I've been cured. WHAT a great read; not mean--just REAL.

    I don't think any more or less of QT, and I've never like Jamie Foxx. I'm just surprised that WOMEN are mentioned in the same sentence with his name with regard to sex and condoms.

    I wanna go back and read it again!

    Oh, and the title of your book should be called, "Best Story Ever"...pluralize it once you add a few more stories!

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  70. Damn. I thought I had good "dating" stories.

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  71. @ShanKat I did praise her writing style because I liked the way it fit the experience... Like, the Hacky OMG way my friends would actually relay it, had it happened to them....
    If I wanted to read great writing, I would be at the library, not on Crazy Days :)

    Kidding Ent! Love you!

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  72. Freaking hilarious.... but all joking aside... She WILLINGLY made out with him, then WILLINGLY left with him. She was brought into his home and it sounds like he kind of "entertained" her as well like a good host. Why the FUCK would she divulge personal details about him, much less snoop through his shit. She made so many jokes about how "gross" he is and how not pleasurable the experience was, yet she WILLINGLY went through it. It smells like fame whore in here. Bitch was on a starfucking mission, and now she's a bit more famous. Too bad she had to stomp on another person to do it. Hope she at least get's a blog for her troubles bwahahahahaha.

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  73. @Hannah Palindrome, my thoughts exactly!!

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