Ted C Blind Item
As we told you a while ago, Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off were developing a couple of cracks in their very liberal (and licentious) love agreement. And we're not just talking random butt crack, babes.
Nope, Secretia was becoming a bit careless in her private hookups, even though the two had agreed to have an open relationship—which often included swinging orgy sex. How psychedelic '60s, love it! However, Chester was not at all pleased with his gal's borderline-public liaisons with other men, so he decided to...
Start being indiscrete himself!
And handsome Chester (who, if you ask us, isn't quite the hunk-muffin so many folks say he is, but whatever) did his sex-hungry honey one better: He started getting emotionally attached to his sex partners. Going out, having lunch and dinner, you know, hanging.
OMG, the nerve Chester had to not just have sex with these women! And anything that went beyond the bedroom, Secretia had warned, would always be considered the ultimate no-no numero uno.
People are such idiots, really. Do they think multiple orgasms with multiple partners isn't going to eventually lead to some kind of psychological—if not affectionate—connection between the players? Dumb, dumb, dumb.
But Chester was pretty dumb himself when he thought Secretia would just lie back and take his one-upmanship. Hardly this bitch's style.
So Ms. Ohio is currently deciding her options. Does she dump Chester and demand a bigass piece of his financial pie in the process—and risk exposing her own sexual goings-on in the process? Or does she stay with Chester and make the best of it?
But plan C, which involves only Chester being hung out to dry—for an agreed-upon monetary arrangement between the two cheaters, of course—would probably be far more likely.
It Ain't: Kevin and Christine Costner, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden, Michelle and Barack Obama
Damn, and I was all set to guess Michelle and Barack.
ReplyDeleteSomeone with too much time on their hands, translate this. Thanks!
ReplyDelete@rebellious: ohio and chester have an open marriage, as long as things don't get romantic or friendly, just sex. ohio had been straying from their pact a bit so chester was like, fuck it, and has been going balls out and is having relationships with his hookups, not just sex. now ohio doesnt know if she should dump chester and risk exposing her hookups or to stay with him.
ReplyDeleteHow old is this blind? I always thought these two were Eva and Tony.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking Eva Longoria and Tony Parker too.
ReplyDeleteWasn´t Chester Shorts-Off supposed to be gay?
ReplyDeleteIf this is Eva and Tony it seems sort of after the fact. Or is that the point?
ReplyDeleteTed is so subtle with his outings - this blind is right after two references on his site about Eva and Tony.
ReplyDeleteI thought Secretia was supposed to be some conservative political presenter or news anchor type?
ReplyDeleteWasn't Secretia and Chester supposed to be SJP and Broderick? I can't see this being a blind about Eva and Tony; she can hardly be deciding options after already filing divorce.
ReplyDeleteI wish this was Tom and Katie, but I think it's Eva and Tony.
ReplyDeleteI thought it was Kathy Perry and that husband of her's (forgot his name lol).
ReplyDeleteRyan Reynolds and Scarlett whatsername?
ReplyDeletesjp + broderick.
ReplyDeleteSJP is from Nelsonville, Ohio.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking SJP & MB as well, but does he have a large enough financial background that she would get a "big-ass piece"? Isn't she probably the breadwinner in that relationship?
ReplyDeleteMatthew Broderick could care less about SJP. This is definitely Eva and Tony. Though, it also sounds like Courtney Cox and David Arquette.
ReplyDeleteDear Awesomeballa. I love you. I will need and expect your succinct and definitive translations from here on. You ARE awesome.
ReplyDeleteI was also thinking Cox & Arquette, or Scarlett & Ryan. The AIA's are odd, really spans the gamut.
ReplyDeleteHowever, Eva IS well-known to be a bitch as he calls her, hmmm. Only Tony Parker would have a "bigass" financial pie, compared to the other guesses though.
90% English words, and yet it's a foreign language.
ReplyDelete(Why can't he just write them like normal blind items?)
All of the "not's" are women who could be considered "Housewives." I'm going with Eva and Tony on this one.
ReplyDelete