Randy And Evi Quaid ThisClose To Solving Their Own Murder

Attention reality show producers. Please tell me why I have to watch 18 hours a week of The Kardashians but none of you have made the trek up to Vancouver to sign up the Quaids for a reality show. They are gold. The great thing about having them as the subjects of your reality show is you don't need to do any setups. Just turn on the cameras and they will provide the plot and the drama.

One person who did make the trek to see them was an Esquire reporter who sat down with the couple for three hours. I know. How great was that?

You want to know how great the Quaids are? This is what they keep in their car with them. "A box of proof, carried everywhere they go, just in case. Flow charts. Circles, arrows, names — underscored, crossed out — photographs. Satellite images. A litany of slights and wrongs, and a bag containing $8 million in photocopied checks."

Can you picture them staying up late at night working these things out? And you want to give me 30 minutes of Kendra a week? Please.

Evi says the couple has interrupted their killers practicing how to kill them. She says they will be killed in one of three ways. "Their most likely end, the Quaids believe, will involve knives. Randy will be drugged in his sleep — "They know he has sleep apnea," she says — and Evi will be stabbed to death. Then they will put the knife in his hand. He will wake up and be locked away forever. Or he will kill himself in his terror and grief."

Their other choices are being hanged together or being found frozen in their car loaded with Demerol.

In the interview they claim RadarOnline is owned by the police. They also kind of take a jab at Scientology I think. They started talking about how Randy Quaid still makes money off Days Of Thunder and then Evi says, "The Days of Thunder angle is very interesting,"

As for catching the people who are going to kill them? "I feel like we're really close," Evi says. "We're this close to solving our own murder. It's the only way I'll be able to keep Randy alive."

This is the greatest interview ever. To read it all, click here.