Today's story about Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon got me thinking about which is worse. A bunch of affairs with lots of people over 5 years or one affair that lasted five years. Which do you think is worse and would you ever be willing to forgive?
Hmmm. I think one affair over 5 years would be worse. As someone mentioned in the original post, that is almost like a second family/marriage! Too much emotional connection. I think I could *maybe* one day forgive. However, I could NEVER stay in a relationship with the person who cheated on me and I would certainly never forget that someone who was supposed to love me could intentionally break my heart and trust in this way.
At least with the bunch of affairs in 5 yrs, I wud think that my soon-to-be partner was a horny bastard that couldnt keep it in his pants. With a 5 yr affair (like someone commented on the other Garcelle post), thats 2nd family terrority. I wud think "damn, my ex loves his side piece more than me and the kids".
Both are unforgivable in my book. My husband confessed to cheating for the last 3 years of our 20 year marriage. No protection, and he kicked me and my son out of our home so he could move in with a hooker he met on Craigslist. Best thing that ever happened to me. My son and I have a wonderful new life.
A 5 year long affair is not spur of the moment thing. He can't blame it on wine or boredom or opportunity. Maintaining that relationship was deliberate. It's like saying to your wife, "I can handle a committed relationship; just not with you."
I would be able to forgive both after some time.But for me forgiveness doesn't mean that you should get back together, forgiveness is to be able to look back and not feel the same anger,sadness or resentment. Also, I think it hurts more when is a 5 year affair because it carries real feelings, it's not just sex anymore.
I think they're both bad, and I would never forgive. There is nothing on Earth that would make it possible to forgive someone with such little respect for their family. If you want to do that crap, get a divorce or don't be in a relationship. I'd rather you tell me up front and we seperate, I would be hurt but I could get over it and eventually forgive, but cheating? NO. You will be my mortal enemy til the day either you or I die, and I WILL make it my top priority to utterly destroy your life. I've never been one for forgiveness or giving second chances though, so whatever.
Well...for the STD factor alone I would probably say a bunch of affairs over five years. I don't need MY health jeopardized just so you could slut around.
At the same time, if it's one person, then I feel as if my life would be even more of a lie, because that's like a second family(what someone else said). That guarantees there's an emotional affair as well.
And both are completely unforgivable. I would probably pack my sh*t and leave right that second. It's always different when it actually happens to you, though. Can't really say how I'd react unless it did*knocks on wood*
one affair is better. it will hurt like HELL to find out - because it means it has been serious - it betrays more, i would suppose - but it is not as raunchy or dangerous as lots of different people.
but then again, i am very fortunate to only have to think of this as a hypothetical situation. my thoughts go out to those who've been cheated on. it must be awful.
I got slammed in a FB chat about cheating earlier this week for saying this: Cheating is cheating is cheating. Once a cheater, always a cheater. After having "forgiven" a cheater and taken him back, he cheated again. Now it's one strike you're out.
(Regarding the first cheater -- yes, it happened with someone else after that -- I took some pleasure when the person the jerk was cheating on me with -- who shoved it in my face publicly to humiliate me -- anyway, the chick soon discovered -- SHOCK! -- he was cheating on HER and she suspected he came back to me. He didn't. I wouldn't have taken him back, but I loved seeing her karma bite her in the ass! Hee hee hee)
My ex-husband cheated on me...both with a long timer and several times with one night stands. I think the long-term affair is worse because he is cheating no only physically but emotionally as well. The chances of STIs are just as high with one fling as with many...it only takes one infected vagina to ruin a life.
I never found out until after the divorce. I was pretty blind, I guess. I forgave him eventually, mainly because I just don't care anymore. He's his new wife's problem now. She's the one he cheated with.
I don't know that I would be able to forgive either, but I think one affair over 5 years is worse. With a bunch of random women it's probably just about the sex. If it's a long-term affair there's an emotional component as well and I think that would be harder to swallow.
Then again, with one long-term affair I would be less concerned with my own health. Tough call which is worse.
Both are bad. Asking which is worse is like asking if you'd rather have gonnorhea or syphilis. You just don't want either one.
And I couldn't forgive either one. Once you've proven that you're willing to break those vows, you're going to be willing to do it again in the future. If you dont' respect the importance of making that level of commitment to someone, don't get married in the first place.
I think I'd rather have an ex-husband who accidentally fell in love with someone else and carried on a long affair, than to be married to a hound dog who can't keep his fly zipped. Mine was the latter, always with my friends (he even tried to put moves on my MOTHER) and like Jingle Belle above, I didn't know until after the divorce. Even the venereal wart that I got from him wasn't a clue - the doctor didn't tell me that I had to get it from someone I had sex with (and I never cheated), and I'd never heard of such a thing. Yeah, I was pretty clueless.
Forgiving, though, I think is possible. I believe if I truly loved someone and we had a history together, children maybe, and he made a mistake, I might forgive him if I wanted to keep it all together. I wouldn't ever forget, and that alone would affect the relationship, but I think we are all human and sexual mistakes can be made, as well as other types of mistakes. But the hound dog? No way. That is obviously a personality flaw, and I'd be done with him.
I second what a lot of you are saying. Relationships are about TRUST. Period. If someone is cheating on you they are essentially lying to your face (and believing that you are dumb enough that they can get away with it). It is such a slap in the face -- would anyone believe that someone who hit you in the face deserves your love? The ultimate in disrespect.
As stated above I feel that the long term affair would be worse only because there is an emotional attachment. I couldn't forgive you emotionally giving your HEART and SOUL that YOU PROMISED ME to another so we would be over. Numerous affairs sounds like a person who enjoys sex with multiple partners and probably shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.
At the risk of sounding pretentious, a series of affairs is somewhat like participatory masturbation, whereas the emotional connection of a long-term affair carries the real weight of betrayal.
i'm with robert. the long term aspect means things like divorce and getting married has come up. you don't spend that long with a man if you don't think he's going to be with you---you know, when he gets divorced....when the time is right....when the kids get out of school....when the holidays are over...etc.
seriously, the 5 year affair is far, far worse than a random hookup.
A long term affair with one person as a lot of people have pointed out, does verge on 2nd family turf. There's more there than simply sex, which is what multiple short term partners implies. So, the 5 year single partner is definitely worse. That being said, with the multiple, there's the chance of forgiveness, however there's definitely no forgetting. With the single? No on both. And his ass is definitely being kicked to the curb with nothing, and I'd be looking for the hungriest, most bloodthirsty divorce attorney I could find. (of course, being gay this is just a fantasy since gay marriage is still not a reality in the majority of the country)
Worse-one affair that lasted five years = emotional connection. One night stand = sex.
My ex cheated on me with his co-worker. I walked out and never looked back. I never put up with violence or cheating, but I also feel that men will cheat...
I would forgive both right after he moved his cheating ass out. If he would rather be with someone else, he knows where the door is. I'm not into bondage, so he is free to leave at any time. Okay, I am into bondage, but that's a different issue. :)
If you're separated - you're separated.. what one does during that time shouldn't count. Period. I broke things off with my husband when we were dating for a time. We were both with other people and I've never thought twice about it. What he did when I separated myself from him just isn't a factor in whether he loves me or I love him.. or we're meant to be together.
Any who would hold on to something like that probably have other petty jealousy issues.
Both are pretty unforgivable, but I have to say one affair that lasted five years is worse. Five years = an emotional connection, sharing thoughts and feelings, not just sex. I could deal with just sex much easier, because its just your body. However, IMO, sharing your mind is so much worse.
Well.. personally .. I think one over five years is usually indicative of love. Personally, I don't think you could be with someone that long and have it be meaningless.
As for many people over 5 years - that is indicative that they don't love you and they don;t love whomever they are screwing apart from you.
As for which is worse .. 6 of one .. half a dozen of the other I would think from the stand point of the betrayed.
Hmm, hard to say. It's like asking whether you'd want to be deaf or blind.
5 year affair means true love, so if I found out about that, I'd have to say See you later, and kick him out. Many women means he's got some awfully bad sex issues, and he'd have to go thru some pretty serious rehab and re-commitment.
In either case, I'd find it hard to continue the relationship, and would probably consider it irretrievably broken. And I might forgive eventually, but would never forget.
I couldn't forgive either of those. A one time drunken mistake - still not sure I'd be able to forgive that, but I could try. If it was an ongoing thing, whether with one person or several, no way. Pack your bags and get out. Never wanna see you again. And the other woman/ women better sleep with one eye open too.
I couldn't forgive either one, but I think in a 5 year affair the person is looking for something emotionally they aren't getting at home. That is an issue that needs to be worked on before the cheating starts. When numerous affairs are involved--that person is only interested in satisfying their own sexual urges. Look at Jesse James--not that I think it is right, but if he had 1 long term girlfriend because he "claimed" Sandra was always away from home filming, yada yada yada, you could ALMOST forgive him, Instead, based on the amount of skanks that have come forward, you have to conclude he was just in it for the sex.
The whole forgiveness thing is a Christian concept developed to release anyone and everyone for accountability for their actions. I'm more for common human decency on the part of all who are concerned. You know, live and let live, do no harm, that sort of thing. And, having said that, forgiveness is highly over rated. How about trying not to hurt someone to begin with. Seriously, how can you have any trust left with all the skankiness that has been going on lately. Not only with the men but also with the stripper - hooker - hostess women. Just sad.
Hmmm. I think one affair over 5 years would be worse. As someone mentioned in the original post, that is almost like a second family/marriage! Too much emotional connection. I think I could *maybe* one day forgive. However, I could NEVER stay in a relationship with the person who cheated on me and I would certainly never forget that someone who was supposed to love me could intentionally break my heart and trust in this way.
ReplyDeleteAt least with the bunch of affairs in 5 yrs, I wud think that my soon-to-be partner was a horny bastard that couldnt keep it in his pants. With a 5 yr affair (like someone commented on the other Garcelle post), thats 2nd family terrority. I wud think "damn, my ex loves his side piece more than me and the kids".
ReplyDeleteI think lots of affairs over 5 years is worse, mostly because of the STI factor.
ReplyDeleteThat's just me. I've never been in a super-super-serious relationship, so I can't comment on the emotional impact of one long-term affair.
I think the emotional connection of the 5-year affair might be worse but both are pretty terrible.
ReplyDeleteIt would be awfully difficult to forgive but with children, you might do your best to try. So sad.
Both are unforgivable in my book. My husband confessed to cheating for the last 3 years of our 20 year marriage. No protection, and he kicked me and my son out of our home so he could move in with a hooker he met on Craigslist. Best thing that ever happened to me. My son and I have a wonderful new life.
ReplyDeleteA 5 year long affair is not spur of the moment thing. He can't blame it on wine or boredom or opportunity. Maintaining that relationship was deliberate. It's like saying to your wife, "I can handle a committed relationship; just not with you."
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't forgive either scenario.
I would be able to forgive both after some time.But for me forgiveness doesn't mean that you should get back together, forgiveness is to be able to look back and not feel the same anger,sadness or resentment. Also, I think it hurts more when is a 5 year affair because it carries real feelings, it's not just sex anymore.
ReplyDeleteI think they're both bad, and I would never forgive. There is nothing on Earth that would make it possible to forgive someone with such little respect for their family. If you want to do that crap, get a divorce or don't be in a relationship. I'd rather you tell me up front and we seperate, I would be hurt but I could get over it and eventually forgive, but cheating? NO. You will be my mortal enemy til the day either you or I die, and I WILL make it my top priority to utterly destroy your life. I've never been one for forgiveness or giving second chances though, so whatever.
ReplyDeleteWell...for the STD factor alone I would probably say a bunch of affairs over five years. I don't need MY health jeopardized just so you could slut around.
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, if it's one person, then I feel as if my life would be even more of a lie, because that's like a second family(what someone else said). That guarantees there's an emotional affair as well.
And both are completely unforgivable. I would probably pack my sh*t and leave right that second. It's always different when it actually happens to you, though. Can't really say how I'd react unless it did*knocks on wood*
I bet he never cheated on her. I think this is just a ploy for publicity.
ReplyDeleteone affair is better. it will hurt like HELL to find out - because it means it has been serious - it betrays more, i would suppose - but it is not as raunchy or dangerous as lots of different people.
ReplyDeletebut then again, i am very fortunate to only have to think of this as a hypothetical situation. my thoughts go out to those who've been cheated on. it must be awful.
I got slammed in a FB chat about cheating earlier this week for saying this: Cheating is cheating is cheating. Once a cheater, always a cheater. After having "forgiven" a cheater and taken him back, he cheated again. Now it's one strike you're out.
ReplyDelete(Regarding the first cheater -- yes, it happened with someone else after that -- I took some pleasure when the person the jerk was cheating on me with -- who shoved it in my face publicly to humiliate me -- anyway, the chick soon discovered -- SHOCK! -- he was cheating on HER and she suspected he came back to me. He didn't. I wouldn't have taken him back, but I loved seeing her karma bite her in the ass! Hee hee hee)
My ex-husband cheated on me...both with a long timer and several times with one night stands. I think the long-term affair is worse because he is cheating no only physically but emotionally as well. The chances of STIs are just as high with one fling as with many...it only takes one infected vagina to ruin a life.
ReplyDeleteI never found out until after the divorce. I was pretty blind, I guess. I forgave him eventually, mainly because I just don't care anymore. He's his new wife's problem now. She's the one he cheated with.
Neither are forgivable.
ReplyDeleteI don't know that I would be able to forgive either, but I think one affair over 5 years is worse. With a bunch of random women it's probably just about the sex. If it's a long-term affair there's an emotional component as well and I think that would be harder to swallow.
ReplyDeleteThen again, with one long-term affair I would be less concerned with my own health. Tough call which is worse.
Both are bad. Asking which is worse is like asking if you'd rather have gonnorhea or syphilis. You just don't want either one.
ReplyDeleteAnd I couldn't forgive either one. Once you've proven that you're willing to break those vows, you're going to be willing to do it again in the future. If you dont' respect the importance of making that level of commitment to someone, don't get married in the first place.
I think I'd rather have an ex-husband who accidentally fell in love with someone else and carried on a long affair, than to be married to a hound dog who can't keep his fly zipped. Mine was the latter, always with my friends (he even tried to put moves on my MOTHER) and like Jingle Belle above, I didn't know until after the divorce. Even the venereal wart that I got from him wasn't a clue - the doctor didn't tell me that I had to get it from someone I had sex with (and I never cheated), and I'd never heard of such a thing. Yeah, I was pretty clueless.
ReplyDeleteForgiving, though, I think is possible. I believe if I truly loved someone and we had a history together, children maybe, and he made a mistake, I might forgive him if I wanted to keep it all together. I wouldn't ever forget, and that alone would affect the relationship, but I think we are all human and sexual mistakes can be made, as well as other types of mistakes. But the hound dog? No way. That is obviously a personality flaw, and I'd be done with him.
I second what a lot of you are saying. Relationships are about TRUST. Period. If someone is cheating on you they are essentially lying to your face (and believing that you are dumb enough that they can get away with it). It is such a slap in the face -- would anyone believe that someone who hit you in the face deserves your love? The ultimate in disrespect.
ReplyDeleteAs stated above I feel that the long term affair would be worse only because there is an emotional attachment. I couldn't forgive you emotionally giving your HEART and SOUL that YOU PROMISED ME to another so we would be over.
ReplyDeleteNumerous affairs sounds like a person who enjoys sex with multiple partners and probably shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.
At the risk of sounding pretentious, a series of affairs is somewhat like participatory masturbation, whereas the emotional connection of a long-term affair carries the real weight of betrayal.
ReplyDeletei'm with robert. the long term aspect means things like divorce and getting married has come up. you don't spend that long with a man if you don't think he's going to be with you---you know, when he gets divorced....when the time is right....when the kids get out of school....when the holidays are over...etc.
ReplyDeleteseriously, the 5 year affair is far, far worse than a random hookup.
A 5 year long affair is worse in my book. There's no sex rehab for that!
ReplyDeleteI forgave, when during a separation, someone slept with everything he could.
ReplyDeleteForgiving is one thing, forgetting never happened.
We split up a couple more times before I finally ended it for good.
I couldn't let it go and there were too many reminders around us...
A long term affair with one person as a lot of people have pointed out, does verge on 2nd family turf. There's more there than simply sex, which is what multiple short term partners implies.
ReplyDeleteSo, the 5 year single partner is definitely worse.
That being said, with the multiple, there's the chance of forgiveness, however there's definitely no forgetting.
With the single? No on both.
And his ass is definitely being kicked to the curb with nothing, and I'd be looking for the hungriest, most bloodthirsty divorce attorney I could find. (of course, being gay this is just a fantasy since gay marriage is still not a reality in the majority of the country)
Worse-one affair that lasted five years = emotional connection.
ReplyDeleteOne night stand = sex.
My ex cheated on me with his co-worker.
I walked out and never looked back.
I never put up with violence or cheating, but I also feel that men will cheat...
I guess that's why I'm still single.
I would forgive both right after he moved his cheating ass out. If he would rather be with someone else, he knows where the door is. I'm not into bondage, so he is free to leave at any time. Okay, I am into bondage, but that's a different issue. :)
ReplyDeleteI can forgive many many things, but those two are not on the list. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteIn this scenario, do I love my husband? I guess it depends.
ReplyDeleteIf you're separated - you're separated.. what one does during that time shouldn't count. Period. I broke things off with my husband when we were dating for a time. We were both with other people and I've never thought twice about it. What he did when I separated myself from him just isn't a factor in whether he loves me or I love him.. or we're meant to be together.
ReplyDeleteAny who would hold on to something like that probably have other petty jealousy issues.
Both are pretty unforgivable, but I have to say one affair that lasted five years is worse. Five years = an emotional connection, sharing thoughts and feelings, not just sex. I could deal with just sex much easier, because its just your body. However, IMO, sharing your mind is so much worse.
ReplyDeleteNeither are forgivable.
ReplyDeleteWell.. personally .. I think one over five years is usually indicative of love. Personally, I don't think you could be with someone that long and have it be meaningless.
ReplyDeleteAs for many people over 5 years - that is indicative that they don't love you and they don;t love whomever they are screwing apart from you.
As for which is worse .. 6 of one .. half a dozen of the other I would think from the stand point of the betrayed.
I view both situations as equal. For me, both are unforgiveable.
ReplyDeleteMultiple partners is worse. Increased risk of stds.
ReplyDeleteHmm, hard to say. It's like asking whether you'd want to be deaf or blind.
ReplyDelete5 year affair means true love, so if I found out about that, I'd have to say See you later, and kick him out. Many women means he's got some awfully bad sex issues, and he'd have to go thru some pretty serious rehab and re-commitment.
In either case, I'd find it hard to continue the relationship, and would probably consider it irretrievably broken. And I might forgive eventually, but would never forget.
I couldn't forgive either of those. A one time drunken mistake - still not sure I'd be able to forgive that, but I could try. If it was an ongoing thing, whether with one person or several, no way. Pack your bags and get out. Never wanna see you again. And the other woman/ women better sleep with one eye open too.
ReplyDeleteTough call. The five year one probably due to the length of time and lying. Neither is forgivable. I'm not sure i'd forgive a one time thing.
ReplyDeleteWhat Harriet Hellfire said.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't forgive either one, but I think in a 5 year affair the person is looking for something emotionally they aren't getting at home. That is an issue that needs to be worked on before the cheating starts. When numerous affairs are involved--that person is only interested in satisfying their own sexual urges. Look at Jesse James--not that I think it is right, but if he had 1 long term girlfriend because he "claimed" Sandra was always away from home filming, yada yada yada, you could ALMOST forgive him, Instead, based on the amount of skanks that have come forward, you have to conclude he was just in it for the sex.
ReplyDeleteThe whole forgiveness thing is a Christian concept developed to release anyone and everyone for accountability for their actions. I'm more for common human decency on the part of all who are concerned. You know, live and let live, do no harm, that sort of thing. And, having said that, forgiveness is highly over rated. How about trying not to hurt someone to begin with. Seriously, how can you have any trust left with all the skankiness that has been going on lately. Not only with the men but also with the stripper - hooker - hostess women. Just sad.
ReplyDelete