The may not be swingers like Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off, but Henrietta Hard-Ball and her blandly good-looking husband, Elijah Schwad, have a convenient relationship when it comes to sex.
Like so many famous couples.
Henrietta's allowed to pursue (with ferocious abandon, mind you) her high-powered career, as long as Elijah takes care of the family and the home. It's an arrangement that's served both spouses well, for many reasons.
But ah, the only reason that causes us to really care about her is the one that makes Elijah happy. Can you guess what it is? A little bed-time dynamic that might make even Toothy Tile jump for joy?
Yep, you guessed it (otherwise you're reading the wrong column, really), Elijah lives to get it on with the dudes.
But like so many selfish men—is there any other kind?—Elijah also wanted a happy home and a family, so he brokered a deal with the attractive, driven Henrietta, who's about as interested in sex these days as Lindsay Lohan is in working.
So both kinda fake-married folks get what they want—a career for her, a harem of hotties for him.
What's even more interesting about this scenario is the fact that Henrietta and Elijah don't have your typical celeb following. Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick they are not.
Let's just say that one of them works in a business that is mercilessly driven by what Middle America deigns right and wrong. If anybody in this corn-fed fanbase the kinky twosome so direly depends on ever got wind of the debauched details in the couple's sex arrangement, life would be over for them both—in seconds.
Hmmm. That's quite a gamble, wonder why either of them are even taking it?
Oh, that's right, Henrietta's never been known to see anything close to reason, completely forgot.
AND IT AIN'T: Gisele and Tom Brady, Mo'Nique and Sidney Hicks, Michelle and Barack Obama
Ha! I think he just revealed SJP and Broderick as Secretia Ohio and Chester!
ReplyDeleteThe Palins?
ReplyDeleteI second Dee's guess.... OR the Clintons =)
ReplyDeleteNancy and Paul Pelosi
ReplyDeleteAs much as I would like this to be the Palins, there's no way. They live in a small town. Todd Palin could never keep that quiet in a small town.
ReplyDeleteMy first guess is the Hasselbeck's (sp?) or second choice Kelly Ripa and her husband.
Can't be the Palins... she just had a kid. But that last 'it aint' makes me think politicians (obviously) as does the whole middle America thing...
ReplyDeletePaul Pelosi isn't a public figure, so I doubt it'd be anyone there.
But... it could also be a famous pair of journalists? Shrug, I got no ideas.
I was thinking either a politician or perhaps a journalist. But a politician's life would more likely 'be over in seconds' moreso than a journalist's, so it probably is a politician.
ReplyDeleteIf it were the Palins, it seems like it would have gotten out. Pelosi's from San Francisco; I don't think she'd bother with a charade since her consituents wouldn't care. Clintons seem wrong because of Lewinsky and other (rumored if not proven)female indiscretions on his part.
I can't think of any guesses of my own though....
Nope, it's probably idiot Angie Harmon and her gorgeous hunk of a husband, Jason Sehorn. Although I don't think he is gay.
ReplyDeleteDiane Sawyer and Mike Nichols? Although Diane is the mainstream America one.
ReplyDeleteKelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos? I love her though. Whatever she touches, turns to gold.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSeam Connery and Alex Trebek's mother?
ReplyDeleteThis just screams Palins, especially the Obamas and "Hicks" in the "nots." Hasselback's work too, tie-ing in with Tom and Gisele. Please be Palins!
ReplyDeleteIf it is a politician...It has to be a Republican couple.
ReplyDeleteCant be Democrats as Liberals wouldn't actually care if one or both turned out to be gay.
Middle America is notoriously Conservative.
It's Sarah and Todd Palin.
First of all - The idea its hard to cover up in a small town is laughable.
A small town makes it much easier. It doesnt mean Todd's out crushing every guy in the city.
All this has to mean is he has a certain fella on the side.
It's 100% the Palins since theirs is the only career that would crash & burn if it came out that they were an arrangement.
It cant be the Clintons or Obamas. Why? Because both men in those couples became President. The wives followed them, not the other way around.
Todd Palin - however - is the First Dude of Alaska.
I get the feeling that in Ted C world I must be about the only heterosexual male in existence. Ladies, why aren't you beating down my door for the good man loving?
ReplyDeleteIf this is supposed to be the Palins, I totally call BS! No way! With the amount of paps up their asses, there is no way in hell they could cover something like that up-no way no how!
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine a more closely scrutinized public figure than Palin. If she had something in her closet, it would have been out a long time ago. This is either someone more obscure or someone the Liberals in the media will cover for, like they did Edwards.
ReplyDeleteMore and more, I'm thinking that Ted C just sits around and makes these blinds up!
ReplyDeleteROH, there's a lot of speculation that Trig is actually Bristol's child.
ReplyDeleteOh...and is there really anything bland about Todd Palin? You may or not think he's handsome, but with his dark features and rugged looks, he'd hardly be bland. I think bland, I think kind of conventional looking and he isn't. Oh...and Kelly's husband is anything but bland looking as well!
ReplyDeleteso the guy is kind of a mr. mom and she's the star?
ReplyDeleteit sure can't be the obamas. and come on, it's not the clintons either.
i hate the palins but i don't see how it can be them, but it would be funny as hell if it were.
Here's why I think it must be a Republican:
ReplyDeleteTed's last sentence is, "Oh, that's right, Henrietta's never been known to see anything close to reason, completely forgot."
Also, it wouldn't be that much of a shock if it were someone in show business--but Republicans really
have cornered the market on that whole hypocrisy thing...
I wish Ann Coulter were married. I would love for this to be her.
ReplyDeleteWith every fibre of my being, I want this to be the Palins. Hello, God? It's me, Delta. If you make this be about the Palins, you can give me cancer in exchange. Ok? Deal?
ReplyDeleteI agree with Elizabeth Hasselbeck, ftw!
ReplyDeleteConnection to Gisele: Married a quarterback.
Connection to Mo'Nique: Both have talk shows.
Connection to the Obamas: Was on the presidential campaign trail (in support of McCain)
The middle america fanbase can be attributed to both The View and her political affiliation.
Solved?
Tim Hasselbeck is totally bland former football player who works part-time during football season as a commentator. Elizabeth Hasselbeck is a right-wing mouthpiece spouting off on family values nonstop on The View. I think it fits them best.
ReplyDeleteFor the record, I would LOVE for it to be the Palins, I just don't think it is.
The problem with it being Elizabeth Hasselbeck is that her husband, Tim Hasselbeck, is not a stay at home dad. He has a career as a sports commentator on ESPN.
ReplyDeleteI think it's Michelle Malkin the conservative columnist/author. According to Wikipedia her husband, also a connected conservative was a stay at home dad.
ReplyDelete"As of 2004, Jesse was a stay-at-home dad raising their daughter, Veronica, and a son.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michelle_Malkin
looserdude - I hear ya, but he only works during football season and only a couple days a week. That's pretty darn close. And he's as bland as can be. And it would ruin his sports cred if it came out that he liked a stable of studs on the side.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth Hasslebeck wouldn't stay married to him if he was gay. No way, no how. Not them.
ReplyDeleteDoes anyone think it's weird that the Obama's keep showing up in Ted C's "And It Ain'ts"?
ReplyDeleteI just have to say it again: I can't stand these Ted C blinds. That is all.
ReplyDeleteI agree JessieE, the only time it should matter if a gay is closeted is if he's being a hypocritical asshole about it like that Senator from Idaho. Otherwise, just leave'em alone, I say.
ReplyDeleteLong time reader, first time poster.
ReplyDeleteI think Paul Pelosi is a commodities trader in SFC. Corn, yes. Mr. Mom, no. Pelosi,sweetheart of the midwest, only in an alternate universe.
It could fit the Palins, but they are under a microscope. Levi would have cashed in and outed them by now. I do think Todd is booooring, a total NSB.
My guess would be Elizabeth and Tim Hasselbeck.
Hasselback or Ripa sound about right, although Mark Consuelos is anything but bland looking. But, talk show hosts do attract many viewers from middle America, right?
ReplyDeleteITA with Jessie. I loathe the Ted blinds.
I also loathe all the outright hate for people whose political beliefs aren't left-leaning enough for all y'all. But whatever. I'm used to all that smack talk even though it's so narrow-minded, IMO. I love being an American because we can all have our own, individual views - political or otherwise.
I agree Susan. When did it become OK to hate the people who disagreed with us politically? We used to say that people of goodwill could disagree, but now we're all about the hate. I don't think that's what we need as a nation. That's one of the reasons I voted for Obama, was that I hoped he would pull back from that abyss of hatred. Sadly, that has happened much.
ReplyDelete@looserdude
ReplyDeleteObama has helped the American image, globally, more than you'll ever know. As far as the partisan bickering, that will never stop because that is politics.
This is ABSOLUTELY the Palins! Todd Palin is as bland as a Miracle Whip and baloney sandwich on Wonder Bread.
ReplyDeleteThis is totally the Palins. I remember reading something not too long ago about Todd Palin being holed up at their cabin with his "friend" and I think it said something like "as usual."
ReplyDeleteIt totally fits. I'm considering this one solved.
It has always amazed me that even highly public figures can still keep secrets. Look at the lengths taken to keep Edwards' affair and love child a secret? I'm not going to get political, but I think the Palins are an excellent guess. How often do we see Todd or pictures of him going about his everyday life?
ReplyDeleteI'm so sick of people hating other people just because of their political views. Sheesh. It's not only narrow-minded, it's boring.
ReplyDeleteI'm with the above poster- I think Ted makes these blinds up and that there isn't a single heterosexual man in Hollywood/public life left!
Who is hating on anyone? I mean, besides that one person up there?
ReplyDeleteI agree Susan, but the irrational hatred cuts both ways. It's not liberal talk radio that is successful, is it...?
ReplyDeletethe palin guess is fucking stooopid. they've got a ton of kids, one being around 20?
ReplyDeletethey were both nobodies when married & most of their lives, why the charade for 20 yrs?
dumbest guess ever.
uh ya, the media hounds wouldn't have outed this long ago...give me a fucking break
well said Sandman. People would love for this to be the Palins....not so.
ReplyDeleteWhat sandman said wasn't well said. If it was well said there would be no need for name calling and swearing.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Palin is not a stupid guess. Try to think of another well known Republican female politician whose husband stays home with the kids.
I'll wait...
ITA, Selock. I so know it goes both ways.
ReplyDelete...and to follow up on @Sue Ellen, a wife who pursues her career with "ferocious abandon"? And how the fan base is "corn-fed" and "driven by what MA deigns right and wrong"? (Ignore for a moment that "deigns" is not correct there--should be "deems").
ReplyDeleteAnd @Sandman, if you think a couple can't keep a charade of a marriage going for 20 years, I don't know what planet you're living on. I can think of a few I know personally offhand! And she wasn't always in the public eye either. AND, he may not have been out with his wife until relatively recently.
You guys, what if one of spouses is not a politician but a country music star? Coming out as gay might alienate their fan base.
ReplyDeleteThe only question is who? Tim McGraw and Faith Hill?
Aren't Ted's blinds always connected somehow to the "And it Ain't?"
ReplyDeleteIf so, can one of you argue how Palin is related to all three?
cdanluva - I was thinking about them initally, too. But, McGraw doesn't bland to me.
McGraw doesn't seem bland.
ReplyDeleteSorry for dropped word.
I'm always curious why the Palins and the Hasselbecks arouse such intense emotion, even hatred, from the left side of the fence. What have they ever done but practice their constitutional right to freedom of speech and expression? They don't believe the way most of you do, so they deserve your hate?
ReplyDeleteGuessing the Palins for this blind is absurd. Just as it is absurd to believe that Trig is Bristol's child, Mooshki. Don't you think a few people up in Wasilla would have noticed?
Blind hatred brings about a lot of ridiculousness, and there is certainly evidence of that from a whole bunch of you guys today.
@figgy
ReplyDeleteYou are exactly right about couples staying together for years even though the relationship is over. Thank you for mentioning it.
and
@cdanluva
I'm pretty sure the "aint's" have nothing to do with music, so I ruled it out and settled on a politician.
I am going to ask this one more time, who is being hateful here/saying hateful things about Republicans? Seriously, I would like to know because a lot of people are mentioning it and I don't see it in the comments. (besides that one person)
ReplyDeleteOK, Sue Ellen - maybe in this case not "hateful", but as a general rule that's the case. Generally, any post that seems to make a conservative person look bad is ALWAYS guessed as either Sarah Palin or Elizabeth Hasselbeck, and I can recall at least a few times someone saying "I hate that bitch" about both of them.
ReplyDeleteThere is a very strong negative vibe to these comments, and while nobody actually said "hate" it comes through loud and clear.
See Delta's post at 10:08 and tell me I'm wrong.
ReplyDeleteThe bitch fights here are becoming tiresome.
ReplyDeleteI'm out. It's not fun anymore Enty.
@Babs
ReplyDeleteHa! When I read Delta's comment I was more concerned with their sanity than their opinion of Palin. Who wishes that on themsevles? Clearly a deranged person. Delta is to the Dem's what Hasselbeck is to the GOP.
"I am going to ask this one more time, who is being hateful here/saying hateful things about Republicans? Seriously, I would like to know because a lot of people are mentioning it and I don't see it in the comments. (besides that one person)"
ReplyDeleteEvidence? Here ya go:
"As much as I would like this to be the Palins,"
"it's probably idiot Angie Harmon" She's an idiot cuz she's Republican? Mmmkay.
"Please be Palins!"
"i hate the palins but "
"Republicans really have cornered the market on that whole hypocrisy thing…"
"I wish Ann Coulter were married. I would love for this to be her."
"With every fibre of my being, I want this to be the Palins. Hello, God? It's me, Delta. If you make this be about the Palins, you can give me cancer in exchange. Ok? Deal?"
"Elizabeth Hasselbeck is a right-wing mouthpiece spouting off on family values nonstop on The View. "
"For the record, I would LOVE for it to be the Palins,"
Is that enough evidence?
@Kelly
ReplyDeleteI'm not bitching, I'm discussing. It's fun.
now this is really funny. babs is all upset about the 'hate.'
ReplyDeletepoor sarah. poor elizabeth. they're such victims! they've done and said nothing to make anyone hate them---they're so accepting, so open-minded. they're no judgmental at all. poor them.
gimme a fuckin' break here.
Both Laura Ingraham and Ann Coulter are single. Hmm...no surprise there. Although I really, really wish it were one of these two!
ReplyDeleteAs much as everyone is hating on the Republicans, I think Middle American Democrats would be just as upset if this was about a Democratic couple.
ReplyDeleteI think he's referring to the Hasselbeck's. If it came out that Matt Hasselbeck liked men, his reputation as a former NFL player and ESPN commentator position would be shot.
I did not get the impression that the hubby was a stay-at-home dad, but rather took on the responsibility of the kids. Since they live in Washington and Elizabeth works in New York, I imagine Matt does most of the child rearing.
Somehow, I highly doubt whether any of Ted C's blind items are true. I can't stand the way he writes these lines and tries to out every famous person as gay!
@chopchop - just FYI, I'm not a republican OR a democrat, so I'll thank you for not trying to force me into one of those parties.
ReplyDeleteThe reason I would love for this to be Coulter is because it would be hilarious if she were a huge hypocrite considering how she rants at people. When I guess blinds, I often say I wish it were this person or that person for the very same reason.
Stop trying to twist my words for your purpose. It's lame.
as much as she annoys me, the Hasselbecks were college sweethearts before either of them had to put on a public face, so I don't think it's them. Plus mu former hairdresser in a small RI town is a friend of her family and secrets don't last in RI.
ReplyDeletenancer-
ReplyDeleteJust because someone has a different political opinion than yours does not make them hateful, intolerant and narrow-minded, and the fact that you think those people deserve to be treated so nastily really says a lot about you as a person...and it's not saying "tolerant, open-minded, kind", OR having the "moral high ground". Perhaps you should practice some of that tolerance and kindness that you preach about so often? Or does it only extend to those who think exactly like you do?
If it were the Palins, then Levi Johnston would have sold this story already, or at least hinted at it in order to get more $ to blab all. That boy can't keep his trap shut (either of them!)
ReplyDeleteIf it were the Palins perhaps the reason Levi is keeping his mouth shut is he was one of Todd's studs. Eww! Eww! I can't believe I just wrote that. Ted C. you bring out the ugly in everybody! Eww! I have to go a detox now.
ReplyDeleteIt wouldn't necessarily be hard to hide even in a small town, nobody would ever question two guys going off on a hunting trip together and staying in their remote cabin in the middle of the wilderness.
ReplyDeleteThe thing that makes me wonder if it is the Palins is the use of the word "dude" in the blind--everybody knows that Todd was referred to as the "First Dude", so it could be Ted's using that as a hint.
Also, why are we so quick to assume that Levi would know? If it is the Palins, I'd imagine that they'd keep such an arrangement totally secret from their kids, so when would Levi be in the position to find out?
I'm nowhere near committed to the idea that this is the Palins, but I wouldn't be surprised if Ted wants us to think it is.
I would love for this to be the Palins or the Malkins, but I don't think it is. I don't think either of those ladies would sit for such an arrangement. I like cdanluva's suggestion that it's a country music couple, although I'm not sure I'm on board with the McGraw/Hill suggestion.
ReplyDeleteOk I'm out of detox.
ReplyDeleteOf course Sarah Palin would sit for this type of arrangement. Read the description of Henrietta
"Henrietta's allowed to pursue (with ferocious abandon, mind you) her high-powered career"
If she had a traditional type of husband that is like the Middle America that she's attempting to appeal to, he wouldn't stand for her out furthering her career while he's at home wiping bums and noses and shooting moose.
Rocket Queen, I am sorry if my post annoyed you. I wasn't looking at the user names of the posts, only the posts themselves. I truly enjoy you and respect you very much as a person. For the record, I'm neither D nor R but I find the pure hatred for both Sarah Palin AND Hillary Clinton fascinating. In my opinion it's pure misogyny driving such vitriol ... and women spit the biggest venom against them. We should be celebrating their success, drive, and rise to power rather than take any excuse to knock them down.
ReplyDeletechopchop, I am right there with you! I don't get all the hate for either of those two ladies.
ReplyDeleteI kinda think Ted C. makes up all his stupid blinds. It's like he wants everybody to be gay.
One of the reasons I think this is NOT the Palins is because the couple in question is described as a "celebrity couple." I don't think Todd Palin is a celebrity at all. He's only known by association, whereas the Hasselbacks both have their own celebrity-status careers.
Just, my 2 cent.
The word "dude" in the blind is interesting, though.
Lately, I'm beginning to feel as if the Left is just the Right facing the other direction, and vice versa. Both sides of the aisle have descended into the bickering, sniping hatefulness more appropriate to high school; hypocrisy on both sides of the spectrum is rampant, and the idealism of "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" has degenerated into the sensationalism of "Mr. Smith Does Washington!" Is this indicative of the lowering of our cultural standards? Did politicians behave any better in the past, or were they just more discreet...?
ReplyDeleteThanks chopchop, for documenting the hate that people write, and then look around innocently like they don't know where any hate is.
ReplyDeleteLearn to moderate yourselves, or live with being associated with the hate you broadcast, folks.
Don't tell me you were spewing hate for some other reason and not politics, it really doesn't matter WHY you feel the need to broadcast hateful messages....all of it sucks, regardless of your various rationalizations.
That said - I believe this is a politcal couple because the Aints are somehow related to the BI couple. I don't see the connection to a country signer.
OR - or maybe it really is Barbera Walters! GOTCHA!
Sarah and Todd Palin were the first people who popped in my mom. That didn't need to happen. :(
ReplyDeleteHi everyone. I don't think it's the palins or the hasselbacks's. I personally think it's heidi klum and seal. They're the couple who popped into my mind.
ReplyDeleteThanks. Have a good night.
Chopchop:
ReplyDeleteThanks for picking out the "hate" bits for me, but I don't really see how disliking Palin and co. translates into hating the people who support the GOP. I don't like Palin either, but there are lots of Republican politicians that I do like, so I think it says more about her than it does about the GOP.
I also think, while we're on the topic, that the reason people say Republicans are hypocrites is a direct result of the stance the GOP takes on certain issues, for example homosexuality, and then they get caught doing a little tappy tappy in a bathroom stall looking for gay sex. Something ain't clean in the milk about that. It's like people who sin Monday to Saturday and then church it up on Sunday and consider themselves a good Catholic. Just my opinion.
That being said, at the end of the day I'm Canadian, so none of this really effects me. It's just interesting to watch from a distance.
Michelle Bachmann and her pray-away-the-gay hubby.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to point out that Ted does not say that tahe couple in this blind is a celebrity couple. Rather he refers to them as famous couple. The Palins are IMO a famous couple.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I don't think it's wrong to hate on Hilary or Sarah. I don't want to cheer for someone's accomplishments just because they are female and I'm female.
Some of the things Sarah Palin stands for if she got her way would I believe set women back 20 years. Why should I celebrate her accomplishments? As a woman her politics scare me.
i bet this is elizabeth hassleback, but i would LOVE for this to be the palins because then they would lose their popularity and go away. i'm so tired of having to hear the admiration and the hate for them. i wish she'd never come into the public eye.
ReplyDeletefurthermore, i think that the amount of hatred that people have toward each other nowadays is very frightening. whether is be about disagreeing political views, religious, or otherwise - there is a certain amount of basic respect for our fellow citizens that is lost, gone. and i find it really sad.
hatred flying around in the population the way it is now is very dangerous. because once it finds a scapegoat - that is how genocides, kkk, nazism, and all other kinds of atrocities get committed.
and we wouldn't want that, would we?
peace and love be with you all.
Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban
ReplyDeleteWhat about Nancy Grace?
ReplyDeleteaahh the political hate. Lefty Loonies, Evviill Republicans.. so passe'!
ReplyDeleteSame shit different day, doesn't matter who is in office..
No way is this the Palins.. The Dems 'search and destroy' mission dug and dug and dug, heck we prolly know what type of breakfast cereal they eat in the morning. (same goes for the Republicans, so don't freak gang)
The one thing I do agree with is Looserdude it is quite odd about Ted C throwing in the Obamas with the ain'ts. I have notices this a lot myself. Not sure if it actually has a tie in, or just a fluke thing.
Now back to the blind. This is written to convey that this would totally rattle the bird cage. But the question is who? Who has that type of "OMG" factor that would be "quite the gamble"?
Nancy Grace is an interesting choice. Hmmm.
ReplyDeleteCan't rule out the Palins based on the dem machine. Look how long it took to bring Edwards down.
The Palins fit the best because Sarah is seeking a high powered career with ferocious abandon. Think about it. She has a down syndrome infant, and two school-aged children at home. Yet she's everywhere. She's at the Tea Party convention, she wrote a book. She's on the cover of People magazine. She's made it clear that she's considering the Presidency in 2012.
I'm not hating on her. I just think that she fits the description best.
Just wanted to ask, who does this statement remind you of?
ReplyDelete"Oh, that's right, Henrietta's never been known to see anything close to reason, completely forgot."
Could this statement help eliminate anyone?
Ripa. The only thing I see that may not fit is Henrietta's lack of interest in sex which may contradict the previous blind everyone thought was Ripa loudly and graphically discussing in a restaurant her sexual encounter with John Mayer, if I recall correctly. Although, maybe the two are not inconsistent, come to think of it, since talking about it and doing it can be very different things. Ted may already have given Ripa a nom de gossip which would also rule her out since he supposedly only assigns one per customer.
ReplyDeleteI go back and forth on partisanship. When I get worried about the fate of our nation given the virtual complete lack of in-depth and sophisticated discussion of our real problems I remind myself that politics has always been like this. What is different today is that instead of smoke filled back rooms making the real decisions, we have paid entertainers masquerading as journalists filling their pockets with gold while whipping-up the fires of intolerance and hatred with their corrupting venom, which is of course what sells. The attempts here to find common ground are encouraging but I am pessimistic they can overcome the power of the media in today's world. My two cents. :-)
The lack of interest in sex may be another Palin clue. Because Sarah Palin is an advocate for teaching teens abstinence.
ReplyDelete