Carli Goes To The American Music Awards - Very Snarky

What happens when my 2nd ex-wife gets third row seats to the American Music Awards? Read her report and find out.


Ahhh, the AMA’s. Some call it the poor man’s Grammy’s but based on the amount of money I spent on my dress, ‘poor’ is not the word I’d use to describe it.

I was lucky enough to call in a favor to one of my friends at ABC and hook me up he did! (and I didn’t even have to promise him a sexual favor or six!) I was in the THIRD row. You may have even seen me in one of the many panning camera shots. The only downfall to the third row? No music industry bigwigs, with even bigger salaries, sitting around me. And you know that’s the only reason people like myself and Phoebe Price attend! But no matter, instead I readied my sex eyes for Chris Daughtry and away I went.

My view of the stage was fantastic. I was smack in the middle of the third row and seated between a gaggle of gay men. Just where I like to be. One of the most entertaining aspects of the show was watching the gentleman to my right FREAK OUT because Whitney Houston was sitting right behind us. Surrounding her were Alicia Keyes, Rihanna, Mary J. Blige, Carrie Underwood, Jay-Z, Rascal Flatts, and Lady Gaga.

The show opened with a Janet Jackson medley which I thoroughly enjoyed. (and clearly so did the boys next to me. I have the bruises on my ribs from their frenetic dancing to prove it) Janet had good energy, her dancers had good energy, and I felt like I was back in my dance class in the early 90’s. Daughtry was the second act of the night and I swooned throughout his entire performance of “Life After You.” Unfortunately for me, the lights were out in the audience during the song so alas, my sex eyes went unnoticed. But once he got off the stage and walked among the crowd I saw that we were doomed before we ever began: he is TINY!!! I was struck by how many people in the music industry are itty bitty. When Green Day went up to accept their award the guy next to me whispered, “Aw they’re so cute, they look like little hobbits!”

During the commercial breaks it’s always interesting to watch what the stars are doing. A weird seat filler dressed in a glittery Michael Jackson jacket came up and introduced himself to Whitney Houston. She smiled and shook his hand but after he walked off she turned to Bobbi Christina and shook her head. I could just hear her saying “Oh HELL to the NO!” To my right, Carrie Underwood and Mary J Blige were gabbing away, which was probably the most animated I saw Miss Underwood for the entire show. Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban had moved into a seat behind us and, had Nicole’s face been able to move, I would say they were having an animated conversation with Rascal Flatts. Adam Lambert was applying more lip gloss. Hmm, do none of the real stars want to talk to the guy who didn’t even win the reality show? Boo hoo.

Dance wise, my favorite part of the show was Shakira. She had great energy, was really singing, and the step team she had dancing with her on stage and in the aisles was fierce!! Surprise guest Alex Rodriguez came out and introduced my second favorite act of the night, Jay-Z and Alicia Keyes’s Empire State of Mind. Note to A-Rod: next time? Spit your gum out before you walk out on stage to introduce anyone. I don’t care if it’s little Jimmy at the first grade play, you looked like a MAJOR douchebag chomping away. And you might want to tell your girlfriend, Kate Hudson, to employ a new stylist. She looked like she had just rolled out of a love session with you in the limo, yanked her hair back, and threw on a sparkly dress from Forever 21 and sauntered on stage. The only one worse dressed than her was Carrie Ann Inaba who looked like she was wearing Free City sweatpants.

I’ve always been a fan of Whitney Houston. Not a super crazed, super fan, but hey, I know talent when I see it. But last night was HER night. Her dress was FLAWLESS and I am dying to know who made it (and find a rich husband who could buy it for me). Her skin was perfection, and her voice sounded amazing. There was a long pause towards the end of her song where she had to collect herself because of all the emotion she was feeling. Some may say this was staged but I believed it to be genuine and it was awesome to witness.

There were 2 big controversies of the night, as I’m sure you’ve seen on all the blogs: Jennifer Lopez’s fall and Adam Lambert’s first performance as a solo artist. I’ll start with J-Lo: sweetie, if you’re going to lip synch, at least make it SOMEWHAT believable. Or have a dance performance of ‘Fly Girl’ proportions to distract from your horrendous faking.

But the trainwreck to end all trainwrecks was definitely the Adam Lambert performance. Let’s start with the song choice: as one of the gays I was sitting with so astutely put it, “I feel like I was watching the AMA’s and then he came on and suddenly I was in a production of ‘Wicked.’” WAY too show tune-y. The whole Freddie Mercury look he’s going for didn’t fit with that production in any way, shape, or form. We all know the scandalous moments: the imitated fellatio, the making out with the band member, and, at least from my view of the stage, at one point he looked like he was, ahem, fingering one of the lady dancers. NOT cute. Lambert’s defense this morning is that Madonna and Britney have done such scandalous things and nobody blinks an eye. Ok wait a second Mr. I Wear Too Much Eyeliner Because I Think It Makes Me Edgy: are you comparing yourself to Britney and MADONNA? Because let’s just stop right there. You are not, and will never be, as successful as those two women are. If you had had some kind of established career prior to this hot mess…well, not even hot, just mess….then maybe you would be more quickly forgiven. But to come off some hack reality show, a reality show you didn’t even WIN, and try THIS? Epic fail. And besides that, your performance was on ABC. A network owned by the family company of DISNEY. Do you really think it’s the same thing? Yes, everyone is talking about you, but most of the chatter is not good. It has nothing to do with you being gay or straight, it has to do with being tacky or not tacky. This was your debut on network television and you decided to piss off the executives? Somebody needs to go back to Showbiz 101. I’m told none of the risqué moves were shown in his rehearsal and the honchos at ABC are NOT happy.

Though the show ended on a bad note, (and seriously ABC, why put him last? Is Adam Lambert such a draw you think viewers will stick around to see HIM?) the rest of it was quite enjoyable. I love the AMA’s because they’re fun. It’s more about the performances than it is about the actual awards. Next up? The Grammy’s, where the REAL husband hunting can begin!