I Miss Writing To My Nigerian Pen Pals

Ever since Gift Clement stopped writing to me, I have felt an emptiness inside and so after lots of inner soul searching I decided to move on with my life and accept that the love Gift and I had for each other is gone now and that I need to find someone to replace her. Hello Francisca.

Here is the e-mail Francisca sent to me, and beneath it is my reply which I sent this morning. Hopefully we will hear back soon.


"Francisca Baciro Dabo"

Hello Dear

I know this mail will come to you as a surprise since we haven't known or come across each other before considering the fact that I sourced your email contact through the Internet in search of trusted person who can assist me urgently and save my life.

I am Francisca Baciro Dabo 24 years old female from the Republic of Guinea Bissau, the daughter of Late Mr Baciro Dabo. My late father was the former Defence Minister Helder Proenca and the presidential aspirant who was brutally killed on Friday 5Th June 2009 at 4 o’clock in the morning when he was sleeping with my mother by a group of unidentified gunmen who burst into their bed room. What led to the cold blood killing is still unclear but I know that my father life was the target.

I am constrained to contact you because of the maltreatment which I am receiving from my step mother. She planned to take away all my late father's treasury and properties from me since the unexpected death of my beloved Father. Meanwhile I wanted to travel to Europe, but she hide away my international passport and other valuable documents. Luckily she did not discover where I kept my father's File which contained important documents. Now I am presently staying in the Mission in Burkina Faso. I am seeking for long term relationship and investment assistance. My father of blessed memory deposited the sum of US$ 7.5 Million in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin. I had contacted the Bank to clear the deposit but the Branch Manager told me that being a refugee, my status according to the local law does not authorize me to carry out the operation. However, he advised me to provide a trustee who will stand on my behalf. I had wanted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but I am afraid that she will not offer me anything after the release of the money.

Therefore, I decide to seek for your help in transferring the money into your bank account while I will relocate to your country and settle down with you. As you indicated your interest to help me I will give you the account number and the contact of the bank where my late beloved father deposited the money with my name as the next of kin. It is my intention to compensate you with 20% of the total money for your assistance and the balance shall be my investment in any profitable venture which you will recommend to me as have no any idea about foreign investment. Please all communications should be through this email address only for confidential purposes.

Thanking you a lot in anticipation of your quick response. I will give you details in my next mail after receiving your acceptance mail to help me.

Yours sincerely
Francisca Baciro Dabo


Dear Francisca,

Your mail was not as big of a surprise as you might think. You see, I too am in a similar situation. Oh, my father was not killed while sleeping with my mother, but can I just tell you that as loud as he snores I am surprised my mom hasn’t killed him yet. I know it isn’t as dramatic as armed gunman storming your parents bedroom, but hey, you haven’t seen my mom when she is angry.

Speaking of moms, I am a little confused about yours. You said your mom and dad were killed in bed but that your step-mom is giving you a hard time. I guess your dad still had the hots for your mom huh? Well, I can see why he would, considering the nasty things your step mom is doing to you. Why are you living with her? I bet she has a DVR doesn’t she? Yeah, I know. You will put up with almost anything to have a DVR. I don’t know what people did before them. Well, I do know, because I am one of them, but still, I try and blank out tough portions of my life and pre-DVR it was pretty tough. Oh, there I go again. I know it isn’t as tough as you. I mean here you are in a different country trying to find someone to claim a few million dollars for you while your step-mom treats you like crap by hiding your passport and other documents. That is way rougher than anything I have ever heard before.

So, I noticed that you are interested in a relationship and that you want to move in with me. That is really nice of you to offer, but I have to warn you in advance that if you have any Jon Gosselin posters you want to hang on the wall, then it is out the door you go.

I guess I wait to hear back from you now? Yeah, lately that hasn’t worked out so well for me. Do you think it is because I am overweight? I know I should do something about it, but I can’t decide between Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers. Maybe I could do both of them. Double meals!

Have a great day.

Enty

P.S. Your e-mail has a New Zealand address. Do you know Peter Jackson? If you do, tell him that he better not f**k up Lovely Bones.