Ted C. Blind Items
OMG, two heterosexual Blind Vices in a row! What's the world coming to? And guess what? This installment, just like last week's horror, is also about a supposed lady-killer who just somehow finds himself not really able to follow through—in every sense of the word. Here's what went down, or rather, didn't:
Horace Hum-Brow likes to play up his slightly nebbish, dork-dude appeal. It's certainly worked for the sorta good-lookin' horndog in the past, as Horry bags babes (entirely of the female variety, no Toothy Tile-type here, for sure) all the time. So much so, these femmes don't really have time to compare notes; they're all so busy getting pissed about his all-too-often abrupt departures and then his requisite brush-offs thereafter. He's a real skank, this one.
But guess what? Horace's questionable bedroom MO is finally catching up with him! Some of his castoff gals have now convened, and guess what sexual failing Hum-Brow's exhibited for each babe in question? Well, it turns out...
Horace must still be oh-so excited about all the tail his boob-tube fame gets him because once he's entered his partners, that's where it all stops. Uh, what do you mean, exactly?
"He just goes in and parks," complained one pretty sweetheart who'd had the misfortune of having a brief affair with Mr. Hum-Brow, whose famous name is probably what reels in half his conquests. "I thought maybe it was just a one time thing," added our between-the-sheets source. "So I tried it again in the morning, and then bam! He parked again! Just goes in and doesn't do a damn thing. It's awful!"
Regardless of the circumstances of coitus frozenitis, this much is clear: HHB doesn't try to please his partner in any other fashion, either. He just sort of nonperforms and then gets outta there! Über-douche!
Jeez, bro, what's your prob? Premature ejaculation? Not really into girls after all but keep trying to convince yourself otherwise? Or are ya just doin' the typical male thing and not caring about your partner at all? In any case, don't think you're gonna have so many babes to disappoint pretty soon, 'cause they're all stating to blab...about time, too.
And It Ain't: Jeremy Piven, Jerry Ferrara, Kevin Connolly
Hmmm...all the "ain'ts" are from Entourage...!
ReplyDeleteThe clues sound like it's Steve Carrell, but I thought he was married . . .
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteAdrien Grenier?
ReplyDeleteZach Braff?
ReplyDeletelesliet I noticed the all Entourage Ain'ts too.
ReplyDeleteMaybe its Kevin Dillon -the syllables fit.
I think writeaway-22 is on to something. Zach Braff fits "his slightly nebbish, dork-dude appeal. It's certainly worked for the sorta good-lookin' horndog" PERFECTLY.
ReplyDeleteThe NOTS make me think Entourage, but Grenier doesn't fit the above description at all.
alex balwin.
ReplyDeleteadrien grenier
ReplyDeleteWho's a slightly nebbish sorta good-lookin' dork-dude who is on Entourage?
ReplyDeleteHow about Seth Green?
ReplyDeleteHe has a famous name. If he causes any friction, he might get an STD!
ReplyDeleteJohn Krasinski
ReplyDeleteI thought Zack Braff as well.
ReplyDeleteDavid Spade?
ReplyDeleteKevin Dillon--the "name" reference is cuz of his brother...maybe?
ReplyDeleteI thought David Spade as well.
ReplyDeleteZach Braff
ReplyDeleteWere any of these women at all vocal about it at the time? I know men who don't know the first thing about pleasing a woman (despite having had sex with a lot of people). Did any of these women suggest that *they* be on top and get a little movement going?
ReplyDeleteA woman who just lies there and doesn't say anything and then bitches about it behind the guy's back is a total cooz.
@Sarah, that's funny but so true!
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's because these women are so young. With Hollywood's youth fetish, what these guys gain in tautness, they might well be giving up in sexual confidence and skill. I mighta laid there too when I was 20. Now? No way! ;-P
seth green for sure
ReplyDeleteI'm sure I'm wrong, but Colin Hanks (Tom's son), is what first came to me.
ReplyDeleteIt's the "Hum-brow, dork-dude" and famous name remarks.
@figgy...you are so right about the takeover of youth and their lack of confidence which is masked by bravado and attitude!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I was just thinking that some of these women were probably faking it very loudly at the time, right? God, no wonder this guy has no skills, if all he has to go on are the porno-style fake orgasms of his partners. This poor guy probably thinks he's a huge stud who *can* make a woman come just by his mere presence.
either Hugh Grant or the "mac" guy - (that guy who was dating Drew Barrymore)
ReplyDeleteit's GOT to be justin long, the mac guy
ReplyDeletewhat about michael cera from arrested development? he is pretty new to the scene and a totall cheezy douche. i love the show too!
ReplyDeleteDidn't Michael Cera just recently break up with his girlfriend though? I originally thought him but this guy sounds like he's been single for a long while and Cera hasn't.
ReplyDeleteGross.
ReplyDeleteWell, if it IS Justin Long, how ironic, because he's "just in" pretty short, sounds like.
ReplyDeleteMichael Cera does NOT bag a lot of babes. Ew.
ReplyDeleteAs much as I'd looove this to be about Grenier, Braff is known for having been with a lot girls. The others, not so much.
andy samberg
ReplyDeleteseth green is a good guess because of his recurring role on entourage.
ReplyDeleteGuys, he says the dude's fame was 'boob-tube' = television.
ReplyDeleteNot Michael Cera and not Justin Long. (He is NOT just the Mac dude, he gets a lot of movies.)
I third the Kevin Dillon guess! The 'sorta good looking' and 'famous name' bits fit him to a t - he's always been thought of as the lesser Dillon, so I can imagine his groupies having a 'you'll do' approach. And, of course, all the 'ain'ts' are the rest of the supporting cast of Entourage. I think Fruzzy is Grenier, so it would make a certain sense Ted is getting a few stories at once from Entourage groupies.
ReplyDelete