As I do every week I read Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP site to see if I could find any of her pearls of wisdom to share with all of you. When I got to the newsletter portion all I saw was one sentence from Gwyneth and some recipes and the note that GOOP was going on vacation until September. Seriously? What am I going to do for the next three weeks without the site? Who is going to give me something to write about when no one has been arrested or made an ass of themselves?
Taking a three week vacation shortly after you have started a site doesn't seem like the best way to have someone take you seriously. It isn't like the people over at GOOP are working 24/7 to bring us that thing. Granted if any of them have to deal with Gwyneth on a daily basis they have probably been ready for a vacation since day one.
All I can hope for is that when Gwyneth comes back she can give us great tips like she did back in April when she said using shampoo causes cancer. Now I guess I know why her hair has that greasy look to it. Where else am I going to learn how to cook a chicken or see what people have wronged her over the last several years?
I can only hope that when she comes back she will have lots of new ideas to share with all of us like the body oil she slathers over herself after every bath. Homemade, but not by her. What is in it? Extra virgin coconut oil which she buys for just $500 a bottle. What? You mean you don't have any at your house? Nothing like going to bed smelling like a Mounds candy bar.
One of her tips that left me nearly blind was her three stage body scrub. First you clean your pores with Turbinado sugar and only Turbinado sugar. Nothing else will do. It is also the most expensive. Then you rub yourself down with some olive oil and top it all off by scrubbing ground coffee into your skin. What she doesn't say is not to touch your eyes during any of this process. There I am a fat, sticky tiramisu going blind. Not fun.
I had not energy left to rub it all off with a honey and oatmeal mix and then clean myself off with aloe. The sad thing is she probably does this every night. I hope she has plastic sheets.
lol at you fat sticky tiramisu. I think we have a new nickname for ya enty.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could take 3 week vacation.
tiramisu
ReplyDeletevery funny ENT
she is the holiest of holes
She's got it all wrong. She should hang out with Ass-ton Kutcher and he could explain to her that if she just donated her beauty regimen to charity, world hunger would be solved.
ReplyDeleteI bought a bottle of extra virgin coconut oil for $11. I wionder what mine is missing since it was $489 less than hers.
ReplyDeleteAre you serious? She actually said that stuff. How did I miss that???
ReplyDeleteENTY...DON'T USE GROUND COFFEE.....THAT'S WHY GOOPIE HAS NO CELLULITE AND THE REST OF US DO...
ReplyDeleteMaybe while GOOP is on vacation, some readers will send in their imagined-GOOP tips, for example, laundering clothes with Russian caviar, saffron, and crushed macadamians.
ReplyDeleteomg, lol @ "fat, sticky tiramisu"! i love you, truly.
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ReplyDeletetiramisu ...hilarious!
ReplyDeleteThat's why she's thin. She wears her food instead of injesting it like the NORMAL folks.
Gwennie, the food goes into that big hole in your head that usually spouts stupid things. Thank you.
Mooshki - I think you're going to have to photoshop something so we can get a visual on the tiramisu thing ;)
ReplyDeleteToo bad there isn't a way for her to post updates from where she is traveling to...
ReplyDeleteShe could get an iPhone if she was smart.
ReplyDeleteLOL@Mounds candy bar
She's going on vacation from *what*?
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ReplyDeleteWasnt this a blind about goo and plastic sheets?
ReplyDeleteOK, I've enough of a beauty products slut to know that the basic idea of the scrub works, but it sounds as if she's doing way too much at one time--if you did that much scrubbing in one fell swoop, you wouldn't have any skin left! For a proper body scrub: first, take a nice warm bath or shower to soften your skin up. Then, you stand up/turn the spray off and scrub yourself down with straight-up salt or sugar (sea salt from the natural foods store if you're fancy, plain old table salt or white sugar if you're not--turbanado sugar comes in bigger crystals that would be way too harsh for your skin, more natural or not!). If you're trying to recreate that whole "spa scrub" experience, then mix your abrasive of choice w/a bit of oil (whatever you like as long as it's not mineral oil) & a few drops of essential oil, but if it's serious exfoliation you're going for, use the stuff straight. Rinse off well (if you're taking a bath, I say either drain & refill the tub or stand under the shower for a moment), THEN, if you didn't do the oily scrub bit, dry off & rub a small amount of oil into your skin. Coffee grounds works pretty much the same, except you concentrate your scrubbing efforts on your cellulite & only oil up after the final rinse. Honey & oatmeal: same deal as coffee grounds, but used all over unless you're rather hairy, in which case you might discover sugaring hair removal the very hard & painful way. YEEEOUCH!
ReplyDeleteIt almost makes me wonder if she gave the instructions the way she did just to snicker at the number of people who'd end up ripping off their epidermises (epidermi?). Sheesh... On the other hand, if she does do it exactly this way AND doesn't rinse off properly (because honestly, the only thing that you should leave on your skin out of all this is the aloe vera gel, & that should dry fairly quickly), then yes, she would need plastic sheets, unless she's the Mariah of 500-count sheets...
One more thing: plain coconut oil doesn't really smell like much of anything, much less coconut--I suspect the smell mainly comes from coconut milk, which is made using the grated flesh of the coconut. If you want the coconut scent in your body oil, though, you'll just have to bite the bullet & get some coconut-scented not-really-essential-because-it's-probably-artificially-scented oil to add. It can be found surprisingly cheaply at Trader Joe's or any decent Indian/Thai/southeast Asian grocery store catering to immigrants, so you don't NEED to spend a shitload of money to get greased up...OK, I'll shut up now. ;-)
ReplyDeleteRobin the Mad Photographer,
ReplyDeleteYou should really film yourself doing this and post it here or else we might not do it correctly, I'd hate to see someone over-abrade.
I picture her reclining on a divan, (one that can be power-washed, I guess) nibbling peeled grapes and ringing a small silver bell to summon different handmaidens for each phase: Sugar Wench, Oil Girl and Coffee Grinder.
ReplyDeleteThanks Robin! The coffee contains the caffeine which I believe tightens skin.
ReplyDeleteI've read that Vanity Fair - Sept issue - has a funny take on Goop.
ReplyDeleteAnonMom, it took me a while, but here you go.
ReplyDeleteMooshki, that pic is the absolute best. It should be the Big Man's new Facebook link! Thanks for the laugh!
ReplyDeleteFunny post on Gwynnie and funny comments too!
ReplyDeleteand that's why she's called "goopy"
ReplyDeleteTO: Robin the Mad Photographer - If you ever develop a line of beauty products, plug them on CDAN and we will all buy. Or at least I will.
ReplyDeleteTO: Enty... thank you thank you for suffering through GOOP and calling out GP's banality. Please don't stop... I want you to be derail her delusional plans of being the next Oprah. The world deserves better! GOOP must be stopped!
i would bang her, coconut oil and coffee or not
ReplyDeleteokay, basically, this thread has made me hungry.
ReplyDelete@ moosh: BRAVA!!!!