Jessica Biel Naked Goes Straight To DVD
When the pictures surfaced last week of Jessica Biel naked in her new movie Powder Blue, I figured someone had convinced her that being naked in the movie would do for her career what it did for Halle Berry when she filmed a topless scene. Umm, the difference is that Halle just needed a career boost and not acting classes. Actually I don't even think acting classes can save Jessica.
So, Jessica trained and trained for her role as a stripper and took off her clothes and was probably expecting this huge money making blockbuster, and instead she has a straight to DVD flop that will probably be discounted 50% right from the start. Oh, that sounds just like Jessica Simpson. I think Jessica Biel should release it in Russia so it can be number one there.
Meanwhile, Jessica is probably set to fire her agent or manager or whoever convinced her this would be a good idea. Sure, apparently she trained with so many strippers and had so much one on one time that she actually became good enough to be a professional stripper. That certainly is a fallback position. I'm trying to think of when portraying a stripper has worked out for an actress. Demi Moore? It took a long time for her to recover from Striptease. Lindsay Lohan? That was the death knell of her "career." Elizabeth Berkeley? Have you seen her in much since Showgirls? I think whoever convinced Jessica to do it just wanted to see her naked and so said she should do the movie.
I think the three Jessicas should get together and make a movie. By the three Jessicas I mean Simpson, Biel and Alba. If you consistently put all three of them in one movie then they can't ruin any other movies. Plus, if you are a fan of them you still get to see them in movies probably no worse than the ones they already make. They could do a bunch of buddy movies or really bad Charlies Angels rip off movies or some kind of Three Stooges parody.
I think that is a much better idea than continuing to cast them individually in movies thinking the movies are going to be great. Producers need to remember that just because someone is a famous actress doesn't mean they got famous because of their acting.
I used to be a fan of Biel, mostly for pissing off the 7th Heaven folks, but the constant bitch-face she wears now has turned me off completely.
ReplyDeletei'm upset that forest whitaker's name is attached to this movie.
ReplyDeletethe only way i'd watch that trifecta was if they remade Heathers and called it Jessicas.
ReplyDeleteoh my god....awesome.
But Jax, none of these girls is half as interesting as Shannen Doherty. I'd go see that movie, though. :)
ReplyDeleteTimes it worked out:
ReplyDeleteMarisa Tomei in The Wrestler and Natalie Portman in Closer.
It will take a lot more than titty flashing to save JB's career.
Wasn't Elizabeth Shue a stripper in Leaving Las Vegas? My brain is fried, I can't remember....
ReplyDeleteQuint, I agree! When I saw Forest Whitaker's name there, I wondered how he and/or his agent could have made such a mistake.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, this won't hurt his career. He's already so well-established as a true talent that it'll just be a blip.
Marisa Tomei was awesome in THe Wrestler.
ReplyDeletewenx - hooker
ReplyDeleteand Salma Hayek, From Dusk Till Dawn
ReplyDeleteSalma Hayek in Dogma also. Guess she was born to strip!
ReplyDeleteJillian, with that body, yes, she sure was! ;)
ReplyDeleteQuint, I agree with you. It's a shame that Forest Whitaker's name is attached to this movie. He deserves better.
ReplyDeleteI thought Elizabeth Shue was a hooker in Leaving Las Vegas? God, what a depressing movie that was.
ReplyDeleteI think the three Jessicas in one movie would be great for people who confuse the two brown haired Jessicas.
When will these girls learn that it's being a HOOKER that will get you somewhere. Sharon Stone, Mira Sorvino, Julia Roberts all did it. And Dogma is a great movie.
ReplyDeleteI think it is more having talent & be interesting will get you somewhere. I find all 3 Jessicas not overly interesting or talented.
ReplyDeleteBiel should play a transexual. She's got the look for it and if she can manage to act at all, it's a likely oscar nod.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget about Chris Farley as a Chippendale on SNL. I don't think that turn as a stripper hurt his career one bit!
ReplyDeleteI LOVE WHEN THE BLOGS CALL HER SEXY...YES RIGHT ALONG WITH KATIE HOLMES....UGH
ReplyDeleteBeauty is in the eye of the beholder.
ReplyDeleteI like her figure...I have a similar figure ( i don't have her ass though but I'm sure if I tried to do 200 sits up a day within a year I could get something close) and it is nice to see someone who is well-built in the industry and not someone who is super skinny with no muscle tone.
I just think in general it is harder for women to get decent roles that doesn't involve playing the slut, stripper, mother, lawyer, virgin, and someone with issues.
Just shows you that Biel, Alba, and Simpson are all Bimbos. They don't think with their head they think with their boobs LOL.
ReplyDeleteIT'S NOT THE BODY...IT'S THE FACE...SHE'S LIKE A GUY....
ReplyDeletedogma is one of my favorite movies of all time. of course it is, it's one of kevin smith's.
ReplyDeletedemi moore ruined a perfectly good carl hiaasen novel.
this, however, is hilarious.
This may likely be Patrick Swayze's last ever movie. Too bad he couldn't have had one last big premiere. Way to go Biel.
ReplyDeleteIn Elizabeth Berkeley's defense, she's on CSI Miami pretty frequently now. I'd say she's not *that bad* of an actress, but pretty much anyone looks like Oscar material next to David fucking Caruso (although I am a total sucker for Horatio's horrible, horrible one-liners.)
ReplyDeleteall of those jessicas are hot ... i would like to see a flick with all of em ... we just find them annoying because they are overexposed, and well, annoying ... in the old days there wasnt 24 hour coverage and daily pics of starlets saturated so you get sick of seeing their beauty
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