An Open Letter To Portia de Rossi
Dear Portia,
I just saw your interview in Ladies Home Journal and it scared me. Sure, I know that you are scared that I even know what Ladies Home Journal is, let alone read it. I do though. When you live with your parents, you read things like LHJ. I also reading Redbook and Good Housekeeping too. Anyway, that is beside the point.
I read in your interview that you were thinking of giving up acting to spend more time at home with Ellen. Hey, I think that's great and I think you make a great couple. Much better than that person you used to date, and we won't even talk about Ellen and Anne. She's a bit of a nut isn't she? We will just keep it between us. Nod if she is. That's what I thought.
Part of what makes the two of you such a great couple is that you both work and love what you are doing. You both have interests outside of your relationship which is good. I know that the two of you have more money right now than just about anyone in the world and so you don't really need to work, but this whole farming thing doesn't sound like the best idea.
"I don't need to be on camera. I'm not a workaholic. I love to spend time with my wife, my family, my animals.We're looking for the right place to have a farm. Someplace like Massachusetts or Nantucket, with seasons. We could get an 1800s farmhouse with land and rescue animals. Then I'm done."
OK, great. Look. I am all for that and I will even chip in and get you some chickens or goats or whatever you want. You can make your own goat cheese or whatever you want, but you have to do me one favor before you retire from acting.
I don't think I have ever asked you for a favor. Sure, in my mind I have wanted you to do more nude scenes in your movies, but I have kept that to myself. Hey, you should feel flattered. If you weren't with Ellen, I think she would have the very same thoughts as me so don't think it is just a guy thing and try and make me feel guilty.
One favor I would really like to ask is this. Do NOT retire before you make the damn Arrested Development movie. It is bad enough that all of us have to live with Michael Cera and his petty demands and bad mouthing the show and doing everything he can to sabotage the movie, but we really don't need him. They could just have a cardboard cut out of him and move it from scene to scene. But, you, dear, dear Portia, the movie cannot be made without you. I don't want you pretending you are going to retire or being wishy washy about it. We know you don't need the money, but we, the world, need you in that movie and that movie only. Oh, and maybe a few sequels. Two or three tops. So, what do you say? You do the movie and I will being you the goat.
EL
