You Have Got To Be Kidding Me
I never thought I would see the day where Gwyneth Paltrow would be shilling some kind of weight loss thing. No, it's not a product or anything like that. It is just her newsletter. She has written her guide to losing holiday pounds. She hates how much weight she has gained and wants to share with you, the people of the world how she is going to shed her excess weight and you can follow along. Umm, excuse me. She needs to gain about 30 pounds and get herself up to a size zero. Is she seriously trying to convince us that she is overweight? What in the hell is she trying to say to the rest of the women in the world? I don't think she even had an excess pound when she was pregnant.
"I need to lose a few pounds of holiday excess. Anyone else? I like to do fasts and detoxes a couple of times during the year, the most hardcore one being the Master Cleanse I did last spring. It was not what you would characterize as pretty. Or easy."
If I could talk to her right now I would actually ask her if she was sane. I would be shocked if she weighs over 100 pounds and is bigger than a size zero and she wants to tell the rest of the world about how she needs to lose weight. WTF?
Oh. Want to know how she proposes to lose the excess weight? Not just by eating less and exercising. Nope, she is basically giving up every food known to man.
She is cutting out dairy, grains with gluten, meat, shellfish, anything processed, fatty nuts, potatoes, tomatoes, peppers and eggplant, condiments, sugar and alcohol, caffeine or soda.
Umm, what the hell is left? Water
A few years ago she said that she hired two macrobiotic chefs to cook for her. I doubt that she eats more than water anyway.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't she have a cooking show with Mario Battali? Looking at him up close should make her lose the will to eat.
I can't believe she admitted that she poos!
ReplyDeleteMaybe she could get Jessica Simpson to do her cooking for her?
she must think an actress never is too thin or too stupid!
ReplyDeleteShe's ridiculous. Random: Anyone ever notice how every chick Brad has gone out with is a stick?
ReplyDeleteInstead of losing weight she should do something about her boobs LOL.
ReplyDeleteShe is a female douchebag. Condescending in that, "I'm only trying to help you, darling!" kind of way. "If you could only have the willpower, talent, money, not to mention perfection, that I am enjoying on a daily basis and you are not. It's sad, really."
ReplyDeleteIf only I could reach her boney ass in London with my boyfriend's hip-waders, I'd shove them up her ass and out her throat.
The entitled, self-important, role-model aura is hovering over her like *smug*
ReplyDeleteYou sound like a chick today Enty, no offense. I agree 1000%.
Oh, and I'm hormonal today so please forgive my rantiness.
ReplyDeleteFor her, having these dietary restrictions probably isn't much of a sacrifice. She doesn't seem like the kind of person that has ever really enjoyed anything. Especially food.
ReplyDeleteI think we're all missing a critical point, although I agree with Enty entirely. WTF is she doing with a newsletter? A newsletter? Really?
ReplyDeletesylvia, no shit!! wtf....
ReplyDeletebut at least they're hers. i think.
oh haayyy i got that newsletter.
ReplyDeleteits for GOOP.
her fucking sucky bad website.
but yeah i did the master cleanse this summer with my bff. BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE. i honestly felt so nasty the first like 5 days.
Forgive you Twunty?!? NEVER! !
ReplyDeleteRanting is where it's at babe.
Why doesn't she just take her yearly shit into 2 plastic bags, get them inserted in her boobage area where her tata's should be...and voila!
Then she can go back to being a shitty actress and quit talking out loud.
god, shes the bitch asking you if you should haven ordered those freis at lunch.
ReplyDeletewe all know one.
norah, i've never done a cleanse but i've read that's your body getting rid of all the toxins. it's herxheimer reaction.
ReplyDeleteShe's been touting her lifestyle of luxurious deprivation for years. If you want to hate her even more, PLEASE read this:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.dailycandy.com/everywhere/article/15172/The+Gwyneth+Way+of+Doing+Things
I'm serious. This was back in 2000, but you can see she's still the same insufferable self-righteous twat.
Christine, I was thinking the same thing while reading this... Queenie Qwynnie writes a newsletter?? How middle class of her.
ReplyDeleteayesha - this is classic!
ReplyDeleteFavorite dry cleaners: “I don’t know where she takes the dry cleaning.”
sounds like some of the women in my neighborhood. gag me!
Okay, here are the highlights (I took out the boring stuff that doesn't illustrate her twattiness):
ReplyDeleteFrom August 17, 2000 Daily Candy:
________________________________
Gwyneth Paltrow’s Favorite Things
Okay, so we can’t all look like her.
We can’t all have a personal assistant (with a mellifluous British accent) running about town fetching us things.
But we can appreciate New York City the way sweet Gwynnie does.
....
Favorite dry cleaners: “I don’t know where she takes the dry cleaning.”
Favorite place to nosh: Sacred Chow. “I love it for all the wheat-free goodies, wheat-free banana nut bread.” 522 Hudson Street, between 10th and Charles Streets (212-337-0863).
Favorite coffee spot: “I don’t drink coffee.”
Favorite delivery service: Urban Organic (718-499-4321).
Favorite shoes: Manolos for dressy; Birkenstocks for everyday.
Chocolate: “I haaaaate chocolate.”
Candy: “I don’t eat candy.”
_______________________
See what I mean?
I.hate.this.person.
ReplyDeletePersonally, if I could do a Master Cleanse to rid myself of obnoxious, useless, talentless hacks, and then bottle it for resale, I'd make billions.
As if she wears Birkenstocks. I do want to have birds peck her eyes out. Whatever. I still wish everyone referred to her as fishstick as Ted use to.
ReplyDeletehaha is that real, Ayesha? My God, I can't believe I'm about to say this but poor Chris Martin. How much would it suck to be Apple and Moses..
ReplyDeleteCrikey she's full of herself. I agree that Brad has consistently gone for the same type - skinnier then hell but with obese sized egos.
ReplyDeletetwunty mcslore-
ReplyDeleteI think we just came up with something.
She's a Douchebaguette
(especially b/c a baguette is a long, thin loaf of french bread. awesome)
she said the same bullshit a few years back, then was a guest on a food show and ordered a burger at her favorite eatery.
ReplyDeleteany friend of madonnas......
I'm on her newsletter list for the lolz and after reading every sentence you've written here Enty, I was nodding or saying "damn right".
ReplyDeleteShe's hilarious, in a way she doesn't mean, but there are those vapid tarts who will swallow what she "writes" whole.
Also, why would she put on weight to go to her boobs? She just did what Vadge did and got herself a boob job, apparently.
You forget, Enty, that there's thin and then there's "Hollywood thin". In that warped mirror she probably is a bit chunky.
ReplyDeleteI miss the good ol' Marilyn Monroe days when famous women had meat on their bones.
ReplyDeleteWhat does Gwennie have coming up? I mean, she is not so unselfish as to come up with this GOOP-y crap (which has backfired in a horrific way).
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking something bigger than a movie, smaller than death (but starts with the letter "d").
I just wonder what he hell she is gonna be like when she ages some. I see this chick hunched over like a pill bug about the time she turns 50. Love to see a bone scan on this bimbo. Swiss Cheese ahoy!
ReplyDeleteHer annoying-ness has driven me out of lurkdom.
ReplyDeleteShe is so annoying, she's not a good actress, she's just a nepotist, snotty, goopy (wtf is that?) beeeotch!
Marisa, that's perfect! I bow down to the new word and pledge to use it whenever neccessary.
ReplyDelete"She is cutting out dairy, grains with gluten, meat, shellfish, anything processed, fatty nuts, potatoes, tomatoes, peppers and eggplant, condiments, sugar and alcohol, caffeine or soda."
ReplyDeleteumm, how fucking boring can you get?? The ONLY way the celebritites get to stay so freakin thin is a) they don't eat (doh) b) take copious amounts of drugs and c) they all have a personal chef and dietician to do all the work for them. Do you think Gwyneth has ever cooked a meal in her life? i highly doubt she's even cooked for her kids, she should try doing it for a week and see how excited she is by the end of it... my husband is ceoliac (gluten intolerent) and i can tell you it's bloody hard work sometimes getting food on the table evry night. If i had to cut out anything else i think i'd go insane! But, all she sees is the finished meal on her plate..... i've never been a huge fan of Ms Paltrow's and now i dislike her even more.
God. If I had a dollar for EVERY WOMAN in my life who talks incessantly -- and negatively -- about caloric intake, I could finally buy a goddamn Mini Cooper. Someone needs to slap this scrawny plank of a woman across her flat face, for reals. It's one thing to be insanely pretentious in your personal life, but the audacity of coming up with a BLOG that details your freaky FASTING TIPS is just redonkulous -- especially when there's absolutely no way in hell that your 5'9" or so frame has more than 130 lbs resting on it.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I'm lucky in that I've never had to struggle with my weight. I eat whatever the hell I want. If I drink too much alcohol, it goes straight to my face, but that really hasn't happened since, um, college. If anything, I wouldn't mind gaining five to ten pounds, because I know that I'd just look a little fuller, if anything, and I think that skinny women look like shit. And that's my point. Sorry, but they don't age well at ALL. There's no fat to help cushion wrinkles! No collagen! And skinny women who actively strive to MAINTAIN their skinnyness (and attempt to empathize with women who seriously DO struggle with their diets and cravings or whatever) are the ultimate douchebaguettes of all. Gwyneth is looking gaunt as hell. YOU LOOK LIKE CRAP, GWYNETH. NOT EATING IS NOT WORKING FOR YOU.
And there's nothing wrong with having tiny ones, but when your diamond-sharp clavicle forms actual shadows on your chest, it's PROBABLY time to put down the carrot/spirulina slop juice and eat a goddamn sandwich. Especially if you're RICH and can eat whatever the hell you want at any hour any day of the week. Must be nice.
Marisa, I really do love you so, so, SO much right now. Any word with "douche" as a prefix is a friend of mine, and "douchebaguette" shall now replace "douchenozzle" in my lexicon. Many, many thanks!
Some people are members of the Church of Scientology. I am a follower of the Church Of Ernestine.
ReplyDeleteAmen, sister. Amen.
Awww! Thanks, Harriet. :-) It's really more of a cult than a church, though. Both Scientology and my own belief system, I mean.
ReplyDeleteThat post seriously made me hungry. I'm gonna eat a frozen pizza and a bigass King Kone!
You'd love her "lifestyle" website GOOP!
ReplyDeletei would imagine her newsletter goes like this:
ReplyDeletethrow up, wipe, done
i never understood the fascination with her...she is not pretty..its amazing how anyone with access to peroxide is suddenly "gorgeous"...and those tits...she looks like she gave birth to puppies...yuck
douchebaguette....
ReplyDeletepriceless!
Oh sweet lord, can she just STFU? As the mother of two girls, this just chaps me to no friggin' end. Her poor daughter. What a trainwreck for a mother.
ReplyDeleteI suppose she was a shoe-in
ReplyDeletefor Iron Man 2. Rats.Definitely a casting brain fart in that movie.
Close your eyes for a moment
and visualize a real looking woman like Drew Barrymore in the sidekick role in the 1st one.
Someone you actually imagine RDJ
being attracted to.
Maybe its not too late for Terrence Howard to give her contract negotiation lessons.
ernestine, have an extra slice for me! i wish i could eat frozen pizza everyday!
ReplyDeleteand somebody make up tee shirts for the cult of ernestine! i'd sign up!!!
Ernestine, you are correct that fat is what HELPS women age gracefully. I think Zsa-Zsa Gabor said it best, "As a woman, you have to choose between your fanny or your face. I chose my face."
ReplyDeleteGwynneth will soon look very haggard, much like her BFF Madonna, if she keeps up the hardcore diet. Plus embracing extreme food restrictions like this indicates a severe emotional problem with food. Poor Apple is going to have body image issues soon, if she doesn't already.
@christine
ReplyDeleteshe looks haggard NOW!!!!!!
im no psychic, but i have a strong feeling she and the muppet she's married to will be the next with a one way ticket to splitsville...
Can't. Breathe. For. Laughing!! You guys crack me up... totally agree with all of the above. I was terribly, terribly skinny in my late teens/early twenties due to a eating disorder and i can tell you from experience that at 22 i looked more like 40 - not good. As Gwynnie herself says she fasts twice a year - is that the actions of a well-adjusted individual? or is it more akin to someone with deep-seeded emotional and psychological issues which stem from growing up in Hollywood and being married to possibly one of the most unattractive, not to mention unpleasant, people in the public eye... who, allegedly, is boning a rather curvey Londoner. Unfortunately, though when you're in the grips of such a terrible eating disorder you don't think properly to the point where you think that having 2rice cakes is more than enough food for one day, thank you very much. Trust.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteAccording to Lainey (too lazy to look up the link) she did have a boob job...very small and subtle implants. Which leads me to think it was pretty much a huge waste of money. A sandwich and a few tubs of ice cream would have accomplished the same thing.
ReplyDeleteI get the GOOP newsletter, too. There are times when I really think I should unsubscribe but then I'd miss a good laugh at all the pretentiousness. (Is that a word?)
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I tried is the glass of room temperature lemon water. It gave me the sensation I had to pee every half hour.
I love it when she does the clothes, though - her "pieces" are still fairly pricey but we all know she wouldn't be caught dead in something so cheap.
lmao - why would people who hate g.p. sign up for her newsletter? i wouldn't want her anywhere near my mailbox and i don't hate her.
ReplyDeletein her defense, nobody else is thin but has to diet after the holidays? i'm thin and i always pack on three or four pounds from all the parties and eating, so i end up staring january cutting back the calories for a couple of weeks. don't tell me i'm the only one not saying no to christmas cookies!
Pfffft.....who cares? I just finished my dinner of steamed snow peas & garlic/basil/butter noodles. She can bite my bootylicious size 8 ass.
ReplyDeleteFact - men prefer women that aren't a bag o'antlers. Someone needs to tell her that. Oh wait....the "normal" chick Chris will leave her for within the next 5 years should solidify that fact.
I think she looks great most of the time, but that doesn't mean she isn't totally annoying. she seems totally obsessed with keeping her looks and figure, like it's the most important thing in her life. maybe it is...
ReplyDeletei have heard about this londoner fling of chris' before, who is she? How well known is that relationship?
ReplyDelete"... the most hardcore one being the Master Cleanse..."
ReplyDeleteYou bet your nonexistent ass it's hardcore, chickie. The inventor was convicted of felony murder and felony practicing medicine without a license for promoting the Master Cleanse as a cure all along with his other wack treatments.
Ya, water and edamame like Posh's diet...
ReplyDeletewell as i sit here eating my Wendy's Double cheeseburger, with fries/gravy and coke - I say F-U Paltry faced Biotch...i 'd rather eat my food and have a personality any day......at least Oprah looks like she gained weight...you ...oh i see it now went straight to your over inflated EGO to think anyone gives a crap about you !!!
ReplyDeleteMMMM burger so good
I see her as more of a douchebaggé, as she is quite tall. Perhaps her chronic case of high self-esteem is what keeps her so svelte. Or else she's nicking her children's Ritalin and using it as a weight management tool.
ReplyDelete'Scuse me. I need to go sign up for her newsletter.
I think Gwynnie just revealed why she collapsed and was hospitalized last year -- she admits on her website that drinking lemon water made her hallucinate -- so she was starving herself to extreme.
ReplyDeleteNot surprising...
oh my god you guys, i JUST saw this ad for a "traveling cooking show" where fishsticks travels to spain and cooks with some chef there, and the promo is full of her rolling her eyes in delight going "mmmhh" and the tag line is "two excellent chefs meet in spain" or something like that... thought you would enjoy that image.
ReplyDelete