Happy Anniversary Tom & Katie

Dear Tom & Katie,

It's hard to believe it's been two years and 500 auditing sessions since the two of you walked down the aisle in Italy. Two years of living on separate floors, while pretending to have the romance of the century has to be difficult. You would think that with your prolonged absences from each other this year that you would want to spend some quality time alone on your anniversary. Maybe Tom would dress you up as his favorite superhero and you would have hot passionate monkey sex all night. But no. Instead you did what any couple celebrating your anniversary would do, you had the kids over and played the Scientology version of Trivial Pursuit. Aaah, good times.

Over the past two years you have seen both of your careers go into the toilet but it has not let you stop pretending otherwise. Sure, Katie has been forced to take the fourth lead in a Broadway play, but Tom has that big Christmas spectacular coming out and with the advance reviews, I'm sure that movie has a chance to at least pay for that autographed first edition of Dianetics.

For people who really don't have much of a career, you sure do get photographed a lot. I myself am guilty of showing your photos more than I probably should simply because I think your daughter is adorable. I say your daughter, but I'm really not sure about that whole thing. I can't wait until she is old enough and then have her provide a DNA sample, because I'm just dying to know. I figure at some point she will go through some kind of teenage rebellion phase and that will be the perfect chance.

But, this is not about her, this is about your love for each other. I have never seen a couple pose so much for the cameras together in public. It's almost like you really want the world to show us you are together. Always wearing matching clothes with your arms around each other. From the looks of things you have never had a fight. Considering you probably only see each other during a photo opportunity, that is probably why you don't fight. I've always been curious about what you would fight over. Do you have a copy of the alleged contract on your refrigerator door and refer to it when you fight. "It says here I only have to pretend to like you three days a week, so I don't have to do four."

Katie, it seems like you really don't get out much. Oh sure you walk the 20 feet from your apartment door to the car and back again each day, but when is the last time you went out with someone other than Tom or one of the bodyguards? We never see you at lunch in New York, just laughing with friends. That can't be a good thing. The only time you are out with friends, it is always another couple, of an equally appropriate Hollywood stature and you are all smiles. How about just going out and getting hammered one night and letting the pap catch you?

Anyway, it has been two years and I'm sure you are both ecstatic to have made it this long. Congratulations.