I Don't Think Gift Clement Is Real

For those of you who were readers of the site last year, you are probably familiar with my torrid romance with Gift Clement. Sure, she could be a little flaky, and sure, it was just e-mails, but I could feel the passion in each one of them. Yeah, I know, she was in love with me, but my photo was of Ted Casablanca, but I think our love would have survived such a lie. It was a true, unrequited love. A love like no other that anyone has ever had with an e-mail scammer. Or at least I thought so. See, the other day I got another e-mail from Gift. Sure, it had been awhile, but I thought that maybe she realized what we had and decided to return to my arms. I know, I know. Now that she has given away her fortune, we would be poor, but I figured true love would conquer all. Turns out though that Gift may have been just playing me for a fool all along. Why you ask? Well the letter she sent me is almost identical to the one she sent me a year ago. I will spare you her e-mail. If you want to read one almost identical, just click on her label and you can read about our love and romance. Here though is my e-mail back to her.

Dearest Gift,

It has been ages since I have heard from you. I was worried that your former in-laws may have finally succeeded in killing you. I'm grateful you are still alive and that you somehow manage to evade them despite being bedridden in a hospital. I was not only shocked to hear from you, but even more so that you still have not given away the fortune of your deceased husband.

We could have done so much with that money. Do you know how much good we could have done with it. Not really the good you probably intended since you wanted it to go to churches or to charities, but it would have made me feel good, and really isn't that what is important. Oh sure, I would have given a few dollars here and there to the Campaign To Eradicate Paris Hilton or the Denise Richards Dog Foundation, but primarily it would have gone to making sure I was happy and you had the best 24/7 hospital care that $18.47 a month can get.

The last I heard from you was that you were traveling through India. I pictured you rolling through the streets of Delhi in your hospital bed as hundreds of people looked to you for a few dollars or kind words. I admit that I was jealous. I thought you had found some other person to share in your multi-million dollar fortune. Oh, how I was jealous. But, because I know you have a good heart and would never try and take something that belonged to others I was happy for you and your new boyfriend. Did he love you like I did? It's ok. You can tell me. I have moved on.

I know, I know. If you were thinking that perhaps we could rekindle our romance, I must tell you that I met a woman from the Ivory Coast who has $14M she inherited from a long lost uncle. All she needed was my bank account information, my photo and my full name and now she is going to share that money with me. I know this might seem callous of me, but she does have twice as much money as you, and because she is not confined to a hospital bed or being hunted down by relatives, I thought it would be a little easier on me. Plus, honestly she is in her 80's and so is likely to not be around for much longer. You on the other hand seem to have an ability to stay alive despite all your infirmities.

I see from your e-mail you have moved to Somalia. I hear it is lovely place, if you have a gun and a certain sense of adventure. I admire your spirit and your spunk. I want you to take care of yourself Gift. Think of me often, and remember to take the safety off before you start firing.

All my love,

Ted