I told myself that I would never actually devote the time necessary to actually write a post about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, but honestly, they wasted about 10 minutes of my life this morning that I will never get back, and I feel as if I owe them one. They were guests on Ryan Seacrest's show this morning as I drove to work. I live close to work and so don't spend a great deal of time listening to Ryan. I try and time it on Mondays so I can listen to him make a big deal about how straight he is and how many ladies he hit on over the weekend, and then usually an interview. Today it was Speidi.
Now, you can't go to any event in LA without running into the couple. It is impossible. You could go to the grand opening of a coffee shop run by people who speak no English and Speidi will be there smiling for cameras and then moving on to the next stop. They literally do this all day and night from what I can tell.
Anyway, I don't watch The Hills, so maybe they have discussed this before which is why I need your help. Oh, but before I get there, Heidi is going to record a Christian album as soon as possible because she has a message she wants to get out to everyone and she is filled with the spirit of the Lord. She just did pop to try and get a foothold. Well, they played her new song "Overdosing" which is totally a Christian title by the way, and I listened to about ten seconds of it, pulled to the side of the road and cried because I knew that I had reached the lowest possible moment of my life and that anything after that would be a positive experience.
So, back to the point of this post. Oh, wait. One more thing. Spencer Pratt is convinced that when he and Heidi get married live on television it will be bigger than American Idol. Uh huh. Well, considering that contractually it will be on MTV, it will be impossible to achieve a rating as high as American Idol, but thanks for playing anyway.
Now, Heidi starts going off about being a Christian and leading a Christian life and how Spencer just wants to marry her so he can have sex with her because she is saving herself for marriage and Spencer is saving himself for some cute boy from West Hollywood. No, not really. As far as you know. Anyway, in the world that is Heidi and Spencer, they sleep together every night, in the same bed, and Spencer says they place pillows between them so they don't touch.
So, here is my question. First you have to suspend all disbelief about Heidi Montag and just pretend she is being truthful about being a virgin. So, is it ok to live with someone, and sleep in the same bed as long as you don't have sex? Then it isn't a sin? Is it only a sin on the nights you do have sex, and then all the other nights it's like summer camp? I'm kind of fuzzy on the whole math thing here so if someone would take the time to give me a lesson in theological doctrine when it comes to the whole living together/not having sex thing, I would appreciate it.
Didn't Brittany try this before and it didn't work? Like a virgin yeah!!
ReplyDeleteI think these two are basically like two living, breathing Sweet Valley High characters -- only not nearly as interesting or two-dimensional as people like Jessica Wakefield or Bruce Patman. Yes. I DO remember their names. I have a freakish mindhold on useless shit. Don't even test me on Babysitter's Club trivia, because you'll just be left in the dust and you'll make me hate myself.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, it's pathetic that they're famous at all. They're not even creative or talented enough to be BAD at something. They're just THEMSELVES and they're universally hated for it. I can't imagine being either one of them. It makes me proud to be me, cheesy as that sounds.
ohh...what were their names? Kristie, Claudia.....Mallory? Dawn was from California
ReplyDeleteI know someone who, as a grad student, "tutored" Spencer and his sister, Stephanie, and have heard stories about their bottomless stupidity, shallowness, dishonesty, drug use, etc. "Tutoring" in these cases meant doing all of their homework for them, writing their papers, college application essays (someone else took Spencer's SATs for him), and essentially doing everything that could possibly be done for them academically without taking part in P.E. for them. This person doesn't even enjoy telling these tales; the siblings were so odious in every way it sickens him that he was ever so broke he had to resort to such things to buy groceries and keep the lights/heat on while writing his thesis.
ReplyDeletePlease, please Enty; spare us another word about the gruesome twosome. No photos either. In the bloodstream of life, they are clots.
please this whore is a ...whore. she totally hooked up with her last boyfriend on the show. for her to claim being a virgin is absolute BS. please even perfect goody two shoes LC doesn't claim that.
ReplyDeleteYUK...PUKE....GROSS....SPARE US FROM THESE TWO MEDIA WHORES..........
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this helps, Ent, but it seems to me that they have broken a couple commandments (that we know of) in addition:
ReplyDelete1 (or 1 & 2 depending on your demonimation):
I am the Lord your God.You shall have no other gods before me .You shall not make for yourself an idol.
Hmmmmm...
And then 2 (or 3 again depending):
You shall not make wrongful use of the name of your God.
You know, lying and such, using Gods name to cover up such lies.
I wonder if she is totally has her parents snowed about them living together as "roommates" (I know, I did it myself once...still can't believe it worked) and so she must keep up the facade for her mommmy & daddy's sake.
Which brings us to another broken commandment, number 4 (or 5): Honor your father & mother.
Well, that sums up the sermon for today from this sinner. Keep it Holy, people.
Those two are ridiculous and the more they exist, the more I'm convinced they're not even real.
ReplyDeleteThey're some sort of cosmic joke on humanity. Like they're trying to see how long we put up with those dickweeds before actually pushing them into an active volcano.
when does being a virgin mean being a good Christian? It's more like if your ready or not with a person you love. There is no right or wrong about virginity. Just be a good person follow your conscious and I think that leads to living the Christian or religious life.
ReplyDeleteI don't even know why I'm commenting I'm neutral to both of them and I did watch some of the Hills and it entertained me but now I like Gossip Girl for my superficial guilty pleasure. Blair is such a better fictional character then Hedi and Chuck is hotter then Spencer and I actually like the characters they have more depth.
About the living together thing if you trust/love someone enough to live with them and put up with them on a constant basis then yes you should show that by having sex. I don't think sex is a sin I think throwing away/demeaning what god made is.
Congratulations, Enty, you can live your life without fear now. (Hey, maybe I should have watched the Verne Troyer sex tape so I could have that same freedom!) I am not surprised one tiny bit that the lowest point of your life involved Speidi. They are so much worse than even Ms. Nuclear Physicist Richards.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the same bed issue - remember how scandalous "It Happened One Night" was? And how Rob & Laura Petrie had to have separate beds? I know today's Christians are far worse sinners than people were in the good old days, but that's a definite no-no.
Ernestine, wasn't Sweet Valley High awesome?
"In the bloodstream of life, they are clots."
I love it, Reese!
Here you go, bmini: Kristy was the tomboyish one who probably grew up to be a big ol' lesbian. Claudia was the pretty and stylish Japanese-American chick. She had an older sister named Jeanine, who was the stereotypical Smart, Overachieving Asian. Stacy was Claudia's best friend. She was Diabetic. Mary Ann was the shy, boring nerd. I hated all the books that centered on her. She had a fantastically-named boyfriend named Logan Bruno (who, ironically, was written to resemble Spencer Pratt almost exactly). Dawn was from California. She had very long, flaxen hair and a haunted house. Mallory had, like, 3455 brothers and sisters. She was prolly Mormon or something, or Catholic, maybe. Jessi was her best friend -- a pretty black ballet dancer. She fought with her parents when she wanted to get her ears pierced. DRAMA!
ReplyDeleteAll of these fictional characters, incidentally, are STILL more interesting to me than any of the vapid fucktards on The Hills.
Still, I worry myself. Why can't I remember this many details about, say, Cry the Beloved Country or Heart of Darkness?
Oh, and if Heidi Montag is a virgin, so am I.
wow...ernestine...my whole childhood just flashed before me eyes. I think I was in love with logan.
ReplyDeleteI DO watch the Hills, have since Laguna (and no, I don't feel guilty). Anyways, I believe on Season 1 Heidi had a PREGNANCY SCARE. With Spencer. Last time I checked, you need to do the nasty in orderto get knocked up. Fucking idiots.
ReplyDeleteBlech..I don't know what's worse, taking a bite out of my drive thru burger that had ketchup & mayo on it (hate, hate, hate both) or seeing those vapid boils on society kiss!
ReplyDeleteKristen!!! that's right i totally forget and she strung him along b4 admitting it was a scare.
ReplyDeletei miss laguna.
Kristin S. is so right! Heidi was convinced she was pregnant a couple of seasons ago, but was luckily mistaken. Spencer's genes haven't been spread yet. Of course she's not a virgin. I hate these two idiots!
ReplyDeleteBARF!
ReplyDeletedon't care.
ReplyDeletekill them.
kill them, NOW.
Before they breed.
also, WHO THE FUCK CARES!
ReplyDeleteThey're on a show on fucking MTV, with like what, 2 million viewers at best?
the only reason i can think that the mainstream media keeps posting stories on these asshats, is that they're afraid they'll seem old and out of the loop if they don't.
the show is watched and enjoyed by sub-moronic 13 year olds. move on!
Ernestine, you are my idol.
ReplyDeleteLong time lurker- first time poster. Had to give my two cents because they annoy the crap out of me. Heidi thought she was pregnant the first season she met Spencer. She must be religious for it to have been an immaculate conception - I just didn't know God was into false alarms...
ReplyDeleteShe never said which hole she was a virgin in, did she?
ReplyDeleteThe facts are in the DETAILS, People.
"the show is watched and enjoyed by sub-moronic 13 year olds. move on!"
ReplyDeleteblow me and your little cat too.
Oh and BTW,3.7million viewers on tv and about 2.8million streaming.
do the math.
I really wish they would just disappear, & take a few others with them.
ReplyDeleteI will admit, I'm a Hills Junkie.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am most certainly not a sub-moronic 13 y/o. I just sent my Baby off for last year of College.
There is nothing wrong with a little mindless laughter.
I'm 36. It's right there in my profile! All of my colleagues and I here at the Department of State discuss The Hills on a weekly basis.
ReplyDeleteNow, see, I don't have cable preCISEly because of shows like this. It's NOT that I'm too good for a show like The Hills; it's because I'd completely get sucked into it -- just as I KNOW I'd be addicted to Flavor of Love and Rock of Love, and Tila Tequila Loves Love or whatever the hell it's called. I just KNOW it.
ReplyDeleteAnd I've seen enough of The Girls Next Door to know that Bridget is totally the smartest one, Kendra is the dumbest bitch alive, and Holly is delusional.
My Achilles heel is VH1, though. I LOVE VH1. I remember sitting on my couch when I DID have cable, stupified, and watching basically ALL of the I Love The ___ episodes. One after the other. I was ensorcelled.
But I spend so much time being angry at politicians and J-Lo that I just can't waste thirty minutes a week being disgusted with a bunch of rich people who do NOTHING except shop, argue, and pork each other. But I also don't bebrudge other people their addiction to this show, because I totally understand it.
I still fucking wouldn't watch those shows with the Kardashians or the Lohans, though. I might as well just read the entire SVH all over again. It would have the same brain-boosting potential.
And yes, Mooshki. Those books WERE awesome! Remember the one where Jessica pretended to be Elizabeth and totally ensnared that dumb surfer dude? That was my FAVORITE. It was called Heartbreaker. I read it about a dozen times when I was nine.
Um.... ok so either Heidi is stupid enough to think she can get pregnant by swallowing (which she could be that stupid...) or she's a LIAR!!!! Since she had a pregnancy scare on the show I think first season!
ReplyDeleteThese two will do ANYTHING to see themselves in the tabloids God they make me sick!
PS: oh yeah - 44 here and I watch the hills, as do my group of girl friends who are 32, 34, 42, and 28. And amazingly we are all intelligent and productive members of society LOL
Thanks Ernestine,
ReplyDeleteI feel like I'm 16 again. I remember how Elizabeth and Jessica were a "perfect size 6"...they'd be considered cows by today's standards. Sad.
you guys! I just remembered a really great blog about Sweet Valley High. burger....something. Anyway, the girls are now a perfect size 4. I'm not kidding. I'm off to try to find it.
ReplyDeleteit's thedairiburger.com you should check it out.
ReplyDeleteWhy do we even care about these two?
ReplyDeleteI have a niece who watches their excuse for a show and mentioned this item. She called BS right away - something about Heidi buying a pregnancy test before.
Also, I don't think tough boy Spencer could pull it off - he looks more like a power bottom anyway.
bmini
ReplyDeletewow...at least they're not perfect size 0s.
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ReplyDeleteI'm with y'all--don't give a FFFUUUDDDDGGGEEEE about either of these twits.
ReplyDeleteBut she does have a nice butt and legs. Fake tits, not so much.
ReplyDeleteirishstayc2, you took the words right out of my mouth! Pandora, I once knew a couple who lived together and were Catholic. She kept her virginity, he got to cornhole her as much as he liked.
ReplyDeleteThey're so false but I can't help myself - I love the mindless shit that is The Hills. Don't cry, Ent. There is worse - you could always find yourself on a date with the judge that snorts on America's Best Dog.
Ernestine, you must be in the like, 24-28 range? lol because thats ummm mee to a t.
ReplyDeleteI do not watch hills/laguna beach/lc/kc/speidiwood or whatever else show they are on. so! I'm not 100% annoyed.
Though, once I called Brody Jenner and talked to Spencer for 3 minutes and 45 seconds. Just for thrills. THX ONTD
OK, I wasn't going to say anything because I also have never watched the Hills and I can't call up a gossip site without seeing these vapid people, but since you asked ....
ReplyDeleteWAIT.
Nope.
I still don't care.
haha! It is well known that Heidi and Spencer plan out what to say and when for maximum gossip value--it doesn't even matter if it's a huge lie or not, as long as people talk about THEM and not anyone else on the show. Clearly, this is the case here.
ReplyDeleteBut to answer your question, I was always told to "abstain from the APPEARANCE of evil", so, pretty much, if anyone could look at you and surmise you might be doing anything sinful at all, you clearly shouldn't be doing what you're doing. That includes even being alone. I knew someone that drove down from Canada with his fiance in the dead of winter, got her a hotel room, and slept in the car, just to make sure nobody would think they were having sex.
Maybe she's a virgin... in her armpit. Yes, she has never had a penis in her armpit. (There IS such a thing as armpit sex. I knew a guy who was into it. And no, I did not let him anywhere NEAR me. I just heard about it)
ReplyDeleteI think you mean "Babysitter's Club" not Sweet Valley High.
ReplyDeleteJust had to throw that in there:)
Who got the two confused, k. myers? I definitely know the difference between those two series. Not to be too snarky or anything.
ReplyDeleteohhh you are right. i was confused. sorry about that:)
ReplyDeleteps - i loved both series, just for the record. i lived and breathed SVH senior year when it came out.
oh puhleze, that whole sex before marriage is probably the biggest lie in the whole world. in season 2, heidi had a 'pregnancy scare' and it was spencer she slept with.
ReplyDeleteWell, that explains so much. Heidi is just like Jesus.
ReplyDelete"There were rumors about a sex tape, but I had nothing to do with that. God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know?"