Mom, Constance Marie, And Canadians

All week, whenever I would come home from work, I was getting the evil eye from my mother. Not the drunk eye which is kind of glossy and glazed, but the evil eye which usually is reserved for my dad or when I pay my rent late.

I think what made me ask her about it finally was the thought that she was home all day and knew how to use tools, and that she would not be above loosening a few stairs and watching her 400 pound son injure himself seriously on his way down to the basement.

Turns out mom was kind of pissed that I took out dad last week and had not made any plans for her this week. Well, that could easily be rectified. Plus, when you take my mom out it is all about the three B's. Booze, Buns, and Beano. To save time, I will be skipping the final two of these, because after four hours of listening to my mother say, "look at the ass on that guy," I realize I will never earn enough for the therapy I need. Beano? Well, that is really more of a problem that my dad must face after a night of my mother drinking. Although if I were him, I really wouldn't be facing her. See? Just not appropriate for a family oriented blog such as this.

So, my mom doesn't have much use for any restaurant that was built after about 1990 which means there is no hoity toity food as she puts it. Anyway, so Friday night, after we ate dinner, she wanted to go boozing. Ever been boozing with your mom? A mom who likes to tell stories and embarrass her kids? Yeah, good times. So, for some reason we ended up at the Pig N' Whistle. If you can fight your way through the homeless, drug addled, tourists, and Scientologists at the front entrance there are pretty decent drinks, and it is dark, so no one notices if mom decides to take a nap.

While we are there, some tourists came in who were from Canada. Victoria to be exact. I love Victoria and am not just saying that because they bought me drinks. OK, it helps that they bought me drinks, but I have been to Victoria. Twice. I had the opportunity to go three or four times, but for some reason or other couldn't quite do it. Lovely place. Need to go back there soon.

Well, with this group of tourists drinking so heavily, there was quite the line to go to the bathroom. Well, instead of waiting, I decided to go next door. No, not to the Scientology folks who are always hanging out on the sidewalk there, but the opposite direction. Went over to the Egyptian theatre. Well, they were having some type of premiere or film festival or something, and as I am sneaking my way in to use the facilities, I look up and it is Constance Marie. Now, all of you might be saying, "so what?" or "who is she?" but to me, I have had a crush on this woman for 20 years. I had never met her before Friday which is surprising, because usually my crushes turn into restraining orders and court appearances. I acted like a total idiot, and I'm pretty sure the six drinks, and doing the pee pee dance had nothing to do with it.

"Are you Constance Marie?"

"Why yes, I am."

"Oh, I just loved you in_________." I rattled off like 10 projects.

I'm sure Constance was thrilled to be accosted by a half drunk, giant, sweating bald man who was hopping from foot to foot like an addict looking for his next fix while blathering about how wonderful she is, and I even think I told her something about if she ever got divorced to look me up or something equally as horrible. Well, somehow I did manage to stop her from bolting long enough to let me take a photo. Horrible photo. I have to stop drinking doubles because I am starting to get the shakes something fierce.

After I took the photo, security started to walk over and so I thought I best retreat and so did so and managed to not piss myself, but, instead held it until I got back to the bar. After I took care of business, I dragged mom away from the bartender and his "hot ass" and took her home.