Dear 20th Century Fox
Dear Rupert, (Is it ok if I call you Rupert? You are a US citizen now and here in the US we call everyone by their first name),
First of all before we get into why I am writing you, I would just like to say that I thought it was in pretty bad taste for Geraldo Rivera to show the body bag containing the dead model who jumped to her death this past weekend. Granted, I know Geraldo isn't very popular and hell, most of you over there probably don't like him either, but next time, do you think you could reign him in a little bit and show some restraint. My guess is that if you had some potential big television deal going on in Russia you wouldn't have shown it, so lets just pretend you do and make sure it doesn't happen again.
Now, the reason I wrote you is the whole double feature thing on one DVD. I applaud you for this and think it is a great idea. I also understand that you, like other studios usually try and combine the same general theme in order to attract more sales. Therefore when you put an Estrogen fest together like Steel Magnolias, Ya-Ya Sisterhood and, The Joy Luck Club, I forgive you. Actually I think it is great. Those three films equal the approximate length of two Sunday football games so we are all good.
My problem is when you take a really kick ass film and put it with a loser in order to prop up sales of the loser. For example, I don't think many people are running out to buy Glitter in the Glitter/E.T combination if you know what I mean.
On Friday I was cruising the Target looking for clearance wine to really get the weekend started off right, and happened to head by the film section. I generally will wander over there after I have popped open a bottle to savor the buzz from my $5 chardonnay while finding something to watch. Well, lo and behold I saw Say Anything and I thought that would be a perfect choice. See, I kind of sat on my last copy. Then, I saw that for some idiotic reason known only to you, you combined it with All The Right Moves. Now, I have nothing but the greatest affection for Lea Thompson. Lots of affection actually if you know what I mean. Craig T. Nelson? Please. Legend. Chris Penn? RIP. Tom Cruise? I don't think so. See, your average John Cusack fan has a brain, and when that brain engages we have a tough time seeing Tom Cruise as a football player.
In addition to his lack of football playing ability, we who worship at the altar of Caroline In The City know that Lea Thompson would never actually have sex with Tom Cruise, find him attractive or go along with the charade that is Tom's d**k in the film. Yes, you can claim body double all you want, but lets face it, he was practically a no name and there was no budget and if you are going to get a d**k double, then by God it better be the size of Dirk Diggler. Who wants a 2 inch d**k double?
I feel that having Tom Cruise on the same DVD as Say Anything is really soiling the good name of that classic. A more appropriate choice for All The Right Moves might be something like Harry And The Hendersons or Cops And Robbersons. To know that the two movies are somehow touching in some weird digital way is kind of like some version of cyber cooties, The only way this would be acceptable is if there were some way for John Cusack to be able to actually go inside All The Right Moves and kick Tom Cruise's whiny ass. That would be worth watching.
However, until that technological marvel occurs, please, replace All The Right Moves with some other Cusack classic, or just dead air. If you need to leave All The Right Moves in, would it be possible to delete all the scenes involving Tom Cruise. Sure, the film will be shorter, but, I think it would make it worth watching repeatedly just for the novelty.
Thank you for your prompt attention and the Married With Children T-shirt. (hopefully)
EL
