It's Complicated

I entered the world of Denise Richards and lived. Of course the fact that it was just a television and me on a couch probably had something to do with my survival. Alone in a room with her, I'm not sure I would have survived. She just has that kind of kill or be killed mentality.

Anyway, in order to judge fairly and accurately because you know I am all about fairness here, I watched 3 episodes back to back last night. Yep, two older ones and then the new one.

For those of you have never watched the show. Don't. If you have, and do so regularly, then you must know even more places than me that sell cheap booze because we really have no life.

As I was watching each episode, I took notes. See, I'm a professional. These are my unedited notes from the first episode.

Sho, Stripper pole, sex toys, play house, two assistants?

I didn't really have any problems with the episode except for the obvious lie they attempted to perpetrate on all men throughout the world. Denise ordered one of those backyard playhouses for her kids. It came completely unassembled with no instructions and about a million parts. Denise said she put it together by herself. Umm. There is not a chance in hell she did and to say otherwise just puts guys in a bad position because wives everywhere are saying, if that idiot Denise Richards can do it, then you can do it too.

Did anyone else catch the fact that she knew her way around that stripper pole? For those of you who didn't see the episode, Denise had some friends over and after they dolled themselves up they all took turns on a stripper pole. There was no awkwardness and for a second she dropped her guard and she was at home on the pole. She also seemed to have a very good grasp on the sex toys that were on offer at the party also.

From what I gather Denise has at least two assistants and someone helping her with the kids. It isn't any wonder she doesn't sleep at night because she doesn't do anything all day except change from workout outfit to another.

OK, Episode 2 unedited notes

Dr. Katz, insomnia, (camera in house), kat von D, Michelle was crying, Denise has no tear ducts, memory of mom, plug of james bond.food in cupboards, camera in bedroom at mom's house. she says she gets up at 530, then why blindfold? How many dogs did she bring to her mom's house? Irv, I feel for you.sister cries. Denise fake crying. I hope she is a better actress when she is having sex. who taking care of girls? So, assistants and nannies.Dogs were not in car. Shipped separately. Bear thing is a great idea.

You know how Rod Serling used to introduce Twilight Zone or how Some dude would be in the corn in Hee Haw or how an announcer introduces guests on a talk show? Well apparently this guy Dr. Katz does the same thing for Denise. Apparently he was her divorced mediator and now his function seems to be this. Denise has a problem and goes to Dr. Katz. He calls her crazy and gives her something to do which is what each episode is about.

In this episode, Denise visited her mom's house for the first time since her mom died. Look, I think Denise's dad Irv and Denise's sister Michelle who is way hotter than Denise and actually nice have been truly affected by the death. Michelle's tears were real and Denise's dad was just a broken down mess. Denise on the other hand didn't shed a tear. Oh, she tried and tried but those little tear ducts are all dried up. Seriously, she is very, very cold.

This episode was so staged and in no way approached any kind of reality except for the emotions of Irv and Michelle. Apparently no one had been to the house in six months but there was still fresh food in the house for Denise to cook with. All the sheets and linens were clean. Inside the house were four dogs who had not gone in Denise's SUV so I'm guessing they flew. There was food for them, the house was spotless with no dust. Denise and her family packed box after box up of possessions but there was no indication of how they got to where they were supposed to. We are supposed to believe Denise has insomnia and it is because of her mom's death. I think it is because of the crew of four who are in her bedroom.

I do want to say that the bears made out of the clothing of the deceased is one hell of a good idea and if they need some money, let me know.

OK, before I get to the final episode of the night, there are a few things in general about E! and their productions. Did anyone notice that according to E!, the Kardashians and Denise live at the same house? Why does E! need to have a show called the 12 sexiest wet and wild jobs? Isn't it just porn for 13 year old kids?

OK, on with the final episode. My unedited notes.

bathtub reading a script. Not for her though. A little white trash? denise suggests sister and hubby on side of road.Brandon guy cracks me up. "I'd let a stranger watch my kids at this point." Camera crew. Playboy.poor guy. aunt naked. embarrassed. what a coincidence. so surprised. I will say she seemed to be pretty good at spitting. guy lived in a trailer dan.

By far the best episode. Denise's brother Brandon is one hell of a guy and Michelle, who is Denise's sister is great. Make the show about them. They seriously are great together. Meanwhile while Brandon and his wife are gone the crew plant a Denise Richards Playboy on one of her nephew's friends. I guess this was supposed to allow Denise her moment to be all motherly and concerned. All it did show me was that she doesn't care about her nephew because he clearly was embarrassed to be talking about it in front of the world and that she enjoys being naked for guys. She thinks she is better than everyone in the world and probably thinks her sister can do better than Brandon. He seemed to be doing ok as far as I can see.

Overall, the show isn't bad, but it just seems forced and contrived and Denise is going to be a bitch no matter what. I will give Denise credit for one thing. The opening montage of the show in which she calls herself everything I have called her and worse. She does seem to care about herself first, even more than her kids. They pretend she doesn't, but it does seem like she does.

I don't feel like I wasted 90 minutes of my life, but I won't be back for more unless they do a Brandon and Michelle show.