Tom Cruise's German Is Like Watching Hogan's Heroes

Dear Tom,

Sorry to hear about the Valkyrie release date being moved again. Wasn't the original plan to have it released two months after filming completed? Yeah, that's what I remember also. I remember you and the family in Germany all last year. While you just kept film, film, filming away, you sent your publicity machine, aka, wife and kid off to the far reaches of Europe to keep reminding everyone in the world that you were filming a movie called Valkyrie.

The thing is your plan worked great. Everyone knows about Valkyrie. Everyone wants to see it. OK, that's not true. I don't want to see it. I guess the thing is that the studio has figured out no one wants to see it including them. It was originally set to release on June 27, 2008 which is a big weekend and just two short months from now. That date was moved to October 2008. This allowed for some reshooting. I know, I know. You have said they were days you were supposed to shoot. I say they were reshoots because something sucked. Kind of like tomato and tahmato. Except that I heard your German accent would have got you kicked off Hogan's Heroes.

So, now the release date has been moved again. This time to February 13, 2009. Yes, a Friday the 13th where you will go against Isla Fisher in that shopping movie she is making and a Friday The 13th film.

The studio is calling it a big holiday weekend they just had to jump on. Excuse me, you were originally set for the weekend before the 4th of July. How much bigger a holiday weekend can you get? Oh, sure, President's Day weekend is big with Sears and car dealers, but it has never been much of a holiday weekend.

You know, there is always the direct to DVD route. No one would probably even notice. Hell, if you want Jessica Simpson can get you into a few theatres in Texas. You can take Suri and she can see dad on the big screen. She doesn't have to know there were only 3 screens instead of 3,000.

How about a MI4?

I was going to show a photo of you in that German costume you probably still wear around the house, but instead I posted my favorite photo from the entire time you were filming. Hope you agree.