I Want My $2.00

Dear Crest,

Instead of just calling your toll free comment line and speaking to someone who doesn't understand what I am saying and probably won't even do anything about it, I thought I would instead use the opportunity to address the 100,000 daily readers of this blog and make you sweat a little.

You should know that my blog is a gossip blog so right now they are a bit pissed at me because I threw up a headline that suggests they are going to get a great Better Off Dead reference or that John Cusack is going to turn up naked on FFF. As long as it is not Ricky.

Anyway, this morning I had the opportunity to try your toothpaste Pro Health Mint. I must say that it was quite possibly the worst taste experience I have had in my life. Four hours later and I just cannot get that horrible taste out of my mouth. This by the way is coming from a guy who has and will eat any possible food combination and pronounce it lovely. This coming from a guy who actually thinks Buckley's cough syrup isn't half bad.

As I was rinsing my mouth out with Hershey bars this morning in an attempt to remove the hideous taste of your product from my mouth, I was wondering to myself what kind of people you have working at your research lab who said this product was incredible. I was also wondering where on earth you managed to find consumers who gave you positive feedback on the product. Did you pay them? Were they all relatives of the guy who designed the flavor and thus had a vested interest in keeping Jim Bob on the job in this bad economy. Was it a favor to Mrs. Crest or a payoff to keep the nanny quiet about the sex tape, or did someone lose a bet to Colgate or the boys over at AquaFresh.

Whatever the reason, I implore you to please stop producing this product and to destroy whatever cases you have of the product so no 3rd world child gets sent a tube from some charity. You may if you wish leave out two cases. One to use as paint thinner and the other to send to Denise Richards c/o of E!. They are on Wilshire Boulevard. 5700 block or somewhere close. I'm not sure Denise would love it, but if you sent her a case she would probably use some and I want her to feel the same pain I am feeling now.

You can keep the $2 I spent on your product. That is probably your monthly budget for your entire customer call center.

Sincerely,

EL

P.S. Thanks for removing the Satan logo off your products or I would have been too scared to complain to you.

P.P.S. Did you hear that three episodes from now in The Hills, Spencer is going to stop talking to his sister and tell everyone who listens which are only people he pays to listen, that he doesn't have a sister anymore. Oh, and that some of the cast have Whitney dartboards and throw darts at her face.