This Is Why I Stick To Pictures

Stuck in a checkout line over the weekend I sat there staring at the unnaturally thin face of Jennifer Lopez on the cover of Kneepads magazine. I had only previously seen the cover shot, and really was hesitant about opening the magazine to see at home photos of Marc Anthony. I expected to see him in some kind of Bing Crosby/Desi Arnaz mish mash, but hopefully without the beatings or the bad accent. Instead as I quickly glanced to make sure no one was actually looking at me, I read a few pages of the article and started laughing. Good old Kneepads.

It seems that Jennifer Lopez has taken a page from the Scientology notebook. Do an athletic event and everyone will think you are cool. I think that actual credit for this premise needs to go to Oprah Winfrey who participated in the Chicago marathon. Since then, stars with image problems or who want to make average mothers look even more shitty have started participating in these events to show that training for a marathon is not hard when you have someone to do the cooking, cleaning, caring of your children, and having sex with your husband for you.

Marathons are becoming blase, so Kneepads invented a new one for Jennifer Lopez. She is going to be running a triathlon in September or October. She doesn't know exactly when yet, or where, but she is going to do it. Why is she going to do it? To make her babies proud of her of course. That's right. Babies who will just about be sleeping throughout the night then will be lined up at the start finish line giving their mom a pep talk as she gets ready to jump in a lake and swim for a mile. If she doesn't succeed, their 6 months old psyches will crumble up and a trip to rehab is all but assured. I think the fact that they will actually get to see their mom for a minute or two that day will be something that would probably stick in their mind more than laughing their asses off at the thought of their diva mom actually jumping into water that didn't come out of a bottle.

If you can imagine in your mind Jennifer Lopez attempting this feat, then you need to go hang out with SpongeBob because I can't. I think it is a great story and Kneepads really did a good job of coming up with this one out of their ass, but I just don't think she will do it. Who will remember? And if pressed, she will just say she will do it soon but she had other commitments that kept her away.