No More L Ron Sperm Means Katie Isn't Pregnant

So either the Scientologists ran out of L Ron Hubbard's sperm or perhaps the latest injection didn't take, but a representative for Katie Holmes says she isn't pregnant. Most celebrities have one spokesperson, but Katie needs a fleet of representatives and I am not sure why. Yes, there will always be the pregnancy stories and the horrible hair cut which someone thankfully fixed at last, and requests for interviews, but I think one person could do it. It is not like her career is going so incredibly that she needs a staff to juggle all the demands on her time. In fact if she wasn't married to Tom Cruise no one would probably even notice her anymore.

So, I wonder how many chances she gets with L Ron's sperm? Do you think maybe they are saving any for other big spenders in the Church? What if Jennifer Lopez's baby looks just like Suri? I would be smiling for weeks. Jennifer and Marc must be close to giving their entire fortune to Scientology because Tom and Katie are going to be throwing them a huge party which allegedly is budgeted at $200,000. That doesn't really seem like much to tell you the truth. But then of course there probably won't be any labor costs because people from the church will be doing all the manual labor in return for having payments deducted from their monthly bill. These same workers will be the guinea pigs for Kirstie Alley's new weight loss program.

So if you have read this far, let me tell you about a dream I had on Saturday night. I probably should have written it down sooner because I know there have been details that have disappeared, but the gist was Katie Holmes and I lived next door to each other. We had been talking out in the street when she came home from somewhere. She left to go home. I saw that she had left her purse out in the street. It was a really bad knockoff LV purse. I went and rang her doorbell and instead of Tom Cruise answering the door it was Dan Akroyd. I have to quit drinking.