Bam!! Martha Buys Emeril

Showing that if she can't find a date, she is always willing to buy one, Martha Stewart paid about $50M for everything Emeril Lagasse. The only thing she didn't get in the deal were the restaurants. To make up for it though she now owns his cookbooks, kitchen products, television shows, and gets to rent out his sweaty ass for about half the year as well.

As part of the deal, Martha gets to decide when and where Emeril gets to say Bam!. Hopefully she will forbid him from ever using it again in his lifetime and instead I think Martha should go ahead and claim it as her own. Just every now and then when you find yourself listening to her show and drifting off into a lethargy you feel you will never escape, she can just let loose with a Bam!.

Already Emeril is being prepped to take over much of the cooking functions from Martha on her show, and will also be spending up to 8 hours a day for the next few months learning various arts, crafts, and knitting so that he can talk about them and demonstrate them knowledgeably.

His first assignment is to make matching sweaters for everyone at the Food Network.