Monday, February 11, 2008

The BAFTA Report - British Snark

**Update** I somehow forgot to copy and paste the first three lines of the report and so they are there now, in italics. The spy caught it, and then let me have it. I apologize profusely.

The spy is female and married, and may or may not have children. She also reads the comments sections.That is all I am saying. Oh, and the pics are not from our spy. A little issue with identification in most of her photos is precluding us from using them.




I just have two quick message for the readers-

1- If you don't know who someone is, just google them- don't spend time in the comments section going 'who the hell is this person?'

2- Apologies for changes in tense, misspellings and other grammatical errors- I wrote all this stuff on a blackberry.

Bonus:

The night before the BAFTAs I was at Claridge's having dinner. Harvey Weinstein was staying there, holding court and conducting business in his own inimitable manner. Having not really been around anyone who could buy and sell my arse I decided to mind my Ps and Qs. His FOUR (yes, four) assistants were buzzing around him like flies, messaging like mad on their blackberries and carrying around scripts. He buggered off in the late evening- out for dinner I am guessing. He went with a group of people including Georgina Chapman- wearing a stunnThe night before the BAFTAs I was at Claridge's having dinner. Harvey Weinstein was staying there, holding court and conducting business in his own inimitable manner. Having not really been around anyone who could buy and sell my arse I decided to mind my Ps and Qs. His FOUR (yes, four) assisstants were buzzing around him like flies, messaging like mad on theiring black chiffon dress. She has got to be one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. A few minutes later Cuba Gooding Jr. sauntered into the lobby unsuccesfully looking for someone- I can only assume Weinstein. However, judging from that dodgy 'tash, he could have been looking for the annual get-together for the official rich-arse trans-Atlantic S+M Bear Lovers. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Anyway, we laughed, because who is late for a meeting with Weinstein? That's some balls.

And I am certain either Gena Rowlands or Julie Christie was there as well, with a man who I recognised but maddeningly could not place. She was lovely and super-friendly to everyone. Whichever one it was, she was DRUNK by the end of the night- so drunk that when she staggered toward the lift she knocked a few things out of her coat pockets or purse. He picked them up and helped her away. She is remarkably beautiful.

The BAFTAs-

Before proceeding with the red carpet stuff, I thought I would mention that Keira Knightly left Claridge's with her entourage at the same time as us, walking very slowly. Her dress is absolutely STUNNING.
Okay, here are my impressions whilst going up the red carpet-

6:30pm- Aw, Jamie and Jools Oliver get out of their car and saunter by like they are A-listers. Cute. Unfortunately so does the nearby crowd, who immediately deafen me with screams for them. Bloody hell, people- he's only a tv chef, and hardly Gordon Ramsay at that. Real A listers are everywhere- have some perspective!
Damn, I didn't realise Daniel Day-Lewis was so thin! His people are waiting patiently while he briefly chatted with someone on the side- couldn't tell if it was an interviewer or just a fan. Meanwhile the crowds on the left side of the carpet are SCREAMING his name waving autograph books. I love him but his hair is a mess- I can't tell whether he showered 20 minutes ago or 20 days ago. I'll try and smell him to see.
Uh oh, burly security guard suspicious of my attempts to smell. We get ushered along.

Okay, fuck yeah, Izzard is here. I am standing within 15 feet of him. I can die now.

James McAvoy is getting interviewed and his fab wife Anne-Marie Duff (a brilliant actress in her own right) is radiant. I have always loved those two and ponder why it has taken so long for the rest of the world to catch up. I hope he wins.

My god, what is Tilda Swinton wearing? I love her but she looks like Grim Death. When Grim Death is really, really ill.
Daniel Radcliffe is very short and much less good looking in real life (which is not saying much). He rolled his eyes when I said to my husband, 'oh, look it's Harry Potter'. This of course made me do it again. And louder. Don't worry, I think I could take him if things throw down. Quidditch this, bitch.

Uh oh, they are hurrying us along again.

Viggo Mortensen is on the left. Jesus wept, you can smell the testosterone from here. He's far too twisted-steel-and-sex-appeal for my liking. He fancies himself, no diggety.

When did Sienna Miller grow all that hair? Never mind, it is a fairly unconvincing weave which would be rejected as too ugly by a Jerry Springer guest. She is just setting up an interview with Ryan Seacrest, who seems to be having a harder time than you'd expect with trying to get celebs to stop. Seacrest is out- out of his mind if he thinks he looks straight. I resisted the urge to pat him on the head while he interviewed Sienna. He's just so weeny!

Thandie Newton has gained some weight- finally out of that extermination-camp chic (which Day Lewis has obviously taken over). She looks gorgeous.

Gervais is strutting cock of the walk but i don't care how successful he is- he looks out of place amongst the beautiful people.

Kevin Spacey looks happy. But then he's talking to a cute guy, so no surprises there.
Catherine Berger is looking gorgeous. So glad she is here- she's the next big thing as far as screenwriters in Europe go, so look out for her.

Whoops getting rushed along now, to inside. We get ushered to the upstairs party (for the industry plebs) although Emily Blunt is running around with what could be her sister. Why does she always have that visceral high-school bully smirk on her face? Damn, just dump his useless arse already and enjoy life hon!
---
The Awards themselves- (comments on the Awards ceremony are arbitrary and thin on the ground because I couldn't whip out the blackberry and type through the whole thing)

Gervais telling hilarious fat jokes (that were probably cut from the transmission) and Chris Langham (google him) jokes.

Day Lewis gets award and it becomes clear it was 20 days. Come on, Daniel, shampoo is our friend. Damn, McAvoy didn't win. Meh.

Fuck me Sly is here and obvs had elocution lessons because I can understand half of what he's saying.

Wait a sec- they just said Clooney isn't here. Collective gasp from all the women around me.

Rosamund Pike is presenting an award. Oh my god, kill me now. She speaks at the speed of a very slow-moving thing.

What the hell- Jessica Biel with inexplicably hideous newly dyed straw-coloured hair? *Sigh*. If she only had a brain.

Tilda's outfit really is a disaster. My husband disagrees. I am confused.

Marion Cotillard looked like an angel in couture. She is in shock that she won, but I am not surprised at all. She was sublime in La Vie En Rose. If you don't see that film, slash your wrists because life ain't worth living without it.
And Dougie from Travis with his girl- so cute together!

Jeff Goldblum wearing sunglasses while presenting an award? You can tell he's fresh off the boat. His mates at the Old Vic will take the piss when he returns this week.

Anthony Hopkins? I have nothing to say except I am lucky to have breathed in the same air as he.---

Just after the Awards (9:45pm)-


FYI- When the BAFTA Awards finish all 3,000 attendees are shipped from the theatre over to the Grosvenor Hotel for dinner. Most people (ie the plebs and the minor celebs) get stuck in huge queues for buses. However, the celebs have their own queue out of a separate part of the building, where an endless line of BAFTA-sponsored cars and drivers take whoever is in the queue. It is hilarious to see A listers in queues when they are used to not waiting for anything. Here's what I observed besides all of them being antsy in one way or another:

Eddie Izzard is surprisingly quiet and short but his eyes are gorge. He and his companions were eyeing up a possible sneaky route out of the area. Despite the cold he was funny, but he could have dressed up a bit more.
Daniel Day-Lewis sneaky his way to the front of the queue, happily chatting with well-wishers. I see what you are doing and I've got your number, mate.

Orlando Bloom does not look happy about waiting in line. I am sorry, but he looks weedy. At one point he was resting his chin on the top of his companion's head. Just waiting and bored.

Cuba was in good spirits (although he didn't take my advice about the 'tash) as well but short too. (I promise I am not a giant!)

Harvey Weinstein took his jacket off for Georgina Chapman. She is so tiny- I could span her waist with my hands. His shirt was discombobulated but who cares after this display of loveliness?

Kate Hudson breezing by the car queue with an entourage.

Some of the Atonement lot cutting the line as well. Famous gits! It is freezing out here, and you have smug self-satisfaction to keep you warm! Stop cutting in line!
---

The dinner- I don't have a lot from this bit because my vantage point was limited and it was hard to get around for a better view. However, here goes-

Before dinner Keira Knightly storming toward her table looking beautiful but PISSED OFF at not winning.

Rhys Ifans was chatting with a large group of people, checking out everyone who walked by. Friendly but definitely attitudey.


The preacher kid from There will be Blood was lording it before dinner with a smirk on his face. Easy, tiger.

Kelly Macdonald was struggling to get around- there was barely any space between tables and her preggers belly made it really hard. Poor thing- I love her too.

Rachel Weitz happily chatting with people but not as cute as she looks on screen.
---
After the dinner-

The A listers left fairly quickly to get to Weinstein's party- it was nearly like a footrace at some points. However, in the cloakroom area (which lay between the main dining room and the exits/afterparty room) lots of people were pouncing on the celebs before they left. You could choke on the desperation in that area. It was hilarious.

Anyone who tried to have a ciggie in the designated outside area was surrounded by paps, autograph hounds and wingnuts (some of them with their life's belongings stored securely in their plastic bags).

Andy Sirkus (with unreasonably hippie-ish beard) was running around near the coat check smiling to himself.

Harvey Keitel running around, buggering off as quickly as possible. My husband chatted with him just after dinner but I missed it. I missed Mr. White! Tragedy!

Xavier checking out women while someone in his group mentioned going to Weinstein's party. He is much better looking in real life, but there is still a distinct Gerard Depardieu flavour about him. Very friendly though.

Izzard and the Juno group heading toward the door (but not necessarily leaving together) with izzard clearly intrigued by Diabolo Cody. She was adorable and not a hint of nerves to be seen. Very gracious when we congratulated her.

Nick Rhodes happy and gorgeous as always. Fucking Nick Rhodes! What an awesome surprise!
Christopher Gunning and his adorable family looking completely starstruck with an 'I can't believe my luck' expression written all over his face.

The dude who wrote This is England, hugging his BAFTA and graciously accepting compliments from all around. He is a big old teddy bear.

Matt Willis from Busted leaving gents' toilets with a smile on his face. I am guessing he is happy he had the red carpet gig for the Brit media. It was defo a 'yay the rent will be paid this month' kind of smile.

Rosamund Pike looking lovely but walking around radiating as much charisma as a particularly introverted wet haddock that's gone off in a sulk.

David Baddiel looking like his insomniac scruffy self (we're both insomniacs so we know only too well how to recognise one) with a dark cloud over him. This could be because no one cared he was there.

Victoria Silverstet holding court at the after party hilariously unaware that every other single famous person had buggered off to Weinstein's party.
Then I was off as well. The in-house afterparty at the Grosvenor was crap, the dj sucked (if you are reading, learn how to play more that 10 seconds of a song and for God's sake, step away from the copy of Hips Don't Lie).



39 comments:

  1. Anonymous11:38 AM

    Tilda Swinton - black Tribbles attacked her bridesmaid dress!

    Keira's dress is gorgeous - deduct 10 points for it being Keira, though.

    The Jessica Biel comment was worth several pounds, at least.

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  2. Anonymous11:38 AM

    Tilda Swinton - black Tribbles attacked her bridesmaid dress!

    Keira's dress is gorgeous - deduct 10 points for it being Keira, though.

    The Jessica Biel comment was worth several pounds, at least.

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  3. Thank god Thandie finally ate a sandwich!

    That was hysterical, thanks!

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  4. This is AMAZING! Thank you for taking the time to spy for us and report back to EL.

    I heart Daniel Day-Lewis like no other, so I'm going to believe he took a shower 20 minutes before.

    I wonder where George Clooney was.

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  5. Hips don't Lie?! Really?!! That is POOR FORM.

    Marion Cotillard's acceptance speech was adorable. As entranced as I was by Julie Christie in Away from Her, Marion's performance in La Vie En Rose is going to be hard to beat.

    Anyone else have a "WTF" moment when Jessica Biel turned up on the red carpet?

    Happy to hear Diablo Cody is as cool as she seems!
    Thanks Spy!

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  6. well that sucks about Paul Dano ("the preacher kid from there will be blood"). I really like him as an actor.

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  7. OMG, that was a great commentary report from ENT's BAFTA spy! Love the "tell it as it is" writings. Hearing all the english snarks reminds me of my best friend from the UK. :0( (I Miss her.)

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  8. wow .. that was a joy ride for my eyes .. thanks so much ...

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  9. What great comments!! Thanks so much!

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  10. That was awesome...and I love, love, love Eddie Izzard. I would swwon in his presence. Especially when he's in drag. Love it.

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  11. And by "swwon", I mean "swoon".

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  12. Thank you BAFTA spy!!!

    I loved loved loved this recap. I would have loved it more if I could have been there with you.

    And, thank you even more for the Nick Rhodes photo. So yummy!!

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  13. Heh - love the snark - love the recap! Thanks for the spying eyes!

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  14. That was hilarious! Thanks for taking the time to share.

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  15. "Quidditch this, bitch." Bwahahah!

    Nice one, spy. And that goes for the whole report. Most refreshing!

    Tilda is an alien - it's the only possible explanation. Not wearing a smidge of slap or doing her hair must save her a lot of time when getting ready for events. I suppose that's how aliens roll! The dress came from her home planet.

    I charitably decided to give DDL the benefit of the doubt, and assume he'd overdone it with the hairgel. Not a good look, though. If it's just not washing, ugh! I hope not - I thought that was Viggo's forte....

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  16. Nothing like a British spy to report on this... it's hysterical! Why doesn't anyone else report on what really goes on -- the attitudes, the sulking, etc? Love it!!

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  17. Anonymous1:40 PM

    Thank you spy-lady! It was great to get your take on things, but I stand by Tilda. The dress was arty, just like she is. Not everyone's taste, but if she liked it, it must be good. (though, I don't think yellow's her color.)

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  18. Whoever you are, you are fabulous! The Daniel Radcliffe comment killed me. And Keira Knightly - LOL - has she *seen* La Vie En Rose? If Marion doesn't win EVERY award she's nominated for for that film, it's a crime. Keira needs to just suck it up.

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  19. I don't know who you are, but you're utterly fabulous!
    Don't suppose there's a chance you can convince EL to sponsor you on an American tour in time for the Oscars?
    Hell, I'm sure we can take up a collection that'll pay your expenses!
    You are just too delightful!

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  20. dear spy, thank you for the inside overview. i hope you had a great evening.

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  21. Loved every word of this!

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  22. What did you have for dinner? And what was the dessert? Who did you sit with at dinner? How many people per table? What kind of alcohol/wine was served?

    "Who" did you wear, and what shoe designer? How did you prove at the door that you were an invited attendee? How much did it cost to attend? Where was your seat located in relation to the stage? Just curious!

    (If you don't respond I'll assume you don't read the comments. And don't worry, I don't think any clothing details will give you away, the BAFTA's don't garner a lot of attention here for the average American. If you don't answer these very easy to answer questions, I'll assume you aren't reading or you aren't you.

    I just LOVE all these inside juicy details, so tell me more, please! Thanks, "Spy"!

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  23. That was great!! Please continue to spy for us.....funniest recap ever!

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  24. bafta-spy, we need you at the oscars!

    thank you for the insider's view...

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  25. BSpy, you're the best! Thanks so much for this.
    Only been to the Emmys but we got 2 tix and any additional tix we needed cost $500 a piece. I imagine the same holds for other award shows.
    Marion's my girl - love her to death. Love that she's winning a bunch this year for La Mome. Two degrees.
    What moron told Keira she'd win? Why? Because these were British awards? Please.
    Just because Tilda CAN wear anything doesn't mean she should. We see the dress, not her. Diff color would have helped.
    Why was Victoria S. there? Seacrest? Biel? Sly?
    Sorry, no longer into DDL's looks. Not since Mohicans. Yes, Viggo's steeliness does nothing for me either but nice to ponder from afar.
    Bummed about Rosamund. Disappointing.
    Anthony Hopkins. Nick Rhodes. Anywhere, any time - though not at the same time. >sigh<
    Surprised to hear that Harvey was nice. He can be the worst of nasty-a$$ed jerkoffs.

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  26. "The preacher kid from There will be Blood was lording it before dinner with a smirk on his face. Easy, tiger."

    Lording it? Whats that mean?

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  27. thanks for one of the best spy-jobs yet! you are so right. americans especially (i'm one, but i was raised better) have such a sense of entitlement, i can see the U.S. celebs cutting line.

    and personally, though i do love clooney, i will take eddie over him in a new york minute. drag is fine, but i think he butches up quite nicely!! i envy you for those glimpses alone!

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  28. *Delicious* reporting...

    Thank you Ms. Spy!

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  29. Starburst, I took it to mean he was acting like lord of the table.

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  30. Quidditch this, bitch.

    haha Brilliant!

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  31. Thank You So Much Spy Woman!! I would have been so happy to see the look on Daniel Radcliffes face! This is truly the best "behind the scenes" type of stuff I have ever read! Loved It!

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  32. I love this comment:

    "Viggo Mortensen is on the left. Jesus wept, you can smell the testosterone from here. He's far too twisted-steel-and-sex-appeal for my liking. He fancies himself, no diggety."

    I must have been the only person to have watched Eastern Promises... where he was brilliant. And my goodness he does look like he smells like pure testosterone in that movie.

    I am still baffled by DDL winning for his role... simply cause I thought he was a bit over-acting in it. Then again I always thought he was King of the whole over-acting method.

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  33. This made me homesick, I've been away from London too long.

    I thought Keira's dress was amazing but the shoes looked dodgey. Love Atonement so much that I'm giving her a free pass for the next year. Well maybe 6 months and we'll see how it goes.

    Thanks Spy. Not sure we are even getting the awards televised here so cheers for the the good bits!

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  34. What the hell- Jessica Biel with inexplicably hideous newly dyed straw-coloured hair? *Sigh*. If she only had a brain.

    Thanks, lady. Now I'm gonna have that damn song running thru my head the whole freaking day.

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  35. Hautietx, I saw Eastern Promises, too. At least the parts where I wasn't covering my eyes. He really IS magnificent. He and Daniel Day-Lewis make me forget I'm watching THEM. The accents, the looks - they're always different. So you weren't the ONLY one who saw Eastern Promises, but I think I may have been the only one to see Hidalgo.

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  36. Thank you, Spy, for posting this. It's always great getting a snarky red-carpet perspective, but your report is truly above and beyond.

    Cheers!

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  37. Anonymous7:44 PM

    Very entertaining fiction. Someone who watched the pre show & show. But not there trust. So sounds like Hez's "writing" non?

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  38. Anonymous7:22 AM

    > Kevin Spacey looks happy. But then he's talking to a cute guy, so no surprises there. >

    Well, that spy lady should really keep her finger on the pulse. The gay rumour about Spacey is totally out of date... for good reasons. :-)

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