An Open Letter To Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay,

I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am that you are running out of money. All those big roles kind of blew by the wayside after all of your troubles huh? It's hard to believe you went through all of the money you were paid the last two years. Most of your movies might have bombed, and of course your last two films were voted as the two most awful of 2007, but you did get paid well for those films. If it is any consolation about the awful film award, it is my understanding that no one actually volunteered to go see Blonde Ambition, or you might have just had the #2 and #3 worst films of the year. I bet you never though things would turn out this way when you were doing Freaky Friday, Mean Girls, and that Herbie movie. Well actually when you did that Herbie movie you should have had a pretty good idea that this is where you were headed. Next time you should know, that those Disney folks will make you do a million films before you can get out of one of their contracts, and that some version of Herbie is offered to everyone. The difference is everyone else always gets out of it.

I know it's tough to have to financially support both your parents and your siblings. It's not like your parents want to buy their clothes from Target, although your dad looks like he busy his clothes there. If he is going to look so cheap when he dresses, maybe you should send him over to a Target. I saw Kate Beckinsale at the Target over at La Brea and Santa Monica so you could send him over there and have him try and mooch off her for awhile. She has a kid. Maybe he could babysit with those world class parenting skills of his.

I don't have enough space to really get into your mother. That was probably a bad choice of words. I don't want to imply that other people have got into your mother or even want to. Not that they wouldn't want to, so don't take that wrong. I noticed that she called Riley's mom yesterday to complain about the Daily Mail article. Of course Riley got $120,000 for that article so she could have been calling Riley's mom looking for a cut, or a loan, or a little something for you since it was your photos that Riley was selling. If your mom got a cut, do you think she would share it with you? I think that is a question you need to ask yourself.

I think what you need to do is lower your expectations for your next film. I think you need to do something a little lower on the pay scale. It's not like you can't still get $500,000 for a film, because you can. What you need to do though is stop thinking you are going to get $3 or $4 million because it just isn't going to happen. I heard porn stars make a decent living. You may want to give that a shot. Making out and groping three guys in one day and sleeping with one isn't too far from just having sex with all three and making a quick $20,000. What the hell. If you are going to do it anyway, might as well get paid. Hell, if you brought Dina along as a fluffer, they might boost that up to $20,500.

You know your dad would love hanging out on the set, and your sister Ali could come watch since she is already dressing exactly like you and seems to want to follow in your every footstep. Look, you are what 35, 36 now. Oh, wait. 21, but look 35. Sorry. My bad. You have made your decisions in life and I actually think you will turn out all right. This letter might not seem like I do, but I do. But, don't let Ali make the same choices as you. She doesn't have a few million to burn through to learn about life's little lessons and so I think it would turn out much worse for her.

Anyway, if you need a couple of bucks, you know how to reach me, and I'll even throw in some In-N-Out.

Stay Classy,(whoops)

EL