Kneepads Magazine Just Keeps Sucking

I honestly didn't think it was possible for People Magazine to get further up a celebrity's ass, but they have. I don't know if Guinness has come up with a world record of how far a corporation has been up someones ass, but they really need to check out People because I just don't think it is possible for one magazine to go much deeper.

This post was originally going to be about their recent article on Jessica Alba, but then saw something they also did on Suri and Katie. Yes, that is their big rebellious move. They still refer to the little one's wife as Katie rather than Kate. I'm sure the little one probably sends them missives, minions or muffins everyday to try and get them to change it to Kate, and when he gets a decent box office in a movie again, the very next day it will probably be Kate, but for now it remains Katie. Hell, I'm sick of Katie and Suri, and all her crap nonsense anyway, so I will just make it Jessica. If you want to read more about how Suri is a very strong woman and is probably going to be a superhero, and save the world from cancer through the power of the mind, then feel free. Hell, I will even give you the link so you can read about the 2 year old who is now a woman. Next week Tom will begin the marriage bidding wars. You read it for yourself. Listen for the gagging sounds, and then come back here and discuss why Katie thinks Suri is magical.

This is going to be the longest post ever and I haven't even got to the point. Jessica Alba was at the same event that Katie was, and so the People reporter must have been extra busy making up this crap. Or, of course, they simply took the handouts from the publicists and translated Jessica Alba's one word answers into this.

With fiancé Cash Warren by her side, Jessica Alba can't help gushing about her impending baby joy.

"It's awesome," she told PEOPLE Thursday in L.A. at Glamour magazine's kickoff for V-Day's 10th Anniversary. "It's the best time ever. I have two movies coming out, a baby, a fiancé – everything."

I actually think she said the It's awesome part. Prior to, and after that, all publicists. Let's continue and see what Miss Marvel has to say next. I want you to remember that Kneepads has said that Cash was by her side. He is always by her side except when off with some other woman. He knows he can't get too far from his money tree or let her go out too much on her own.

"I don't know if anyone wants me in their movies [when I'm] six months pregnant," she joked. "I'll get the fire and I'll want to work again, but right now it's a time to relax and sit back."

She probably said something like "No one wants to hire me for my acting, only my body so being six months pregnant, I don't get much work."

For now, the actress is focused on a more personal project: "I bought a new house a couple weeks ago. I'm in nesting phase."

Translation: Cash needed more room for his porn collection and said I wasn't spending money on him fast enough so I bought a house and put him on the title.

Later, Alba joked about her growing baby bump as she performed "My Short Skirt," a scene from Eve Ensler's Vagina Monologues. "I hope [my dress] won't pop while I'm up here," she said. "And if it does, you're all women, and I think you'll understand it. [When you're pregnant], your breasts are engorged and your stomach is getting bigger. . . . And the ass, too, that's getting bigger by the second!"

Translation: The publicist didn't know Cash was coming so just thought it was going to be all women. The reporter didn't bother actually read what he was given to print, and he certainly didn't go in, because I'm not sure Jessica even know what engorge means, let alone knows how to use it in a sentence.