Birthday Wishes To Oprah

Dear Oprah,

Yesterday was your birthday. I don't know how I forgot to say anything about it yesterday. I know that birthday wishes after the fact just aren't that great unless accompanied by a present. But at what point does a late birthday gift actually become a gift gift. You know the kind that can be kind of awkward between people because there really is no reason other than sucking up to give that gift. Kind of like when Jessica Seinfeld gave you all those shoes. It wasn't your birthday then, although since you are almost God-like I wouldn't put it past you to have two birthdays each year. See, she could have called them an early birthday present. It is much easier to pull of a two month early birthday present than a two month late birthday present. If you get earlier than two months, than the givee can forget that they have already received a gift, and then feel like they were shafted by the person until they are reminded of the early birthday gift.

Speaking of gifts, have you ever met Gift Clement. She is a truly inspiring role model for women. From what I can tell she has made it through a terminal illness unscathed, escaped hundreds of attempts on her life by greedy relatives, was married to some prince or rich guy who called himself a prince, and is now helping the unfortunate in India. I can't believe you have not had her on your show yet. She is someone every woman can admire and respect. I think she is probably much more worthy to have a television show and magazine than Rachael Ray. I know, I know. You like Rachael, but just between us, Dr. Phil is on his way out isn't he? I think you are still holding a grudge that he got you back together with Letterman. Well, I think that if you need Dr. Phil to do something until his contract with you runs out, you could ship him off to South Africa and have him be the Headmaster at your school. He could give those girls advice all day long. Might be good fit.

Speaking of good fits, what did Steadman give you for your birthday? Probably not a whole hell of a lot after you kept him out of your will. You really shouldn't make that kind of stuff public because you never know what he will do to you one night while you are sleeping. I know he would have to get by Gayle who can be like a guard dog, but still, please, please watch your back. I have met Steadman a few times. He is a quiet guy, but those are the sneaky ones.

Anyway, you can give my gift to charity, or do whatever you like with it. I know it isn't as good as the guy who did the gold tomb thingy for you, but frankly, I don't have that much time. Enjoy the Charlie perfume and the box of chocolates. Just ignore the Merry Christmas on the box of chocolates. They are gold baby.