Birthday Wishes To Mischa Barton
Dear Mischa,
It has been a pretty eventful year for you. You and your longterm boyfriend and major pot connection broke up. You were spotted smoking pot by the paps a couple of times. Your sister went to rehab a couple of times, and then to round out the year you got arrested for a crazy amount of things. In between you managed to star in a couple movies no one will ever see, and realized you are going to have to strip and do sex scenes to get work. That is a pretty full year. Not a great year, but definitely full. In fact it really even wasn't close to great. It kind of seems like everyone from the OC is doing better than you. I know you thought you were the main reason everyone watched, and that you couldn't wait to leave, but I bet you miss the nice fat weekly paycheck more than you think huh. Network television pays a hell of a lot more than showing your boobs in some indie flick. Rachel Bilson got GQ, and you got Maxim. Next year she will be on the cover of Vanity Fair and you will be on the 976 Directory.
I saw that you turned 22 today. Honestly I had to check the numbers in four different places because I honestly thought you were nearing 30. Yes, you really do look that old, and you have lived a very hard 22 years. At this rate you should look like Dina Lohan in the next two years.
I feel that over the past month we have grown especially close. You might not feel that way, but I do. The Maxim with you on the cover has been staring at me, mocking me would be a better word for the better part of a month. I'm tired of looking at you quite honestly. Then the news that hit me this week made me almost want to start crying. See, you don't know it yet, but sometime in the next month or two I just found out that I will be forced to be with you for a few days. What that means is that I will probably end up getting to know you and be unable to rip into you for awhile. That really makes me sad.
You were going to be my go to girl for the whole year. With everyone tired of Britney and Paris, and Lindsay managing to keep out of the pokey for now, you were my girl. You were the one I was going to turn into my foil, and now it just might not be possible. Guess it will have to be another year of me vs Denise Richards. Eventually though Denise is going to hunt me down and kill me though. I really didn't have that to fear from you because you told the cops you don't normally drive while in the US, and it is pretty tough to stalk someone and hunt them down if you are taking a taxi. I know. I've tried.
Have a great birthday, and watch out for those funny brownies.
EL
