An Open Letter To Katie Holmes

Dear Katie,

I had intended to just start off this letter with warm birthday greetings. As I am sure you are aware, it is your birthday today. When you entered the world on December 18, 1978, I'm sure your parents had no idea that you would end up where you are today. Actually no parent actually knows where their child is going to end up. When a kid is born, it doesn't say serial killer on his forehead. Anyway, that is here nor there. Let's talk about where you are now as you approach your 30th year on this earth.

Your parents named you Katherine Noelle Holmes and they called you Katie your entire life, as did your friends, peers and mailmen. Not to say that the people who deliver mail are not peers because they are. I was just trying to make a point, and did so rather poorly. To make up for it, I will remind everyone that your mail carriers are so sick of cookies and sweets by this time of the year that they probably are not touching anything you left in the mailbox. However, they are up for some salty at this time of the year. In addition don't just leave good stuff in the mailbox during the holiday season. Remember that cold water in July is just as refreshing as the regifted fruitcake you put into your mailbox yesterday.

At what point did you change your name to Kate? Kate is severe and threatening. Have you seen Kate Hudson and Kate Jackson? Not exactly warm and fuzzy huh? I know it is Tom's fault, but it's time you put your foot down and told him that you prefer Katie and the world prefers Katie. Hell, we just want our Katie back.

You are 29 years old, and looked 50 at certain points during this past year. Each day ages you 10, and it shows. You look more like Laura Bush than the Katie Holmes we all know and love. I have to tell you that despite your constant appearances in front of the cameras this year, there were very few photos of you which I absolutely loved. I posted it at the top so you can see. Yes, I know it shows a lot of cleavage and Tom probably made you do it, but hell, it was his one good idea all year and so credit where credit is due. I don't want you to think I only like it because of the cleavage. I do, because, hey I'm a guy, and it might even be nice to have a guy around who actually likes looking down your blouse. I like the photo because it reminds me of the pre-Tom Katie Holmes. The happy go lucky, not living in a prison Katie Holmes. The I was really starting to get some great film roles and do some great things before I met Tom Cruise Katie Holmes.

I do want to say that you seem to be a great mom to Suri. The five minutes a day you spend in front of the cameras has allowed me in all my years of wisdom to declare you as a fine parent. Actually I can tell you are great because Suri actually seems to enjoy being with you unlike the photos of the similarly hairstyled husband of yours. By the way, what is the deal with that? Did he just wake up one day in his separate bedroom and say, "From now on, Suri and I will have the same hair color and style?" Does his word become law? I'm not real sure about the whole Scientology thing and whether he is your God or John Travolta or some weird amalgamation of Jada Pinkett Smith and Leah Remini. You might want to tell Tom that in his daily photo ops with Suri that he doesn't need to always be holding her bottle. Most guys wouldn't do that anyway. We would just let our overburdened significant others shoulder whatever load wasn't in the stroller. I know you are never outside a vehicle for longer than 5 minutes so this is not a problem, but just tell him it looks staged when he does this. Ditto the fact that there is never a nanny present in public which just makes everything look staged also.

I do want to say congratulations to you on finishing the NY Marathon. That is tremendous, and a proud accomplishment. I know that if Tom wasn't waiting at the finish line you probably would have finished much faster. I hope you enjoyed your time alone, and it was probably the best you felt all year.

As next year rolls around, I hope that when you turn 30 in 2008, that we see the Katie Holmes back we all love and fondly remember. We promise not to look that closely if Tom "disappears" while going out for coffee.

EL