Our Letter To Gift Clement

Dear Gift,

I am so happy that you are alive and well. When I last saw your lovely face, you looked so near death which is why I had offered to help you get the money owed to you. When I had not heard from you in so long, I just assumed that your dead husband's relatives had finally succeeded in killing you off. How did you escape? You are wily aren't you? Has anyone ever called you wily? Notice that the spelling is slightly different from Wile E. Coyote. He really wasn't that wily. You would think that at some point he would catch the damn roadrunner, but he never did.

Have you lost weight? I would love to see a new photo of you. Now that you are healthy, you should take some of that new found money and get some work done. Not to be rude, but maybe a little lipo would be a good place to start. A breast lift should be at the top of your list also. Last time I saw you, they were exchanging greetings with your knees. Are you enjoying India?

It is a crazy place huh? Did you see the girl with eight limbs? Was it you who paid for her surgery? That was really sweet. While you are there, you should watch out for the ghee. I don't know if you ever watched while you were hiding from your greedy in-laws, but Tony had a real problem with ghee and had some crazy nightmares and sweats. Anyway, I love Indian food, just make sure they don't leave the ghee out in the sun.

Oh, another thing. One of my other business acquaintances in Nigeria Africa, has promised several million dollars to be sent to me. This money I will send to you if you will only increase your cheque by $5,000 dollars. Actually, now that I have gaining increasing clarities of your generositiness, I think euros would be a better choice.

Ah, Nu Dehli. I am spanking myself soundly for my monetary failures of the past to be sure. I am now pusating with passion for our newer arraignments.

Nevermind you don't need to lose weight. I like more cushion for the pushin. I mean I could practically put my Ryan Sechrest anywhere on you and have a good time...well almost anywhere. I don't really care for cats. Speaking of cats...how come you don't have any? You seem like someone who would have a 1,000 cats and then leave all that money to the cats....or maybe you ate them..I mean times are hard a you have to do what you gotta do.

And Gift, can you tell me why you changed lawyers? Did the other one screw you over? That would be a shame since you seem like such a nice and wonderful person; so giving and pleasant and well-educated in the English language. I have a friend-of-a-friend who is a good lawyer in the United States. He does have a little extra time on his hands as he does a little blogging on the side. I trust him completely, and our finances would be secured under FDIC if we kept everything here in the states. When that 200,000 gets here we should discuss this a little bit more in detail.

Also, we will need to deal with this quickly, as I too have been stricken with the cancer. Or maybe it was the clap. In any case, my doctors tell me I have only a few weeks to live, and so I would like to use the money you promise on as many drugs and hookers as possible before I pass. Per your request, I will not contact your new lawyer, but I will be contacting your old lawyer, to see about getting this all underway without delay.

Please send ny $200,000 to my address in SUFFERNESS CITY

Oh yeah... Did I forget to mention... I'm PREGNANT!! Amazing huh? That $200, 000 will sure come in handy now!! Hope it's not born with eight limbs!! Then again Gift,we could probably whore it out for the fame... or let it grow a bit and give it a set of steak knives so that it can go after your relatives... Nasty People!! I really don't know how people could take advantage of such a sweet, frail person such as yourself... You need to toughen up bitch. The surgery should do it. Also, might I suggest, a bit (or heck... a lot) of botox in the forehead. That will really make people think twice before taking you on!! But hey... if all else fails, I know someone who might help. He is short, fat bald and he has a way with people (male?)if you know what I mean... He is soooooo good that people lose their minds or just stop hanging around.

Anyway, have fun with the money... I don't need it. It's not like I have a family to feed or uni fees to pay off... you obviously need it more... especially if you want to get laid one last time!!

What disease do you have again? My combination of alcoholism and epilepsy has gone to my head. Like I said before, I'm very sick and would like to have sexy time with as many prostitutes (male and female) as possible before I croak. Are there any good brothels in India? Perhaps I should come to visit you there and we can go out in a blaze of glory together.

Say, Gift, do you know if barristers in Cote d'ivoire wear white wigs in court like barristers in England? I imagine it would be a tad uncomfortable seeing as it's so close to the equator and November is the hottest month of the year in the Cote (don't you just love Wikipedia by the way?), but it does add a certain panache and sense of ceremony to the legal system, don't you agree? I do find it curious that seeing as Cote d'ivoire was most recently a French colony that they still call their lawyers barristers. "Avocat" seems like it would be more appropriate, given the Frogs' distaste for all things English.

Ah, well, perhaps Mr. Mustapha and I can debate that point over drinks one day. Before I forget, you mentioned Mr. Mustapha is keeping the cheque in his chamber. Gas or torture? If it's gas, then I really must insist that the cheque be sealed in a Ziploc sandwich baggie before being mailed to me. I'd hate for any chemicals that may have transferred to the cheque to set off terrorist alarms at the US Postal Service. What with all of the recent "misunderstandings" I've endured with the Department of Homeland Security, I'd prefer not to give them yet another chance to haul me in for questioning. While I'm proud to say I can hold my breath for a freakishly long period time (a skill that comes in handy more than you might think and, I'm proud to say, earned me a coveted entry in the 1978 Guinness Book of World Records), waterboarding is not my first choice for a Saturday night out with "the boys", if you know what I mean.

I read somewhere that the national bird of India is the fly, due to the swarms that surround the rotting animal carcasses that litter many streets in India. The national bird of the United States is the bald eagle, but I would much prefer it to be the fly, since they are not on the endangered species list...

How did you get into India? And how did you escape from your relatives? Your story is so fascinating to me. It reminds me of a good film I saw once but I can't remember the name. When you are as sick as us, sometimes it's hard to remember the little things, right?

I'm looking forward to meeting you one day. Perhaps our story will be made into a movie someday? Lonely, sick, frustrated man with a fashion sense to die for, meets lonely, sick woman on the other side of the world. She offers him money for helping her to invest millions of dollars. Thinking this is only a business arrangement, they never dream they will fall deeply in love so quickly.

Gift, tell me, do you want children? I hope so. Of course, I only want boys. Perhaps we could adopt 10 or so from other countries and have another 5 to 10 ourselves? I've always dreamed of having a large family. Of course, I'd expect you to work and take care of the children and the home. I'll be happy to slap them around when needed. That isn't too much to ask, is it? I would be providing you with my top quality jeans for the children. And I figure if we have enough kids, eventually we'll have a Golden Child. Don't you agree?

Love Always,

Ted