Ted C. Blind Item

Sha-Sha Shimmy is one of the most beautiful babes in Hollywood. She’s also simply a doll. Hey, she’s not only a primo g-f to all her girlfriends (a rarity in this man-stealing, amiga-backstabbing enclave), but she, like, eats! Who knew?

And guess what? SSS looks divine, full of luscious curves that buttloads of hungry guys 'n’ gals live to drool (and more) over. Sha-Sha can even act, too, come to think of it, but that’s, uh, not really her forte. However, Ms. Shimmy is damn serious about getting her less paparazzied career more on the roll, which is why she decided to slim down a bit for a part (heaven knows women over 62.5 pounds don’t get hired for nada in this two-by-four town).

So, triple S did what a lotta ladies tryin’ to lose the pounds do: No, not barf or drug, thank heavens, but she took some laxatives, which didn’t seem to work. So, she took some more. Went to sleep, forgot about it.

Next ayem, Sha-Sha remembered she needed to run some errands at the local shopping mall, which she sped off to in her smart wheels. And there she was, near Beverly Hills, comparing pillows and baskets, when—suddenly—S.S. realized she better get to a can—and fast! But, SSS hates pooping in public loos, so she sped out of the parking lot and, being impatient as she was, hit the car in front of her.

A very unhappy, very large woman got out and screamed at the top of her triple-chin curdling shrill for Sha-Sha to get out of her car—now. Sha-Sha declined, which enraged the bashed driver even more.

Finally, Shimmy was so vocally attacked by this brittle broad that she reluctantly got outta her spiffy job and—of course—let loose all over her skintight (SSS wears nothing else) jumpsuit, all the loosened stools those laxatives were so late in jimmying leaking everywhere inside, and through, her chic outfit.

Oh, and—you guessed it—the jumpsuit was the most beautiful shade of...snow white. At least, it used to be.