Ted C. Blind Item

Okay, really sorry to keep it up (pardon the penile pun) on this Harkness Hose dude, but I declare, he’s turning out to be another Toothy Tile—only the straight kind! See, while the world breathlessly coos and oohs over H2’s latest hookup with the very regal Princess Gold-Zinger, Harkness lurks the E-zones of lonely, horny women. That’s right: He hooks up, via online, with gals other than PGZ.

But, ‘course, I said that already. It’s just that I have a little additional icky info on the back-door sex H.H. lives to talk his normally hesitant honeys into. Yes, yes, yes, even though I’m hearing from heaps o’ gals who prefer the alternative-nooky route (should I publish these communications next week, or would that just make everybody, including my très conservative editor, Stevie R, wanna throw up?), not all gals are so game.

And what, exactly, does Mr. Hose do to get his ladies in the mood for the rather painful procedure? Roses and champagne? A million little kisses to every nether region—and not—of his partner’s bod? Sex-ay dirty talk in her ear, along with a little lobe-nibbling?

Nah, nothing so amorous. The answer’s far more mechanical, not at all romantic. H2 has them use a battery-operated vibrator on themselves first. Doesn’t even offer to assist in the dirty deed.

Men. If they weren’t so damn handy when ya need a good sausage dinner, I’d say to hell with the lot of ’em.