Ted C. Blind Item
Okay, really sorry to keep it up (pardon the penile pun) on this Harkness Hose dude, but I declare, he’s turning out to be another Toothy Tile—only the straight kind! See, while the world breathlessly coos and oohs over H2’s latest hookup with the very regal Princess Gold-Zinger, Harkness lurks the E-zones of lonely, horny women. That’s right: He hooks up, via online, with gals other than PGZ.
But, ‘course, I said that already. It’s just that I have a little additional icky info on the back-door sex H.H. lives to talk his normally hesitant honeys into. Yes, yes, yes, even though I’m hearing from heaps o’ gals who prefer the alternative-nooky route (should I publish these communications next week, or would that just make everybody, including my très conservative editor, Stevie R, wanna throw up?), not all gals are so game.
And what, exactly, does Mr. Hose do to get his ladies in the mood for the rather painful procedure? Roses and champagne? A million little kisses to every nether region—and not—of his partner’s bod? Sex-ay dirty talk in her ear, along with a little lobe-nibbling?
Nah, nothing so amorous. The answer’s far more mechanical, not at all romantic. H2 has them use a battery-operated vibrator on themselves first. Doesn’t even offer to assist in the dirty deed.
Men. If they weren’t so damn handy when ya need a good sausage dinner, I’d say to hell with the lot of ’em.
My head just exploded.
ReplyDeleteTed's entire column consists of one meaningless point: Some guy in Hollywood has girls use a vibrator. I can't believe he had to write 5 paragraphs of garbage to express that one sentence.
ReplyDeleteso he likes to cheat and have kinky anal with regular girls? big deal...
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ReplyDeletePrincess Gold-Zinger sounds like Rene Zelwegger, at least in sound and syllables. She is dating some new guy.
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ReplyDeleteWho is Rene seeing? I thought she was dating a woman. Remember ya'll Kate doesn't mind that guys are cheaters, so she's prob cool with him diddling others. But I wonder who she has her claws in part time.
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ReplyDeleteted's BI's make my head feel all crazy-like.
ReplyDeleteMy first thought after reading this one was: Ewwww!
ReplyDeleteAnd Ted C needs to learn how to write in English. This made up language of his isn't nearly as cute as he thinks it is.
So he's a selfish lover. Big deal. Plenty of those around.
ReplyDeleteDear Ted,
ReplyDeleteYou sad old Queen stop doing K and E on the weekends so the rest of us can understand your odd ramblings on weekdays. Here's a tip Ted..the names need only be blind not the friggin language.
Tool extrodonaire.
jax
It's Adrian Grenier and Paris Hilton
ReplyDeleteKate Hudson and DAx all the way!
ReplyDeleteI'm telling ya, Ted is totally obsessed with the Penile King of Supreme that is Dax. 3 whole Fridays of BI action. Dax, just give him some already! Or at least let him look.
ReplyDeleteAdrian grenier is NOT dating Parasite!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI refuse to believe that for one moment!
Kelly, I'm with ya...there's no way anyone I would find attractive would ever lower themselves to the level that is Paris.
ReplyDeleteDating or sleeping with Paris is a fast track to killing your career.
Is it just me or has Ted given up on trying to post "coherent" BI's. Its no fun if you have to spend time deciphering poor grammar for yet ANOTHER BI about Dax.
ReplyDeleteI like his blind items. And I'll tell you what, they actually relent a lot more than most blind item writers do.
ReplyDeleteTed's are personalized and serialized, which I hope Ent will do more of instead of C list, B list tv/film, A list name recognition labels that more often than not could refer to almost anyone at any given time.