I Guess Owen Wilson Really Didn't Like The Idea Of Being In A Movie With Jennifer Aniston

I think most of us would realize our career would go in the toilet if we were in a movie with Jennifer Aniston. It's almost surely going to be a bomb, people will laugh, everyone will think you are f**king her, she whines, and she brings the Arquettes wherever she goes.

However, I think Owen trying to kill himself was a bit of an overreaction. All he really had to do was call his agent. I'm sure he's probably kicking himself this morning about not doing just that. I can understand though that the thought of spending all that one on one time with Jennifer Aniston and watching her attempt to act would cause suicidal tendencies (good band) in all of us. Next time though just call Luke and your other brother Andrew and go to a strip club. I promise they are like chocolate and will make you feel much better. Cost more than chocolate, but better than dying.

Also, I'm concerned about your method of suicide. Popping pills and then cutting your wrists is more of a cry for help that is seen in women. As a man you really should consider something more masculine like a shotgun or setting yourself aflame. However, if you do light yourself aflame, then think of a cause you can support while doing it. News people love that kind of thing. Oh, and do take the pills first because that one hurts.

While on the subject of pills, you really should consider some Ambien or some other sleep like product. The Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo really isn't going to quite give you the bang for your buck I think you were hoping for.

I do hope you're feeling better, and that you get the help you need. If this was all a ploy to get Kate to come visit you in the hospital, then I guess you don't need help, and if this was to get out of doing Marley and Me, then we understand, but it really isn't necessary. Get well Owen.

P.S. Before killing yourself, you owe me Starsky & Hutch 2, The Royal Tannenbaums 2, Night At The Museum 2, and Zoolander 2, The Sex Change. You can skip the Jackie Chan movies. You could put Chris Tucker in some cowboy boots and just call it Rush Hour. No one would notice.