Bulbous Seymour is one fine piece o' man-lovin’ meat. Not a bad actor, either. But Bulbous knows—just like most audiences and H-town execs are aware—that his best talents lie not on the silver screen but in the golden nether regions of B.S.’ impressive bod. Yeah, he’s a stud. And what do studs do best?
Now, before I get too carried away on whatever (or whomever) Bulbous utilizes his heavenly powers for—this Blind Vice ain’t about him. Well, not exactly. See, Mr. Es has been doing what we here at the Awful Truth live for: gossiping about other closeted homosexual movie stars! Too fun for the hard-abbed tum! Delish, darlin's, so let’s get to whom B.S. is blabbin’ ‘bout:
Toothy Tile, natch. You were expecting Gussy 'n' Fussy, perhaps? Like, who cares about those ersatz het jokers anymore? (Not too many folks, I assure ya.) Nah, it’s all about Toothy Tile—and when the hell this gorgeous scaredy-puss is gonna disclose his sexual pref, already—and Bulbous knows this fagola factoid. So much so, he’s been mouthing off at chic Hell-Ay events about just how Toothy isn’t foolin’ anybody.
Well, I beg to differ. Had I been at this one par-tick fancy-schmancy soiree, I would have gladly explained to B.S. that half of Bush’s “Mare-kuh” thinks T.T. is as heterosexual as our current prez. Wait, Bush is straight, isn’t he? Don’t answer that, actually, do not want to go there…
Back to B.S., who’s clearly dying for Toothy’s sexuality to come to the surface so the media will ease off his dubious dame-doin' existence. Uh, word to the unwise wower: Boyfriend, you just keep on gettin’ higher 'n' higher at those swell dos you go to. You’ll be outing Toothy long before anybody like moi would ever dream of doing so.
God, he confuses me so....
ReplyDelete-spressogrl
This screams Matt McC with the Texas references. Plus, he hung out with Toothy, er, Jake G lots last year. He should know. He's probably tired of all of the innuendo about his own sexuality. But,honey, it'll come out someday!
ReplyDeleteAgree with the Matt McC guess!
ReplyDeleteChrist, T.C's prose style makes my brain hurt...
ReplyDeleteYeah, I thought of McC straight away. Still not convinced that TT is Jake though.
This will probably be another blind that everyone agrees on. References to golden hair, being high, hard abs, dubious female-doin' existence - it all screams Matt McConaughey to me, too.
ReplyDeleteAnon 9:27 - everyone else has been eliminated at this point, BUT Jake G. And with so many people writing to Ted to ask, he would surely have been eliminated by now if it wasn't him.
ReplyDeleteso basically all the Hot guys are gay even if at some point they are taken by a hot girl...I'm joining a convent...
ReplyDeleterockdiva
If, as many people believe, Ted C hints at the person's name with the number of syllables in their Tedified nickname, Jake G doesn't fit for Toothy Tile.
ReplyDeleteBut Vince Vaughn does.
And "Bulbous Seymour" doesn't work for McConnagay either... Hmmmmm....
I refuse to believe that big old stallion VV is gay. Refuse, I say!
ReplyDeleteVince Vaughn is not gorgeous--and that's what Ted constantly calls Toothy (who is Jake--deal with it). Also, Toothy is supposed to be young--in his 20s, born and bred in LA (based on clues) and two years ago, he was starring in a movie set to make a "sensual boyish splash" (Brokeback Mountain).
ReplyDeleteI truly don't understand why people are SO resistant to the idea of Jake being Toothy. Several months ago, I came across a juicy tidbit involving Jake and sent the info to Ted who called me about it. Guess what? Several weeks later, that tidbit appeared in Ted's Blind Vice as a Toothy Tile blind item! Case closed. Jake is Toothy. Next.
Hez said...
ReplyDeleteIf, as many people believe, Ted C hints at the person's name with the number of syllables in their Tedified nickname, Jake G doesn't fit for Toothy Tile.
----------------------
Maybe sometimes Ted C. hints at the person's name with the number of syllables in their Tedified nickna, but not always.
An older BI from Ted, Rubba Rubba Release, is John Travolta.
Toothy is definetly Jake! Hey some of you seem to have the inside scoop...tell us more!!!!
ReplyDeleterockdiva
(I live in Jersey...minimal celeb drama in the burbs)
Toothy tile is probably a reference to Moonlight Mile which Jake was in (and I really enjoyed, apparently being the only person who did) and came out at about the same time as Toothy Tile was created.
ReplyDeleteAnon 9:40: what was your toothy tile/jake g info? Spill it if you know it.
ReplyDeleteVince Vaughn has already been eliminated, and Ted doesn't ALWAYS use the same number of syllables. Vince Vaughn has his own blind handle that Ted uses.
ReplyDeleteGotta be Mateo talking about his biking buddy Jake.
ReplyDeleteobviously Matt & Jake
ReplyDeletemateo and woody harrelson ...? a shot in the dark .. what does a carpenter do best? nail wood ..
ReplyDeleteI bow to all of your superior wisdom.
ReplyDeletehow about owen wilson for bulbous seymour?
ReplyDeleteWhat's the juice on Jake?? Did you see him out in public making out with Austin?
ReplyDeletewhere???
ReplyDelete9:40 don't tease like that. Tell us what you know.
ReplyDeleteor at least tell us which blind item came out of it, and whether it was accurate.
ReplyDeletedoes someone have the ability to translate this to english?
ReplyDeleteOkay - but I don't get how people don't understand what he's writing.
ReplyDeleteBulbous Seymour is one fine piece o' man-lovin’ meat. Not a bad actor, either. But Bulbous knows—just like most audiences and H-town execs are aware—that his best talents lie not on the silver screen but in the golden nether regions of B.S.’ impressive bod. Yeah, he’s a stud. And what do studs do best?
Translation: Bulbous Seymour is hot and is pretty good at acting, but he knows, just like most of his fans and Hollywood executives know, that his real talent lies not in acting but in what he can do with the lower half of his impressive body - because after all, what do studs do best?
Now, before I get too carried away on whatever (or whomever) Bulbous utilizes his heavenly powers for—this Blind Vice ain’t about him. Well, not exactly. See, Mr. Es has been doing what we here at the Awful Truth live for: gossiping about other closeted homosexual movie stars! Too fun for the hard-abbed tum! Delish, darlin's, so let’s get to whom B.S. is blabbin’ ‘bout:
Translation: Before I get carried away with this, let me say that the blind vice isn't about B.S. It's about the fact that B.S. has been doing what people who write and read the Awful Truth do - gossiping. Too fun for the hard abbed stomach, and that's delicious. Let's get to what he's actually been talking about, however.
Toothy Tile, natch. You were expecting Gussy 'n' Fussy, perhaps? Like, who cares about those ersatz het jokers anymore? (Not too many folks, I assure ya.) Nah, it’s all about Toothy Tile—and when the hell this gorgeous scaredy-puss is gonna disclose his sexual pref, already—and Bulbous knows this fagola factoid. So much so, he’s been mouthing off at chic Hell-Ay events about just how Toothy isn’t foolin’ anybody.
Translation: He's been talking about Toothy Tile! Were you expecting him to be talking about (don't know who Gussy is) and Kevin Spacey? Who cares about those two, who joke about being heterosexual? Not many folks. No, it's all about Toothy Tile and when the heck he's going to come out of the closet. B.S. so knows this to be a fact, that he's been telling everyone that Toothy isn't fooling anyone.
Well, I beg to differ. Had I been at this one par-tick fancy-schmancy soiree, I would have gladly explained to B.S. that half of Bush’s “Mare-kuh” thinks T.T. is as heterosexual as our current prez. Wait, Bush is straight, isn’t he? Don’t answer that, actually, do not want to go there…
Translation: Ted disagrees. He says that half of the nation thinks Toothy Tile is straight.
Back to B.S., who’s clearly dying for Toothy’s sexuality to come to the surface so the media will ease off his dubious dame-doin' existence. Uh, word to the unwise wower: Boyfriend, you just keep on gettin’ higher 'n' higher at those swell dos you go to. You’ll be outing Toothy long before anybody like moi would ever dream of doing so.
Translation: Back to B.S. It seems he only wants Toothy to be outed so the media will start talking about THAT and lay off their speculation about whether or not HE is straight. Ted warns him by telling him if he doesn't stop smoking pot, he'll be the one who outs Toothy long before people like Ted are ready to do so.
Make sense?
I agree that it is Owen Wilson.
ReplyDeleteReasons:
1) Bulbous - 'bublous' is the perfect description of his nose
2) golden nether regions and stud-OW's nickname is Butterscotch Stallion
3) Also from TX
Gussy = George Clooney
ReplyDeleteFussy = Kevin Spacey
Anon 12:19 - Owen Wilson is an interesting guess, but is he rumored to be gay?
ReplyDeleteIt might not be that he is gay - there were lots of sex-toy kinky items re. Owen Wilson a while back.
ReplyDeleteIs the blonde Chicken of the Sea mermaid in the mermaid video supposed to be some reference to the very topical Jessica Simpson? ;)
ReplyDeleteToothy Tile
ReplyDeleteB.S. Matthew McM---ALWAYS HIGH
so 9:40 - were you the busboy?
ReplyDelete"First off, our fave, and top tumescent dawg, Toothy Tile: T2 was just caught at a fancy-ass New Yawk restaurant playing footsie with the b-f underneath the table. Right in front of Tooth's 'rents! And the busboys! Not to mention a few (thank gawd) Awful Truth readers, too fun. Tooth-doll, makes sense, as I hear you're getting thisclose to superdomesticating things with your most benevolently forgiving man. What, getting tired of the doin'-it-in-the-parking-lot scene, T-man? Regardless, congrats!"
Um Ted C doesn't call insiders for verification. He will respond to the email, and contact you that way.
ReplyDeleteNice try.
Hey, anon 9.50am yeah that really fits. Very good call!
ReplyDeleteLook, I love Jake and I don't care if he's gay or bi or whatever, he's still hot, in fact if he is gay that's even hotter... ;-)
Owen isn't really known for his abs, though... he's pretty doughy at times.
ReplyDeleteI like the MattMc guess, myself.
www.toothytile.com
ReplyDelete